talking to strangers.

last night i was finally able to do something i have been waiting to do this whole pregnancy.

since most of this experience has been spent laying on the couch, i haven't had many of those funny and/or awkward experiences with strangers many pregos report having. it took until i was in the third trimester for a stranger to even notice i was pregnant, or at least pregnant enough to say something to my face about. dangerous waters, asking a woman if she is expecting.

so last night, my brother and his cute girlfriend and i are standing in line at kohl's. the cashier looks at me and says, "hey, congratulations!"
i focus on keeping every muscle in my face still. "on what?"
looking down at my obvious belly, he seems confused, but keeps wading in deeper. "on... on the baby?"
"baby? what are you talking about?" i ask in an offended voice.
then he apologizes up and down and appears mortified until the three of us burst into laughter and reassure him that yes, i'm very much pregnant and that i have been dying to embarrass someone like this.

so then the cashier starts doing that thing everyone does when they talk to a pregnant woman, talking all about their own experiences with pregnancy. unfortunately, this man makes a big mistake and says this. "i totally get it, my wife and i have five kids of our own."
eyebrows raising. "well, no, actually you don't get it. your wife gets it, but sorry pal, you don't get to say that to me."
a woman standing in line behind me starts nodding her head in agreement.
the cashier doesn't know how to stop himself though.
"well us men have to go through quite a bit ourselves you know, putting up with-"
i cut him off mid sentence. "no. you do not get to say that. whatever you went through is not what your wife went through, sorry."
several other women have joined the conversation at this point, all agreeing. "she's right! men don't get it!"
poor cashier bit off too much. he admits defeat.

then he says the other thing everyone tends to say to pregnant women.
"you better get as much sleep as you can, because when that baby comes, you will never sleep again." he looks at reed, points his finger and says, "you too buddy, say goodbye to your sleep." (probably the 3rd time my younger brother has been mistaken for the father of my child.)
reed smiles at him while taking his receipt and says, "why would i lose sleep? i'm her brother."
the cashier quickly looks back to me and i tell him, "yeah, we have no idea who the father is."

and the three of us howl with laughter and walk outside.

things that must go and things that must stay.

it seems, as of late, that everything happening in my life can be categorized one of two ways:

things that must go

or 

things that must stay

welcome to this month's edition of things that must! 

 we  do hope you will enjoy the show.

things that must go

1. being told that approaching a 24th birthday means "you aren't super young anymore and should probably start thinking about having a baby." 

2. sitting in a staff meeting for work, surrounded by therapists and psychiatrists, feeling awfully young and awkward, and blurting "oh how fun!" in response to a co-worker telling you about a kid who has aspergers. oh great, now my boss thinks i don't know what aspergers is. 

3. being accused of censoring the photos you took at a wedding with two brides. seriously, if i were censoring, don't you think i'd cut off the part where their lips touch? 

go read the facebook comments on this bad boy for a good laugh. 

yes, a picture with two girls kissing is being referred to as a "bad boy." 

isn't language fun? 

4. discovering you won't get paid for all the hours your worked until the next pay period, and trying to be an easy going employee, and telling your boss, "it's okay, i have a sugar daddy." and then she doesn't laugh. 

things that must stay

1. following the winco employee "bult" (according to his nametag) around the store and staring at him. to plant suspicion of all shoppers in his mind. ...and yes, this is how i get my kicks these days. 

2. realizing your dreaded student loan will be paid off by the end of the summer. 

3. teaching impromptu piano and vocal lessons to the adolescents you work with and watching their confidence grow. and possibly looking into music and art therapy programs. 

4. your husband coming home safe to you after a week of firefighting. and his hair smelling like smoke even after he's washed it several times. 

so there you have it, ladies and gents. hope you enjoyed this month's things that must. and do remember to tune in next time. 

xo

 

forever friends, forever friends who birth pretty babies, road trips, casting spells like HP, sexy treasure hunts, and big girl jobs.

holy smokes.
so many things happened in the past week.
like, for starters, today was my first day at my new job. wait what? new job! yep, someone decided i was worth hiring.
and, yesterday i got to meet my sweet niece amelia! she's healthy and beautiful.
and my momma and i took a road trip to idaho falls for the weekend.
oh and i got a library card!!
see, so many great things. 

ok, starting at the beginning. 

last week travis went out of town to make the big bucks working for his uncle's cabinet business. it was the longest nine days of my life! so to help the time fly by, i partied all week.

spent time with my hawaii girlfriends, bonnie and alyssa. ate SO MUCH frozen yogurt, went shopping, talked about everything, and enjoyed the unique closeness we share. we were just missing the 4th member of our foursome, erika dick.

(sorry if we are instagram friends and you've seen these already.) 

ok, so what else. oh yes, the library card. now that i'm a resident of the city of south jordan, i figured it was high time to check out their library situation. one of the greatest joys of my life has always been found in the quiet sanctuary of the library and south jordan did not disappoint. when i was a college student, i used to dream of having time to read fiction, to enjoy those made up fantasies and wonderful imagined stories. i wasn't prepared for how much my tastes have changed. i didn't expect to leave with titles like, the working poor, invisible in america, and the flipside of feminism. oh psych degree, how you have changed me! it is definitely a treat to have time to ready whatever i please instead of poring over textbooks.

then on friday, my mom and i left for idaho falls. it was nice to spend one-on-one time together like that. my mom and i have always been besties and i'm thankful for that. we did crafts and went shopping with my grandma and ate so much ice cream from my uncle's dairy, "reed's dairy", and if you're in IF you need to go there.always good to get out of slc for a little bit and see some new scenery.

... yeah, pretty much like this the entire time. 

more pictures from my real camera to come.

amelia was born! she is perfect and healthy and liana did it without meds! she is pretty much my hero. getting to hug liana and hold amelia in my arms was a really emotional experience and i'm so thankful for both of them. 

the sweetest! 

and then today was my first day at my first grown up job! 

i'm now a counselor at valley mental health's boys drug rehabilitation facility and once in a while i'll work with the girls'. this is a job i have always thought would be so rewarding and eye opening. so thankful to have found in job in my field during this economy. funny where life takes you sometimes.

headed to my first day of grown up job! 

