where sunflowers grow.

the first time we saw the house that would end up becoming our home, it had just snowed, masking the landscaping with white fluff. everything looks great when it's covered up. then the snow melted and revealed a pit of despair and mud and weeds in front of our house.

so in daybreak, the developers wanted to keep a lot of the land in its natural looking state, long grasses and wildflowers. except that they put in the long grass and took out the weeds. that is one of the things i love about the community, the unique "more than just manicured grass" look of the landscaping. i also love the location of our house. instead of homes in front of us, we have a huge field and an incredible view of the salt lake valley. unfortunately, the developers didn't finish the landscaping in the field right in front of our house. instead, there is a section filled with dirt, loose gravel, and ever growing weeds. when we first moved in, i made a lot of phone calls about this. i called the HOA committee, who directed me to the builder, who then directed me to the HOA committee. no one wants to pay for it. (although our builder did tell us that they probably will end up taking care of it after they build four more homes on the lot next to our neighbors'.)

basically, i was stuck looking out my window at a weed pit. i have cursed that spot of mud and gravel daily since moving in. and then a few weeks ago, one sunflower bloomed. and then another one. and now there is a whole fleet of them. right in front of our house.

(see the tall grass behind the weeds? that is what is supposed to be there.)

they are beautiful! seeing their yellow faces every morning brightens my day so much! i started to think about what i would have missed out on, had the builder finished the landscaping. 

and how the tough things we have to deal with in life sometimes end up leading us to the great things. 

like how i thought moving back from hawaii was the end of my life. but i ended up marrying travis. 

like how i had horrible acne that kept me from doing so many things. but it also kept me from getting close to so many guys i dated who wouldn't have been right for me in the way travis is. 

like how last year when i went back on accutane for my acne, travis and i were driving to a doctor's office i never would have needed otherwise, and we stumbled onto the daybreak community and immediately knew this was where we needed to be. 

like how if i hadn't moved back from hawaii, i never would have taken that gender studies class that helped me to start facing the sexual assault trauma i had buried away. and even though i'm not to the point yet where i can see what good came of the assault, i believe that someday i will understand it better, the way i am starting to understand other trials i have faced in my life. 

we all have struggles. we all deal with things that hurt and that seem impossible. but sunflowers will grow in the patches of weeds that seem so awful. and we will look back and feel thankful for the very things that we struggled with.

xo.

shake it out: f & the m

ok, third post today.

just wanted to share a song that has really helped me out the past few months. it was one i'd heard a while ago, but then after starting counseling, it took on a new meaning for me.  i really listened to the lyrics and they brought me to tears, and still do almost every time i hear it. one of the reasons music is so powerful is that it empathizes with us when sometimes nothing else can, and this song just hit home for me. hope it does something for you, too. 

 

strong

two posts in the span of five hours? yes, i must have a test to study for.

but.
i just got back from counseling and i am bursting with good feelings and hope.
and since that last post was a little downer, and although i think it's important to say the good and the bad, i wanted to say a few things that are positive.

i believe in God.
 not a "cold, all powerful, lighting bolt throwing, judgement pronouncing, black and white God", but in an actual being who knows me personally and cares for my every day well being.
i know in this day and age, proclaiming to believe in God can produce all kinds of feelings and negative connotations, because of so many who parade their agendas in the name of deity and actually do a great amount of harm.
i believe in a God who loves every person on this earth, regardless of what they believe, look like, or how they act. i also believe that only God knows us well enough to cast judgement on us and that when evaluating our actions, he includes mercy, empathy, and kindness toward us. this can be really hard to remember, that God is in charge of judging us, and that we are not capable of knowing what is in a person's heart. but i try to leave it to Him.

