bad and also poor grammar

in honor of social media "ruining" our youth's writing skills, "those damn teenagers and their electronics!" this post will be written in mostly fragmented sentences that are cool to use when on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tumblr. and other such forms of media. maybe it will save you time not to have to read full sentences. i'm doin' this for you.

this is dedicated to the older woman in church last year who proclaimed that any person who uses headphones to listen to music, was only using headphones because their choice of music was vulgar and needed hiding via headphones.

also dedicated to the time my grandpa griped about my generation and our need to be plugged in, and then promptly picked up his new ipad and showed me how cool it was.

so these are my fragmented life updates. here goes.

• that time you watch so many episodes of desperate housewives, that you begin to reference the characters as if they are your best friends. (switching to full sentence mode here- for the record, the reason i am able to plow through so many episodes is because i watch/listen to them while i clean, blow dry my hair, wash my face before bedtime, and during mealtimes when travis is gone. so most mealtimes.)

• that time you come to bed only to find your husband has found his duck call and is blowing it as loud as possible, asking you, "does this sound real?" and while you think of a nice way to let him down easy, he informs you it is his mating call and you realize you have never been less turned on than this moment in time. 

• that time a vernon dursley look-a-like confronts you at walmart about the sound your feet make when they scuff on the floor. and you yell back at him and are so filled with rage you wonder if you need a more violent outlet than your kickboxing class. 

•  speaking of violent outlets, that time you are starving with hunger and your husband comes home and teases you about whether or not he will go to the grocery store with you. and you become filled with that same violent rage, grab his neck, begin screaming curse words (in my defense, he did make me run up and down the stairs looking for socks and teasing me) and forget that the door is open and the neighbors can hear you being verbally abusive. then your husband's maniacal laughter pushes you to the breaking point and you hurl his shoes at his face as hard as possible. and he continues to laugh until you realize how crazy you have become. 

• that time you realize that you have become obsessed with the topic of female orgasm and that you tell every person you meet everything you know about our culture and sex. like your unsuspecting brother in law. and you remember that many people are very uncomfortable talking about sex and hearing the words, "orgasm" and "clitoris." and you hear yourself talking to your bishop about your uterus and realize you have a problem. 

• that time you attend the most beautiful wedding reception ever that looked like this: 

 (if you care to see more, go {here})

• that time you applied for four more jobs and are beginning to think you'll be unemployed forever. and begin alternating between the ideas of getting kocked up and applying for grad school. and then just watch more desperate housewives to drown out the uncertainty of the future. 

• that time you realize it's almost been two years since you married your husband and you realize you are so much more crazy about him that you were back then.

  seriously, those eyes.

laughing fit.

• that time you get ID'ed ordering a virgin margarita. and then get hit on by junior high kids. and then find out your 8th grade brothers' friends thought you were his new, hot girlfriend when they saw you walking into his choir concert arm in arm with him. 

• that time your husband gets his hair cut at your salon for the first time and while you sit there, watching as an attractive blonde woman massages his scalp and his eyes roll back in pleasure, all you can think is, perfect, now he won't beg me for a massage later.

so that pretty much covers it. just spending my days being an unemployed advocate for female orgasm, throwing rage fits in front of neighbors, and being obsessed with travis. and apparently looking like a junior high student. so you know, livin' the high life.

xo