...as a candy cane in this year's christmas pageant...

ok, so even though i look like a grown up, (or maybe not, since i was mistaken for a 16 year old on sunday.) today at work, i was not a grown up. and the pressure was on! 

in the first hour, i managed to smear chocolate from a granola bar all over my brand new shirt. then when i found it, i obsessively started checking my elbows for chocolate. the girl next to me kept looking over at me and then i realized it probably looked like i was checking out my own boobs.

i was the only person in the room who had to ask for help filling out the W-4 tax sheet. everyone did a collective eye roll at the girl who didn't even understand taxes.

when we were waiting in the hall to get into the computer lab, and no one could open the door and no one would answer when we knocked, i instinctively blurted out, "alohomora!" AND THE DOOR OPENED! but then only one person laughed and the rest of them looked at me like i was the craziest, geekiest nerd ever known to man. which i apparently am. 

when we took pictures for our id badges (and i was so excited for an actual id badge!) my picture. is the dorkiest. picture. ever. sometime when i'm not pooped i'll upload it so you can laugh at me.

basically i don't think i'll ever be an adult. you feel the same, right? 

oh and then there was the adorable surprise travis had waiting for me when i got home from idaho last night. 

i'll spare you the details, but he had tricked me into thinking he had to work, (even hid his bike so i'd think he was gone) and then he left clues all over the house directing me to a surprise. the surprise included, but was not limited to: travis not being at work and a relaxing bath. plus he did all the laundry, including putting it away, which is a BIG DEAL, and he had made guacamole and marinated steaks for dinner. so sexy, that man. 

so yeah, that was my busy week. life is so exciting isn't it? even when you're a geeky twelve year old. and especially when your best friend gives birth, and you start one of your bucket list careers, and your husband leaves you clues instructing you to take off all your clothes. 

gosh, i can't help myself when it comes to overshares. 

but really, life is going pretty damn well. 

follow your dreams. HARRYPOTTERFORLIFE!

xo

bad and also poor grammar

in honor of social media "ruining" our youth's writing skills, "those damn teenagers and their electronics!" this post will be written in mostly fragmented sentences that are cool to use when on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tumblr. and other such forms of media. maybe it will save you time not to have to read full sentences. i'm doin' this for you.

this is dedicated to the older woman in church last year who proclaimed that any person who uses headphones to listen to music, was only using headphones because their choice of music was vulgar and needed hiding via headphones.

also dedicated to the time my grandpa griped about my generation and our need to be plugged in, and then promptly picked up his new ipad and showed me how cool it was.

so these are my fragmented life updates. here goes.

• that time you watch so many episodes of desperate housewives, that you begin to reference the characters as if they are your best friends. (switching to full sentence mode here- for the record, the reason i am able to plow through so many episodes is because i watch/listen to them while i clean, blow dry my hair, wash my face before bedtime, and during mealtimes when travis is gone. so most mealtimes.)

• that time you come to bed only to find your husband has found his duck call and is blowing it as loud as possible, asking you, "does this sound real?" and while you think of a nice way to let him down easy, he informs you it is his mating call and you realize you have never been less turned on than this moment in time. 

• that time a vernon dursley look-a-like confronts you at walmart about the sound your feet make when they scuff on the floor. and you yell back at him and are so filled with rage you wonder if you need a more violent outlet than your kickboxing class. 

•  speaking of violent outlets, that time you are starving with hunger and your husband comes home and teases you about whether or not he will go to the grocery store with you. and you become filled with that same violent rage, grab his neck, begin screaming curse words (in my defense, he did make me run up and down the stairs looking for socks and teasing me) and forget that the door is open and the neighbors can hear you being verbally abusive. then your husband's maniacal laughter pushes you to the breaking point and you hurl his shoes at his face as hard as possible. and he continues to laugh until you realize how crazy you have become. 

• that time you realize that you have become obsessed with the topic of female orgasm and that you tell every person you meet everything you know about our culture and sex. like your unsuspecting brother in law. and you remember that many people are very uncomfortable talking about sex and hearing the words, "orgasm" and "clitoris." and you hear yourself talking to your bishop about your uterus and realize you have a problem. 

• that time you attend the most beautiful wedding reception ever that looked like this: 

 (if you care to see more, go {here})

• that time you applied for four more jobs and are beginning to think you'll be unemployed forever. and begin alternating between the ideas of getting kocked up and applying for grad school. and then just watch more desperate housewives to drown out the uncertainty of the future. 

• that time you realize it's almost been two years since you married your husband and you realize you are so much more crazy about him that you were back then.

  seriously, those eyes.

laughing fit.

• that time you get ID'ed ordering a virgin margarita. and then get hit on by junior high kids. and then find out your 8th grade brothers' friends thought you were his new, hot girlfriend when they saw you walking into his choir concert arm in arm with him. 

• that time your husband gets his hair cut at your salon for the first time and while you sit there, watching as an attractive blonde woman massages his scalp and his eyes roll back in pleasure, all you can think is, perfect, now he won't beg me for a massage later.

so that pretty much covers it. just spending my days being an unemployed advocate for female orgasm, throwing rage fits in front of neighbors, and being obsessed with travis. and apparently looking like a junior high student. so you know, livin' the high life.

xo

keeping secrets from husbands and other tales of epic failures

i'm a bad liar.

ok, that's not entirely true.

once, during my first year of college, i convinced some guys who lived in my apartment building that i had a twin sister. see, there was this incident in the parking lot where i almost backed into their car and of course i was thoroughly embarrassed. probably because of the shortness of the shorts i was wearing (i had just come from the gym) the guys were quick to forgive me and invite me to hang out sometime. they walked to their apartment on the first floor and i took the elevator up to the third, mortified, thinking, phew, close one!

then a few weeks later, i ran into (not literally) the guys again.
"oh hey! it's that girl who almost hit us!" they said. "hey!"
i pretended not to recognize them. "sorry? have we met?"
"uh, don't you remember that time you almost hit us in the parking lot?" they looked confused.
i twisted my face into an expression of recognition. "ohhhh! my sister told me about you! yeah, she was so embarrassed!"

and so began the tale of my twin sister, the terrible driver. they ate it up. and the rest of the semester, whenever i saw the group of guys, i alternated between the twins' identities.

so yeah, i can tell a tall tale, but for the most part, i'm a bad liar, especially with travis. he just knows me too well for me to get away with anything. so when it came to planning his surprise party, i vowed to be a blank wall. he would never know what hit him. turns out he knew i had been acting funny from the moment i started planning. travis's dad helped me distract him and get him out of the house, and i literally texted him "we should be actors! we are amazing!" then later travis told me that he had been on to us the entire time. oh well.

i had a lot of fun planning, decorating, and hosting his party. here are a few pictures, pretty terrible pictures, but hey i was busy being a hostess right?

i promise they were having fun. that's just how travis's dad smiles. 

 soup bar, my dad's famous clam chowder and julie's broccoli cheese. 

