searching for home: part 1

our house. is a mess.

and we haven't even packed our bedrooms yet.
it is AWESOME!

this is what it sounds like when we pack:
travis, taking down the kitchen table, says, "wow, i remember putting this table up with nate and us eating eating our first meal in this house." pause. "and you were so mad at me."
i laugh, "yeah i was! and you were so scared of me!"

travis and nate, eating the first meal in our house

we laugh now, but when we were first married, it was a pretty tough adjustment. sex was painful and scary, which made travis feel guilty and withdraw, making me wonder why travis was acting so different, leading to me getting really defensive and angry, leading travis to think i regretted marrying him.... etc.

then there was the house. it's a long story, but the reasons we bought this house weren't really great reasons. we were trying to find something in a certain amount of time so we could get that $8,000 tax credit. (that we didn't end up getting, but ended up being a huge blessing because if we had gotten it, we would have had to pay it back before selling our house.)  we didn't really know anything about buying a house. i'll just leave it at that. but the house was a disaster. filthy, crawling with spiders, covered in construction mess. etc.

then came the adjustment of living alone 2-3 days a week while travis went to work. i really resented his job for a while- and i know, i should have been thankful he had such a great job, but i wasn't.

then there was the fact that we were living in the neighborhood he grew up in. a great neighborhood, but i just never felt like it was mine. it was like i was visiting his, you know?

sorry, this is becoming a list of negative things. but to understand why i'm so thankful we are moving, you have to know the reasons it was really hard living in this house. every room in our house is full of memories of sadness. the other day my mom was over, helping me when i hurt my back. she was sitting in our t.v. room, saying how nice it looked. i told her what i though about every time i see that room, our first night spent in the house.

 our first night back from our honeymoon. we had barely spoken to each other on the plane ride home. my parents picked us up from the airport with a cute sign, "welcome home bodtchers!" i saw the name "bodtcher" and panicked, because i didn't understand how travis and i had had such a good thing before getting married and now all the sudden we weren't speaking. and now i was supposed to just be a bodtcher? when my parents asked us how our trip was, both of us were probably thinking the same thing: i feel like a failure because sex is impossible, and i think my spouse hates my guts. and i can't believe i have a spouse. when we walked into our house, it was a mess, the floor covered in brown paper to protect it from all the sanding and mudding we would have to do. florescent lights cast shadows on the dingy walls. my dad looked at us, perhaps reading the panic in our eyes, and said, "this place is going to be great, you know. once you get it all painted and decorated and remodeled." i wasn't sure i believed him.

then my parents left us alone. our first night in our house. a bed was set up in the only room that didn't have paper covering the floor. it wasn't our bedspread, just someone's extra we were borrowing. there was an ikea catalog someone had left us. i got into bed and started leafing through it, trying to start conversation with travis about decorating our house. he disagreed with every suggestion i made, probably feeling stressed out about money just looking at how expensive everything was. we had a fight, then turned to face opposite walls, and i fell asleep with tears on my cheeks, wondering what had happened to us.

that is what i think of every time i see that t.v. room.

there are so many other memories similar to that one. our first year of marriage was hard. between all the normal newly married adjusting, remodeling our house, travis's job, paying for my schooling, travis's mentor committing suicide, my PTSD and sex being so scary, fighting about our families- "make your family stop telling me to have a baby"- travis's damn dog roxy and her nine puppies, travis having to live paycheck to paycheck for the first time in his life...  we both agree that it's a miracle we came out of that and stayed married. but we did. we stuck it out, started figuring it out,  and we are so happy now.

travis started talking to me about wanting to move last january. neither of us have ever felt at home in our house. i have always had a weird way of thinking about inanimate objects as alive, (like when i used to put band-aids on the kitchen table because it had an owie...) and i have just always felt that our house didn't really want us there. maybe it was sick of all the disagreements and anger. i know, it sounds crazy. but it was never home.

