waiting.

waiting.
that is how i feel lately.
yesterday marked 37 weeks.
full term. this means i have a fully developed human baby sitting in my body, also waiting.
for what, i'm not sure.
i wonder if he is the one who gets to choose when to come.

everyone told me the last month would be the hardest. that i would be uncomfortable, huge, impatient, and desperate for him to come out.

yeah, i'm actually doing okay in that department. this is the most comfortable i have been during this whole pregnancy.
even with seven trips to the bathroom every night.
even though every time i stand up, i feel like my arms will rip off from supporting the enormous belly weight.
even with the sharp pelvic pain of him burrowing deeper into my crotch.
i can do this for three more weeks, easy.

the house becomes cleaner and more organized each day. yesterday my mom and i started getting the nursery ready, arranging adorable white furniture, soft blankets, and miniature clothes. later today i'm going to start on the mobile and tomorrow my grandma is helping us sew a bunting to match the crib bedding.

the rest of the house is also getting the full treatment. i have several chandeliers, a shelf, and some pictures to hang in the dining room. if remy takes three more weeks to get here, my house is finally going to be decorated.

waiting, waiting.

as this whole ordeal comes to an end, i have been looking back and reflecting on the beginning. not the beginning of pregnancy, but before that, the reasons travis and i decided it was time to add a third member to our little family.

you may remember how reluctant i was to get pregnant. i didn't even know for sure if i ever would. part of me thinks i had a small premonition of how difficult it would be, and that i kind of knew i needed to be finished with school and other things first. travis and i both agreed that it's a good thing we didn't know how awful this would all be, or else we wouldn't have been brave enough to do it.

as i have said before, just before getting married and then afterwards, i felt a great deal of pressure to get pregnant. it seemed every time we went to a family dinner at travis's parents or grandparents', all i heard was, "so when are you guys going to get started on that baby?" one family member even told me i was being selfish with my body by not getting pregnant right away. i was so confused. why didn't my goals to finish my degree seem as important as getting knocked up? what was the rush and why was it everyone's business? from then on, even harmless teasing left me angry and defensive.

any time travis held a baby, i felt terrified and angry. and jealous. i started feeling that if we did have a baby, i would always come second with travis. you may remember that our first year of marriage was kind of a train wreck, that we were both insecure and anxious. this pressure i felt to get pregnant only added to the strain. it wasn't that travis was pressuring me; we both knew we weren't in a place to start adding kids to the mix, but travis was worried about all my claims to never want to have a baby, and i was terrified that he would love that baby more than me. thank goodness for counseling and learning that my insecurity stemmed from PTSD and could be managed.

another thing, a big thing, that started changing the way i felt about having a baby was the infancy class i took for my psych degree. and here's the huge nerd coming out in me. it was funny, because i was signed up for an adult lifespan class, a class i was looking forward to, but then the enrollment was too low, so the class was cancelled at the last minute and i had to scramble to find another class. the only class left, was, you guessed it, an infancy development class. i was devastated. imagine my shock to find that it was one of my favorite classes. turned out learning about babies' brains was fascinating. i started paying more attention to the babies travis's little sister nannied, watching for the things i was learning in my class. i started thinking, it might be cool to have one of those little things around all the time to observe and learn from. i could even do some of the experiments i was learning about in class! yeah, my desire to have a baby all began with the excitement of having a subject on whom to observe and test theories. what can i say, i love to learn.

when i started feeling this way, i decided maybe travis should know. i will never forget that day. we were doing yard work together on a hot august afternoon. i was spreading mulch around our flowerbeds and travis was in the back of his truck shoveling the earthy smelling mixture out to me.

"so travis." i started. "i have been thinking."
"okay." he said, nervously, because usually conversations starting this way lead to me asking him to do some awful chore.
"yeah, i think we should have a baby."
he put the shovel down, mouth gaping open. i laughed uncontrollably, which i'm sure only added to travis's shock and suspicion that his wife had been switched out by body snatchers.
"well, not right now. not until i graduate and work for a bit. so probably in a year from now."
travis was still not speaking. it took another half hour to convince him i was serious.

so that was the tentative plan. we spoke of it on and off, mostly off, but i kind of always had this internal countdown ticking in my head.

then in april following that august, we attended a temple marriage for one of my cousins.
i know that the marriage was all about the eternal union of two people, having nothing really to do with travis and me, but the only message i really heard in that room was that someone was waiting to join our family. that feeling was one of the strongest and most direct i've ever felt.
the rest of the day, travis and i pointedly avoided talking about it. we went to the mall to kill time before my cousin's reception, and finally i asked.
"so travis. nice ceremony in the temple today, huh?"
he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "yeah, very nice."
"lots of emotion in that room." i said. "you feel anything in particular?"
"what? no. nothing really." he said, smiling.
"yeah, me neither." i agreed.

and we both knew we were still on for august.

then i graduated from college and started that job as an adolescent substance abuse counselor. one of the hardest jobs i've ever worked. i started to feel that if i could wrangle 16 kids with serious addictions, emotional issues, and family problems, having just one of my own, who i was in charge of teaching how to be a good person, wouldn't be so difficult after all.

oh and there was also a conversation i had with my parents, where i cried to them about how i didn't want to have a baby, that it was too scary and unknown, and did i even have to? my dad told me that there's nothing quite like watching his daughter play the guitar and sing for him. my mom told me she thought i would be a wonderful, mother with my own ways of doing things. their confidence in me really made all the difference. people have always told me that travis will make such a great father, and they are right, but i kind of always felt i was too much of a mess to be a mother to anyone.

so last august rolled around and i found myself making an appointment to have my IUD removed.
a week later i was pregnant.
and the rest was misery, oh i mean history.
just a little joke for you there.

this journey has already taught me all kinds of things i didn't know i didn't know, and it's only the beginning.
i doubt i'm ready for any of it.

but at least the house is clean, we have a car seat, the nursery is getting there, and travis and i are more solid than ever before.
how much more ready can you be, right?

also, my thighs are getting pretty huge.

three more weeks of waiting.
who knows, maybe less?

xo

36: contractions, cute fireman, and coming to terms with pushing a baby through a vagina.

want to know what's a little mind blowing? 

being 36 weeks pregnant. 

it's like, um is this really my life? is it possible to be larger than i am right now? will i ever be able to walk up a flight of stairs without running out of breath again?  there really is a baby, like a human baby, in there, huh? has this seriously been going on for THIRTY SIX WEEKS OF MY LIFE? 

weird stuff, i'm telling ya. 

so far week 36 has been pretty fantastic. 

