that time travis might be pregnant: worrying, rambling, and awkward jokes.

monday morning.
between my sprained back and travis waking up to run to the bathroom and puke all morning, we are in sorry shape.
"are you pregnant travis?!"
not funny.
i did the take-temperature-with-back-of-my-hand technique and he doesn't seem to be running a fever.
(don't you love our english language? if you have a fever you're running a fever. if you want to soak in a bathtub, you draw a bath. that's half the fun of taking a bath, that you get to say things like, "i'm going to draw a hot bath." rather, shall. other intelligent sounding words. )

but i digress.

i'm doing much better. i can move my head almost all the way around. like an owl. no, but i don't just have to rely on the rods in my peripheral vision to do my seeing for me, which is a huge relief since rods don't see color or detail very well. and yes, i'm studying for my sensation and perception class all the time.
if you're nerdy and like knowledge, check it out. {here}
if you've known that for your whole life, props.

so travis is sick. but i don't think he has a fever; i think he ate something yucky. yucky. i'm practicing my momspeak, since travis is pregnant and all.

when i was sick growing up, it was almost a treat. skip school, lay on the couch with full remote control power, and trays of food brought to you. blue popscicles for sore throats, homemade chicken noodle soup for the flu. mom rubbing your back to help you fall asleep. moms are the best.

the other day before travis took me to instacare, i asked him to help me get dressed, which he was pretty good at, and let's be honest, how different is that from taking my clothes off, which he has real talent for. but then when i asked him to help me put my hair in a ponytail, he was pretty confused. it took a few tries and he was very gentle, afraid to hurt my head. which reminded me of the few times my mom wasn't around to do my hair before school in elementary school. my dad getting frustrated and my hair looking terrible. to his credit, my dad is bald and has been since i was young.

i'm not even sure what i'm trying to get at here. it was just interesting to sleep at my parents' house and let them baby me all weekend. i hadn't slept there since before i was married. my mom had to work all weekend and my dad ended up being the one to sit with me at the doctor's, to bring me lunch on a tray, and to make sure i took enough drugs and drank enough water. my mom rubbed the knots out of my back and let me read her copy of mockingjay, even though she had been waiting all week to get a chance to read it. i have a hard time letting people do things for me. it's difficult for me to open up, even to the people i love, but it was amazing to feel the love my family has for me. i guess ever since i was 18 and moved out, i have liked to picture myself as this independent woman, who can take care of everything herself. it was kinda nice to lean on my parents again.

there isn't a point to this. i'm just thankful for my family and my parents. last night travis and i were talking, about the future, the past, and i asked him what he would do if i never feel ready to have a baby. (if it seems like anxiety about having babies dominates a large part of my life, it's because it does. but my sister in law is expecting and we had seen them earlier that night, which led to discussion about the future, me working, if i would want to keep working, etc.) travis told me i need to stop worrying about it. yeah, right. i guess part of why i worry so much is that i don't think i could handle my child going through what i had to deal with. and feeling responsible for all of that. i have a hard enough time with feeling protective of every girl i know and feeling like i have to keep bad things from happening to them. how will i ever handle being responsible for my own? making sure she respects herself, and believes in herself, and never lets anyone use her.
and then if it's a boy, how do i make sure he never treats a girl the way i was treated?
(and yes, i know that men/boys are often victims of assault, harassment, bullying, etc. too. and that women/girls can be perps, too. just covering mah bases here.)

yeah, yeah, yeah. same old stuff right?

some days i just think, maybe if i just get pregnant, i'll be able to face everything and stop worrying. worrying is way worse than actually dealing with fears. maybe.
then i remember the IUD being lodged in my uterus, and there IS NO WAY THAT THING IS COMING OUT.

my dad has always told me to enjoy the ride of life. just enjoy each stage and stop sprinting to the next one. but i'm a goal oriented person. how does a person work toward their goals, but still enjoy the journey it takes to get there?

omg, is that the secret?

i think that's enough babbling.
i'm going to go check on my puke-y man and make sure he's doin' okay.
here's to a week of enjoying the journey. even if the journey means moving out, sleeping at the inlaws', writing a major paper, and trudging to school in the snow. uphill. barefoot.

cheers!

january happenings

last week was crazy.
a lot of great things happened all at once. i'm going to bullet them out for your convenience.

• school started. this semester is my final battle before finally scoring that pesky bachelor's degree. i am taking 13 credits, and my classes are extremely interesting. i have cognitive psych, sensation and perception, abnormal psych, and research methods. these are classes i don't really have any background knowledge in, and this freaks me out, mostly because i like to be the "smart" person in class. yeah, i'm that person. but it's also humbling and interesting to learn things that are completely new, yes? yes. even if it means glaring jealous daggers at the girl in sensation and perception who has gorgeous skin, cool tattoos, and rocks her hot, mulletish hair while answering every question our professor throws out. correctly. and then spouts comments that make him say this, every time, "oh how very interesting. i have never thought about it that way before." ahhh jealousy.