my parents and brother zane

newly married derrick and grandma jackson

the luscious cake i whipped up. 

all lit up

blowing out his candles 

the decor. along with the rest of the pinterest world, 

i am obsessed with making banners. 

here is the recipe for the whip cream frosting:

cream cheese 

powdered sugar

vanilla extract 

heavy whipping cream

add the first three ingredients together and mix until moistened

then while the mixer is running, slowly add the cream 

mix until thick and fluffy

 also, i added some raspberry jam to the filling for tartness. 

it was fun to throw a party in our new house, even if the birthday boy wasn't surprised. i'll keep working on my deceptive abilities for next year's party. 

xo

trying to be sexy in a world that only accepts sexy. and doing it in a way that isn't an oxymoron.

oh also?

last week i really just wanted to look hot. like head turning hot. and all winter i have basically been wearing the same thing- jeans, peacoat that never comes off because it's so damn cold in all my classrooms, and boots. feelin' the frump.

so last week i put on probably the sexiest pair of shoes i own, these skin tight leather boots with ridiculously high heels and didn't wear a coat. actually wore something figure flattering. lipstick. curled the hairs. dark eye shadow. i was only going to school, but shoot, i was going to GO to school. right?

the catch: those sexy boots, yeah they are freakin' old. and the material on the heels is all peeled back. i'm way too poor to justify spending sixty bucks for new ones. solution? that black tape, it has a name that i'm blanking on, just wind it around the heels and WAH LAH! boots are good to go. but you have to be careful not to walk on grass or in anything wet like snow, because the adhesive in the tape fails.

got to school, walked the walk, (it's a long walk to class) avoided the puddles and grassy shortcuts. and then, an obstacle- stairs. steep stairs. two guys standing at the top of the stairs. in my head: oh yeah, i'm hot, i'm totally working these stairs, those two guys won't know what hit-  and BAM, fall down the stairs, grab onto hand railing, and instantly turn red. and start laughing obnoxiously loud and looking around. the two guys who were definitively never checking out my butt were very concerned and i was very embarrassed. and the tape job i did on the heels? totally shredded. i'm just not sexy hot anymore. i can barely walk down a flight of stairs in heels. marriage has lulled me into the comfort of sweatpants and ponytails.

today i tried again. squeezed into my hotpants, aka jeggings, a tucked in white v-neck, and my orange high heels. happy to report only one trip, and that was at the very beginning of the trek through trax.i ran into my friend from class, a late thirties guy who is gay, and he exclaimed, "oh work it girl!"

**i include the part about him being gay so you will know i don't have a secret older-man-boyfriend. because he's not into gals. and i do have a thing for older men. and grey hair. and slightly leathery skin... one day travis will be the most beautiful old man... ahh but i digress.**

the point is, i can still squeeze into my hotpants and wear obnoxious colored heels. even if i do get overly excited about a new vacuum. once a friend on facebook told me it doesn't matter what i look like anymore because i'm married. i found that very offensive for several reasons. firstly, our culture really only values me for one thing and that is how i look. for him to tell me that, it was like he was saying, "don't worry, now that you have nothing to offer, you have permission to blend into the background and become invisible." and the older women get, the more invisible they are. don't believe me? how many 40+ women do you see in the media? yep, guys get older and they just get better looking, like i just said, and women get older and we are hidden. we are raised to obey patriarchy, then only valued for how hot our ass looks in jeans, and then we bear children and raise them, which is no small task, we acquire wrinkles, extra pounds, grey hair, and it's all over.
phew, that was negative and sad. not sure what it has to do with me wearing orange heels and wanting to look hot. seems like an oxymoron maybe?
yes, i'm married and slightly invisible. like this:

because now that i'm married, there is no reason for any man to try to be just friends, because i have only one thing to offer a man and now the possibility of that offer is gone.

rant, rant, rant. i can curl my hair and wear high heels and still be a feminist. surprise!

i do have a best friend who is a male and we are and have always been just friends. 
it's possible.
i'm married, and i'm still workin' the hotpants. even if it's just for me. it is really awesome to know that travis finds me just as sexy in sweats as in lingerie.
sometime, tell an older woman in your life how beautiful, wonderful, and intelligent she is. she probably doesn't hear those things enough.
i refuse to hate my body for aging. i refuse to hate myself for getting grey hairs. for you mothers out there, don't you dare hate your body if it's not what it was before childbirth. ok. 

that'll do pig, that'll do.
wth, please stop blogging and do your homework.
xo

i dont do mustaches.

if you know me well, you know that i don't do mustaches.
not on guys i used to date. not on actors i think are attractive. not on travis.

not on me.

 observe.
and yes, that hair came off of my upper lip.
about a year ago, i bought a razor. not a gillette man shaver, but a dainty little silver and purple bejeweled trimmer. thing. (because if it's dainty and cute, it makes it "ok" for women to shave. wth?)  i eagerly buzzed the fuzz on my upper lip just in time for travis to get home. i stared at him, pushing my upper lip out for him to behold my newfound smoothness.
"notice anything...different?" i inquired. 
"what are you doing?" he asked, a bit nervously, glancing at my puffed out mouth. "why do you look guilty?"
"my mustache! it's gone!" i proclaimed.
he didn't believe me. so i saved the hair from about a month and a half's growth to show him. the proof's in the puddin' right?

remember how travis and i pee in front of each other? yeah well, i also apparently flaunt my facial hair in front of him, too. sexy right?

anyway, as i was saying, mustaches = no. so when travis came home yesterday looking like this:

this is an older picture and his mustache was a bit more caterpillar-esque 

 when he came home looking like this, i was appalled. an then he tried to rub it on me. it just feel so wrong, having only the top half prickly and the bottom half smooth. it's not natural.
"but it's mustache march baby!" he insisted. "i'm growing it out."

before we were married, the subject of mustaches came up. i vowed to myself and then to travis, that i would never have relations with a mustache. no matter how desperate, i could say no. and yesterday was no different. after he told me he was growing it out, i reminded him of my rule: mustache = no lovin'.
"well i guess we'll just have to see who's more stubborn." he said.

i'm sure you can guess how the story ends.
i'm still a mustache virgin.
i don't care how trendy they are,  i'm not into porn stars and i don't kiss pedophiles.

that sounds so wrong. this whole post is really creepin' me out.

in other, non-creepy news, travis and i have a nice collections of boxes and we are going to start packing up our life tomorrow. the buyers want to sign earlier than we thought, which is fine by me, so it's time to load our lives into a trailer. and in three weeks we will be in the new house!

also, i took my first newborn/baby pictures today. {go here}

also, three more classes and spring break begins!!

