yeah, so do you ever have those days where your life has a theme? like, your life is a tv show, maybe on abc, fox, or HEAVEN FORBID, showtime!? and in every episode there is a different theme? love, loss, heartache, possibly passing your intern tests and becoming a resident at Seattle Grace? (sorry carling, i'm writing this right after reading your blurb about the sexy kathheig on grey's anatomy. i seriously am in love with her and how she has a slight double chin, something i'm pretty insecure about in myself. but i seriously digress here...)
like i was trying to say, days have themes sometimes. like on tuesday, how the theme of my life was slightly sexual vibes from unusual subjects. so yesterday, wednesday, the theme of my life became babies. and it's carried on to this morning at the gym. i'm really hoping it goes away soon, because as you all know, i'm absolutely terrified of having a baby.
babies are a sensitive subject for most people. obviously, a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, miracle. some people want them, some people don't want them. some people are having them around others who want them and it's painful. i can't begin to imagine how painful that has to be. some people, like me, are afraid of becoming mothers. worst part of being a newlywed for me: realizing that someday soon, there could be a chance i would accidentally get pregnant. somehow, this just didn't really hit until i was engaged and then i started freaking out and researching success rates for birth controls. having sex was pretty scary, for the obvious reasons a virgin with a teensy vagina would be scared, but also because now there was this big chance, well 1% chance, that a living being would take up residence in my uterus and demand a portion of my body, mind, time, life, and identity. which absolutely is horrifying for me to consider.
(for anyone who is pregnant and reading this, please don't let my fears interrupt the truly awesome work you are doing. seriously, i don't really respect anyone more than you.)
also, i am not, and have never been, a baby hater. i love kids. i'm actually pretty great with kids. they love me. i love them. me not being ready to birth one does not make me a heartless judas priest. we all have our fears, right?
ok. back to the theme of my day yesterday. i get to my child/adoles development class and the topic is: transitioning to parenthood.
wonderful.
we learned all about how marital satisfaction decreases, how 13% of couples separate before their babies are 18 months old, and all the stress placed on the new couple. how they have to face their differences that have never come up in their marriage. how actually, 90% of parents feel completely polarized from their partner after their first child is born. and ok, it's psychology, you can't take those studies and make them your bible or anything. but there has to be some truth behind all that work, right? (this is the part where, if you have had a baby, it would be great for you to tell me how it was for you.)
ok, so after hearing all this, things that i already freak out about pretty regularly, i went to my parents' house for dinner. travis is out of town for the week, working, so i have been hanging out with my mom. well, naturally we watched the latest episode of sister wives. because we like to marvel at the idea of sharing your husband with other women. funny thing, because most of the world associates mormons with polygamy, because our church practiced it briefly in its early years. i'm lds and i would consider myself pretty devoted. but i would not be down with sharing travis with another woman. well, unless it was that pretty girl who flirted with me the other day... just kidding.
well on this particular episode of sister wives, the newest wife gave birth. at home. in her bed. without drugs. my mom, who birthed all of us without the help of drugs, was impressed. i, on the other hand, was sweating, heart rate rising, almost crying of fear. not for the wife in the screen, but for me! i don't think i can do that! i don't know if i even want to do that!
then, this morning i went to my thursday kickbox class. one woman who goes just had a baby and i have been watching with interest how quickly she has lost the weight. i'm pretty chummy with the instructor and she knows i was recently married. so today, we are doing walking lunges and i was pretty tired. i wasn't using weights like the rest of the class, because it messes up my form and hurts my bad knees. she looked at my red face and asked, "are you doing ok?" i reassured her i was fine and then she gave me this knowing smile and said, "ooooohhhhhhh i get it. well be careful."
i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm pregnant.
for the rest of the class she kind of watched me and i wanted to yell, "NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! I'M JUST REALLY TIRED! MY BOOBS ARE EXTRA BIG BECAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD!"
i'm a huge freak, basically.
it's just really hard to wrap my head around the idea of having a baby. travis and i have been talking about when and if it will happen. i was thinking, maybe i'll be brave after i graduate and work for a bit. maybe like next fall or something. but then we are planning to go on a cruise next january and i don't want to be pregnant on a cruise. and when am i supposed to go to grad school? how am i supposed to fit all the things i want plus create life???
i cry about this sometimes. and yeah, i'm shallow. i don't want to mess up this body i've been sculpting for the past few years. i don't want to risk my acne coming back and dominating my life. i really like my life, just the way it is. sleeping in, afternoon lovin' and a nap, late nights with friends. a clean house. being able to come and go as i please.
but there is a small piece of me that wonders. could i do it? i think i would be a really great mom and travis was practically born to be dad.
ah, but breastfeeding. that freaks me out so much.
see, maybe i'm just not ready. maybe you moms out there could tell me about your experiences and your fears? and how it all turned out?
anyway, hoping the theme of my week changes soon, before these thoughts, plus finals finish me off for good. cheers!
Collette,
ReplyDeleteI think I have said this before.. but why were we not closer friends in High School?? Man, we think so much alike its scary! I can related 100% to everything you just said above about babies!! like to a T! :)
one day we will give in.. right? one day... lol
i think about this ALL THE TIME because i know for a fact that i definitely want kids, but trying to plan when in my life plan i could fit in being pregnant... it's like, i'm planning on going to law school, and when i graduate from law school i'll be 28 and really need to jump on starting my career, and i can't exactly start a job and then two months in be like, OH HEY! MATERNITY LEAVE KTHXBAI.
