reunion

one of the perks to living in utah, is that it seems to be a mecca of sorts for BYU Hawaii students. this means that my dear old friends often pass through or visit and we are able to see each other again! yesterday was one of those glorious days. we all agree that the bonds we formed while living in hawaii together are unusually strong and we feel a family sort of love for each other.

back in the day, (it has almost been four years since we all met, so "back in the day" is starting to seem appropriate.) we used to enjoy an afternoon at waimea bay and then a pit stop at kava roots for acai bowls. in utah, there is no waimea bay. there is no kava roots. but, an acai place opened up in provo! so we took what we could get.

here we were, back in the day:

christian and erika, (and moi) and brett, who came this time but was holding the camera for this picture.

acai, pronouned AHHH- SIGH- YEE, a high calorie berry grown in brazil. blended with apple juice and smothered in granola, honey, and fresh fruit. mmmhmmmm!

four years later, far far away from sunny beaches and our beloved kava roots: 

because it was a cloudy, rainy day, not unlike oahu's winter weather, we all agreed that if you squinted, and only used your peripheral vision to look outside, we could almost trick ourselves into believing we were on our dear island. almost. and although the acai bowls were good, they didn't taste quite the same without the salty sea air. still, we had a great afternoon catching up and remembering those wonderful times

miss you hawaii. xo

looking back

this week, as i boarded the train for my last final, i thought back to the beginning of college six years ago. i remembered moving in to my first apartment, my mom and i sobbing when she drove away, leaving me alone. i remembered sharing a room with a stranger for the first time (sounds skankier than it really was) and how i couldn't remember which roommate was "melissa" and which was "alyssa" for like three weeks. it was so bittersweet to sit on that train and flash through all of my experiences. i did some digging through my old myspace account and found a few pictures. warning, it's about to get nostalgic up in here.

 can't find a picture with all 6 of us, but here are my SUU 

gymnast roommies and nikki, the babe in the middle. 

we lived in eccles c 305. there was an elevator in our building. 

um, i used to fart in it almost every time right before i got out. 

snigger.

 my boyfriend alex, who drove down many a weekend to see me. 

 linds and i at albertsons, with the boys who lived across the hall from us. 

just sharing a pair of sweats. 

we practically lived at the boys apartment,

 eating frozen pizza and brownies all. the. time.

the first week of school, headed to a luau.

nikki was a college socialite who always 

tried to get me to go out with her.

yep, i dated the one with the tongue sticking out. 

for multiple years. 

(promise i'll tell that story someday. when i'm not so angry.) 

my murray friends who always came down to try to get with my roommates. 

oh we always stayed up so late! 

i remember one night, melissa, one of the gymnasts, came home super drunk

and we convinced her to do back handsprings all the way down the hall. 

headed out to go boating in st. george with our boys across the hall.

yeah, i hardly wore any clothes back then. 

my second year at SUU, with mikelle late one night. always up so late. 

that was the year alex left on his mission and i was so lonely and depressed. 

i would not go back to that year. 

military ball with my friend rory.

one of our many hiking trips to zion nat park. 

the only thing that made that year bearable, my best friend morgan moving down to cedar city. 

headed out to a friend's ballroom dance recital. 

our roommates from korea. it was my first experience living with someone from another country

and i loved it. they always fed us delicious food and taught us new words. 

ok, i have hundreds of pictures from hawaii i could put up. 

moving to hawaii was in my life's top three best decisions. 

the year i spent there changed me and taught me so much. 

to love myself, to forgive myself, to trust others again,

friendship, loyalty, love, romance, oh the list goes on and on. 

hawaii was where my healing process began. 

it would never have happened without the amazing people i met. 

and i'm going to start crying here. 

 at the beach with my besties. oh i miss these girls! 

choir concert. being in the university choir was so wonderful! 

choir party at the beach. 

so at BYUH, you aren't supposed to wear bikinis. 

i obviously didn't follow that rule, but for school functions, 

i had to have a "modest" suit. 