so when we say we are excited to move, it's more than just being excited for a new house with a dishwasher and more space. although those things will be a huge upgrade from what we have now, we are so excited for a fresh start in a place that feels like home. and i'll always be thankful for the lessons we learned in our red brick house, as painful as they were. because through all of the fights and doubt, i always knew travis was the one. that even though we were making each other miserable, we could be great together. we could be happy. i thought i knew that when we were dating and happy. but if you're completely miserable with a person, and still want to be with that person, that is when you really know.

i'm so thankful for travis and for that first awful year of marriage we struggled through.
probably more thankful it's over and things are good now.

guys, it's really happening! we are moving!

and if you need to talk about how hard marriage can be, feel free to email me. i won't judge you. :)

happy weekend! -xo
 

BIG NEWS

just heard some news from our realtor.

the house we made an offer on last saturday, the house of my dreams, that house, they accepted our offer!

i just faxed a giant cashier's check and some documents over.

so we ARE UNDER CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!

i don't think i need to tell you how excited i am.
isn't she beautiful? 

stole this picture from the real estate website

overwhelmed with gratitude right now. it's been almost a full year since we decided we wanted to sell our house in murray and move to daybreak. there were so many letdowns along the way! but the timing couldn't have been more perfect, us selling our house just in time to get our tax return that would help us make a down payment. and the fact that there are changes coming to FHA loans, thingy technical terms i don't understand- that are making it more expensive to buy a home. we needed to have a file open by april 1st to make sure we still qualified for the old rates. the fact that interest rates are even lower than when we started looking. not to mention this house is way better than all the other ones we thought we wanted.

i'm still a little worried that if i post this, i'll jinx us and it won't work out.
but the only thing we have left to do with our house is pack up and sign the closing documents. the buyers have already paid their earnest money and done every inspection and appraisal needed. they aren't going anywhere. and we are officially under contract with this house and will be closing by the end of the month!

how am i going to focus on studying for my test now???

things really do work out the way they are supposed to. pretty incredible that God blesses us even when we have doubts. pretty thankful.

good grief, have a fantastic week!!!!
xo

the time i poisoned our appraiser

today was a long awaited day for travis and me. today was the day our house was appraised. supposedly tomorrow we close...? but their realtor, who is seriously insane, is convinced we don't close til the end of march.

anyway. it's never for sure in this house selling business, but back to the story.

our realtor texted me yesterday asking if wednesday at 1:30 worked for the appraisal. i was thrilled, because travis would actually be home for something having to do with selling the house. as fate would have it, he's always at work when there are showings, house inspections, or realtor walk-throughs, and thus, all duty and responsibility rests upon my small, too-young-for-this, shoulders.

so today, i let travis answer the door when the appraiser came over. i felt free to lay on the couch and study for the test i have in roughly an hour, and let the hot rice bag sit on my uterus and do its magic work on my terrible cramps. thanks so much copper iud. i hear the guy come in, not take off his shoes, tsk, and talk to travis in a deep manly voice. turns out he just finished paramedic school and recognized travis from when travis taught in his class. (one of travis's various occupations is teaching paramedic school at the university of utah, i know, badass.) distracted from my notecards displaying things like, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, suicide, (super fun, yeah?) i listen as travis asks the appraiser if he thinks our home will appraise high enough for the underwriter to give his stamp of approval. since i have done almost all of the face-to-face work of selling our home, i feel a little responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly.
"what all have you guys done remodel wise?" i hear the appraiser ask.
travis starts listing things. "well, new roof, windows, tile,"
i'm going crazy worrying if he's going to get it all, so i start yelling things out.
travis- "oh don't mind my wife, she's just in there studying."
oh yeah, i guess that 's weird for a voice to just start yelling out things like, "garbage disposal, insulation in the attic!" right?
the appraiser yells hello, and i tell him we have cookies in case he takes bribes. he politely laughs and says he does. then he goes about his business, looking in all the rooms. the appraiser has a magnificent soul patch, and when he's not looking, travis and i waggle our fingers under our lips to silently mock the appraiser's facial growth. yep, grownups.
oh also, i hadn't showered, and i kinda forgot to put on a bra. until the appraiser got there and then i felt super awkward. red shirt, red sweats, mismatched socks, and unbrushed hair. lookin' pretty fine, i must say.
so at the end, he and travis were talking in the kitchen, and i decided it was time to offer a cookie. i did not bake these cookies, as i never bake because i am always at school, but some sweet ladies in my neighborhood had dropped them off. i had taken a bite of one earlier, and then put it back onto the plate, because i'm gross like that, and i remembered this as i was pulling out the plate. i strategically opened the saran wrapped side across from my bite-taken-cookie, hoping he would never see it.
of course he reaches in, past the huge cookie i wanted him to grab, and his hand lands right on my cookie.
of course, i don't say anything, not about the bite, or the terrible cold i have, no i just watch in slow motion fashion as the man who has a huge say in whether or not our house sells smoothly, picks the cookie that could potentially end his life. 

