asking for help, aka getting uncomfortably personal and begging you to solve all my problems

it is too easy to become bogged down with doubts, anxiety, and worry.
why is it that when we accomplish something, our elation at success lasts such a brief moment?
was it only three weeks ago that we moved into our house and i felt that life could never get better? how does a person hold on to that joy, rather than becoming consumed with new worries and problems?

it's just been a rough week.

i really, really appreciate all your comments about bravery, because brave was the last thing i felt this week.
things are about to get pretty personal up in here.

it seemed like every single thing that could have happened to trigger my PTSD, happened in the last week. good timing too, since i have been taking a break from counseling to see how i do on my own. yeah, not doin' so hot. i want my training wheels back.

i guess it started about a month ago. but i'll back up even further than that. so the guy who assaulted me, i drive by his house to get to my parents'. he still lives there. he is unemployed, addicted to hard drugs, and not doing anything with his life. so a few months into counseling, i did something that was unprecedented. usually, i would drive by his house and pointedly not look, because i didn't want to relive those memories. this time i drove by, without thinking about it, i raised my hand to his house and flipped him off. and then started laughing uncontrollably. and then cried. and since then, every time i drive by, i flip him the bird. and sometimes add some yelling for good measure, like "screw you!" at the top of my lungs. immature? maybe. but it's the only way i have found to confront him and it makes me feel a little stronger. that small gesture is the most i have ever stood up for myself to him.

ok, so a month ago, i drove by, prepared to do my flip off, and noticed that he had just pulled in the driveway. and the panic hit in the pit of my stomach like it always does. part of me wanted to roll down my window and scream and part of me wanted to hide in a dark hole forever and ever. after that happened, it seemed like everything else just piled up on top. seeing a guy i used to date right after everything terrible happened, seeing that guy who is married with a baby on the way, seeing his eyes land on my chest the way they always used to, like that was the only thing i had that he wanted. because i believed my body was the only valuable part of me for so long.

something that seems the most unfair to me is the way sex can be a trigger. i hate that this beautiful, wonderful thing i have with travis can sometimes lead to horrible memories i locked away. shame, guilt, nausea, so many feelings i don't want to feel when we are together in that way. and they have nothing to do with travis, nothing to do with our love. then i try to hide those feelings from him, but he knows me too well. i end up lying, telling him i'm fine, and then locking myself in the bathroom to deal with my panic attacks alone. i don't think my problems should be his problems, which he completely disagrees with.  he comes looking for me and is so hurt to find me hiding. this doesn't happen every time. but it happened this week and i hate hurting him and i hate that sex can do this to me.

of course, travis is so patient and sweet with me. when i lose control and he sees, i'm terrified that he will leave me. because in that moment, i want to leave myself. of course he never leaves. of course he holds my hand and helps me through it. i feel comfortable enough to cry, to be vulnerable, and i couldn't have that without his support. but then i feel guilty for putting that on his shoulders. like, doesn't he deserve someone stronger, without so much baggage?

told you this was going to be personal. i'm laughing and crying and slightly appalled at how personal this is.

also, have any of you had a really difficult time graduating from college? last night in the car, pandora played a slew of songs that i was obsessed with at different points of my college experience and i ended up bawling my eyes out. travis was pretty confused and i didn't express my feelings very well. as i have said before, college taught me so much about myself and i am so depressed to see it ending. it just seems like the end of my youth (stupid, i know) and the beginning of being an adult. and i hate all those adult options!! full time job or start popping out babies. i just feel trapped. travis asked me, "well what do you want to do with your life?"  without missing a beat, i responded with, "go to the beach. (duh!)"

which, now that i think about it, was the same thing i told everyone i was going to do after high school.

gah! just having a rough time of it. can't believe only three weeks ago we moved in here and i thought life would never be hard again. #facepalm

yesterday, i got online to start the job hunt and found nothing. so then i called my doctor's office to schedule getting the IUD out. because obviously to avoid getting a job i have to get pregnant. and then luckily the doctor's office was already closed because having a baby to avoid the failure of not getting a job after spending all that money on college is obviously a bad idea. and then i think, switch it around- if you get a great job, you'll have an excuse to not have a baby because of how great the job is. plus think how rich you'll be.

