the undercover covered in blood doctor

he looked a lot like this

this morning, on my way home from my waste-of-time psych 2010 class, i met the craziest man alive.

i was sitting at gallivan plaza, waiting for the sandy train, and freezing my cheeks off. since i have to leave the house at 630 am, i hadn't showered, made anything up, or groomed at all, and i was feeling less than friendly. i sat quietly and stared at the ground, praying for the wind to stop. an obviously homeless man with huge duffel bags and a grizzly beard walked up to the seats. avoid eye contact avert your gaze look away! i thought frantically, but the man put his stuff down on the metal seat next to me, even though there were at least five other seats available and said, "mind if i sit next you?" before i could answer, he stood in front of me, let half his body slump and dragged his back foot saying, "i'm a zombie! undead!" then looked expectantly at my face for a laugh. well, it was a little funny, so i chuckled in a polite way.

the man sat down next to me and began telling jokes. "so did you see the news this morning? yeah, they discovered noah's ark!" i looked incredulously at him as he continued. "no really! and they found the remnants of two worms inside of an apple. god didn't say to come in apples. he said to come in pears!"

ha ha.

and the jokes continued. im always a sucker for this kind of thing. this happens to me all the time, homeless, or any kind of people really, talk to me, tell me their problems, and i usually enjoy it. i like people and i like stories, so im usually friendly to anyone who wants to talk. so as im waiting for the sandy train, listening to this lonely old man's jokes, i laugh and joke back, thinking the train will come and ill get on and he'll stay here.

well the train pulls up and i say goodbye and he says, "no wait! this is my train too! i have to go to sandy to see a doctor! i can finish the joke now!"

oh dear.

we board the train and i scan the seats, looking for someone to sit close to in case this man goes crazier, and to my dismay the train is almost empty. i sit down and the man quickly takes the seat right next to me, before i can put my purse down or anything. he continues telling the jokes and im still being polite, but not laughing quite so much anymore. this is where the crazy begins.

the man tells me he is a government agent. he points to a random object outside the window. "i invented that for the government. it helps with the power." i nod and say, "oh. uh huh. sure." then he points to a mcdonalds. "they kicked me out of there this morning. they don't know im the one who built all the missions in this city for the homeless. im on my way to see a doctor." then he rolls up his sleeve. open sores are festering on his arms and i notice for the first time that his hands are covered in dried blood." gulp. "yeah i have four terminal diseases. im dying. that's why i like to tell jokes. it distracts me from my misery and makes people smile."

i asked him what he is dying of and he won't say. all he says is that he has a few months to live and that he's looking for a cure. then he starts telling me that he is a doctor. "i have studied medicine since i was three years old." he claims. " and now i need to tell you the real reason i needed to talk to you today." "oh really?" i ask. "why's that?" "well," he says, "you have dark rings around your irises. this could indicate a number of diseases. you could be dying." i thank him for letting me know and he says, "i spend my life helping people, giving medical advice, and it's my calling from the government." i tell him that it's very generous. he replies with, "see i just saved your life and i didn't even try to have sex with you."

at this point i get nervous. i have never felt nervous on trax before, even when there are people screaming at each other or creepy guys staring at me, but this man is making me nervous. i start looking around, seeing where i could move to or who could help me if this man tries anything. there is a guy around my age who keeps looking over at us uneasily. i catch his eye and give him the 'help me' look. he looks worried.

meanwhile, the man is still talking. he's going on and on about adam and eve, and how he knows that women endure suffering, more than men even. although he did say that men going to war = women giving birth. then he tells me, "i was poisoned by a woman when i was young. i bled from my intestines for seven days, so i know what you women deal with when you have your periods. actually, did you know that it is prophesied that one day a man will be born who will understand women? i am that man."

then he motions to my hand, asking me to show him my left hand. if this man puts his bloody hands on me, im going to lose it. he points at my fingernail. "you have a heart condition. i can tell."

i start thinking, ok i really need to move, but his bags were blocking my escape and i was afraid that he would try to put his bloody hands on me if i made sudden moves. my stop was coming up, so i just stayed still and tried not to breathe in the smell of him.

my stop finally came and i stood up. "oh is this you?" he asked. "well it was sure nice meeting you." "yup." i said, standing in front of the doors waiting. the doors wouldn't open. something was wrong. "oh sorry about my bad breath!" the man called. "they won't let me have dental hygiene." the doors finally opened and i practically run to my car, laughing and at the same time feeling afraid he was going to somehow follow me home.

the craziest man i have ever met. even crazier than the man in hawaii who told me he smears lamb's blood on his forehead to cleanse himself from sin.

from now on, im wearing dark glasses and an angry scowl.