Tuesday, July 12, 2011

dear marriage,

you have been very enlightening this past 11 1/2 months. i've enjoyed much of you and i've adjusted to much of you. but really, it would be lovely if you would allow me to see my husband a bit more. i know, i know, it's not really your fault... but then, it seems we saw each other a whole lot more when we were just dating. and i know, we weren't paying for anything really and now we have a whole host of grown up bills, but i really miss this man i call my "life partner."

you see, travis is working 97 hours this week and this isn't the first time. turns out growing up is a little lonely sometimes.

the other day, a song came on the radio and it was a song i first heard in hawaii. i thought wistfully of days being crammed in the evans' bimmer, smashed next to people i loved, not a care in the world except hoping the weather would be sunny that day. but that's not true, because i had stresses and worries then, just different ones. seems like before i got married i worried a lot about boys- who liked me, who would ask me out, who i was going to end up with. i worried about my looks, my weight, my skin, roommates, etc. i'm sure in a few years i'll look back at myself in this stage of life and think my worries were trivial.

i remember before i was married or thinking about marriage, i felt like it was so far away. it was something "those" people did and "they" were a different sort of people than me. i felt like they didn't need my friendship anymore and that they were just living happily ever after. turns out people still need support after they are married. marriage isn't a cure-all.

sometimes i wish i could line up all the "me's" from different stages in my life and let them have a pow wow. the little kid me would probably tell the now me to calm down and make more time for reading good books. i would tell the 15 year old me to hang in there, that people get nicer later in life. i doubt that the now me would listen to the sage and wise 50 year old me saying, "don't worry so much about keeping your house clean or your face made up. just enjoy the fact that you have so much energy."

this thing we go through, this life thing, it's not always roses and daisies. sometimes when i read, or rather, stalk, other blogs, it sounds like everyone else's life and marriage are so perfect. oh so no one else has petty fights with their husbands about household chores? no one else ever thinks rude thoughts about their spouse? apparently i'm the only one who ever hurts her husband's feelings? i'm not buying that. maybe we should all sit down together and be honest about the things that make us angry, blue, or lonely, instead of reading each other's blogs about how wonderful life is.

and there's the part of my brain telling me to stop being so ungrateful. because there really are wonderful things in my life. i have a loving family, supportive friends, the opportunity to get my education, a freaking goldendoodle! not to mention the most amazing part of my life- travis randy bodtcher. :) after working 15 hours yesterday and all day today, when i visited him at the station he rubbed my back. (don't worry; i rubbed his too. i'm a pretty decent wife like that.) i'm stressed out about money and he's like, don't worry, i'll take care of it.

i guess i just want anyone who reads this blog to know that adjusting to marriage is pretty hard. but when it's good, it's good. and us married people, we're a lot like single people- we just have more sex. (no really, the numbers don't lie; i learned that in my psychology of love class.)

basically, i love my husband, new phases of life take adjustment, we always want what we used to have, and i'm thankful to have this life to figure it all out.

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