... what the h?? 

how do i do this? how do i grow up and why is it always so hard? am i just looking at everything from a negative point of view? will i ever want to be a mother? why am i so scared of having a baby? why do i just want to hide under my covers all day?

someone just tell me what to do, kthanks.

xo

rape 101

i'm at the library, trying to revise a final paper, but waiting on feedback from my professor. i just attended my last sensation and perception class, and i didn't even fall asleep. not like last week, when my professor chucked a paper clip at me and rudely ended my 45 minute nap. plus my mouth was open, so it was a major choking hazard. definitely gonna put that on his teacher evaluation.

things have been insanely busy. between gearing up for finals, writing my orgasm paper, being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding, throwing travis a surprise birthday party, photo shoots, getting ready to graduate and taking care of all those annoying details like announcements and planning, i have not had much time to write.

and i need to find a job asap. um. how does an adult find a job? when i used to hunt for summer jobs to save for college, i would just put on a professional looking outfit and walk through department stores asking if they were hiring. i feel like it's not okay to go to psych wings in hospitals and do the same. or where ever else i could work. where am i going to work? will someone please just make this decision for me? isn't the whole point of college to prepare you for the occupation you have chosen? how is it that i'm graduating and still have no idea what to be?

deep breaths.

so sometime when i'm home and have my camera handy, i'll do the whole "pictures of my house, the surprise party, the cute wreath i made, my flower garden, friend's wedding" post.  but right now i want to talk about a conversation i had with a dear friend a few months ago. and it's about rape, so if that brings up any scary feelings or memories for you, read at your own discretion.

i've been wanting to say all this for a while but it's just so much easier to post cute pictures of my house and talk about the "fun" parts of life. i have a family member who gets upset when i talk about things like rape or abuse, and asks me why i focus on such depressing issues. why can't we just talk about something else. well i'll tell you, it would be so much easier to just talk about the good stuff, but if we don't talk about the scary things, how are we ever going to fix them? as much as i wish it would, ignoring something does not make it go away.

so my friend and i were talking about her first experience with sex. she was young and the boy was cold about it. he would tell her that she didn't need to love a person to have sex with him and that he didn't love her, that her personality just didn't work for him. she was young, insecure, and afraid. all along, she had believed it was consensual and she had been so ashamed of herself for it. they had dated on and off, but he never wanted to commit to being her boyfriend. and every time she went back to him, she felt more ashamed. this was the story she had always told me.

the night we talked about this, she told me how she had been reading a textbook definition of rape. reading that definition, she began to think about her own first experience with sex. how she had said no, multiple times, or that he was hurting her, and that he hadn't stopped. she had thought that because she wasn't screaming, or fighting, or calling for help or in a dark alley with a stranger, that sex had been consensual. she read the definition and realized the truth of what had happened to her.

she is an adult. a college student. a well educated person. the public school system never taught her about rape or how to protect herself. (and i'm opening up a whole other can of worms here with that.)

i thought about my own experience. how i blamed myself for everything and lied to my parents about what had happened because i was afraid of what he would do if he knew i had told. so i knew that something had happened that wasn't supposed to happen, but i thought it was my fault. then when i started tenth grade, a rape crisis counselor came to our health class and talked about sexual assault. that if you were afraid, or said no, or were afraid to say no, or were coerced, or held against your will, etc, etc, etc, that what happened wasn't consensual. i thought that rape meant a woman wearing a short skirt walking down a dark alley late at night.

then last year, i had an experience at the fire station that blew me away. before i say this, i want you to know that travis works with amazing men. they are so willing to help and so willing to risk their lives for others. but this conversation was alarming and can't be excused.

one night i visited travis at work. we were sitting around talking with all the guys. they asked me how school was going, what classes i was taking, etc. i started talking to them about my gender studies class and our discussion on rape that day. it was a spark igniting a bomb. all of a sudden, everyone was talking all at once, talking about girls who tease men, about kobe bryant and how unfair it is that women have so much power to ruin a good man's name. these men were instantly angry. i was confused. "so wait. if you're with a woman and she is flirting with you and the idea of having sex with you, and then she changes her mind, you would still go for it?" i asked.
"if she's going to be a tease, she needs to see it through!" the men agreed.
"okay, but if you're about to have sex and she changes her mind for any reason, you wouldn't respect that?" i asked, specifically.
"she can't just expect me to stop if she is going to be a tease!" they answered.

