better.

real quick.

just got home from working on girl's unit and wanted to write this while it's fresh.

my hope in humanity has been restored. (like always, right?)

so tomorrow when i have time, i'm planning to tell the whole sexual harassment story and such, but for tonight, i want to say today i stood up for myself and that isn't something i'm used to doing when it has to do with uncomfortable sexual situations. surprise, it's very empowering!

also, i love the girls so very much! tonight was one of those nights i could almost forget they are substance abusers and not just kids hanging out and eating brownies with their girlfriends. until, you know, they make a meth joke or have a phone call with their mentally ill mom that ends with screaming and crying. we sang together, played piano, made dream catchers, told jokes, and even "spit some rhymes" aka, "rapped." and did the "all the single ladies" beyonce dance. these are girls who have stories to tell and most of them are tragic. they have experienced heartache and betrayal to a degree i'll never understand. and yet they still laugh, dance, sing, and eat brownies. they are resilient. i can be too.

i'm way too attached. what's going to happen to these girls? where will they end up? how are they going to be okay?

they have taught me so many things. once, while working on boy's unit, we were making para cord bracelets. one of the boys wanted a certain color and was being shy about it. "speak up" i told him. "if you want something, don't be afraid to ask for it." later that night, i needed to know something and was feeling a little intimidated asking. that boy repeated my words back to me. it really hit me in that moment, a 15 year old boy who was locked up for assaulting cops and dealing drugs, giving me much needed encouragement and advice.

everything happens for a reason. i'll be sad to leave this job, but i am thankful for the lessons i have learned from these 16 drug addicts.

we are all given different circumstances and trials for a reason. we have the opportunity to learn from them and become stronger. i'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to do this job, even if it is heartbreaking and difficult.

thank you for the encouragement. life really is wonderful, guys.
keep spreading that love around. :)

xo

some musings

the past few weeks i have felt overwhelmed, and not just with finals. (and out of the ten semesters so far i have done in college, this summer was by far the worst.) the past few weeks i have felt myself responding with sarcasm, cynicism, and disbelief to everything i come across.

my psychology textbooks are filled with the problems of the world- marriages that don't last, partners who cheat, parents who abuse their babies, poor black women who trade sex for food and end up with HIV, (i went on a random AIDS kick and read all kinds of the latest stats. fastest growing group of people who are infeccted: african american women.) i learn about how neurotic personalities lead to lonelier, shorter lives, and i am afraid that's going to be me. i worry about my eating habits. i worry about my younger brothers and if they're happy and becoming good men who treat women with respect.

i have been far too concerned with what other people think about me. does travis's family think i'm a good fit for him? does my dad approve of the person i have become? do those people on facebook who i don't ever see think i've let myself go since i got married? do the people i love know i care for them?

then there are the things i see all around me that bother me and make me feel helpless. like yesterday, in line at the sunflower market, the pictures on the magazines. a beautiful, busty, incredibly fit woman with the caption, "you can lose those jiggly legs in 3 weeks!" why should losing my jiggly legs be my first priority? don't i have enough to worry about?

or like on sunday, i was teaching our class about how to make homelife better. one section in the teacher's manual specifically instructed me to tell the boys in the class to learn how to take care of children and to be involved in childcare in their own homes someday. i told the boys this, and they said things like, "don't all girls want to do that baby stuff? shouldn't boys do the outside work and girls do the inside work?" even the girls in the class said they would rather do the "girl" jobs. and i feel so helpless to explain everything.

then i feel overwhelmed when even thinking about raising my own children. there are so many things in our culture that i disagree with. how do i raise a kid to know better when it's all around us.

last night when i was cruising around on the facebook, i stumbled on an event that just bothered me. it's a walk/run to support making utah "less uptight." reading the comments and all the hate for the lds church breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that some lds church members have that kind of hate for homosexuality.

basically, i want to change the world, but i feel completely helpless.

all i can do is change myself, like that famous gandhi quote: "be the change you want to see in the world." i don't have the power to change the minds of those who harbor hatred for something they barely understand. i don't have the power to control the media and what they publish. i can't control what other people think of me.

but i can learn and do everything in my power to understand people who are different from me, so they don't seem so alien. i can show compassion to every human being i meet. i have to stop caring about what other people think, because i'm the only person i have to impress.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." -Benjamin Disraeli
"Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -Alan Keightley
also. i'm going to permanently delete my facebook. right now. :) much love to all of you. :)