so i bought a swimming suit that looked like lingerie.

such a rebel back then. 

also, i was thirty five pounds heavier then. 

i dated a zillion boys. 

fell in love a few times. 

kissed a lot of dudes.

at the airport after christmas, heading back. 

my mom and i always cried. 

at the beach, like always.

my gpa went from a 4.0 to a 2.8.

in one semester. 

first real beach trip with erika dick.

the day i met alyssa herzinger. 

we had no idea. :) 

the four of us were inseparable.

for the first time in my life, i had a group of girlfriends. 

i told you i didn't used to wear clothes. 

seriously, no decency. :) 

the five of us in our laie house, winter semester. 

the sea sider, where we had disgusting lunches every day. 

north shore surf competitions, day after thanksgiving. 

the day i got swallowed by a wave in front of thousands of people

and the loudspeaker announced, "stay off the beach"

and my phone was destroyed. 

waiting at the bus stop. we took the bus everywhere.

one time, a guy asked erika and i if we were a couple.

that's how close we were, strangers thought we were in love. :) 

 one of the most perfect days. 

the gang of us after hiking that "rock" behind us. 

don't worry, it wasn't all beach. 

here we are at the school newspaper, 

workin' away. 

i think i've reached the limit of post space. U of U to follow in next post.

homesick. well, more than usual homesick.

it's sunday night. the night all college students dread. you have to finally pull out those books and pull up your word documents and deal with everything you put off since thursday night. because tomorrow is monday and shit's due. 'n shit.

and i might be in a swearing mood tonight.

i just finished an assignment i should have been working on for the last month. don't worry, i did it all in one afternoon. now i have a stats quiz looming in my near future.

being a student when you're married is NOT a good time anymore.

being a student when you live in a dumpy house and have old couches that have who-knows-what embedded in their cushions, dirty kitchens, and crowded refrigerators. THAT'S where it's at. it's always a party, there are always people around to meet, to flirt with, and to distract you from your piles of homework. a roommate has always baked something gooey and warm, and there's always a pint of ben and jerry's in the freezer to help you out.

being a college student while being married = a freakishly clean house, (clean enough to have a showing at any moment) a gorgeous brand new fridge that you get all to yourself, but it's costing an arm and a leg and you don't have any food inside until wednesday when the husband gets paid. being married to a fireman = a LOT of alone time. and i gave up ben and jerry's a long time ago. it might be a lot easier to stop going to school and get a job to help pay for that freakishly clean house.

plus in the past seven days, travis worked a grand total of 112 hours.
96 of those hours at the fire station.
that's four days and nights of alone time for moi.
and travis and i saw each other for a whopping 45 hours in the past week.
including sleep.
that's like your average joe's normal workweek.
basically travis is my full time job.
lol.


so a lot of times it seems like the college party is over and gone.

don't get me wrong. I appreciate SO much that travis works hard to pay for our many expenses and my tuition. he is tired all the time so that i don't have to work while i'm in school. travis is basically the best.

just sometimes, or rather, most times, when i'm alone at night i remember what it's like to have a rip roaring social life and people around me all the time. i really miss living with girls, as strange as that is. i miss the constant party and giggling about inappropriate things. i miss those girls who got me through breakups, crappy dates, bad test scores, and getting a little fat. i miss my suu roommates who stashed tequila under the sink and went to the gym with me. i miss those hawaii girls and our bus rides, beach trips, and adventures.

i should have appreciated it more.

and i know if i'm not careful, i'm going to go through my entire life saying that about the past.

in a few years, when my quiet house is full of lively toddlers and babies, i'll probably look back at this time of solitude and peace with longing. it really seems to be the hardest thing for me, to just live in the place i am currently and enjoy it.