ok, so I believe in God, so what?
I am feeling really thankful to God right now.
Last week i was having a rough day. it had been two weeks since i had gone to counseling, and i knew i should probably schedule a session, but i was feeling that it was pointless. that it wouldn't change anything, and that i should just go back to avoiding, not fighting, and not trying to heal. i was feeling a lot of things and having thoughts i hadn't had in a long time. travis told me i needed to call and schedule a session, but i was avoiding it.
while i was at the library studying, my phone rang. and it was jessica, my counselor. she wanted to make sure she hadn't forgotten to book an appointment for me so she wouldn't stand me up if i came in the next day, because fridays are usually our appointment days. it worked out that she had a spot open up today.

a person could look at that small experience and chalk it up to coincidence. i mean, it wasn't like God himself called me. but i truly believe jessica was meant to be my counselor, because she is so easy to talk to and relates so well to me, and i truly believe she was meant to call me on that day, of all days, when i was so down and out.

today in counseling, i confronted things that i haven't said out loud because of how terrifying they are. but i confronted them and even though i still remember, and they are still part of me, i am stronger for facing them. i don't feel weak and incapable right now. i know that i am not alone and that God places us in each other's lives for reasons we don't always understand at first, but that help us to feel joy. i am so incredibly thankful for my life, that i am able to live here and learn things, even though at times it's painful, it's messy, and it's awful. because those things make us strong.

i am thankful for a loving God who knows me and my struggles, and who cares about them, even trivial things like getting docked five points on my orgasm paper. i am thankful for my travis. it's so scary to love someone and trust him to love all of you, but it has been so worth it. i'm thankful for family and dear friends. i'm thankful for you and for your comments of hope and believing. i talk about you in counseling and how you have really helped me to not feel so alone, so thank you.
we all really are stronger than we know. 
if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to get in touch with me.
love. xo

believe

you know those days when you don't believe in yourself? and you feel like you could never succeed? yeah i had one of those yesterday. sitting in my research methods class, a voice seemed to say to me, you're going to fail all your classes. you aren't going to graduate this may because you're going to fail your test next week. and if you even do graduate, you won't be able to find a job because no one would want to hire you. and don't even think about starting your own photography business, because you're a fake, and you don't know anything, and no one would ever trust you to take their pictures. then i started to think about how if all of that happens, i'll just be sitting home all day and then everyone will tell me to have a baby, which then led to my panicked thoughts of motherhood and how i'm not ready and probably never will be and if i did have a baby, i would ruin him/her because i'm not fit to be a mother.

all of these thoughts in the span of three minutes.
when i talked to travis later, i tentatively tried them out on him, telling him i felt stressed out and like i'm a failure. because jessica, my counselor, has been helping me understand how important it is to communicate with travis when i feel down, instead of just keeping it all inside like usual. travis, of course, was very understanding about everything. he reassured me that i'm not a failure, and that i have never failed at anything i really tried to do.
then he told me that i don't even have to work.
"well what am i supposed to do all day long?" i asked.
"there are quite a few seasons of desperate housewives you could re-watch." he replied.

although that sounds really enticing, i woke up this morning and decided to act. i'm afraid to say this out loud, because someone may laugh and i just care way too much about what everyone thinks of me.
i want to be a photographer.
not like a national geographics photographer who becomes famous, or someone who shoots for the new york times, or anything like that, but someone who takes pictures of families, weddings, and babies.
i have had several people caution me that it's harder than i think, which everything usually is, and that i shouldn't do it just because everyone else is doing it. well, it turns out when i have a camera in my hands, i'm pretty happy. it's like that feeling i get when i play music, like i can't get enough of it. i dream about my camera, i take it everywhere with me, it sleeps next to my bed.
this is getting a little creepy... 
and i'm not looking for compliments here, although no one ever wishes not to have compliments, but what i'm trying to say is that i'm going to try for this dream. a lot of times in the past when i really wanted something, but was afraid of failure or that people would criticize me, or that i wouldn't be the best, i would just quit. not even try. but i want this to be different. i want to believe in myself. why is it so easy for us to believe we can't succeed?

so while i should have been in my weight lifting class, i created this blog. it's not perfect, and there is hardly anything on it, but it's a start. 