ReplyDeletebest part being, i'm not even married. or dating. or anything. yup. thanks, logic. thanks for abandoning me whenever i see babies with pigtails.
I think it all comes down to faith. I think every woman thinks the exact same thoughts you're thinking, I'd suggest praying about it and when it's time you'll know (no matter what's going on in your life or how hot your body looks.) Heck, I went to school and had just started the career I'd worked so hard for and was loving every minute but when I had my son I was excited to give it all up and spend every possible minute with him (definitely don't regret that either). Priorities tend to shift pretty quickly sometimes when little people steal your heart. AND your hot body... psh... you love competition so after a baby I'm sure you'll make it a goal to get that body back as much as possible. Plus, I'm sure while you're pregnant you'll continue exercising and eating healthy (that's my biggest goal for my next pregnancy after I've observed pregnant ladies at the gym now I know it is certainly possible).
ReplyDeleteAs far as your fear of actually having the child. I hear you girl! I was (and still am) terrified of child birth. I think Heavenly Father understands me well though because he blessed me with a c-section lol.
Basically though, pray about it and you'll know when it's the right time. Heavenly Father knows your heart and you very well and He knows when the right time will be. :)
Oh and one more thing my mom used to tell me all the time when I was pregnant and freaking about actually having the baby. She'd tell me that woman have been having babies ever since woman existed.... MILLIONS of woman... probably MILLIONS of woman much weaker and sissier than you. If they can do it, you DEFINITELY can do it!
melissa, thanks for the advice. even more than gaining weight, i'm afraid of what happens to travis and me. this is personal, so don't feel like you have to answer, but were things between you and russ still good? i mean, i'm sure things change for everyone, but did you guys have an easy time adjusting?
ReplyDeleteI think that we live in a state where there is intense pressure to marry and have children early. This pressure is derived from the views of the LDS Church, which isn't always a bad thing, but even non-members, such as this hardcore-atheist-gal, feel the pressure. You are young and newly married, and I think you need to explore that. You wouldn't want to resent a child for interrupting your lifestyle now. Live it up, you are young! Also, contrary to popular belief, you have time to procreate. I would talk to your gyno about when fertility rates actually drop for women to quell any of those weird, "what if I wait too long fears."
ReplyDeleteBasically, your fears are totally normal, and just because having babies works for some people, doesn't mean it will work for you. Conversely, just because not having babies worked for some people, doesn't mean that will work for you. I'd wait it out.
That response probably didn't make any sense.
Okay, i have some things to add...
ReplyDelete1. You will make a great mother. i know everyone says this to you, but as a mother myself, i can tell. Nobody gets pregnant and knows that they are going to do everything the right way, and if they do think that then they are sadly mistaken. Parenting is about being resourceful, creative and learning from mistakes. You wing it basically.
2. Life changes, a lot. But it's not so much about sacrificing the life youhave now as much as it's just a trade off, and a natural progression to the next step in life. Just like when you were first married, there is going to be an adjustment period that might be difficult, but it's part of life. Think back to a couple years ago when you were single....could you picture yourself being a wife right now and loving it?! Your whole life changed, but it changed for the better right? That's exactly what will happen again. When you have kids you will love them so much that it physically hurts, and you will look back at child less years and wonder how you ever lived without them. You will also look back and miss being able to go where you want, when you want, spend what money you want, and sleep when you want. But nothing will compare to the pay off.
3. You and Travis are going to be more stressed out and probably fight more, especially considering his introverted personality and your extroverted one (at least this has been my experience). You will learn so much more about each other though, and your bond will strengthen ten fold. Trust me, there is nothing sexier in a husband than when he gets up with the baby in the middle of the night or talks in baby talk to a newborn when he thinks you're not watching. Weird, i know, but you have to trust me on this. You learn each other's strengths and weaknesses ten fold, and when you learn to work as a team it is amazing. The arguments increase, but again, the pay off does as well.
4. The job situation will work itself out. It's scary to put that up to fate but try looking at like this.... you've gotten along so far without you having to work, and if you needed to stay home with the baby you still could. Or maybe you work part time, or at night, or from home. There are so many options
5. Talk to moms who have had to be creative or had kids in a unique situation.
6. If you try to nail down a date, and focus too much on timing you will drive yourself nuts. Some times things are going to be put on hold. What if you decided to wait just one extra year to go on that cruise..? You could get pregnant in the fall, have the baby in the spring, and six months later take a much needed vacation with travis to rest and reconnect. This would allow you too to focus on you as a couple again and take a breather from baby for a few days. Or, maybe you just wait two more years to have a baby! It's not like you are 35.
7. Bottom line is that almost all moms to be have to wing it when it comes to schedules, parenting, marriage. You can't really plan everything out because nothing ever goes according to plan. I can tell you this much....
- Have a monthly date night without baby and continue to shave your legs and brush your hair.
- ALWAYS carry an extra shirt for you, travis and a full change of clothes for baby,
- Keep snacks nearby at all times.
-continue working out as a stress reliever.
-take lots of pictures, because it FLIES by.
- sleep when the baby sleeps
- ask friends for help.
YOU WILL BE EXCELLENT!
oh p.s. you don't have to breast feed. Kids come out fine, when you don't, I promise.
ReplyDelete