Saturday, May 28, 2011

for sale, doodles, and loving the one you're with

last friday night neither of us felt like cooking, so we headed out to the pie to ingest a month's worth of carbs and fat. mmmmm.

side note: the first day i start my period, i am allowed to eat whatever i please, guilt free. a few days ago when i was eating a kit kat at my parents' house, my mom looked at me, surprised, because i don't usually eat that kind of junk at night, and travis, without looking up from his game of angry birds, said to her, "it's period day. she can eat whatever she wants." seriously, the man is a dream.

anyway, the period was still giving me an excuse to eat anything, so travis and i ordered a cheesy, meat loaded pizza. as we were sitting there, wolfing down goodness, we said:

c: this is taking years off of my life!
t: laughs, i know right!
c: so we have to eat the same amount of slices then!
t: wait! what slice are you on? stop!
c: you're on 4 and i'm on 2! you stop!
t: well i want to die first anyway.

like ten minutes later:

t: wait! how many have you had! stop!

and i really hoped someone at another table heard him and thought he was an overbearing, abusive husband fueling my eating disorder.

we just have a really good time all the time.

in other news, our house is officially on the market! (second one down) yesterday my uncle, our realtor, called me with news that three people had inquired about our house yesterday morning. oh and they wanted to come over in 2 hours! i ran around cleaning showers and hiding laundry piles. they were early, naturally, so i watched this cute little family with three kids walking though our home. it was a little strange, seeing this family walking through our house and thinking they could live here instead of us. i'm never very good at settling down anywhere. i always have this itch to be going somewhere else, learning something else, etc. so i'm very excited for our new adventure to get going.

i saved the best for last. obviously if you're my facebook friend, you know we bought a goldendoodle last week. travis had been looking at them online for months and there was a litter in sandy, so we went to look, just for fun. turned out travis fell in love with the breed and i fell in love with one of the puppies. they were extremely cheap and we talked them down even cheaper, so we decided to buy one! we named him charlie, (thank you brittany bezzant, hollar!) and he is great. :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

more from the redbrick house

we have decided to sell our house and move to daybreak,
so we've been working hard to finish everything.
and i found a rug for the front room :)

remember all the time i spent in the yard planting?
everything is starting to bloom!

no more giant, prickly bushes! no more random flower beds! (covered them in sod)

new windows and finished molding.

i bought frames from the DI for cheap and then used pictures
from my textbooks, magazines, paintings, and photos of our family to fill them.
cheapest craft ever.

another shot of the new windows. and some excellent fake flowers.

bah! i love this door so much!

i have had so much fun decorating this house,
but i never ever want to live in a fixer upper again.
there's always a mess to clean.
that being said, i really appreciate all the family
who spent hours helping us refinish floors, hang doors,
put up crown molding and base, paint, sheetrock,
tile, re-roof, and everything else.

if you know of someone who wants to
live in murray in a beautifully updated home,
please let me know. :)

sphincter upset

i want to start this off by saying something truly personal.

i have always been blessed with regularity, the kind that you flush. i'll just come out and say it: i am lucky enough to poop several times a day, never have constipation or intestinal cramping. i rarely get sick, and probably only suffer from diarrhea twice a year. that being said, yesterday as i stood in my kitchen, gulping down 8 ounces of miralax, because i hadn't had a bowel movement in three and a half days, i stood back and thought, "when did this become my life?"

let me back up a few days.

last friday, i was lucky enough to go to the women part's doctor (as it's named in my phone) to have an IUD put in. or rather, shoved in. as aforementioned, i had a pretty bad experience my first time to the gynecologist when i passed out and fell off of the exam table. so, needless to say, i was entirely freaked out. my dear mom took me, because travis was working, and she did her best to keep me calm, but really, nothing can soothe a girl whose legs are in the stirrups and a strange (but extremely handsome, but then i love prematurely grey hair) older man staring at her hoo-ha.

when i'm nervous, i talk a lot and it's not always appropriate. so about the time dr. barton began to "feel me up" i had to ask, "how's my vagina?" dr. barton glanced up and replied, "oh, it looks very good, very healthy." my reply. "oh good, that's what every girl loves to hear!"

and so it began.

for those of you who haven't experienced an IUD, let me just say that it hurt. worse than anything else has ever hurt in my life. stabbing pain of my uterus being literally ripped. and there was blood and the doctor didn't want to go through with it because of how loud i was yelling. but there was no way i wasn't finishing after feeling all that pain, so he quickly shoved the thing up there, through my cervix and into my little, unstretched by pregnancy uterus. afterwards, i got sick, puked a ton, almost passed out a few times, and then had some very intense cramping. my sweet mom ran to the pharmacy to get me lortab, and that helped a lot.