• my mom found a job! my dad has been out of work for a few months now. he works with the stock market and the fund that he traded for shut down. so while he is working on building up business, my mom has renewed her teaching license and been job hunting, along with subbing, teaching music, and creating her own vocal school. (she is making bank from this.) she found a great job this week and i'm so proud of her.

• umm, we may have sold out house. last thursday, some buyers made an offer, we countered at full price, and they have verbally accepted it. we are supposed to hear back today if they signed or not. i am terrified of getting excited too soon, but part of me can't help it. on pins and needles here, people.

• my christmas present finally came! perfect timing too, since now i have school and homework to be working on. instead i have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go outside and learn how to use all the buttons on my camera. i've been having a good time and sometime in the near future will be starting a little business venture. let me know if you want me to practice on you or your family, fo' free!

• my sister-in-law and one of my best friends, who are the same person, found out that she is having a baby girl! the family had a big party to reveal the sex of the baby and we're all just so thrilled.

• i went out to lunch with a new friend of mine, who is one of those kindred spirits who doesn't feel like a new friend at all. we went for thai and spent an afternoon discussing terrible ex boyfriends, sex and our culture, and our shared passion for feminism- so basically all my favorite subjects. check out her blog sometime. and yes, it is quite possible for a devout LDS gal to associate with an atheist gal. WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY!?!?! no really, it's possible for two people with different beliefs to consider and respect each other's thoughts and maybe even, i don't know, learn something! plus we just had a really good time.

• travis went to counseling with me on friday. oh great, now this blog is going to become her PTSD journal. i had some pretty rough nights last week and in counseling, travis and i talked about how each of us deal with all that and some ways that travis can understand what's going on with me. going to probably blog about this more in detail later. basically, this bullet should illustrate how fantastic travis is and how amazing it is to be able to be open with another human being.

well, that's pretty much it for my exciting life. i'll probably just leave you with some pictures. cross your fingers about the house!

i have a pretty fantastic relationship with my father in law. (above)

is travis not SMOKIN' HOT!?

also, thanks melissa for the photo of travis and i.

vegetarian sexcapades

it's autumn.

i'm in slight denial.

i keep believing it's going to be 95 degrees again and that i still have time to go to the pool and bake my skin to golden brown.

but the crispness of the air and the changing leaves are unavoidable. and it gets dark at 7 and the sun isn't up until 7:30 in the morning.

plus it does this!:

yes, i'm aware my roses need trimming and weeding. iris grove, 
our neighbor, reminds me all the time.

but on the other hand, we did go to a gorgeous fall-themed wedding this week at Sundance Resort. the leaves were all changing and the ceremony was held in a room with giant windows and mason jars with candles inside hanging from the rafters. the groom was a fireman travis works with, the one who was his mentor during the cadet program. their wedding was intricately planned and very fancy shmancy. i could barely pronounce what was served for dinner. (some kind of apple glaze over rack of pork.)

anyhow, it was great fun to see all the fireman in actual dress clothes, although they still acted like overgrown children for the most part. (something travis tells me is part of the job description and something i really love.) when it was time to eat, they seated all the fireman in the back of the room, naturally, and i didn't know most of the people at our table and we were easily the youngest. i picked up the dinner menu, noticing a vegetarian option. travis likes to tease our sister in law who is vegetarian, so i showed him the menu and said, loudly, "oh look travis, you can have your vegetarian dinner option!" and i may have taken a tone suggesting that vegetarians are ridiculous. (which isn't at all what i think, but i was trying to make travis laugh.)

travis's eyes got big and he flicked his gaze to the older couple sitting next to me.

little did i know, i had been seated next to the new battalion chief and his wife, who are, you guessed it, strict vegetarians.

and they had definitely heard my witty little comment.

fast forward to last night:

i recently found out that one of my good friends is pregnant! we stopped by their house to congratulate them and found that her inlaws had stopped by too.

in the midst of talking nausea and sex of the baby, her mother-in-law goodnaturedly joked that my friend had informed her the possible conception site of the baby, a place that could be considered inappropriate by some. i already knew about this, and figured everyone else in the room did, too. so i said the place out loud.

oh don't worry.

i'm sure her father-in-law really did want to know about their risky sexcapade.

after all, what is family for, if not to be extra close to one another.

turns out my foot in mouth syndrome hasn't healed up yet.

i think i'll just start hanging this picture in breast reduction clinics all over the salt lake valley.

happy fall time!

garden wombs

it's march. which means...

my garden is blooming!

