PTSD and loud farts

last week was a little rough. school is kicking my butt, and overall last week i just felt insecure and anxious. my teacher docked five points from my orgasm paper, and i actually cried about it. those thoughts of you're a failure just wouldn't leave me be.

on the PTSD front, i'm also frustrated. i feel like i'm making progress with everything, but i just wonder sometimes what i expect and if it's realistic. i'm starting to realize that no amount of counseling with make everything from the past just disappear. when i first started counseling, it seemed like i was moving so fast, coming to terms with things, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. the past month, i feel like i've moved backwards. i'm still having panic attacks, i still have a hard time feeling like the people i love, love me back, and i have felt pretty alone. rationally, i know that healing doesn't happen all at once, and that this is normal, but i just want this to all be gone, like it never happened. which i know is impossible. i've talked a lot with my counselor about turning what happened to me into a positive thing, like being able to look at the strengths i have gained or at how i could help others who are dealing with sexual abuse. but last week i just felt beat up and like i'm going to be stuck in this place forever wondering why it had to happen and how i'm ever going to be ok.
but i guess just the fact that i was able to write all of that and understand that it's what i'm feeling, is a step in the right direction. right?

on a happier note, i do have a funny story. yesterday in sunday school, travis was teaching the lesson. he was doing a great job. then the autistic kid in our class decided to lay on the floor. which is completely fine. we love this kid and enjoy having him in our class. he's a huge teddy bear. so he's laying on the floor, on his belly, and we all smile just keep going with the lesson. a few minutes later, the sweet kid lets out this ten second long, extremely loud, ... fart. like one of the loudest ones i have ever heard in my life. all of us look around at each other, including the kid's older brother, and we just start laughing. not in a mean, making fun of way, but in a i can't believe how hilarious that was, ...way. the kid's older brother is really sweet with him, always helping him calm down. he's the kid in class who doesn't have his parents around and is being raised by grandparents. he is that kid who isn't wearing the coolest clothes, the kid who has probably seen things the others haven't. the other kids don't really get him and his sarcasm, and how he tries to act cool, like he's too cool for church. the other kids don't really include him, but i watch the way he treats his sweet autistic brother and my heart melts. i always try to talk to him and make sure he knows we love him. someday he'll grow up and hopefully realize that he didn't need to be the popular kid to be a wonderful person. you know?

also, i took my first official maternity pictures. seriously, this is all i want to do all the time. this family was so fun to work with and are just beautiful people.

life is hard. but life is also good and i'm so grateful for a loving support system, faith in Jesus Christ, and for our autistic kid's loud fart to help me remember not to be so uptight, and also that it's okay to laugh at ourselves and still love ourselves. you know?

xo