the doctor had gotten to know me pretty well by then and said the best thing to comfort me. he came in to check on me after, and said, "it could be worse. at least you're not pregnant." i wanted to kiss him!

so apparently, my body really loves lortab. i had never had any drugs like that before, but once it kicked in, i was feeling gooooood. we went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and cousins and i was a little more inappropriate than usual, at one point yelling, "that dress really makes your boobs look so perky and luscious!" the woman working at the shop didn't really know how to handle it. my cousin also had strep throat, and they were trying to keep it on the DL, but i loudly asked her how she was feeling and mentioned that she had strep at least 4 times.

anyway, back to the miralax. so after all the trauma and pain, and then the intense cramping that followed me home, i was reluctant to, shall we say, push in any way down there. so i didn't poop for a day. then two. then by day three, i was freaking out. hence the miralax.

plus i got a terrible cold. pretty much my body is railing against me for the foreign device now living inside my (according to the doctor) textbook uterus. but i am proud to announce that an hour ago, i had a bowel movement, did the deed, dropped the duce, or travis's personal favorite, "took the cosbys to the pool."

anyway, the pain is a lot better and travis has taken excellent care of me. plus he gave me a cat for mother's day and decided he wanted one of his own, too. oh and, one last thing. the doctor told me i had the strongest pelvic floor muscles he had ever seen. i've been bursting with pride that the pilates and yoga have actually worked. :)

hope your sphincters and rectums are all in good health!

Monday, May 2, 2011

the dog un-whisperer

i'm supposed to be doing research for my last final due this thursday. instead i'm doing this, guiltily, so i'll try to keep it short.

basically this afternoon i felt like getting outside and doing some yard work. the rosebushes in the back had grown like 8 feet tall so i took the clippers to them. an hour later i had blood dripping down my legs and had killed 2 spiders, but the bushes are considerably smaller. i was looking around admiring my mad gardening skills, when i noticed travis's dog, roxy, looking forlornly at me from her pen in the back. please let me out she seemed to beg.

in case you don't know, roxy and i have a terrible relationship. i have cursed, hit, abused and hated on her just as much as she has been a huge sock eating, puking, pooping, babypuppy abusing shit to me. but because she is travis's dog, i have tried my best to make friends. and she looked so sad sitting there and the weather is so nice out, i thought, i'll put her on her leash and let her out for a bit.

something else you should know about roxy. when travis is around, she's an angel. when travis is gone, she runs away and i have to chase her. in the past, this has allowed the neighbors to see me at my finest, classiest moments, like when i run down the street in my sweats and scream curse words and also for my bishop to witness me choking her and beating her while yelling at him, "i hope this dog gets hit by a car!" and if you're thinking, oh sad, collette beats animals and is pretty much the cruelest person ever, let me just say that i love animals, but roxy, she is not of this earth.

so today, i had somehow forgotten all roxy put me through last winter and though i'd let her out. i prepared her leash and tied it to the tree in advance, i had figured out her chain collar, now all i had to do was get it around her neck before she ran away from me. it started well; i got the chain on her and was trying to tie her up, when she started jumping and the chain was slipping off her neck. i was sitting on her and she started panicking, probably thinking i was trying to hurt her, and she got really aggressive with me, i freaked out and she slipped out of her chain and was gone.

oh great.

so i started chasing her down the street, where she was running circles around an ancient man doing yardwork. she stopped to take a HUGE green dump in the neighbor's yard, but was off again. i'm not as fast as she is, so i was hoping to corner her somewhere. instead, she veered right into another neighbor's, (and conveniently enough, ex boyfriend of mine) driveway. i heard the sounds of dogs fighting and then a woman screaming. i upped my pace to a sprint and found that roxy had run straight into their kitchen. (apparently their front door was open.) roxy was fighting/playing with their dog and the screams were coming from the pregnant wife, and who could blame her. roxy saw me coming and tried to escape capture by running for the stairs. at this point, i was done playing games. i took a running start, and then a magnificent leap through the air, landing right on top of her back and straddling her.

this was the tackle of all tackles. if i were a pro linebacker, this would have been replayed on espn repeatedly. i would have won an award. you get the idea.

i turn around to see my old flame and his pregnant wife staring at me and was brought back to the embarrassment of reality. roxy and i did the walk of shame home while i considered turning her into this.

the worst part of the whole thing: i almost didn't go after roxy and really considered telling travis she was abducted, while hoping she would get hit by a car. does rat poison work on dogs too? ...

go ahead, call peta on me.

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