yesterday, as usual, i was at my parents' house around dinnertime. my dad whipped up this delicious chicken stir fry with carrots and green beans and ginger, YUMMO, and not only was i able to eat all of it, two helpings, i stayed in the kitchen while he cooked it, instead of running waddling for cover in the basement to get away from the nausea making smells. still taking the zofran and pepcid before breakfast and dinner, but every week i am less and less nauseous. you kind of forget what life is like without that constant companion. let me tell you, NAUSEA-FREE LIFE IS GRAND. 

went two whole weeks without getting hydration. (!) 

had several beautiful baby showers, pictures to come someday, and had a good time organizing remy's room. can't wait to get his nursery all set up and beautiful. 

geez remy, spoiled much? 

my friend lilian had her baby, a gorgeous baby boy with tons of dark hair.

i thought travis was going to steal him when we visited lilian and derrick at the hospital. man, that guy looks cute holding a baby.

speaking of travis, check out the sexy business of him in turnout gear. (he's on the left.) firemen are some strange creatures. before i knew travis, i figured fire fighters were all about fire prevention. (which, officially, they are, of course.) but the real truth is that for a fire fighter, nothing could be more like shooting heroin than running into a burning building, smashing down windows and walls, and hosing out flames that are hot enough to melt your gloves, which is what happened to travis in this fire.

i have lost track of how many times i've heard this.
"yeah we got paged out on a fire, but the freakin' home owner had already put it out by the time we got there!" like, these guys are genuinely upset that the fire didn't spread and damage anything.
i love fire fighters.

travis was pretty proud of the amount of soot and ash accumulated from the fire.


so all around, so far it's been a great week. but the best part for me, was a pretty neat discovery.

i am no longer afraid of giving birth.
this is huge for me.

let me explain how this happened.

for one thing, i have been educating myself. for me, this has always been the best cure for fear, education. you may remember how much i love being a student? so i had a good talk with myself and decided i was going to approach labor as if i were studying for a test, probably the most important test i've ever taken. so how did i prepare myself for any other test? get that info into my brain!

i read meghan's book, mind over labor, which started helping me to think about birth in a different way, that i could be in control of the experience, that i have options. i'm still struggling with the notion that my body is perfectly designed to grow and deliver a baby, because the growing part was such a battle. obviously, my body didn't like being pregnant. but the idea that my uterus, cervix, and vagina will work in harmony to expel a baby (seriously!?) is less and less freaky and more and more believable.

after that book, i read liana's copy of hynobirthing, the mongan method. this book had a very interesting history of birth and why we think about birth the way we do. and then the part i thought sounded crazy until i read the book: how to train yourself to go into self hypnosis and deep relaxation to control pain and allow your body to work correctly during labor. go {here} for a more in depth explanation. pretty fascinating stuff.

the book came with several CDs to help you practice breathing and relaxation exercises. i was skeptical, but they work. so well that sometimes i fall asleep while i practice them, such a deep sleep i don't realize i'm asleep until i wake up three hours later. i don't know how the relaxation will go when i'm in extreme pain, but i'm excited to try it out.

travis and i also watched the documentary, the business of being born. be prepared to see loads of boobs if you watch this. travis was a little traumatized, i think. i was delighted to discover that watching women give birth didn't send me into fits of tears, though. the difference was that these women were in different positions than the ones i had previously seen. i have a lot of negative feelings about spreading my legs, feet in the stirrups, and having doctors poking around down there, completely out of my control. watching women giving birth sitting up or in a tub, not with their parts totally exposed, wasn't scary at all.

and then i have also been looking into epidurals, how they work, what the risks are, etc. getting my birth plan all set. it's really hard to know what you will want in a situation you have never been in, with a pain level you have only heard explained to you. i don't want to commit to going unmedicated, because maybe in those moments, i'll want the medication. i do want to arm myself with preparation and knowledge so that if i feel able to go without the meds, i'll be ready.

most importantly, i no longer want an elective c-section. (!)

okay, that was long. now for the experience this week that led to the cool discovery of not being afraid of giving birth.

a few days ago travis and i were at ikea, buying a changing table and i started having contractions. i've been having the painless, practice braxton hicks contractions for the past few weeks. these contractions were not those. obviously, the pain level was far from what labor will be like, but these ones hurt. enough that i had to stop walking, bend over, and hold onto whatever was in closest grabbing reach. we started timing them. three to four minutes apart, lasting a minute and a half. i ended up finding a chair, because i couldn't keep up with travis. he found the changing table, bought it, and we left. the contractions lasted two hours, and then slowed down.

then later that night, my mom and i were out shopping at walmart and they started coming again, this time with even more intensity. three to four minutes apart, lasting a minute and a half. painful enough that walking was hard work. this lasted another hour, and then they slowed down again, but during the night, they were painful enough i woke up a few times. by morning, they were mostly gone.

the thing that was so surprising, was how exciting it was! i didn't feel any fear, just pure excitement that maybe this was it! maybe remington was making his appearance and we were going to meet him! i welcomed the pain, (again, i know this pain is nothing compared to what will come.) because the pain meant these contractions might be the real thing. i loved seeing the looks on travis and my mom's faces, looks of such excitement. i am so ready to give birth! seriously, who the H am i? never thought i would say that.

well that's pretty much it.
now to get back to the ridiculous amount of obsessive cleaning and organizing going on. all i want to do is clean everything in sight. think i'll go tackle the hall closet next.

worrying about things is way scarier than dealing with them.
so ready to face and conquer this lifetime worry of mine, giving birth.

xo

talking to strangers.

last night i was finally able to do something i have been waiting to do this whole pregnancy.

since most of this experience has been spent laying on the couch, i haven't had many of those funny and/or awkward experiences with strangers many pregos report having. it took until i was in the third trimester for a stranger to even notice i was pregnant, or at least pregnant enough to say something to my face about. dangerous waters, asking a woman if she is expecting.

so last night, my brother and his cute girlfriend and i are standing in line at kohl's. the cashier looks at me and says, "hey, congratulations!"
i focus on keeping every muscle in my face still. "on what?"
looking down at my obvious belly, he seems confused, but keeps wading in deeper. "on... on the baby?"
"baby? what are you talking about?" i ask in an offended voice.
then he apologizes up and down and appears mortified until the three of us burst into laughter and reassure him that yes, i'm very much pregnant and that i have been dying to embarrass someone like this.

so then the cashier starts doing that thing everyone does when they talk to a pregnant woman, talking all about their own experiences with pregnancy. unfortunately, this man makes a big mistake and says this. "i totally get it, my wife and i have five kids of our own."
eyebrows raising. "well, no, actually you don't get it. your wife gets it, but sorry pal, you don't get to say that to me."
a woman standing in line behind me starts nodding her head in agreement.
the cashier doesn't know how to stop himself though.
"well us men have to go through quite a bit ourselves you know, putting up with-"
i cut him off mid sentence. "no. you do not get to say that. whatever you went through is not what your wife went through, sorry."
several other women have joined the conversation at this point, all agreeing. "she's right! men don't get it!"
poor cashier bit off too much. he admits defeat.

then he says the other thing everyone tends to say to pregnant women.
"you better get as much sleep as you can, because when that baby comes, you will never sleep again." he looks at reed, points his finger and says, "you too buddy, say goodbye to your sleep." (probably the 3rd time my younger brother has been mistaken for the father of my child.)
reed smiles at him while taking his receipt and says, "why would i lose sleep? i'm her brother."
the cashier quickly looks back to me and i tell him, "yeah, we have no idea who the father is."

and the three of us howl with laughter and walk outside.