so if you know of anyone who wants their picture taken for cheap (or you readers want pictures for free because i love people who follow my blog) please direct them to my photography blog.

this saturday i am meeting with a girl who wants me to do her wedding.
i'm terrified!
but excited.
so anyway, believe in your dreams, even though it's scary.
i was talking to some friends last week and one of them is an aspiring musician. he is really, really talented. but when people ask him what he's doing with his life, he's embarrassed to say, "i'm in a band and i play music." he is afraid they will judge him and think, who are you to be successful at what you love. i told him he should own it, and not be afraid, to have some confidence. later, a wise friend told me that i should follow my own advice.  it's always easier to believe in other people, rather than yourself.

but this is a start. thanks for all your love. xo

love notes and gap teeth

travis is in wyoming for the week, installing cabinets with his uncle for some dollar bills. he was pretty sad the night before he left, being extra clingy and refusing to be in separate rooms. we aren't one of those couples who refuse to pee in front of each other. they're just bodies right? 

also, he doesn't ever want me to post the dates of when he's gone because he says it's not safe... uhhh how is that supposed to make me feel?? like i have to be on guard for a break in and attack the entire time he's gone if i post that he's gone because someone will take advantage of him being gone?? breathe.
i guess in his line of work, this paranoia is to be expected.

when i got up yesterday morning, he had left this note for me.

pretty darling. i hate spending money. like i had been wearing the same pair of contacts for two months because i didn't want to shell out 50 bucks (for 6 months worth... i'm not wearing supersonic contacts or anything...). also, i have been dying to dye my hair (punny right?) forever but feel guilty spending money on something so frivolous. travis is all about spoiling me, even though we don't have gobs of cash laying around. also, he is always telling me how proud of me he is, for being in school and working so hard. ah travis, my blog is turning into your shrine...

in other news, i have a huge test today for my sensation and perception class. it's the first test of the semester, so there's all that anxiety about the unknown. will he be a tough grader? will his questions be tricky? i have been studying my brains out, so we'll see.

oh and something else, something funny. this is what i looked like when i was ten years old. my mom dragged this beauty out of the archives last saturday.

pretty attractive amirite? oh i hated how i looked!! i still feel a little embarrassed looking at this picture, and i can vividly remember my some of my classmates being pretty awful about it. like the time i found a book one of the more popular girls made under a desk. kinda reminiscent of the burn book from mean girls. my name was in it, next to the words ugliest girl in the class. seriously, can we teach our children to be nice to each other?? grade school kids can be pretty cruel yes? i'm sure we all have a story like this repressed somewhere in our brains. well, after my initial glance at this picture feeling pretty ashamed and embarrassed, i remembered my new mantra of self love. and i decided to give her the chance she wished her peers would have. i love that gap toothed, coke bottle glasses, terrible haircut ten year old. i hope you love yours, too.

so the sex post is coming. i have two tests, a quiz, and a paper due on top of lectures and textbook readings. so this week is a little nuts. but you know how it gets when travis is gone... me up until 2am blogging about how much i miss the ocean... can you imagine if i was a drinker?? just be grateful you'll never have to know how sappy i could get.

oh and another thing. if you need something great to listen to, check this out. and everything else they do. they do solo stuff and collaborative as well.  they are one of those amazing powercouples who play music together. (thanks benny shell for introducing me.)

have a wonderful self loving tuesday. xo

the luckiest

last night i heard a song i hadn't heard in years. and it just hit me so hard. you know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time and it makes you remember the last time you heard it?
the last time i heard that song, i was in a sad place. i just knew i would always be alone, that i would never find someone who would make me understand this song from a lover's point of view. i wanted to be the luckiest and feared i never would. i can remembering listening to this song on repeat late at night, over and over and over, and sobbing. i was missing alex, who was on his mission, and feeling convinced that i would never find real love.