hope your marches find you and yours clean shaven.
xo

the time i poisoned our appraiser

today was a long awaited day for travis and me. today was the day our house was appraised. supposedly tomorrow we close...? but their realtor, who is seriously insane, is convinced we don't close til the end of march.

anyway. it's never for sure in this house selling business, but back to the story.

our realtor texted me yesterday asking if wednesday at 1:30 worked for the appraisal. i was thrilled, because travis would actually be home for something having to do with selling the house. as fate would have it, he's always at work when there are showings, house inspections, or realtor walk-throughs, and thus, all duty and responsibility rests upon my small, too-young-for-this, shoulders.

so today, i let travis answer the door when the appraiser came over. i felt free to lay on the couch and study for the test i have in roughly an hour, and let the hot rice bag sit on my uterus and do its magic work on my terrible cramps. thanks so much copper iud. i hear the guy come in, not take off his shoes, tsk, and talk to travis in a deep manly voice. turns out he just finished paramedic school and recognized travis from when travis taught in his class. (one of travis's various occupations is teaching paramedic school at the university of utah, i know, badass.) distracted from my notecards displaying things like, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, suicide, (super fun, yeah?) i listen as travis asks the appraiser if he thinks our home will appraise high enough for the underwriter to give his stamp of approval. since i have done almost all of the face-to-face work of selling our home, i feel a little responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly.
"what all have you guys done remodel wise?" i hear the appraiser ask.
travis starts listing things. "well, new roof, windows, tile,"
i'm going crazy worrying if he's going to get it all, so i start yelling things out.
travis- "oh don't mind my wife, she's just in there studying."
oh yeah, i guess that 's weird for a voice to just start yelling out things like, "garbage disposal, insulation in the attic!" right?
the appraiser yells hello, and i tell him we have cookies in case he takes bribes. he politely laughs and says he does. then he goes about his business, looking in all the rooms. the appraiser has a magnificent soul patch, and when he's not looking, travis and i waggle our fingers under our lips to silently mock the appraiser's facial growth. yep, grownups.
oh also, i hadn't showered, and i kinda forgot to put on a bra. until the appraiser got there and then i felt super awkward. red shirt, red sweats, mismatched socks, and unbrushed hair. lookin' pretty fine, i must say.
so at the end, he and travis were talking in the kitchen, and i decided it was time to offer a cookie. i did not bake these cookies, as i never bake because i am always at school, but some sweet ladies in my neighborhood had dropped them off. i had taken a bite of one earlier, and then put it back onto the plate, because i'm gross like that, and i remembered this as i was pulling out the plate. i strategically opened the saran wrapped side across from my bite-taken-cookie, hoping he would never see it.
of course he reaches in, past the huge cookie i wanted him to grab, and his hand lands right on my cookie.
of course, i don't say anything, not about the bite, or the terrible cold i have, no i just watch in slow motion fashion as the man who has a huge say in whether or not our house sells smoothly, picks the cookie that could potentially end his life. 

ha, ha, just a joke. but it could give him a nasty cold. plus what's going to happen when he looks down and sees teeth marks in a crescent moon shape disrupting the circular flow of that beautiful chocolate peanut butter goodness??? 
i never saw him put it in his mouth. he kind of awkwardly carried it in the palm of his hand and i awkwardly followed him around, waiting to see what would happen. because by then, it was too late. travis kept looking at me, obviously not understanding the "I JUST MESSED UP" eyes i was shooting him.
until i told him in a whisper after the appraiser left.
because what if the appraiser had supersonic whale ears (?) and was standing on our porch, listening!?!

can you tell i have been studying abnormal psychology all week? yeah reading all those symptoms of "crazy people" and here i am in my red sweats, wild guilty eyes, poisoning our appraiser....

PTSD and loud farts

last week was a little rough. school is kicking my butt, and overall last week i just felt insecure and anxious. my teacher docked five points from my orgasm paper, and i actually cried about it. those thoughts of you're a failure just wouldn't leave me be.

on the PTSD front, i'm also frustrated. i feel like i'm making progress with everything, but i just wonder sometimes what i expect and if it's realistic. i'm starting to realize that no amount of counseling with make everything from the past just disappear. when i first started counseling, it seemed like i was moving so fast, coming to terms with things, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. the past month, i feel like i've moved backwards. i'm still having panic attacks, i still have a hard time feeling like the people i love, love me back, and i have felt pretty alone. rationally, i know that healing doesn't happen all at once, and that this is normal, but i just want this to all be gone, like it never happened. which i know is impossible. i've talked a lot with my counselor about turning what happened to me into a positive thing, like being able to look at the strengths i have gained or at how i could help others who are dealing with sexual abuse. but last week i just felt beat up and like i'm going to be stuck in this place forever wondering why it had to happen and how i'm ever going to be ok.
but i guess just the fact that i was able to write all of that and understand that it's what i'm feeling, is a step in the right direction. right?

on a happier note, i do have a funny story. yesterday in sunday school, travis was teaching the lesson. he was doing a great job. then the autistic kid in our class decided to lay on the floor. which is completely fine. we love this kid and enjoy having him in our class. he's a huge teddy bear. so he's laying on the floor, on his belly, and we all smile just keep going with the lesson. a few minutes later, the sweet kid lets out this ten second long, extremely loud, ... fart. like one of the loudest ones i have ever heard in my life. all of us look around at each other, including the kid's older brother, and we just start laughing. not in a mean, making fun of way, but in a i can't believe how hilarious that was, ...way. the kid's older brother is really sweet with him, always helping him calm down. he's the kid in class who doesn't have his parents around and is being raised by grandparents. he is that kid who isn't wearing the coolest clothes, the kid who has probably seen things the others haven't. the other kids don't really get him and his sarcasm, and how he tries to act cool, like he's too cool for church. the other kids don't really include him, but i watch the way he treats his sweet autistic brother and my heart melts. i always try to talk to him and make sure he knows we love him. someday he'll grow up and hopefully realize that he didn't need to be the popular kid to be a wonderful person. you know?

also, i took my first official maternity pictures. seriously, this is all i want to do all the time. this family was so fun to work with and are just beautiful people.

life is hard. but life is also good and i'm so grateful for a loving support system, faith in Jesus Christ, and for our autistic kid's loud fart to help me remember not to be so uptight, and also that it's okay to laugh at ourselves and still love ourselves. you know?

xo

one word.

this.