33-35: cribs, cake, and caterpillar lips.

what's up world!?
we made it to april!
grass is turning green, tulips and daffodils are popping up, and fuzzy little buds are sprouting on tree branches!
how excited are we???

pretty excited at my house anyway.

check out what went down over here last week:

proud father.
travis is the cutest.
when we were picking out the crib, he was so into it. i had another one all picked out and he was like, wait, did we see this one? i like the shape of it better. and then he was like, ohhhh look at this cute jungle themed bedding! it's so fun!
 wasn't expecting him to be so into the details. LOVE IT.

i kind of hate most crib bedding, but finally stumbled onto some i love. we are ordering this today! finally found a compromise between trav's jungle animals and my quest for vintage christopher robin-esque ideas.
aaaaand i have become that person who posts pictures of crib bedding going AHH AHH OH OH SO ADORABLE! mmmmkay.

also, i was quite shocked to discover how much some people will pay for crib bedding. go {here} if you want to be shocked.
yeah, we haven't spent that much on all our home furnishings combined.
props to you if you are spending that kind of dinero on your baby though.


anyway.

getting bigger and bigger in the belly region. the past few weeks are kind of a blur, mostly because i have cotton balls where my brain used to be.

don't believe me? check out this conversation travis and i had the other day.

travis: if remy comes out with red hair, i'm going to be suspicious.
collette: well my grandma has red hair, and my aunt, and one cousin, so it could happen.

travis: yeah, or you are having ______ (a redheaded guy he works with who he thinks i think is smokin' hot, which i totally don't.) _____'s baby!
collette: well no, maybe you cheated on me with a redheaded woman!
travis: ... uh collette?

yeah, cottonballs for brains.
(and travis was just kidding, he doesn't accuse me of actually cheating on him with redheads. or anyone else.)
okay, here's the latest succession of belly shots.

it seems the bigger the belly gets, the better i feel. less nausea, more ability to eat normally. even my super smeller nose is becoming less sensitive. like, usually before bed, i have to change into different garments because the ones i wore all day smell like whatever food i ate and make me sick. i smelled my garment top the other night, and it smelled how clean clothes are supposed to smell, like laundry, even though i had been around the smell of food cooking at my parents. cool moment. 

(also, these garments i'm talking about have to do with my LDS-ness and if you have questions about that, email me.) 

but yeah, i haven't even gone in for infusion for over a week! the last month of pregnancy might shape up to be pretty fantastic.

don't get me wrong, i'm loving all the new symptoms: being so front-heavy you can't get up without groaning, peeing 7 or 8 times a night, (that might have something to do with the entire bottle of water i drink throughout the night though. so thirsty these days!)  tons of contractions, mostly painless, and that infamous  3rd trimester waddle. oh and my crotch being on fire. crazy sharp pain all up in the crotch area, supposedly from remy moving down, down, down. i tell you, half the time i walk anywhere anymore, i'm bent over, legs skeee-wampas crossed, moaning, "ohhhh the pain! ohhh!"
but seriously, i'll take it, gladly. just overwhelmingly thankful to not be feeling sick all the time.

another cool thing, it has finally sunk in that we are having a baby, not that i'm dying of some terrible illness.
and we are all kinds of excited about that.
amazing that you can get to know this little life inside you, without even seeing his face.

and because this post hasn't been scattered enough, here are some pictures from easter, which was fantastic. spent time with both our families, and then while travis worked a night shift at tosh, my family and friend roxanne spent the evening playing music and eating strawberry shortcake. good day.

love seeing my three brothers all together again. it never gets old.

headed out for a post-easter feast walk. 

aaaand some from yesterday. waddling down the stairs at my parents' house with a plate full of cake (that i was taking to the fire department, haven't completely given up on life yet.) felt like a huge stereotype and had to document.

visiting my handsome baby daddy.

you may have noticed a new growth on trav's face.
he decided to participate in mustache march this year. if you know me well, you know that i view mustaches as abominations from the fiery pits of deepest hell. travis has never grown his out before, mostly because of my strict, no relations policy. but this year, the whole pelvic rest thing took the power out of my policy, so there is a fuzzy caterpillar on his upper lip. i also kind of think it was travis's way of taking control over just one thing that has happened in the past eight months. so go ahead pal, grow that lip hair!

i did tell him that remington will not be meeting a father who looks like an out of work adult film star, so he best clear that lip off in the next few weeks.

oh life. lovin' it.

xo

where sunflowers grow: part II

so last summer, about a month before i got pregnant, back when i was blissfully ignorant of how miserable a person can be, i wrote {this post} about finding the good in the bad, how sometimes sunflowers grow in patches of weeds. during some of the worst times during this pregnancy, i have tried really, really hard to think about where sunflowers grow. because i have to believe this terrible trial happened for a reason and that some good came out of it. especially after days like yesterday.

yesterday was not a good day.

i guess this really starts last week, when i had a scary panic attack. nausea-wise, it was a rough day. compared to a few months ago, it wasn't bad at all, but i was still feeling pretty yucky. i went pee in the upstairs bathroom at my parents' and thought i might throw up. i have thrown up so many times in that toilet, and for some reason, it just freaked me out that night. right after going pee, travis and i got in our car to drive home. he asked me how i was doing and i said, "oh man, i thought i was going to puke in there."

and then i started to cry.
then the whole bit, hyperventilating, heart pounding, legs going numb, feeling dizzy, etc. the usual song and dance of my panic attacks.

travis, who was confused at first about how his wife had gone from completely calm to this person who couldn't breathe, pulled the car over and hugged me while i sobbed. helped me slow my breathing down and get everything under control again.