i heard it last night in travis's sister's car. travis and i were sitting in the backseat together. it was dark, and the music was loud. all those emotions i felt the last time i heard it came flooding back, but they were accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of safety, gratitude, and love for travis. for such a long time i was convinced i would always be alone and never find someone who can handle my crazy, my stubbornness, my flaws, fears, self criticizing doubts, just everything. sometimes it hits me and almost literally takes my breath away, he loves me. 

then the song came to the last verse, about the old man who dies and then the wife goes too, and i lost it. sitting in the backseat of the car, and even now as i listen to it while writing this, i cry. i think about my grandpa who is sick with cancer and his wife being all alone if he dies, wandering around their big, empty house. i think about travis and i growing old, and how terrifying it is to love someone and take that risk, the risk of losing. i think about how our life together has just begun, how young we are, and how far we have left to travel together.

if you are currently alone and afraid, i know how awful that is. i know what it is to feel alone in a crowded, dirty, apartment. you watch everyone else find love and you feel left behind. it won't always be that way for you. maybe in a few years you will hear this song again and cry just as i did, in thankfulness.

 i'm so grateful for my life and that i have a person who shares it with me. when i remember just a few months ago, when i was so low, and compare it to now, it's just amazing.

a few weeks ago, i was treated unfairly by a family member. i was complaining to travis how unfair it was and he made an excuse for that family member, a valid, solid excuse. but that morning, i had gone to counseling and relived a particularly painful memory. i described to my counselor the first time he had assaulted me and how i can't remember exactly what happened, but that i can so clearly remember walking home from his house. even now, it's hard to say this. i remember walking home alone, in the early spring weather. it was about four thirty in the afternoon. i stood looking at my house from across the street, thinking my mom would wonder where i had been, that she would be preparing dinner soon, and that i had a soccer game later that night. i vividly remember thinking to myself, well, what happened, happened, and i'm done thinking about it. and then walking into my front door, like i had always done, except that i wasn't the same person anymore.

since then, anytime i have remembered that 14 year old girl, i have felt contempt, shame, guilt, anger at her for being so stupid, and self hatred. in counseling as i described this memory, i felt those things. i felt that my counselor probably also thought those things about that girl who let a boy use her and didn't stand up for herself. even though i can remember fighting back. for so long i felt i hadn't fought hard enough. and now, i'm a person who stands up for herself, so it's difficult to remember being a person who didn't have a voice. for so long, i have hated that 14 year old girl.

my counselor has been sending me home with reading materials about different ways to think about trauma, how you can approach those terrible thoughts with curiosity, acceptance, and patience, instead of shame, fear, and anger. and as i listened to travis make those valid excuses for the family member who hurt my feelings, i thought, no one ever made those excuses for me. i never made those kinds of excuses for me. all i ever did was hate that helpless girl. i never looked at her and said, "it's ok. you didn't know how to handle it. how could you have ever known what to do? it wasn't your fault and you are part of who i am and i love you."

and then something incredible happened.  i wept for her, that helpless, scared, junior high girl who didn't understand how a boy could take something without asking. that girl who just wanted to be liked, to be thought pretty. it wasn't her fault. it wasn't my fault. 


i grabbed onto travis and just wept into his shoulder. he knew why i was crying and he let me cling to him, something i had never done before, preferring to either hold it in or battle it out in private where no one could see my weakness. it's terrifying to let someone in, to let someone see you at your lowest. i truly am the luckiest. 

i don't hate her anymore. i am learning to look at her with sympathy and kindness, instead of cold indifference. it's the start of something. and i am so thankful for that.

thank you

the past few days i have been overwhelmed with your responses to my last post. each of your responses brought me to tears. thank you for the emails and for sharing your own stories. i can't tell you what it means to me to have support like this!

i wanted to share my story to possibly help someone else, but all of you have ended up touching my heart. so thank you, thank you. i look up to each of you so much!

it's easy to forget that we are all in this together, that we all want basically the same things and that we all have similar struggles. it's incredible to see the results of someone reaching out to another person. thank you for renewing my hope and proving that i'm not alone in this.

xo