ha, ha, just a joke. but it could give him a nasty cold. plus what's going to happen when he looks down and sees teeth marks in a crescent moon shape disrupting the circular flow of that beautiful chocolate peanut butter goodness??? 
i never saw him put it in his mouth. he kind of awkwardly carried it in the palm of his hand and i awkwardly followed him around, waiting to see what would happen. because by then, it was too late. travis kept looking at me, obviously not understanding the "I JUST MESSED UP" eyes i was shooting him.
until i told him in a whisper after the appraiser left.
because what if the appraiser had supersonic whale ears (?) and was standing on our porch, listening!?!

can you tell i have been studying abnormal psychology all week? yeah reading all those symptoms of "crazy people" and here i am in my red sweats, wild guilty eyes, poisoning our appraiser....

house of dreams

so, house shopping.

is WAY better than house selling.
although, until march 1, when we actually close, i will have a pit in my stomach every day from worrying that all this house shopping is for nothing and that the buyers don't really want our house.
we have already had our hearts broken over a house we couldn't have. we were all set on reserving a lot and building, but then our credit score was a teesny bit under what we needed for a conventional loan, and the payments with an FHA loan were too high, so peace out beautiful brand new house i had already gotten attached too. so house shopping is still scary.
we made our first official offer on this guy:

i know, she's a beaut. and is apparently both male and female. i probably shouldn't be posting pictures of other people's homes online... so the problem here is that this house is a short sale, and thus, a bit of a long shot. but you can't help who you fall in love with RIIIIIIEEEEEEGHT? sigh. this house is the kind of house i could picture the pitter patter of little feet peeking around the stairs to see the tree on christmas morning, sitting in a swing on the front porch with my guitar in the evenings, backyard barbeques with family, and you get the picture.

you know, what's terrible about house buying, is that you have to be attached enough to the house that you would pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and want to live in it for 30+ years, but still not get too attached in case it doesn't work out. WTH am i supposed to do that!?!?!

plus, how weird is it to walk through and touch all those stranger's stuffs? these guys have an EXCELLENT collection of hard liquor on their counter. i feel like that lends laid back vibes to the house.well either that or alcoholic vibes.
anyway. i'm sure i'll let you know how it all goes. we're still hunting, so if you find anything good in daybreak, let me know.
peace. 

more (if it's possible) husband boastings.

i know i just posted, but lately i just cannot go to sleep unless travis is home. he isn't home tonight and i am glued to my computer. when travis is at work, the computer is kind of my companionship, whether it's through music, social networking, desperate housewives, or as i tried to watch today, lost. i know i'm late to the lost train, but seriously, i can't take that show seriously. not because i don't like the actors or plot, but because i used to live near to where they filmed it. so when i see them freaking out about being stranded on a strange island, i'm just thinking, "duh, just hitch a ride up to haleiwa eats and you'll be fine.

plus i'm pretty bitter that they all want off the island when i would do anything to be on the island. 

anyway, i'm just missing travis and thought i would say a few things about him.