oh this life thing we do, it's harder than we think it will be sometimes.
but we always get through it.
so i'm going to go deal with the present, and do that stats homework.
and hey, living without roommates allows me to focus better and my gpa is pretty damn awesome. :)

xo

dear marriage,

you have been very enlightening this past 11 1/2 months. i've enjoyed much of you and i've adjusted to much of you. but really, it would be lovely if you would allow me to see my husband a bit more. i know, i know, it's not really your fault... but then, it seems we saw each other a whole lot more when we were just dating. and i know, we weren't paying for anything really and now we have a whole host of grown up bills, but i really miss this man i call my "life partner."

you see, travis is working 97 hours this week and this isn't the first time. turns out growing up is a little lonely sometimes.

the other day, a song came on the radio and it was a song i first heard in hawaii. i thought wistfully of days being crammed in the evans' bimmer, smashed next to people i loved, not a care in the world except hoping the weather would be sunny that day. but that's not true, because i had stresses and worries then, just different ones. seems like before i got married i worried a lot about boys- who liked me, who would ask me out, who i was going to end up with. i worried about my looks, my weight, my skin, roommates, etc. i'm sure in a few years i'll look back at myself in this stage of life and think my worries were trivial.

i remember before i was married or thinking about marriage, i felt like it was so far away. it was something "those" people did and "they" were a different sort of people than me. i felt like they didn't need my friendship anymore and that they were just living happily ever after. turns out people still need support after they are married. marriage isn't a cure-all.

sometimes i wish i could line up all the "me's" from different stages in my life and let them have a pow wow. the little kid me would probably tell the now me to calm down and make more time for reading good books. i would tell the 15 year old me to hang in there, that people get nicer later in life. i doubt that the now me would listen to the sage and wise 50 year old me saying, "don't worry so much about keeping your house clean or your face made up. just enjoy the fact that you have so much energy."

this thing we go through, this life thing, it's not always roses and daisies. sometimes when i read, or rather, stalk, other blogs, it sounds like everyone else's life and marriage are so perfect. oh so no one else has petty fights with their husbands about household chores? no one else ever thinks rude thoughts about their spouse? apparently i'm the only one who ever hurts her husband's feelings? i'm not buying that. maybe we should all sit down together and be honest about the things that make us angry, blue, or lonely, instead of reading each other's blogs about how wonderful life is.

and there's the part of my brain telling me to stop being so ungrateful. because there really are wonderful things in my life. i have a loving family, supportive friends, the opportunity to get my education, a freaking goldendoodle! not to mention the most amazing part of my life- travis randy bodtcher. :) after working 15 hours yesterday and all day today, when i visited him at the station he rubbed my back. (don't worry; i rubbed his too. i'm a pretty decent wife like that.) i'm stressed out about money and he's like, don't worry, i'll take care of it.

i guess i just want anyone who reads this blog to know that adjusting to marriage is pretty hard. but when it's good, it's good. and us married people, we're a lot like single people- we just have more sex. (no really, the numbers don't lie; i learned that in my psychology of love class.)

basically, i love my husband, new phases of life take adjustment, we always want what we used to have, and i'm thankful to have this life to figure it all out.

the late night ramblings

disclaimer: this post is way too long and way too ridiculous. don't feel pressured to read.


Nostalgia is a seductive liar. ~George Wildman Ball
Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days. ~Doug Larson
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
~Owens Lee Pomeroy
Everything can be killed except nostalgia for the kingdom, we carry it in the color of our eyes, in every love affair, in everything that deeply torments and unties and tricks.
-julio cortazar

I don't think nostalgia has to be negative.
-van morrison

I know what it's like to be in one place and dream of another. I also know what it's like to feel that nostalgia is a fairly useless thing because it is stasis.
-mira nair

in case it's unclear how i feel tonight, i feel homesick and nostalgic. it all started with my mumford and sons pandora station. you know how sometimes pandora or shuffle on the ipod seems to read your mood and keep playing those songs you love most? tonight as i was washing my face, pandora kept spitting out music i fell in love with when i lived in hawaii. band of horses, coldplay, and glen hansard.