"you're okay collette. you aren't throwing up anymore. you aren't going to throw up." he kept telling me. as i sit here and type this, i'm starting to cry because of how real that fear is, that i'm going to go back to being that person who is trapped in a body that won't keep food down, a body that doesn't work right, no matter what you try, no matter what meds you take. those months were unbelievably isolating and terrifying.

then a few days later.
travis and i were sitting on our couch, just hanging out, and we made a couple of jokes about our non-existent sex life.
then we went upstairs to get dressed to leave, and i just stood there in the closet, sobbing my eyes out.
again, travis was confused about his seemingly calm wife turning into a blubbering mess in a matter of minutes.

i was just filled with this hot rage that our lives have been so altered by hyperemesis and that neither of us had any control over any of it.

so then yesterday.

i had a dentist appointment for a tooth i had chipped on sunday. after eating dinner, i realized there was a jagged hole in one of my molars. uhgggg, a trip to the dentist, something i have been dreading, because i had a terrible time taking care of my teeth during the vomiting. just putting the toothbrush in my mouth was enough to send me to the toilet. i remember nights, trying to get myself to bed after forcing down that bowl of cereal, and then brushing my teeth. feeling the cereal coming back up, starting to sweat and turn green and travis saying, "oh no, you're so close to going to sleep, come on, you can do it!" and then throwing up the cereal and having to go back downstairs and try to eat again. so i wasn't able to take very good care of my teeth and i knew i'd be paying the price eventually.

got to the dentist. did the whole, "how's the pregnancy going?" "oh it's been pretty hard, i threw up a lot." trying not to be overly dramatic about it, and then wishing i could just scream to him that it's been living hell and i can't believe i could live feeling like i was going to die for that many months. and then he's like, yeah, well my sister had tough pregnancies and she ended up having five kids. plus she had preeclampsia, so try having that plus being sick! ...good thing pregnancy makes you so tired, or i think i would punch a lot of faces.

so then he numbs me up and starts drilling on the tooth. saying, "oh this should be quick and easy.... oh wait."
and you're all numb and drooly and you're like, "whaa? wha's going on??"
he tells you he can tell you vomited a lot. and that the acid from the vomit has worn away the tooth and that was why the tooth crumbled away, and it's now in the nerve and you need a root canal.
"yeah, vomit is pretty rough on your teeth." he says.
like he even knows.

he didn't look at the rest of my teeth and i really don't want him to. a few months before i got pregnant, i had a cleaning and my teeth were perfect, no problems, no cavities. now my teeth are chipping and filled with decay?

i barely made it out of the office before bursting into tears. not because i need a root canal, even though that will be a long and uncomfortable day. i cried all the way home because i feel so angry, so betrayed by my body, so upset that i did it, i faced my fear of pregnancy and it was harder and more miserable than i ever could have imagined. i'm so angry that i had to learn these big words, hyperemesis gravidarum and that even though i'm not throwing up anymore, that i'm doing better, my teeth are paying the price. that i have panic attacks when i feel extra nauseated. that the decision to give remington a sibling isn't going to be a simple, happy thing.

angry angry angry.

but the piece of me that demands i see the whole situation and not just the bad parts, that annoying voice that insists good things have come from this, reminds me of a few important things.

remember that PTSD i have as a result of sexual assault? and how i have a hard time believing that the people i love most and who love me, actually do love me? specifically, my parents and travis. it hasn't completely "gone away" but it is completely different now.

quick recap. after the assault, i looked at myself in a different way. i felt dirty, used. i remember on a trip to our cabin, looking through the screen door at my family sitting by the fire outside, and feeling that i wasn't worthy to sit with them, that i was somehow tainted. i believed that my parents saw me as something disgusting and that they couldn't possibly love me the same way ever again.

it sounds irrational, i know, but this is how i have felt for a long time. part of me knew my parents loved me, but the other part just knew i wasn't worthy of their love.

so when i became so sick i couldn't care for myself anymore, my mom was the first to understand. i suddenly was terrified to be away from her, because she seemed to get it in a way no one else did, that i had severe food aversions, that having to smell just about anything would make me sicker. she was the first person i really broke down in front of after vomiting. she stroked my back and hair while i sobbed to her that i couldn't do this anymore, that i couldn't survive, i wanted out. i had heard so many things that made it worse, like "eat crackers" or "everyone gets sick when they are pregnant" that i was afraid to be around anyone, because those comments were un-validating (is that a word?) and made everything harder. i just wanted to be around my mom, because she understood how sick i was without me having to prove anything to her.

i also started to see how much my dad loves me. which i know, shouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but it is. with travis having to work so much, i couldn't be alone, so, as i've said, i moved in with my parents. every morning, my dad would cheerily greet me with, "good morning pumpkin!" and then ask what i thought i could eat for breakfast. if i threw it up, he would try to cheer me up and re-feed me. he distracted me with things to laugh at, like watching seinfeld together or making jokes. he gave the perfect combination of sympathy and a can-do attitude, always telling me, "you're doing great, babe! just keep going!" my dad also kept me from going insane, taking me on small outings to the grocery store when i felt up to it and on drives to get out of the dreary january weather. both my parents planned their lives around taking care of me, putting off trips and dates, and cooking something i would be able to keep down, which was no small feat, considering it changed almost daily. nothing could have "fixed" the situation, but their complete support and concern made all the difference.

then, travis. that man has made so many quiet sacrifices. before this all happened, i had a hard time believing i came first with him or that he could possibly love me. (again, seems like a no-brainer, i mean, the guy married me, obviously he loves me, but the PTSD has a way of tricking me into believing a man could only want me for my body and that i'm not a priority. and this is the quick version.)  after going through this pregnancy with travis, i have absolutely no doubts about his love for me. between all the things he has done, like caring for me physically, taking charge of everything i couldn't do, including things like the 45 minute phone call it took to pay off my student loan, and let's me honest, basically doing everything for me. and then the big things, the things i'll never forget, like watching him argue with the doctor that week we rushed into the ER and then L&D a few days later. the doctor was talking over me, while i was laying helpless in that hospital bed, saying this was normal and that i would probably start feeling better soon. travis wasn't having it and he interrupted that doctor.
"she can't eat. anything. i warm up plain noodles for her and put butter on them and that is all she has been able to eat for weeks. something is not right here."

that was the point when the doctor started to talk about getting hydration for me and that if things didn't improve, we would go to a PICC line.

how on earth could i not believe in travis's love for me after all of that?
now i am able to have a panic attack in front of travis and allow him for comfort me, something that before, i would have hid from him and handled it on my own, which would make it worse. 