1. i can't remember if i've already said this, but travis refuses to ever say if he finds another woman attractive. yeah, i think i've already posted this. oh well. this week, i was badgering him about this really gorgeous girl on facebook. "isn't she so pretty?" i kept saying. "you're pretty." was all he would say. "i like you."

2. i had to go to the dermatologist last week to take my final accutane pregnancy test and while we were there, i had some moles checked out. the derm ended up taking a couple off of my back and face (just little red ones, and he did it FOR FREE because he is amazing like that.) well, it hurt A LOT. as we were driving home, i was looking at travis with the i need frozen yogurt eyes. he is well acquainted with them. he smiled at me and said, "you were so brave at the doctor, so i think we should get you a treat." true love.

3.  going house shopping with travis is pretty funny. i'm fairly sure i know how he feels, but he won't say if he likes or doesn't like a certain house. i'll just badger him about it and he will just say, "it's okay." i know that six hours later, he will be pumped about the one i figured he liked. knowing a person this way comes in handy when you feel like being frustrated that they aren't being enthusiastic at the exact moment you want them to be.

4. listening to music with travis is not like listening with anyone else. he likes to change the words so that "collettiepoo" is the theme of every song. sometimes/mostimes, the song is a little dirty. good dirty, not gross dirty.

5. travis is kind of shy about being a fireman. when we go house shopping and the realtors ask him what he does, a lot of the time he just says, "i work for murray city." i'm the one who chimes in and informs them that he is a big, brave fireman, fighting fires and saving lives. pretty proud of him. 

it's real love guys. still can't believe someone so great could love me the way he does.

being too young

yesterday, travis picked me up from the gym and asked, "do you have an hour to spare?" since i love nothing more than procrastinating my homework, i agreed to go up to daybreak with him and take a peek at some homes for sale. we ended up spending three hours up there and found a house both of us are kind of obsessed with. and it's kind of terrifying! there are so many "what ifs" to worry about. like when our realtor called last night and both of us froze, not wanting to answer on the off chance that he's going to tell us the buyers backed out. or weren't pre-approved, or anything else awful. i finally answered.
"hey so the buyers want to come over tomorrow night at 7 to take some measurements and show their kids the house."
i agree to this and then hang up the phone.
"travis, what if they take the measurements and none of their stuff fits in our house and then they change their minds!? and what if they are bringing their kids over to see if they like it and then when they hate it they're going to back out!? what if we are stuck in the house for the rest of our lives!?"

obviously, i'm a little stressed. travis reassured me that they are excited. they just bought a house! they want to plan for it and show the kids their new home! they are feeling the excitement we were feeling while looking in daybreak. but i just want to call the buyers and ask them over and over to promise not to back out.
i'm just not old enough for all this. is that just how everyone feels for their entire lives?

for reals? for reals.

those buyers, you know, the ones who already verbally agreed to our contract? well my uncle, our realtor just called me, and they SIGNED the contract!!!!!

ok, before you start screaming and jumping up and down with joy-and by you i mean me,- just remember that we are not out of the woods just yet. there will be an inspection and appraisal, and these folks can back out any time they feel the need.

but they have already given notice to their landlord that they are moving, they want to continue to live in murray, and they accepted our counteroffer of full price and no fridge included. all these things lead me to believe that they do, in fact, want our house.

i'm sitting on my couch, unshowered, unwashed, and unbelieving, in orange sweat pants and trav's murray fire sweatshirt. bra less. i look like a homeless person, and in fact, i may soon be!!! i wandered around the house in a daze today, unable to complete the tasks i began and jumping from nervousness every time the phone rang because what if it's the realtor with news that they didn't sign!?

maybe now i can get some homework done.

the other night after they verbally accepted our counteroffer, i asked travis how he was doing.
"well, i'm homeless." he said. "it's pretty rough." which led to delighted giggles and a bit of kissing i'm sure.

holy mole, is this real life?

january happenings

last week was crazy.
a lot of great things happened all at once. i'm going to bullet them out for your convenience.