i was floored. floored. grown men who i trusted and admired. grown men telling me how wrong it is for a woman to lead on a guy, get him all hot and bothered, and then say no. that they wouldn't accept no for an answer.

then the captain appeared in the doorway.
"i'll tell you what." he said in a low voice. "if some guy was with my daughter and didn't respect her saying no, i would f*** that guy up."

then the men looked at their feet and agreed.

it took a man, their captain, saying what i had been saying to them for twenty minutes, to get their attention.

teach your children about sexual assault. teach your parents. teach your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, aunts, uncles, niece, nephews, everyone.

these are facts.

if a woman chooses to wear revealing attire and go out late at night, she is not asking for it. 
the person doesn't have to be a stranger for it to be sexual assault, rape, or molestation.
if you are uncomfortable, say no, are afraid to say no, or are being threatened in any way- words or weapons, it is not consensual.
just because you weren't screaming for help, doesn't mean you consented.
it is not the survivor's fault. i'll say it again, louder.
it is not the survivor's fault. 

it doesn't matter where you were, what you were wearing, if you were flirting, what time of night it was, if you were walking home alone, etc. it was not your fault; the blame lies with the perpetrator. 

get educated and get the people around you educated. read this: {here} to get started.
it's almost impossible that someone in your life hasn't gone through this.
let's teach each other the truth so that we don't have to find out what really happened to us from a textbook.

as always, email me if you have experience with sexual assault and need someone to talk to.
collette.charles7@gmail.com

xo

searching for home: part 1

our house. is a mess.

and we haven't even packed our bedrooms yet.
it is AWESOME!

this is what it sounds like when we pack:
travis, taking down the kitchen table, says, "wow, i remember putting this table up with nate and us eating eating our first meal in this house." pause. "and you were so mad at me."
i laugh, "yeah i was! and you were so scared of me!"

travis and nate, eating the first meal in our house

we laugh now, but when we were first married, it was a pretty tough adjustment. sex was painful and scary, which made travis feel guilty and withdraw, making me wonder why travis was acting so different, leading to me getting really defensive and angry, leading travis to think i regretted marrying him.... etc.

then there was the house. it's a long story, but the reasons we bought this house weren't really great reasons. we were trying to find something in a certain amount of time so we could get that $8,000 tax credit. (that we didn't end up getting, but ended up being a huge blessing because if we had gotten it, we would have had to pay it back before selling our house.)  we didn't really know anything about buying a house. i'll just leave it at that. but the house was a disaster. filthy, crawling with spiders, covered in construction mess. etc.

then came the adjustment of living alone 2-3 days a week while travis went to work. i really resented his job for a while- and i know, i should have been thankful he had such a great job, but i wasn't.

then there was the fact that we were living in the neighborhood he grew up in. a great neighborhood, but i just never felt like it was mine. it was like i was visiting his, you know?

sorry, this is becoming a list of negative things. but to understand why i'm so thankful we are moving, you have to know the reasons it was really hard living in this house. every room in our house is full of memories of sadness. the other day my mom was over, helping me when i hurt my back. she was sitting in our t.v. room, saying how nice it looked. i told her what i though about every time i see that room, our first night spent in the house.

 our first night back from our honeymoon. we had barely spoken to each other on the plane ride home. my parents picked us up from the airport with a cute sign, "welcome home bodtchers!" i saw the name "bodtcher" and panicked, because i didn't understand how travis and i had had such a good thing before getting married and now all the sudden we weren't speaking. and now i was supposed to just be a bodtcher? when my parents asked us how our trip was, both of us were probably thinking the same thing: i feel like a failure because sex is impossible, and i think my spouse hates my guts. and i can't believe i have a spouse. when we walked into our house, it was a mess, the floor covered in brown paper to protect it from all the sanding and mudding we would have to do. florescent lights cast shadows on the dingy walls. my dad looked at us, perhaps reading the panic in our eyes, and said, "this place is going to be great, you know. once you get it all painted and decorated and remodeled." i wasn't sure i believed him.