these examples are only a tiny picture of all that my parents and travis have done for me during this pregnancy. and yes, i'm so very angry that this happened to my life. but how selfish would i be if i didn't recognize the incredible things that came along too? for the first time since i was that fourteen year old girl, i know without a doubt of my parents' love for me. i know without a doubt that travis loves me and that i come first with him. i have also learned how sure God's love for me is and that He is always there. these are some of the most important truths i could need to know.

i am angry that this happened to me and i don't understand why it had to be this way.

but i still believe sunflowers will grow in the patches of weeds that seem so awful. and we will look back and feel thankful for the very things that we struggled with.


xo

32: rambling and becoming a giant whale.

hello.
i have caught yet another cold.
i think that's four since september.
for those of you who normally always have a cold, i'm sorry. but my normally kick-A immune system never lets this happen to me and i am feeling pretty bitter about it.
on the bright side, this cold is way easier to deal with than the ones that were on top of the hyperemesis, so i'm not complaining that much. just really really really ready to be done sharing my body.

anyway, i want to write some witty, funny post, but now that i'm actually sitting here typing, i think i'm too tired to make fun picture collages and write about them. so going the lazy route and saying whatever pops into the old head-a-roo.

okay, what happened last week again?

oh, cool thing, after having that priesthood blessing, the bleeding slowed down and then completely stopped. at our doctor's appointment, my dreamy silver haired doc told us that sometimes the growing placenta plugs up the bleeding by putting pressure on the spot that's having trouble, much like putting pressure on a wound. maybe that happened? cool!

i believe in blessings and science working together.
well, and magic. because we all know harry potter is real and that we just never got our letters to hogwarts because the owls they chose either got eaten by my cat pepper or they just had no sense of direction.

tangent.

yep, no bleeding. i think i have had some contractions though. something pretty painful and crampy going on down there? last night they kept coming, like six or seven minutes apart. i think there were eight of them. but i took a bath and they went away.

oh, here's what we look like waiting for our doctor's appointment.

bag' o peanuts in my lap. 

doctor's appointment was good. with all the placenta scares, we got to have an unexpected ultrasound! one of the pictures doc printed out for us showed remy's mouth open and you see all the teeth bones. ZOMBIE ATTACK IN MY WOMB! is what it looked like.

i've gained around 22 pounds.
"yeah IN YOUR BRA!" says travis, who insists 8 of it has to be boob weight.
i am okay with him saying this.

uterus measuring a bit small, but the ultrasound measurements claim remy is right on track in size and weight.
doc told me to keep laying around doing nothing, endearing himself to me even more by saying, "don't lift laundry baskets or heavy dishes." (travis has been doing mostly everything anyway, so nothing new there.)

yep, still laying around watching these beauties grow!

oh, we went on a triple date!
(thanks again meghan for the gift card and instructions for us to go out on the town.)

candice, 16 weeks prego and "the whale!" at 32 weeks. 

still such a treat to go out, be around the smells of food and other people without getting sick, (besides the old PTSD acting up again, this time hyperemesis related, maybe i'll write about this sometime.) and being able to eat something like pizza. we had a DELIGHTFUL time with nate and lauren and getting to know megan and candice better.

and can i just say, i think megan and candice have got things figured out.
they are taking turns having their kids. how efficient is that!?!?! you get double the kids for half the pregnancy time. genius, i say.


still  feeling incredibly thankful for every meal i am able to eat.
funny story, took this picture with instagram, which cuts off a chunk of the photo, if you have IG, you know what i'm talking about. so then when i went back and looked through my photos on my phone, it showed the whole picture instead of the instagramed one, and i was like, um what is that huge tan bulge at the bottom of this picture, GOOD HOLY BATMAN, THAT WOULD BE MY BELLY!

whelp, that's pretty much it for week 32. getting more and more excited for this babe to GET OUT MY BELLY.

xo

31: placental abruption, "pelvic rest," and my husband racking up admirers.

isn't there some expression about time passing so slowly you can watch flowers growing right before your eyes?

or something? i'm calling pregnancy brain on this one. (which is a real thing! seriously, during the 3rd trimester, your brain cell volume decreases. go {here} if you're into reading about that.)

but yeah, this past week i have been really busy.
watching these tulips grow and laying around, trying not to hemorrhage placental blood.

that's a little dramatic. but the theme for week 31 was hospital visits. four total. one for hydration, and three for bleeding.

ooops, i didn't get a belly shot for 31 weeks. eh, the belly looks pretty close to the same as last week. this was what 31 weeks looked like, super attractive hospital gowns and napping while waiting for labs to come back.

the doctors' official best diagnosis/guess is partial {placental abruption}. this basically means the placenta is tearing away from the uterine wall, which is causing the bleeding, which causes irritated uterus and contractions. the thing that is a little scary about this is that it's a bit of a ticking time bomb. hopefully, it's just a tiny little flap that has torn away and we'll just be annoyed and stressed out by the constant bleeding, and we will just have to make a zillion hospital visits to make sure remy is getting oxygen and that i'm not going into labor. sometimes, the placenta tears away completely, which results in crazy bleeding and rushing to emergency c-section. they have no way of knowing where the tear is and there is no way to fix it, if this is in fact what is going on.

DOOOMSDAY! 

this is all a little scary, but i'm really not too worried yet. lots of women deal with this and have perfectly healthy, full term be-bes. i was a little worried yesterday when the bleeding had increased to bright red dripping throughout the day, but this morning it has slowed down. travis and his brothers gave me a priesthood blessing last night, and that always helps me feel comforted. i'll worry if, while travis is gone at the fire station, blood suddenly starts gushing everywhere and i have to call 911. until then, just feeling pretty annoyed that i'm not allowed to go to the gym or move very much. but i'll gladly take this bedrest over the hyperemesis fog from the first five months of this wild ride.



           other things about week 31.

• my ribs have become remington's jungle gym. every time travis feels how hard remy is pushing against my belly, he says, "this is why the placenta is tearing away! does he always kick so hard?" yes, yes he does. as weird and uncomfortable as it feels, i love it. 

• travis got a haircut. pretty sure the stylist who cuts his hair has a big fat crush on him, but i can't blame her. she always talks about how her husband is balding, and then runs her fingers through travis's thick hair. a lot. then tells him she has magic hands and giggles. mmmmkay.  i tagged along to the appointment because i had nothing better to do, and when she offered to give him her number so he could just text her next time he needs a trim, he looked at me, completely wide eyed and terrified. she gave him her card, but he refuses to put her number in his phone, something i find pretty hilarious. 

the guy has ridiculously thick hair. jealous! 