• school started. this semester is my final battle before finally scoring that pesky bachelor's degree. i am taking 13 credits, and my classes are extremely interesting. i have cognitive psych, sensation and perception, abnormal psych, and research methods. these are classes i don't really have any background knowledge in, and this freaks me out, mostly because i like to be the "smart" person in class. yeah, i'm that person. but it's also humbling and interesting to learn things that are completely new, yes? yes. even if it means glaring jealous daggers at the girl in sensation and perception who has gorgeous skin, cool tattoos, and rocks her hot, mulletish hair while answering every question our professor throws out. correctly. and then spouts comments that make him say this, every time, "oh how very interesting. i have never thought about it that way before." ahhh jealousy.

• my mom found a job! my dad has been out of work for a few months now. he works with the stock market and the fund that he traded for shut down. so while he is working on building up business, my mom has renewed her teaching license and been job hunting, along with subbing, teaching music, and creating her own vocal school. (she is making bank from this.) she found a great job this week and i'm so proud of her.

• umm, we may have sold out house. last thursday, some buyers made an offer, we countered at full price, and they have verbally accepted it. we are supposed to hear back today if they signed or not. i am terrified of getting excited too soon, but part of me can't help it. on pins and needles here, people.

• my christmas present finally came! perfect timing too, since now i have school and homework to be working on. instead i have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go outside and learn how to use all the buttons on my camera. i've been having a good time and sometime in the near future will be starting a little business venture. let me know if you want me to practice on you or your family, fo' free!

• my sister-in-law and one of my best friends, who are the same person, found out that she is having a baby girl! the family had a big party to reveal the sex of the baby and we're all just so thrilled.

• i went out to lunch with a new friend of mine, who is one of those kindred spirits who doesn't feel like a new friend at all. we went for thai and spent an afternoon discussing terrible ex boyfriends, sex and our culture, and our shared passion for feminism- so basically all my favorite subjects. check out her blog sometime. and yes, it is quite possible for a devout LDS gal to associate with an atheist gal. WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY!?!?! no really, it's possible for two people with different beliefs to consider and respect each other's thoughts and maybe even, i don't know, learn something! plus we just had a really good time.

• travis went to counseling with me on friday. oh great, now this blog is going to become her PTSD journal. i had some pretty rough nights last week and in counseling, travis and i talked about how each of us deal with all that and some ways that travis can understand what's going on with me. going to probably blog about this more in detail later. basically, this bullet should illustrate how fantastic travis is and how amazing it is to be able to be open with another human being.

well, that's pretty much it for my exciting life. i'll probably just leave you with some pictures. cross your fingers about the house!

i have a pretty fantastic relationship with my father in law. (above)

is travis not SMOKIN' HOT!?

also, thanks melissa for the photo of travis and i.

i am a successful person.

i'm a successful person.
i almost always get what i want and work for.
(i am also usually pretty reasonable about what i want.)

i like to believe that if you work hard enough for something, you will eventually have it.

obviously, there are many things you can't have right when you want them.
i waited 10 years to have clear skin, which was something most people with acne would kill for.
having to wait for what you want most is awful, something i'm sure we can all agree on.

but it kills me, kills me, to play this waiting game with our house.

we work our butts off, remodeling, cleaning, remodeling more, yardworking. people stop by all the time and take our fliers. we have showings about once a week, which is a huge tease. then last week, we had someone call for a second showing, which is great news. they wanted to come back and see it again! maybe they liked it!

so we waited all week to hear back from their realtor, who just couldn't seem to find the time to call our realtor back. every day without an offer from them is like a balloon deflating more and more.

i am a successful person. so trying to sell our house and failing over and over is starting to destroy me.
and yes, i have heard people say not to take it personally. that you just have to wait it out, someone will come along and it will be the right fit.
yeah, i know this is part of the deal of selling your house. and i'm sure i sound like a whiner, not an adult. (which i don't feel like either...)

my motto of working hard to get what you want doesn't fit right now and sometimes i hate growing up and realizing things like this.