(click on the word this.)

adult child brides.

yesterday while travis and i were cooking dinner, the doorbell rang. we looked at each other in shock, because the entire year and a half we have lived in this house, our doorbell has probably only rang 10 times. most people who come over use the side door, and most of our neighbors, bless their hearts, are old enough to go to  bed by 7. and they never come over.

since travie's hands were full of spatula and chicken, i answered the door, nervously checking through the window before turning the handle. a young man, looking to be somewhere between eighteen and twenty five stood on the porch.
"hi, is that your car-" he started, looking behind me into the house.
"um?" i replied. "the car?"
"are your parents home?" he asked, still craning his neck to see behind me into the kitchen.
i stared at him.
"i am an adult. this is my house. that is my car." i stated. like a robot.
he apologized and then tried to sell me something, but i cut him off mid sentence and sent him on his way.

are my parents home. are my parents home!? good hell, i was wearing makeup! i know i look like a 14 year old without it, but i had some dark eye shadow going on.
maybe this is why i have a hard time feeling like an adult, who is old enough to be married, graduating from college, and selling her house.

earlier in the week, i was doing some grocery shopping at the sunflower market. i wanted to enter my name into a drawing for a hundred dollar gift card. the man at the booth looked at me with kind eyes, "honey, are you at least eighteen?"

then a few weeks ago at counseling, i had to give the ladies at the front desk permission for travis to get an email from my counselor. you know, HIPAA and all that.
"hi, i need to give you the slip so my husband can see the information my counselor wants to email him."
they looked at each other. one said, "so you really are old enough to have a husband?"
i looked from face to face. "how old do you think i am?"
a grey haired woman said, "well, if you told us you were fifteen, we would believe you."

whelp, i'm a child bride, actually.
but here's the kicker. i have started to find gray hairs on my head. i'm twenty three. gray. hairs. i have probably found five of them. what good are my baby face and smooth skin going to be if i have gone gray by thirty??

pretty funny right?

creepin' on professor dempsey

feeling super creep right now.
for the story i want to tell, i needed a picture of one of my professors. he doesn't have one on the university page, so naturally, i google imaged him and there was one picture.


i have become that person who stays up late searching the intarwebs for pictures of her professors. when did this become my life??

here's the story. i am taking research methods from an outstanding teacher. he makes learning fun, he's enthusiastic, he told us to think of him as a "human professor" instead of those gradspeak robots who teach psych classes. he remembers our names and really tries hard. he even admitted that sometimes he gets nervous lecturing. and he remembered that i jokingly suggested doughnuts would help us stay awake (class is from 6-9pm) and he brought some today!

oh and he looks like patrick dempsey. 

which never hurts.

it's not the best picture of my professor, and he doesn't have a goatee anymore, but do you see what i mean a little bit? 


(remember, i'm kind of obsessed with (shame) grey's anatomy.plus, his mannerisms, crinkly eye smile, and laugh are similar too!)

today, we were all sitting there waiting for class to start. our teacher comes in and is setting up. he shows off the doughnuts. we all laugh. it's looking to be a great class. then i open my mouth.
"you know, professor ______, you have a celebrity look alike!" i blurt.
"oh really?" he says, "who?"
pause. "well, do you ever watch greys's anatomy?" and my voice gets quiet and embarrassed. the class listens intently. "he's the neurosurgeon, and you teach psychology, so it's even better!"
then one of the red headed Armenian twins speaks up. don't worry, the red hair is dyed. "wait, isn't he the one they call 'mcdreamy'?!" then the other twin joins in, "yeah! mcdreamy! you know, the hot one!"
at this point our professor is looking pretty red. "uhhh..."
i have already looked up a picture on my phone of mcdreamy and am showing it to my classmates. then i realize, i've basically just told my professor i think he's mcdreamy... 
i shrink in my chair. "okay, i didn't mean for that to be so ...inappropriate!!" i call out. the class is nervously laughing. our professor is looking at me now, saying, "i dunno, this just seems a little inappropriate..." he's laughing. of course i keep awkwardly apologizing and saying, "forget i said anything! i didn't mean anything! he's just a good actor..." WTH? WHY WHY WHY?? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TAPE MY MOUTH SHUT???


ok then there's the situation a few weeks ago with my father in law.
i love my father in law. but can i just tell you that he is the most stubborn person on earth. no really, think of the most stubborn person you know and then multiply it by 10. i don't really want to go into the whole story, but basically, he knows how to poke the sleeping bear. me being the sleeping bear. two weeks ago, i got so angry at him, i walked over to the sink, filled a cup with water, walked back  to him, and dumped it into his lap. i basically supersoaked my father in law. oh and i swore at him, too, said "shit" in a sentence to him. and then i filled a bucket with water and was going to pour that on him too and travis had to pry it out of my hands.
and then travis asked his dad if he had wet his pants.


yeah, it's out of control.
i know i should just keep my mouth shut, or not react when someone is trying to get a rise out of me, but it's like in that moment, i just forget.
you guys do that, too, right?

how to interpret the universe's message to you on a day to day basis

yeah, so do you ever have those days where your life has a theme? like, your life is a tv show, maybe on abc, fox, or HEAVEN FORBID, showtime!? and in every episode there is a different theme? love, loss, heartache, possibly passing your intern tests and becoming a resident at Seattle Grace? (sorry carling, i'm writing this right after reading your blurb about the sexy kathheig on grey's anatomy. i seriously am in love with her and how she has a slight double chin, something i'm pretty insecure about in myself. but i seriously digress here...)

like i was trying to say, days have themes sometimes. like on tuesday, how the theme of my life was slightly sexual vibes from unusual subjects. so yesterday, wednesday, the theme of my life became babies. and it's carried on to this morning at the gym. i'm really hoping it goes away soon, because as you all know, i'm absolutely terrified of having a baby.

babies are a sensitive subject for most people. obviously, a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, miracle. some people want them, some people don't want them. some people are having them around others who want them and it's painful. i can't begin to imagine how painful that has to be. some people, like me, are afraid of becoming mothers. worst part of being a newlywed for me: realizing that someday soon, there could be a chance i would accidentally get pregnant. somehow, this just didn't really hit until i was engaged and then i started freaking out and researching success rates for birth controls. having sex was pretty scary, for the obvious reasons a virgin with a teensy vagina would be scared, but also because now there was this big chance, well 1% chance, that a living being would take up residence in my uterus and demand a portion of my body, mind, time, life, and identity. which absolutely is horrifying for me to consider.