when i lived there, it was like my all emotions were heightened. as i have mentioned before, that island helped me heal from many things that i struggled with. that music played an enormous role in the healing. sometimes i wish i could write those artists and thank them for writing the words i so needed to hear, but i'm sure they receive letters like that on a daily basis.

ever since i was a little girl, i have wanted to go back to "the before." the summer of 5th grade was especially great, and after it ended, i would daydream about those great days. i used to commit certain moments to memory and then go through all the moments over and over, so afraid i would forget the happiness. i guess i really struggle with letting go of good things.

so tonight i have been thinking about all the wonderful events in my life. i remember my first year of college, moving into an apartment filled with half naked gymnasts and football players, playing poker and dani california blasting from their stereo. those muscly girls hauled all my boxes of pots, pans, bedding, and even furniture up three flights of stairs and were welcoming, coarse language and all.

the first meal i cooked after moving out was spaghetti and meatballs, those terrible costco meatballs that you can literally warm up in the microwave. my roomates were impressed. and then i drove home that weekend, a mere four days later. i was speeding and got pulled over. totally pulled the "it's my first time away from home officer; i just miss my parents so much." line and didn't get a ticket. i was going at least 95.

i remember my first love leaving on an LDS mission, and just knowing i couldn't live without him. i saved his all voicemails on my phone, and late at night when sleep wouldn't come, i would listen to them over and over, sobbing. that first love was so sweet, such teenage puppy love, staying out till 4 every morning to go train watching, talking about nothing, and listening to brand new or bayside's acoustic cd. after he left, i couldn't listen to music for a long time.

i remember every time i would come home for a weekend, my three brothers running to the door to hug me. they seemed to grow so much those three years i was gone. it meant the world to me, their excitement. thinking about it now makes me cry. i love those boys so much.

then of course there was the year i spent living in hawaii. that first house, three miles from school, and that purple beach cruiser i borrowed from the tongans sharing our duplex. the first time i met erika dick, i knew we would be friends. she talked a hundred miles an hour while she hung up her colorful clothes in the closet we shared. our toenails were painted the same orange and we laughed about that. she had tegan and sara playing in the background on her laptop.

i remember riding my beach cruiser to the grocery store, tamuras, and smelling fish and mildew. the big brown woman who taught me about pineapples as i was picking one. i remember hitchhiking for the first time, asking the man if he planned on raping me before i would get in his car. we always took our books to the beach and pretended to study. i still have scars on my knees from the mosquito bites i got while talking to travis on the phone outside. we didn't get phone service in the house. he used to stay up late and talk to me, while i paced the beach park across the street from the house. it was usually raining.

obviously i am homesick. it's late and the iron and wine isn't helping at all. i guess the point of all this rambling, is that sometimes i feel like i'm bursting with all these memories that make me who i am. and i look at travis and wonder if he ever feels that way and if i could ever know all the memories that make him, him. and if it even matters. but it seems like it does. do you know what i'm trying to say here? do you ever feel so full of memories and so homesick for those times that you can't stand it almost? not in a sad feeling way exactly, but a filled kind of way?

there's an ingrid michaelson song that goes,

they say that home is where the heart is

i guess i haven't found my home
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own.
and are we there yet?

i really like the way maya angelou put it and i will leave this ridiculous post at this:

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right.

the landlocked lonlies

ok. so im happy. my life is full of love and laughing and excitement and family. i am not whining, nor am i complaining. but i may have made a mistake just now. i decided since i am waiting for my brother to get here so we can pick up my parents from the airport, i should read my friend alyssa's blog. but not the new stuff. the old memories from when we lived in hawaii. and reading through all of our adventures has made me terribly homesick. so if you don't feel like reading a homesick post, skip this one.