• speaking of trav's thick hair, i am loving my pregnancy hair. fun fact, so, the few hairs that fall out of our heads on a daily basis, the normal amount of hair that should fall out, this is caused by a hormone that shuts off during pregnancy. all that hair that would normally fall out, stays in. unfortunately, when pregnancy ends, the hormone comes back and all that hair that should have gradually fallen out, comes out all at once. not looking forward to that, but i am enjoying the thick luscious hair i have for now. 

• other random pregnancy side effects: my belly button is still an innie, but it's gotten much less deep and i did clean out a crazy amount of lint. also, it's pretty soft! weird. wedding ring still fits, but feels a little more snug than before. had a new craving this week: ice chips. umm, okay? 

• in the past week, i've had more vaginal/cervical exams than i have in my entire life. after one particularly painful one, the nurse looked at me and asked, "are you planning to go unmedicated?" i told her i haven't quite decided, but that i'm considering it. she smiled in a knowing way. "oh, you're getting the epidural." she informed me. if i do end up going unmedicated, i'm going to request that she be in the room. (but with each exam, i feel more and more than i'm probably going to end up getting the epi juice. we'll see. might just end up with that emergency c-section. at the rate things are going.) 

• got some pretty enormous bills in the mail from iv therapy and labor & delivery. so much for using our tax return on savings or going on a vacation. creating our own kid is going to be just about as expensive as adoption! thank goodness for insurance, or we'd probably have to sell remington when he gets here to avoid losing the house. (insert whiny, tragic violin music.)

that's pretty much it for the week. a little nerve wracking, but travis and i enjoyed spending lots of down time together. and how about this sweet irony: i finally feel well enough to enjoy some marital intimacy, and now i'm on "pelvic rest," a really tactful way of being told NO SEX FOR YOU. 

sigh. 

happy spring, though! lovin' that extra hour of daylight every night. 

xo

week 30: bruises, filleting fish, and contractions.

week 30 was a pretty excellent week, filled with gym time, maternity pictures, and spending time with travis. oh, and then there was that little stunt at the end of the week where we rushed to labor and delivery because of bleeding and contractions, which i'll get to in a minute.

one of my favs from the day.

like i said, we did maternity pictures this week. maternity pictures are probably my favorite type to take, you know, of other people. i hate being the subject and i pity anyone who takes my picture, because the whole time i'm backseat camera-ing. plus, taking a picture of me that i will actually like and approve of how i look, that takes some talent and patience. add the extra poundage and a big belly, and i'm liking my appearance less and less. so props to reed and my mom for making them so beautiful.

spring started showing its pretty face! check out these crocuses in trav's parents' flower beds. also, how nice is it that the sun is still up at 6pm?

okay, well it's not completely spring yet. travis went ice fishing for his first time this week with a guy from the fire station. he came home with a sack full of beauties and my dad was thrilled when travis wanted a filleting lesson.

this was a particularly gnarly bruise from hydration. but instead of my whole arm being covered, it's just one! (on that side.) i have been going less (which is probably going to change, but again, i'll get to that in a sec.) so the arms aren't quite as hammered anymore.

we went on a double date with my parents saturday night, to the new (ish) city creek mall downtown slc. here we are, petting a goat in a very expensive clothing store. also, travis made a new friend, an older gentleman who seemed quite taken with travis. i always enjoy watching travis get hit on, by males or females, because let's be honest, travis is a fine specimen of man flesh.

speaking of travis, check out this beautiful loaf of bread he baked sunday morning. not much sexier than a man who bakes, eh?

also featured in week 30, but without an accompanying picture:

• went to the gym a whopping three times and upped my hand weights and cardio time.
•  finally had another pregnancy craving of green beans, drizzled with seasame oil and soy sauce! thanks to my mama for making them every day. (cooking still makin' me sick.) 
• did a photo shoot for an outgoing missionary. feels so great to be working a tiny bit again! 
• enjoyed feeling remington moving. those little jabs i thought were so powerful and strong a month ago? yeah long gone. now i can feel actual body parts scraping up against my belly. if you watch, you'll see waves of remington rippling up and down. so crazy!

week 30 was shaping up to be quite the week, minimal nausea, everything normal at the doctor appointment, etc. etc. etc. 

then sunday night got a teensy bit exciting. 

we did the usual routine, go to my parents' for dinner and then spend time with both sides of our family for the evening. we were having such a good time at trav's parents' that we didn't end up getting home until around 10pm. like always, i headed straight to the bathroom to pee and there i made a startling discovery, blood in my underwear. 

hmmm. haven't seen that in a while. 

wait blood. blood in your underwear isn't good during pregnancy, right? 

said my brain, stupidly. 

then when i wiped, (yes wiped, we all wipe when we pee, or at least the ladies do and men, it's not a terrible idea.) there was more blood on the toilet paper. 

"uh travis?" i called. "so i'm bleeding in here." 

we stared at my bloody underwear, not like dripping-with-blood bloody, but the amount of blood i usually see on the first day of my period. enough that we were concerned. "we should call the doctor?" we decided. and called the on call doctor at the labor and delivery unit. 

then this. 

"hey, yeah so i just noticed that i'm bleeding, yes i'm almost 31 weeks. yeah, cramping and some sharp pains down near my uh... vagina... area. like inside shooting up there. well i don't really know what contractions feel like exactly... but my uterus has been tightening up on and off? oh really? well, okay." 

i hang up the phone and travis asks, "okay what do they want us to do?" 

"the doctor says that we should just watch the bleeding, see if it gets worse, and go into the office tomorrow morning to get checked." i answer, feeling confused and seeing that confusion echoed on travis's face. 

"call your mom." travis suggested. 

my mom was alarmed to hear that i was bleeding and told us we should just go in, to H with that doctor's advice. 

travis sealed it for me with, "you have been working hard on this pregnancy for 30 weeks now. i say we just go in." 

our confidence in doctors is pretty much shot by now.

so we call the doctor back, tell him we are uncomfortable with the amount of blood and are coming in, and walk downstairs and get into the car. 

what if next time we come home, i'm not pregnant anymore? i think, while saying to travis, "it's fine, i'm sure it's nothing, we are going to feel silly, everything is fine." and he asks, "is remington moving much?" and i realize i haven't felt him in a while and then i start getting a little panicked and picturing all the terrible things you pray will never happen to you and then trying not to picture them in case me picturing them makes them come true. 

travis speeds to the hospital and i'm reminded of just over ten weeks ago, him speeding us to the hospital and me comatose on the passenger side. i take comfort in the fact that this time i'm conscious and able to handle whatever is coming. 

we get to the hospital and i'm checked into the triage room, where a nurse takes my vitals and a history. she straps me up to a belt that monitors remy's heartbeat, which we are relived to hear is strong, and then she informs me that i'm having contractions. she points to the monitor, the squiggly line moving up and down, and asks if i can feel them. i tell her i feel cramping. travis asks her what could be causing the bleeding and she asks us if we have had sex in the last 48 hours. we look at each other and laugh. (because we barely remember what sex is anymore.) "uh nope." 

then the really fun parts. she starts an iv to give me fluids, tells me she's going to need to insert a catheter to take my urine sample, and that she'll need to check my cervix. the catheter. hurt. so much. so much, that having her check my cervix wasn't even a big deal. 

same old drill.