(for anyone who is pregnant and reading this, please don't let my fears interrupt the truly awesome work you are doing. seriously, i don't really respect anyone more than you.)

also, i am not, and have never been, a baby hater. i love kids. i'm actually pretty great with kids. they love me. i love them. me not being ready to birth one does not make me a heartless judas priest. we all have our fears, right?

ok. back to the theme of my day yesterday. i get to my child/adoles development class and the topic is: transitioning to parenthood.

wonderful.

we learned all about how marital satisfaction decreases, how 13% of couples separate before their babies are 18 months old, and all the stress placed on the new couple. how they have to face their differences that have never come up in their marriage. how actually, 90% of parents feel completely polarized from their partner after their first child is born. and ok, it's psychology, you can't take those studies and make them your bible or anything. but there has to be some truth behind all that work, right? (this is the part where, if you have had a baby, it would be great for you to tell me how it was for you.)

ok, so after hearing all this, things that i already freak out about pretty regularly, i went to my parents' house for dinner. travis is out of town for the week, working, so i have been hanging out with my mom. well, naturally we watched the latest episode of sister wives. because we like to marvel at the idea of sharing your husband with other women. funny thing, because most of the world associates mormons with polygamy, because our church practiced it briefly in its early years. i'm lds and i would consider myself pretty devoted. but i would not be down with sharing travis with another woman. well, unless it was that pretty girl who flirted with me the other day... just kidding.

well on this particular episode of sister wives, the newest wife gave birth. at home. in her bed. without drugs. my mom, who birthed all of us without the help of drugs, was impressed. i, on the other hand, was sweating, heart rate rising, almost crying of fear. not for the wife in the screen, but for me! i don't think i can do that! i don't know if i even want to do that!

then, this morning i went to my thursday kickbox class. one woman who goes just had a baby and i have been watching with interest how quickly she has lost the weight. i'm pretty chummy with the instructor and she knows i was recently married. so today, we are doing walking lunges and i was pretty tired. i wasn't using weights like the rest of the class, because it messes up my form and hurts my bad knees. she looked at my red face and asked, "are you doing ok?" i reassured her i was fine and then she gave me this knowing smile and said, "ooooohhhhhhh i get it. well be careful."

i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm pregnant.
for the rest of the class she kind of watched me and i wanted to yell, "NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! I'M JUST REALLY TIRED! MY BOOBS ARE EXTRA BIG BECAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD!"

i'm a huge freak, basically.

it's just really hard to wrap my head around the idea of having a baby. travis and i have been talking about when and if it will happen. i was thinking, maybe i'll be brave after i graduate and work for a bit. maybe like next fall or something. but then we are planning to go on a cruise next january and i don't want to be pregnant on a cruise. and when am i supposed to go to grad school? how am i supposed to fit all the things i want plus create life???

i cry about this sometimes. and yeah, i'm shallow. i don't want to mess up this body i've been sculpting for the past few years. i don't want to risk my acne coming back and dominating my life. i really like my life, just the way it is. sleeping in, afternoon lovin' and a nap, late nights with friends. a clean house. being able to come and go as i please.

but there is a small piece of me that wonders. could i do it? i think i would be a really great mom and travis was practically born to be dad.

ah, but breastfeeding. that freaks me out so much.

see, maybe i'm just not ready. maybe you moms out there could tell me about your experiences and your fears? and how it all turned out?

anyway, hoping the theme of my week changes soon, before these thoughts, plus finals finish me off for good. cheers!

new lipstick, goths, hot lesbians, and older men

today i must have been putting off a different scent. or maybe it was the new shade of red lipstick i dug out of my old makeup samples from my days of selling cosmetics. or maybe it was my ponytail and non made up face. (see, the lipstick was supposed to compensate for my lack of grooming.) whatever the case, i had an interesting time on trax today.

oh great, another trax story. jeeze doesn't she have anything more interesting to write about?

so i'm sitting there, waiting for my train, freezing my face off, when a goth-esque man dressed in the customary black trench coat walks toward me and sits down. he catches my eye and smiles and i encourage my frozen face to smile back, because i try to smile at everyone. you know, to reignite their hope in humanity and all that. well, goth man takes this as a hint to come closer. he stands up and takes the seat directly to my right. oh great. i notice that his ponytail is longer than mine and that he appears to be younger than me. he also reeks of cigarette smoke.

"hello." he says, staring at me in a way that immediately makes me uncomfortable.
"hi." i say, and then look in the opposite direction.

(being married has made me slightly awkward when talking to guys who are interested in me. as you may know, i have a history of being a gigantic flirt, and since being married, i have tried to tame that.)

"my name is ___." he says. and yes, i forget his name promptly after he tells me.
"oh, i'm collette."
he holds out a hand and i automatically reach out to shake. instead of shaking my hand, he holds it up to his mouth and brushes his lips on the top of it, so softly and quickly i don't have time to react. once i get my senses together, i put my left hand, complete with wedding ring, on top of the hand he just kissed, hoping he'll get the hint. he doesn't.
"you're just so pretty, i had to come over here and meet you." he is apparently a gallant sort of gentleman. with this, he takes my hand again, kisses it, and says he has to go meet his friend.
"nice to meet you." he says and is gone. i'm still frozen in shock and yes, a bit flattered.

then the train pulls up and i get on, sitting in the back. hoping that my share of crazy has come and gone in the form of a chivalrous goth man.

no such luck.

at the next stop, a beautiful woman boards and walks toward me. she smiles and again, i smile back. gotta stop doing that.

she takes the seat directly across from me, and again, i see that look. the look of oh hey baby, i'm checkin out what you got goin' on. i've seen this look many times before, but not often does it come from another female. she keeps smiling as she says, "how are you today?" although what she is saying is quite ordinary for one stranger to say to another, her tone of voice is suggesting a bit more. i'm still not done being flattered from goth man, and am quite shocked to find this gorgeous girl flirting with me. i also don't really know how to take it, because, although i appreciate the female form, i'm not really batting for that team. i smile at her and we chat for a minute but then i return to my book.

ok, that was weird, but now, definitely, the strangeness of today is over, i think to myself.

the rest of the train ride is silent. i get to school and walk to the computer lab to print my assignment. so far, so good. i make it all the way to the printing station before it strikes again. in this case, it is an older man, gotta be in his 60s. he is at the printer next to me. leans over, almost in my face, and says, "well hello there."

ok. real original, that line. heard it already, pal.
this "sweet" old guy proceeds to shamelessly flirt with me all the way out of the computer lab, complete with an invitation to help him support a candidate for governor. (apparently he's pretty involved.)

don't worry, he was the last person to make a pass at me for the day. but good grief, i didn't even do my hair today. it had to be the lipstick.