The thing that was so great about hawaii was the attitude of everyone living there. at least the students. the attitude of i can do anything i choose to do, such as living on this beautiful island. it was some serious empowerment. and i miss learning about different cultures; i miss the diversity and the languages. i miss the dirty, dingy, sandy, cockroachy normalness of restaurants. i miss choir. i miss choir so much that i cry sometimes. ha. singing in a choir at a church school allowed us to sing about religious topics. music + religion = feelings. my testimony of Christ grew leaps and bounds that year, not from hearing people speak but from singing with a group of people who loved me and who i loved back.

it's so ridiculous, but i miss miss miss eating lunch in the sea sider with all of us. i never really had a group of friends in high school. i never really had a sincere group of friends until i moved to hawaii. we were quite a group, the evans brothers and their unending knowledge of cars, (and willingness to drive you anywhere and help with anything) erika dick and her headbands, cute flannel, and music suggestions and unlimited knowledge of EVERYTHING, alyssa herTzinger playing the organ, laughing at the outrageous things she comes up with, and her sassy wit, bonnie begging for quarters to buy chili rice and telling her latest longboarding adventure, dustin making us all angry or at least irritated, ting shen and his camera and always cramming in the homework at the last minute, (oh i love him) ryan anderson interviewing us for ke alakai, (as long as we didn't say anything opposing wheelwright's views) getting in trouble for wearing a dress that is too short, jenna chidester being absolutely ridiculous, eating way too much ice cream, kaytie fav and keola always having healthy lunches from home, debates about politics, roxanne miller showing up once in a while and acting like she's a gift from heaven, (she is though) making disgusting meals out of the salad bar and random items from the sea sider, singing choir songs at the top of our lungs, pretending to be cold so we could drink hot chocolate, and so many other things i could go on and on about.

i miss the day to day things. i miss the friendships. i miss feeling like i could be anything i wanted to be. i miss the jokes about wheelwright's terrible reign. i miss the gossip. i miss the smell of hot rain. i miss saying aloha in sacrament meeting. i miss tutoring asian students on subject verb agreement. i miss my morning runs to the ocean, the smell of the ocean, the taste, the feel, the security, the sand. i miss living with erika dick so much. i took her knowledge and insight for granted when i lived with her. didn't realize how much smarter she is than most people. i miss brother belnap and his life lessons during choir and voice lessons. (and the slightly sacrelidge way i always made the analogy of him being God in my head) i miss katie and rachael and jane as my roommates, always cooking something good and teaching me something new. i miss longboarding to school and riding a bike to get around. i miss going barefoot to the grocery store (wait, i still do that, to travis's dismay.) i miss the bus. i miss my kayak very very much. i miss being crazy and hitchhiking. i miss eating way too many raisinetts and a pint of ice cream every few days. (my waistline does not miss these) hawaii helped me learn to love myself and i miss that too.

alyssa's blog said something i should learn to be better at doing. something about enjoying the present more than missing the past. for the most part, i think i am doing better with this. but just for this moment tonight, i am allowing myself to remember and to miss my home and place i love most, hawaii.

the blue and green

my love affair with the ocean

it had been a very long day of traveling. flying, waiting, driving, waiting, and then the van full of strangers dropped me off in the driveway of a white duplex surrounded by jungle, accompanied by two suitcases, a longboard, and my guitar. my phone had died hours before. i was almost three thousand miles away from any person i knew by name.

after finding my way to the door, claiming my bed, and leaving my belongings in this new humid place with the sounds of chickens, cars blaring on the highway, and brown people playing reggae, i set off to find a beach.

i didn't have to go far. across the street was a beach park. the spongy grass felt strange on my bare feet and the trees dropped prickly things that stuck to my toes. a small incline led to the beach and the thickness of jungle and palm trees opened up to a sea of blue green grey waves. in disbelief i slowly neared the edge of sand and looked out to the ends of the earth. sobs escaped from my throat. i was home. and so began my love affair with the ocean.

it is difficult to describe the comfort of living so near to the ocean to someone who has only visited or seen pictures. i don't know if every person who lives near an ocean feels the same sense of love and security as i did, but the ocean became so much more to me than a place to swim, socialize, or admire. i took all my problems, insecurities, doubts, as well as my joys and dreams, to the ocean.