you know?

post script

not twenty minutes after that last post, i was making lunch in the kitchen, looked outside, and saw a strange middle aged, hawaiian shirt wearing, fattish, man walking through my backyard.

my first reaction- AHHH!! stomach drops, heart beat races, sympathetic nervous system activates, and i duck out of sight.

great. if someone ever does try to break into my house, i'm going to duck and hide? apparently i'm all about the flight, not the fight.

after i realize that the man is holding one of our for sale flyers and not a lethal weapon, i get really excited and stealthily watch him stare at our house. he walked all around, stood in front of the giant window, and stared inside for a few minutes, while i crouched behind the curtains, holding my breath...for some reason.

(it's my house, dang it! i shouldn't have to hide behind curtains. the sympathetic nervous system makes us do crazy things...)

the middle aged, fattish man did drive a brand new white corvette. maybe he's rich enough to buy our house?

and he should probably pay extra for those years he took off my life, skulking around my backyard like that.

dear corvette driving, stalking man: if you ever come across this post, i'm sorry for calling you fattish. and for that hawaiian shirt you were wearing.

between him and the young couple who parked in front of our house for 15 minutes the other night, i'm feeling all privacy slipping away.

5 things to know about selling a home

our house is for sale.

when we decided to sell our house, we thought, no big deal. our house is beautiful, in the desirable city of murray, in a great neighborhood. we'll sell it in no time.

yet, here we are, three months later, with the damn sign still sitting in the front yard.

i would like to share a few things i have learned about selling a house.

1. expect rejection and don't let it be personal.

after spending countless hours and thousands of dollars (of wedding money, i should add) making your house look gorgeous and feel homey, it can be hard to accept that someone else doesn't like it.

"but we redid the _____!"

"but the new windows and roof!"

no. not everyone likes your house enough to want to live there. yes, you chose nice colors and painted your door red, and spent way too much time on the landscaping. get over it.

2. keep the house clean at all times and don't be upset when you have to rearrange your day for a showing.

you might have your busy day all planned out to a tee. don't be surprised when your realtor sends you a text saying, "showing at 2?" and having to drop everything to mop, spray down, wipe off, and dust your house. don't be upset when the family viewing your house sticks around for an extra hour or two, when you have a test for your online class and really need your quiet office. don't be too bothered when you spend hours cleaning and then the family rejects your house ten minutes after the showing. hey, at least your house is consistently clean now.

3. get over the personal space issues.

strangers are going to come over and touch your stuff. (that was not meant to sound so dirty.) they will examine your closets and toilets. your showers will be scrutinized for cleanliness. your pantry and its contents will be judged. either take or hide the most valuable of items, and get over the idea of a stranger walking through your bedroom.

4. expect bad manners.

when you have a showing, you'll get excited. this is the one! you'll think to yourself. you'll watch from a distance, pretending to walk your dog, as their car pulls up and the family files into your house. you'll drive by as slowly as possible and creepily peer through your windows at them, trying to get a read on their reactions to your home. after they leave, you'll anxiously await hearing from your realtor to hear the verdict. the day will go by, and nothing. another day, and then another, and your realtor apologizes because their realtor hasn't returned his calls. your hopes will slowly die, and you'll forget your former optimism. you may even get strung along by a family who promises to write an offer, then takes three weeks and then offers $40 grand below your asking price. you have to expect these terrible manners and move forward.

5. don't stop loving your own home.

between wanting a new home in a new location, and hearing so many families reject your home, it can be easy to start resenting the home. it won't sell, it's not what you want anyway, it's a money pit, etc. you might start avoiding going home and spending time there because it's not what you, or apparently anyone else wants. even though you'll have to halt the work on the house, stop hanging pictures (because of the holes) and stop decorating, you should still appreciate the home for what it is and what it has taught you. enjoy and love your home, and keep praying and hoping that someday, someone, will see the home's potential and quality.

because it will happen.

eventually.

go here to view our MLS listing.