"and relax. okay this is you relaxed?" 

then a concerned look on her face. 

"your cervix is moderate, but i can't fit my finger through the back opening, so that's good." 

yeah, you know the catheter was painful if i could handle this person sticking her hand up into my cervix. good grief, why did i have to be born a woman?

(apparently your cervix needs to be nice and squishy soft to squeeze out a baby. on friday at the doctor's appointment, my cervix had been classified as very hard, so this new development was a tad alarming.) 

then the nurse starts talking about giving me a shot to help remy's lungs develop in case he is really coming. at this point travis and i are pretty freaked out. "wait, am i having a baby right now?" i asked her. she looked at my contractions on the monitor. "let's just see what we can do about getting these contractions stopped." she replied. 

she left the room with my urine sample and we waited. and waited. then came back in and gave me a shot to stop the contractions. and we waited some more. after a half hour, thankfully, the contractions had mostly stopped and they let us go home around three am. 

i know, really anticlimactic ending. 

i did almost pass out in the car coming down from the drug they gave me. 

the next morning, travis let me sleep and he called the doctor's office, to be told that my urine sample revealed dehydration, big shocker, and that could be what caused everything. yesterday i started bleeding again, so my mom and i went in, (travis was busy being a firefighter or something.) and the nurse wondered if maybe part of my plancenta has detached and is causing the bleeding, which causes irritation to the uterus, and then causes contractions. 

yeah, no one knows what's going on. the first nurse told me i probably have a kidney stone, which is causing all the irritation. then the doctor told her the blood in my urine sample was probably from the trauma of the catheter and that i don't have a kidney stone. okay guys, stop guessing in front of me and freaking me out! all i know is i finally felt well enough to start living a life and now i'm back on the couch, watching desperate housewives. not that i'm complaining, because this is way easier than laying on the couch puking and wishing for death.

oh remington, stay in there please? at least for six more weeks? 

probably he'll end up coming late. because everything about this pregnancy has to be ridiculous.  

except for the whole, travis and i being closer and more in love than ever before thing. and being so crazy about the little guy we teamed up to create.

(let's be honest, i did most of the work.) 

this whole clip is fabulous, but if you only care about relating to what i just said about how i did most of the work, skip to 3:20 and prepare to laugh. 

use protection unless you are ready to surrender your body and life!

xo.

 

27-29: victories.

life is hard, yes?

yesterday my dear friend benny came with me to iv therapy, and while we sat and waited for the two bags of fluid to drip into my arm, we talked about how life is hard. how part of life is realizing there will be more and more hard things to deal with, just as soon as you've finished dealing with the current issue.

because of this, it's pretty important to recognize the victories.
and the good things that come from dealing with the hard parts of life.

the past few weeks have been a series of victories for me. for the first time since september, i finally feel like i'm not lying through my teeth for the sake of politeness when i tell someone i'm feeling much better. big things have happened, like moving back into my own house, being able to drive my car, being able to complete daily tasks such as showering and keeping the house clean, going to the gym (!), and enjoying the highlights of life, which for me include music and photography.

okay, and to be fair and honest, all of these victories are still only possible with the help of the three nausea meds and going in for infusion. last week, i tired to hold out on the fluids and see how i would do on my own.  on the sixth day, i was extra sick, extra tired, and had a hysterical crying fit, which are the telltale signs of dehydration for me. but at least instead of every two or three days, now it's three to four. victories, people. 

victory #1: starting to eat more normally 

i'm not sure there are words to describe how wonderful it was the night i was able to eat the grilled chicken, rice, and broccoli my dad cooked for dinner. to sit at the table with the family, instead of hiding from the smells downstairs, trying to choke down something bland. and the rest of the family just as excited about it as you are, travis grinning, my dad exclaiming, "i had a feeling you might be able to eat this!", mom's glowing smile, because she understands how big a moment this is. you just never appreciate those normal things until they are taken from you for months and months.

since then, i haven't cried over food at all. no panicking when my stomach starts growling, wondering what on earth i'll be able to choke down and keep down. still avoiding spicy and rich foods, and most sweets, but that's pretty normal for pregnancy anyway, right?

good old week 27, letting me enjoy food!

being able to eat more normally meant that when travis and i were invited to go on a group date with some guys from the fire station, we were able to go! even though i was terrified to go into that restaurant, and we had to order three different dishes to make sure i could find something to eat. and then we even went to a movie! another terrifying moment, because i had been afraid of being trapped inside a theater with smells and nausea that would lead to public vomiting, not my favorite thing. the last time i had gone to a movie, i spent the whole time freaking out about how sick i felt and then puking afterwards. so sitting there, holding travis's hand, not feeling like i was going to die, was pretty nice. it was the first real date we had been on in six months.

plus we met enes kanter, a jazz player we both love. travis kept telling me to ask him for a picture and then he teased me about being star struck all night.

it was a big night for us, going out on a date like a normal couple and meeting a celebrity, who wore way too much cologne and was on a date with a very made up, giggly girl. and kanter was wearing sweats, while she wore white heels. love it.

victory #2: remembering what it's like to be a photographer and musician

you may remember my sweet nephew kohen, who was born at 29 weeks? he is home now and doing great, so of course newborn pictures were in order. i was honored to be asked to take them, and thrilled that i felt well enough to stand, hold a camera, and think creatively for a few hours. picture having the worst flu you have ever had. you don't have any desire or ability to do the things you love. it's all you can do to lay on the couch and retch. you know that feeling of relief when the flu is gone the next day or day after, and you can resume your daily life? okay, now picture the relief you would feel after months of being that sick. pretty incredible feeling.

love those adoring faces. 

another powerful victory moment, the first time playing music again.
as i've said before, music is an integral part of my life. i've been blessed to have a natural ability to sing and this is something i have always taken for granted. so you can probably imagine how scary it was when, at the end of september, i noticed my voice didn't seem to work anymore. i hadn't had any desire or ability to sit down and play music that month, because i'd been in bed and throwing up, but i noticed when i was listening to music, i couldn't sing along very well anymore. all that vomiting had left me pretty hoarse. by the time i finally got some help in december, even my speaking voice was pretty shot.