i learned a healthy respect for the ocean as well. there were a few times i honestly thought i was going to drown and die. i learned when to get in and swim, and when to just sit on the shore and watch. there is a certain trust one must have when entering those waves. i watched men surf in thirty foot waves. i saw beautiful brown babies learn to float in calm waters. bad weather and flooding caused the ocean to become brown and muddy, full of debris; still she was beautiful.

there were things from the past haunting me, halting my growth and progression. i took these things to the ocean. usually just in thoughts, but some nights i screamed and beat my fists. i wrote letters to the people who had hurt me, penned them with the sea air in my face and the smell of salt on my lips. i saw many a full moon's reflection over the dark waves and watched sirius make his way through the night sky. the ocean was always there, always listening.

the ocean heard thoughtful discussions with close friends, held us in her arms, and heard us sing. friendships grew, love grew, and we grew.

the day i left hawaii, i spent the entire afternoon at the beach, saying goodbye. it was heartwrenching, and i know this sounds so dramatic, but i truly felt i was leaving my best friend behind.

now im landlocked and far away from the humidity, hot sand, and loud reggae. im engaged to a wonderful man, and i have a happy life here. but the day after tomorrow im getting on a plane and flying back for two weeks. this may sound ridiculous, but i don't think i could get married and commit my whole life without talking to the ocean about it first. i am committed and im ready, but i need to feel that piece of myself i only ever felt there. i have to feel that piece and take it with me so i can be complete and whole.

"Heart, that sinks through fading colors deep
To the subaqueous stillness of the sea,
And floats forever in a moon-green pool,
Held in the arms of rhythm and of sleep."

(i am in need of music, elizabeth bishop)

One week since Hawaii

- hung out with my three little brothers

- went shopping with my mom

- spent all day in a tattoo parlor and apparently looked like a lesbian.

- went to star trek. it's ridiculous. 

- was reintroduced to whiny pop emo :) 

- was surprised with 311 tickets. travis you are the best. 

- got to hug zack graff and play music with bryson breiv. 

- went to idaho falls to visit family

- enjoyed church with my family

- went pickup shopping with my dad and watched him belittle the salesman. where did i learn sarcasm? 

- missed the ocean every day. 

- made acai bowls and missed kava roots.

- read three books

- got really angry and then felt really silly

- longboarding with zane

- missed alex hansen only a little bit. 

life is weird and good. 

dear world

thanks for the sunshine and that the sand on the beach was packed hard enough to run on this morning without killing my calves.

thanks for clean rain.

thanks for cute japanese boys to tutor in grammar. the ones who actually want to learn about past progressive vs subjunctive.

thanks for music. and that the piano in the ballroom was unoccupied when i needed it.

thanks for cilantro.

thanks for stray dogs who lay dead but still alive on the curbs. it was hot and muggy today.

to be alive

choked up sobs for joy, japanese voices outside my window, a piano and violin's duet, paddling the ocean till my arms give out, a pink and blue and yellow sunset over palm trees, throwing the shaka, taking stiff laundry off the line smelling of ocean, hukilau cafe, stray cats with no tails, praying to God, narrow streets and brown children running, the couple smoking weed by laie elementary, morning runs to the ocean,"auntie! auntie!" subject verb agreement, having two desk hours in a row, holding your hand, being the only white woman in class, chili and rice for lunch, a circle of flags colors so bright, "no can" bambo under my bare feet, sadness you can touch, cane spiders as big as my face, tracing the moon's footsteps, salt water stinging my bloody knees, getting dressed dance parties, stolen kisses in the parking lot at tamuras, wishing, acai bowls and sweaty faces, whitemom blackdad brownchild, loving, letters and smiles, fresh pineapple so prickly, screaming to the wide open sky, following sirius, saying yes and no, shuffle, laughing the same in every language.

held in the arms