then my parents left us alone. our first night in our house. a bed was set up in the only room that didn't have paper covering the floor. it wasn't our bedspread, just someone's extra we were borrowing. there was an ikea catalog someone had left us. i got into bed and started leafing through it, trying to start conversation with travis about decorating our house. he disagreed with every suggestion i made, probably feeling stressed out about money just looking at how expensive everything was. we had a fight, then turned to face opposite walls, and i fell asleep with tears on my cheeks, wondering what had happened to us.

that is what i think of every time i see that t.v. room.

there are so many other memories similar to that one. our first year of marriage was hard. between all the normal newly married adjusting, remodeling our house, travis's job, paying for my schooling, travis's mentor committing suicide, my PTSD and sex being so scary, fighting about our families- "make your family stop telling me to have a baby"- travis's damn dog roxy and her nine puppies, travis having to live paycheck to paycheck for the first time in his life...  we both agree that it's a miracle we came out of that and stayed married. but we did. we stuck it out, started figuring it out,  and we are so happy now.

travis started talking to me about wanting to move last january. neither of us have ever felt at home in our house. i have always had a weird way of thinking about inanimate objects as alive, (like when i used to put band-aids on the kitchen table because it had an owie...) and i have just always felt that our house didn't really want us there. maybe it was sick of all the disagreements and anger. i know, it sounds crazy. but it was never home.

so when we say we are excited to move, it's more than just being excited for a new house with a dishwasher and more space. although those things will be a huge upgrade from what we have now, we are so excited for a fresh start in a place that feels like home. and i'll always be thankful for the lessons we learned in our red brick house, as painful as they were. because through all of the fights and doubt, i always knew travis was the one. that even though we were making each other miserable, we could be great together. we could be happy. i thought i knew that when we were dating and happy. but if you're completely miserable with a person, and still want to be with that person, that is when you really know.

i'm so thankful for travis and for that first awful year of marriage we struggled through.
probably more thankful it's over and things are good now.

guys, it's really happening! we are moving!

and if you need to talk about how hard marriage can be, feel free to email me. i won't judge you. :)

happy weekend! -xo
 

the pro sex

sometimes i look at travis and at my life and think that there must be some kind of catch.
i was whining to my mom the other day about the spiders in the basement.
"spiders are the worst part of my whole life."

i thought about that some more later, realizing how true it is.
if spiders are the hardest part of my life, i must have it pretty good, yeah?

so recap of life lately.

i didn't start massage school. ha there's always the U of U in jan...

we have been living in our house for like a month now. travis is home for four days and gone to the fire department for two. the nights alone have been a little lonely and ill admit i am a little scared of all the new house noises, but im hoping to get used to it. and getting to spend four full days and night with trav is pretty great.

travis and i have been getting to know our ward. (we are members of the LDS church and the group we meet with every week is called a ward.) we are some of the youngest there. no really, a good chunk of the people are in their late 90s. like every week another funeral is announced over the pulpit. if they keep dying off ill never get to know them. (sorry but it's true)

oh so travis and i were asked to teach the 13 and 14 year old sunday school class. preeeeetttty excited about that :) oh and so excited for the lesson on morality coming up soon. not that i have any problems talking about sex, ill just have to figure out a way to talk to 13 and 14 year olds about not having sex. im pretty pro sex these days, so we will see how that goes.

as always im fighting the battle of getting in shape and trying to get down to a size anorexia. :)

pretty much im not working and im not in school. i do teach piano lessons. i do cook huge delicious meals. i do clean house. i do entertain and hang out with my husband. i do read books and am writing music. i do hang curtains with my mom and paint things to hang on the blank walls of the house. i do not have any babies or plans of babies. im pretty much useless :)

travis and i are learning the art of sharing. sharing a full sized bed, sharing dessert, sharing ideas, sharing a church calling, sharing disagreements, sharing love.

life is great. well except for the spiders. :) but seriously if you know of any good spray or anything let me know?

much love :)