also, today's experience was far more enjoyable than a few weeks ago, when a crackhead power couple chose to sit across from me and tweak out. both of them were missing all their teeth and the woman had forgotten to wear shoes, and kept tapping me with her socked foot, then loudly apologizing. she spent the entire 45 minutes licking her face. getting hit on by a beautiful woman was easily a nicer way to spend the ride. and i'll never forget the woman last year who told me all about her drug problem, having her child taken from her, and wanting to end her life. we had a good chat that day. then there's the infamous undercover doctor i had the honor of meeting last winter. so i can't complain. and really, what's nicer than having a little attention? we could all use a day like that.

the lipstick is from clinique, and it's called 'spiced apple.' try it out, and let me know how it goes.

a fairly decent hallow's eve

i usually don't like halloween. i have never been that person who gets dressed up and goes out. i'm not big on parties, even back when i was hot and single. it seemed like every year i ended up hanging out, playing guitar, eating candy, or whatever.

today was no different. i went running, cleaned, did homework, went to class, and had a pretty average day. travis is at work, so we weren't doing anything together.

yet, i still had a pretty decent day.
here are some reasons why:

1. a lot of guys dressed up as girls for halloween up at the university of utah. and i'm not talking just stuffing the bra. their costumes involved shaving of legs, high heeled boots, acrylic nails, eyeliner, corsets, and gorgeous wigs. the gay guy in my class today, i couldn't tell he was a man. his curves looked real. (and pretty nice, for that matter.) it was impressive.

2. seeing adults wearing masks, painting on bloody bruises, and sporting mad eye moody costumes.

3. listening to an old, toothless, black man singing, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" on trax. he had a very nice voice.

3. this:
i have pretty high expectations for holidays. and it's because my mom has always done crazy things like this meatloaf hand she cooked for dinner. she had the table beautifully decorated and we drank ginger ale with fresh lime from her nice crystal glasses. she invited me over for the carnage and it even tasted great.

4. doing stats homework ALL NIGHT. why would that be part of a good day, you ask? because i almost started sobbing about 6 different times from frustration, but in the end i figured it out and got a good grade. this stats class is really teaching me how to stick to something difficult. every time i do homework, i consider dropping out of school. not just as a joke, but throwing away 5 years of work and money just so i don't have to do this one math class. and every time i finish the work and understand, i get a little more confidence. tackling weakness is so empowering!

5. visiting travis at work today. going to the fire station is always a good time. the guys he works with are so easy going and friendly, always playing jokes on each other. travis had a little teeny fire he got to put out today, so he was in a great mood. i do love that man. :)

6. i turned in my application to graduate next spring and everything is right on track. i can't believe i only have to register for classes one more time! (until i get that master's... eventually.)

another halloween come and gone. hope yours was > mine.

(yeah, i threw a tiny piece of math in there. it's not so scary after all.)

happy halloweener!

vegetarian sexcapades

it's autumn.

i'm in slight denial.

i keep believing it's going to be 95 degrees again and that i still have time to go to the pool and bake my skin to golden brown.

but the crispness of the air and the changing leaves are unavoidable. and it gets dark at 7 and the sun isn't up until 7:30 in the morning.

plus it does this!:

yes, i'm aware my roses need trimming and weeding. iris grove, 
our neighbor, reminds me all the time.

but on the other hand, we did go to a gorgeous fall-themed wedding this week at Sundance Resort. the leaves were all changing and the ceremony was held in a room with giant windows and mason jars with candles inside hanging from the rafters. the groom was a fireman travis works with, the one who was his mentor during the cadet program. their wedding was intricately planned and very fancy shmancy. i could barely pronounce what was served for dinner. (some kind of apple glaze over rack of pork.)

anyhow, it was great fun to see all the fireman in actual dress clothes, although they still acted like overgrown children for the most part. (something travis tells me is part of the job description and something i really love.) when it was time to eat, they seated all the fireman in the back of the room, naturally, and i didn't know most of the people at our table and we were easily the youngest. i picked up the dinner menu, noticing a vegetarian option. travis likes to tease our sister in law who is vegetarian, so i showed him the menu and said, loudly, "oh look travis, you can have your vegetarian dinner option!" and i may have taken a tone suggesting that vegetarians are ridiculous. (which isn't at all what i think, but i was trying to make travis laugh.)

travis's eyes got big and he flicked his gaze to the older couple sitting next to me.

little did i know, i had been seated next to the new battalion chief and his wife, who are, you guessed it, strict vegetarians.

and they had definitely heard my witty little comment.

fast forward to last night:

i recently found out that one of my good friends is pregnant! we stopped by their house to congratulate them and found that her inlaws had stopped by too.

in the midst of talking nausea and sex of the baby, her mother-in-law goodnaturedly joked that my friend had informed her the possible conception site of the baby, a place that could be considered inappropriate by some. i already knew about this, and figured everyone else in the room did, too. so i said the place out loud.

oh don't worry.

i'm sure her father-in-law really did want to know about their risky sexcapade.

after all, what is family for, if not to be extra close to one another.

turns out my foot in mouth syndrome hasn't healed up yet.

i think i'll just start hanging this picture in breast reduction clinics all over the salt lake valley.

happy fall time!

insert foot in mouth, rinse and repeat

obviously, travis is at work and i'm supposed to be doing homework. otherwise, i wouldn't write two ridiculously long blog posts in one day. but some funny stuff happened last weekend and i figured i should document.

i have a small problem. some know it as the "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. it appears to be getting worse as time goes on.

disgusting.

not only do i frequently put my foot in my mouth, i am getting worse about just blurting out what's on my mind. enjoy a few of my recent experiences starting with the most recent:

as i have expressed, i'm getting pretty frustrated with selling our house. it's becoming almost a sensitive topic. so this morning on our walk with charlie, when our sweet old neighbor said, "i guess you're not leaving us yet?" i answered, rather curtly, "we're trying!" she didn't say anything else and travis gave me the look.

noice.

a few days ago i was heading home from school. the train was extra crowded and as we shuffled in, the entire train was greeted by the rantings of an angry woman. "get out of the way! i have to be able to see my kids!" the poor soul stepped out of the way, only for her to yell, "ow! now you're on my left toe!" she turned to her friend and whined, loudly enough for everyone to hear, about how uncomfortable she was. we were practically standing on each other and as the train sped down toward the city, everyone jerked forward and back. her friend said, " i think there was more space in the first train." to which the angry woman replied, "then why did everyone get on this one?" she was still speaking in her outside voice, meaning for us to hear how upset she was.

naturally, i opened my mouth and called out, "because we were all waiting in line for this one!"

she looked shocked that i had said anything. but i didn't stop there.