i have been having dreams all winter that the flowers bloom and are as big as my head and a little alice in wonderland-esque. they aren't quite that big yet, but travis and i peek outside several times a day, checking to see what else has popped up.

also, yesterday i was getting dressed, put on a shirt i hadn't worn in a while, and it seemed a bit tight around the midsection. the scale says i'm not gaining weight, but the shirt disagrees. so of course i freaked out, thinking i had to be pregnant. i took a pregnancy test that is supposed to take three minutes to decide, and it declared my womb empty after about 2 seconds. poof! red minus sign before the pee even had a chance to cool. ...(sorry...)

so basically the garden outside is blooming while the garden in my uterus is pretty boring. :)

ehem.

blooming in the womb- alan schwartz

the human pregnancy test

the camera usb is stil mia. so use your imagination. it's getting late and travis is at work. for another day and night after this. im getting better at being alone. less jumping at the noises the furnace makes and less running through the house avoiding looking at the windows in case someone is looking in at me. i have even killed a few spiders all by myself.

a woman at church said something that really hit me. she said, "it's easy to feel like the men in our lives should have to take care of us all the time. and they should. but we should never let ourselves become helpless." travis does so much for me and takes such good care of us that sometimes i have to remind myself- take out the trash. go to the bank. carry the heavy box upstairs without asking for help. these are all things i used to do for myself without thinking twice, but after being married to someone who does them for me, i have become spoiled. so i have been trying to be better about this.

good things happened last week. so our front yard, as previously mentioned, was a wreck. we were pretty much the trash of the neighborhood, yeah yeah. so travis ripped out the giant bushes and my mom and i pulled weeds, (and i totally threw out a bunch of bulbs before i knew what they were; how horrifying is my lack of earth knowledge!?) and a sweet, sweet neighbor gave me about $200 worth of starts for a garden. We planted lilacs, mums, peonies, pansies, bulbs to replace the others, creeping jenny, lilies, and so many other names i can't remember. but now i am so impatient for spring to come so everything can bloom and all our hard work will show. side note: working with earth really does things for the spirit. the earth is such a metaphor for the bigger picture of life and why we are here. and how blessed are we to have such a beautiful place to live and the choice to improve our situation, where ever we may be.

ok back to the good things that happened last week. travis, his dad, (aka manwel, or "the help") and his brother ryan put up crown molding and the baseboards. we arranged the furniture in the front room and i have grand grand ideas. the budget doesn't quite cover them, but money can't keep me from dreaming. :)

also, we went to the best concert i have ever seen. ingrid michaelson put on such a great show! as a vocalist, hearing someone with a voice like hers was a treat indeed. and music brings such beautiful, intimate feelings. being there with travis was beyond wonderful.

speaking of travis, we have been married for three months. can i just tell you that even though sometimes being married is tough and i have had a serious identity crisis, it has already been worth every moment of hard and that i am happier than i have ever been. travis, thank you for being so patient and loving me. this man really is superman.

i know im just blabbering about this and that, but give me a break, im alone and full of words.

so funny story.

if you know me well, you know about my great fear of pregnancy and motherhood. the fact that getting pregnant is so out of my control (birth control methods can only do so much) just freaks me out. so, naturally, i take pregnancy tests regularly. just so im never surprised.

well last friday on date night, travis and i had to make a pit stop at fresh market/albertsons (rip) to buy a pregnancy test because i was doing the freak out. we searched all over the store for the "family planning" section. ha ha very funny advertising. very funny. asking for that section of the store is humiliating. and if i were looking for condoms or lube it wouldn't be embarrassing. it's the pregnancy test thing that is embarrassing. the employee always looks at my abdomen. even if i were pregnant, at this point you couldn't tell genius! at least be sneaky about it.

so we find the thing and stand in line. awkwardly. the cashier looks at our find and asks, "how are you folks doing tonight?" travis, always snarky, replies, "look at what we are buying; how do you think we are doing?" and then i have to add my two cents. always the competition with us. "yeah especially since we just broke up."

a few people turn to look at us. and i can't stop the word vomit. "plus i haven't even graduated from high school yet." as i didn't have any eye makeup on, i did look about 16.

the cashier looked nervous, but travis reassured her that i was kidding and that we are, in fact, married. so it would be ok for us to need a pregnancy test.

then she looks me in the eye. "so how late are you?" then it's my turn to fumble for words. "oh i haven't... i mean im just paranoid about it..." then she grabs my wrist. and feels my pulse. "uh huh. hmmm. yup. you're pregnant." i start making noises of disbelief. "no, i did this with both of my daughters," she claims. "come back and tell me."

and then we're walking out the door, me yelling back to her that she can't know, she's messing with me. and naturally i obsessed about it until i started my period two nights ago. sweet relief.

anyway. life is sweet here in our little red brick house with the pansies and lilies. thanks for listening to my ramblings. love, cbaby.