so one night, when reed suggested we play some music, i was terrified to sit down at the piano. i didn't know what would happen. would i remember how to play? would i be able to sing? was there even a part of me that could feel that kind of joy anymore? reed sat at his cajon drum and requested that i play a song we used to do before he left, a song we had perfected and loved. "okay, but let me just run through the notes, cause it's been awhile." i told him.

i ran through the notes and was pleased to find it was still there, in my brain and fingers. he had a couple of friends over, a mission buddy and his girlfriend, and they were waiting politely. finally, i said i was ready and began playing the intro to the song. i sang the first line, and then tears filled my eyes and choked my throat. i stopped playing and sat at the piano bench, crying. no one said anything. i looked at my mom, who i believe, had tears in her eyes as well. as a fellow singer, she understood why i was so emotional.

then i realized i probably looked like the crazy pregnant woman, crying over nothing. "i'm sorry, it's just been so long since i have been able to do this." i called out as i ran to the bathroom to blow my nose. i heard my mom explaining to reed's friend's that i'm not a crazy person, that i had been sick for a long time.

we finally were able to play the song all the way through.
later that night, travis told me that watching me play and sing was the best part of his day.
mine, too.

victory #3: moving back home

at 28 weeks, i decided i felt ready to move from my parents' back to our house. poor zane probably wanted his bed back, and i was tired of feeling like i had no independence. still, i was pretty scared to face the house alone the two days travis is at the fire station, because the last time i had tried living on my own, i had been too sick to take care of myself.

faced the fear, moved back home. and surprise! i was able to feed myself, (although we still eat dinner at my parents' most nights because of the smells of cooking making me nauseous.) shower every day, keep the house clean, and even, bake cookies!

the last time i tried to bake cookies was in october. wanting desperately to feel well enough to participate in the upcoming holidays, i had bought a roll of pre made halloween cookies with plans to bake them for travis. after taking them out of the oven, i was overcome with the smell and feel of the heat, and had to run to the toilet to violently puke up breakfast.

glad to report that this time, although i still wasn't able to stomach any, i didn't throw up, and the smell was actually nice!

making it to the third trimester was a great milestone. when you are so sick that every day ending is an accomplishment, making it 28 weeks was a big deal to me, something i'd been counting up to. (even though for the past few weeks, i haven't been miserable enough to need to count each day!) so here's the morning i hit 28 weeks, feeling pretty proud!

also, another cool, trivial, thing, i finally got my hair cut. a much needed trim, but it's hard to schedule something as simple as a haircut when you don't know if you'll feel up to going to the salon, making small talk, and being out of bed for that long. victory!

anyone else feel totally awkward trying to take a picture of themself?
 and end up taking a thousand to get one you like
 and then never getting one you like because you're like,
 why have i never noticed how huge my nose is??!??!
anyway, fresh cut bangs and tirm.

victory #4: back to the gym! 

week 29, the week i went back to the gym. for real this time. 

so back during week 14, i tried to go back to the gym, thought i was on the upswing. and then the next day was back to throwing up. so that didn't last. 

i've been nervous to do anything that would trigger or exacerbate the nausea, plus the fact that it was all i could do to take one lap around the grocery store without getting sick. i figured the gym would just have to wait until after remy is born. for christmas, travis bought me several water bottles to help with the hydration situation, one for around the house and one, as he said, for the gym. i sadly put that red gym water bottle up in the closet and told myself, in time, it would come. pretty great to feel well enough to get that red water bottle out, fill it up, and take it to the gym with me. 

when i got to the gym, i popped in the headphones and started to walk laps around the suspended track. the last time i had been on the track was back in august and back then the goal had been to shave time off of my sprints. this time, i was overwhelmingly thankful to be walking and cried for several laps. 

that pregnant woman, waddling slowly around the track, crying for no apparent reason, that was me. 

had one of those moments of, when did this become my life? and had a good laugh. 

just being a tool, taking a picture of myself at the gym.

i'm starting really slow, trying to build up the stamina to walk 30 minutes, and maybe eventually graduate to the elliptical. i also lifted weights, using the little five pounders instead of the twelves, but this is a huge victory.   proud to say i was able to do bi's, tri's, shoulders, and back on my upper body, and lunges, calf raises, and wall sits for the lower. being sore has never felt so sweet. i went twice this week and plan to go three or four times next week, body permitting.

victory #5: facing the idea of giving birth

as i have mentioned, pushing a baby through my vagina is a horrifying, scary, icky, painful, unimaginable idea for me.

a few months ago, i made the mistake of watching a video on my pregnancy app of a vaginal birth.
i'm ready for this. i can take it. i told myself, mistakenly.

yeah, the minute that woman's humongous, wide open, gaping monster vagina hit the screen, i was done. laying alone in my bed, i threw my phone, started screaming, and then started sobbing.
then called travis, cried to him about how i will not ever do that ever. 
then i called my mom and told her the same thing.
then travis came home, layed in bed with me, while i cried to him about how i'm never doing this again, i hate vaginas, i hate birth, i hate everything.
and then i cried about how i needed to eat something, but was too nauseated.

okay.
so now that i'm not crazy sick every second of every day, (surprise!) i'm feeling a lot stronger. physically, emotionally, mentally.
i'm starting to remember that i wanted to get pregnant, that i'm excited to be a mom, and that once upon a time, i considered an unmedicated birth. still not sure, but we are signing up for hypnobirthing, so we know all our options.

also, sweet words of encouragement from my cousin christi and friend liana and of course, my mama, have helped.

and then i received a package in the mail from my friend meghan.

in case you can't see, it says, "remington is cuter! (already!)
how could this not make my day?? 

inside this incredibly thoughtful package, i found adorable baby clothes, a pretty robe for the mama, a gift card for california pizza kitchen for travis, instructing him to take his lady out on the town, and a lovingly written letter talking about, among other things, the miracle of giving birth. she has an amazing birth story of her own. (go {here} for part 1 and {here} for part 2)

also included, this book.
which i finally feel ready to read and am starting tomorrow.

and seriously meghan, and all you other people who send mail, WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?? overwhelmed with how thoughtful you are. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

a lot of victories the past few weeks. so very thankful to be feeling better, for real.

oh, and here's a picture from a day that i actually felt pretty for the first time in a long time. 
because, ya know, there aren't enough pictures of me and my belly in this post.

the day before 29 weeks. it's important to document the good days, yes?

life is hard, for all of us, in different ways. don't forget to celebrate your victories and thank the people who help you through.

thank you for all your love and support.
xo