"you say you're uncomfortable, but you're the one sitting in a seat; we're all standing on top of each other. so maybe you should just keep your mouth shut."

everyone on the train looked amazed. a few quiet chuckles escaped. the woman looked to her friend for support and then stammered, "well i wasn't talking to you, so maybe you should mind your business."

to which i replied, "everyone on this train can hear you complaining, so it is my business."

awkward... luckily her stop was long before mine, because the way she and her friend kept whispering and pointedly looking at me, i know she would have kicked my ash.

moving on to last weekend.

travis and i joined my family for a little getaway in island park, idaho, where my grandparents own a cabin. my mom and i dropped the guys off for a long day of fishing and then we headed out to the idaho state fair. great time, blah blah. by the time we went to retrieve the menfolk and their boat, it was dark out. while my mom (so i thought) was backing up the trailer into the dock, i walked down to say hi to travis. i was standing above on the dock and called down to him. he was talking to a medium height, bald man, who could only be my father. i made a joke and the man laughed. while he was laughing, he put a cigarette into his mouth and lit up.

"dad!? are you smoking a cigarette!?" i asked in a very loud, concerned voice and then realized-

"are you my dad?"

he was not.

ok, now let's go back another few months.

one of my favorite cousins was in town and was bringing her boyfriend over to meet the family. i was really excited to see her and to meet this guy she had told me all about. so we meet him, it's going great, and he seems like a great guy. then my dad asks him what he does for work.

"i weld potato beds."

only it sounded more like, "ahh waalld poe tae tah bades." pretty heavily accented.

well if you know me well, you know that i am constantly speaking in different accents, because i think it's hilarious. i even teach sunday school in a russian accent sometimes.

so, when her boyfriend says this, naturally, i repeat what he said, only i accent it like, a hundred times more heavily, so that i sound like a completely uneducated farmer. oh and really loudly too, like when some people are trying to get hispanic people to understand english by yelling.

"AHH WAAALLD POE TAE TAH BAAADES."

silence.

until my mom scolds, "collette!" and my dad mercifully changes the subject, and travis gives me the look.

turns out the boyfriend had just returned from a mission in texas, and the accent was probably heavily influenced by this fact.

it's not all bad, this foot in mouth business.

turns out i laugh all the time.




(if this cousin happens to read this, i'm really sorry if i hurt any feelings. it was not intended. i don't have a problem with texan accents and was only trying to bond with the boyfriend.)

the time my nemisis became my friend

good news. remember the girl from the gym who i just couldn't stand? and how it bothered me so much that we had this mutual disdain? this morning at kickboxing we had a breakthrough.

so to backup a tidtch, i learned why i instantly couldn't stand her. in my psychology of love class, i learned that being in a heightened state of arousal can cause us to misinterpret our feelings. so for example, if you're standing on a very high bridge and it's swinging and dangerous, and a super mc-hottie comes to rescue you, you might mistakenly place your feelings of adrenaline and being swept off your feet onto the hot rescue man, instead of just realizing that you are freaking out from certain danger of the scary bridge. well apparently this can go both ways. like if you're at the gym in a state of arousal (from the cardio workout, you pervs, not because i'm aroused aroused) and there is a girl there who you are a little bothered by, because her abs are so incredibly nice that she really could wash her laundry on them, then that feeling of being bothered could be blown incredibly out of proportion, leading you to post shallow and rude things about her on your blog. or to have a feeling of dread the entire week before kickbox class.

no really, tons of people who are in accidents or disasters together end up together, in true love. it's true. it's science.

so, having this knowledge, i decided to try again. and today, when we were supposed to find a partner to "spar" with, i asked her to be my partner. and when she mentioned her husband, i asked her how long she has been married. which led us to a conversation about the adjustments of married life and then we were laughing and making jokes and pretty soon we were friends. and yeah, i'm still a little jealous of her rockin' bod and i'm pretty ashamed of myself for my previous post, but this right here, this is progress. you know, being the change and all that. plus i have a new friend. :)

and yeah, i am using psychology to justify all my faults. knowledge is power, yo.

condoms and gluesticks.

disclaimer: this post talks about condoms. if that makes you uncomfortable, just click the little red X at the top right. but, with that opening line, you're probably going to keep reading.

i'm taking accutane right now. it's my second go 'round and it's working great. maybe sometime i'll get brave and post my before and after pictures. some serious pimple-idge. anyway, if while you're taking accutane, you should happen to get knocked up, your baby will be born without ears. and some other sad birth defects. so while i'm taking accutane, travis and i have to use two forms of birth control. i chose the iud and condoms. (last time i took accutane was before we were married, so i got to claim abstinence as my birth control. how cool is that?)

well, buying condoms is always a pretty good time. first off, you get to stand in the awesome FAMILY PLANNING aisle, right next to the vagisil and monostat. and for some reason, it's always late at night, and the florescent glow adds some real romance to the occasion. last time we went condom buying, as we stood there, studying options (glow in the dark! warming and cooling! ribbed for her pleasure! - i'm sorry, but warming and cooling all up in my business just seems like a bad idea.) anyway, we're standing there staring, and this woman walks up and stands next to us. she looks pretty upset about something. then, she abruptly grabs a pregnancy test, mutters under her breath, and stomps off. we felt pretty bad for her, but appreciated the drama.

well last night was that blessed time again. luckily for us, school supplies were on sale so we picked up some glue sticks for 50 cents. after playing the game of "whose blood pressure is the lowest?" (it was mine, btw, but travis did beat me in lowest pulse. and i know that should be "lower" not "lowest" but "lowest" sounds more like an actual game name.)

oh ps, there are some condoms called "magnums" that are for the extra large and i feel really strange about that because of magnum guns. so if you're extra large, it's a gun... and that's pretty frightening and freaky to think about. geeze, what does that do for the self esteem of the guys not buying magnum? why does a man's self esteem need to be centered on size? why is extra manliness associated with guns and therefore, violence? oh and the packaging is pretty intimidating, too. (no pun intended...)



anyway, we picked out our non-magnum condoms and headed up to the front to checkout. i handed our cashier the booty and our good-find-gluesticks. when you buy condoms, the cashier always does this double take and then tries to act like he didn't just picture you... buying condoms. so our cashier, a young strapping lad, does the double take and i'm not going to let that go unnoticed. so i said, "should make a pretty good combination right?" he started stammering and laughing, saying, "um... i guess the glue would help against the pregnancy thing right? or something?"

thanks man, that's a new one.

travis and i walked out laughing, with him telling me that once again, i have gone too far.