that time travis might be pregnant: worrying, rambling, and awkward jokes.

monday morning.
between my sprained back and travis waking up to run to the bathroom and puke all morning, we are in sorry shape.
"are you pregnant travis?!"
not funny.
i did the take-temperature-with-back-of-my-hand technique and he doesn't seem to be running a fever.
(don't you love our english language? if you have a fever you're running a fever. if you want to soak in a bathtub, you draw a bath. that's half the fun of taking a bath, that you get to say things like, "i'm going to draw a hot bath." rather, shall. other intelligent sounding words. )

but i digress.

i'm doing much better. i can move my head almost all the way around. like an owl. no, but i don't just have to rely on the rods in my peripheral vision to do my seeing for me, which is a huge relief since rods don't see color or detail very well. and yes, i'm studying for my sensation and perception class all the time.
if you're nerdy and like knowledge, check it out. {here}
if you've known that for your whole life, props.

so travis is sick. but i don't think he has a fever; i think he ate something yucky. yucky. i'm practicing my momspeak, since travis is pregnant and all.

when i was sick growing up, it was almost a treat. skip school, lay on the couch with full remote control power, and trays of food brought to you. blue popscicles for sore throats, homemade chicken noodle soup for the flu. mom rubbing your back to help you fall asleep. moms are the best.

the other day before travis took me to instacare, i asked him to help me get dressed, which he was pretty good at, and let's be honest, how different is that from taking my clothes off, which he has real talent for. but then when i asked him to help me put my hair in a ponytail, he was pretty confused. it took a few tries and he was very gentle, afraid to hurt my head. which reminded me of the few times my mom wasn't around to do my hair before school in elementary school. my dad getting frustrated and my hair looking terrible. to his credit, my dad is bald and has been since i was young.

i'm not even sure what i'm trying to get at here. it was just interesting to sleep at my parents' house and let them baby me all weekend. i hadn't slept there since before i was married. my mom had to work all weekend and my dad ended up being the one to sit with me at the doctor's, to bring me lunch on a tray, and to make sure i took enough drugs and drank enough water. my mom rubbed the knots out of my back and let me read her copy of mockingjay, even though she had been waiting all week to get a chance to read it. i have a hard time letting people do things for me. it's difficult for me to open up, even to the people i love, but it was amazing to feel the love my family has for me. i guess ever since i was 18 and moved out, i have liked to picture myself as this independent woman, who can take care of everything herself. it was kinda nice to lean on my parents again.

there isn't a point to this. i'm just thankful for my family and my parents. last night travis and i were talking, about the future, the past, and i asked him what he would do if i never feel ready to have a baby. (if it seems like anxiety about having babies dominates a large part of my life, it's because it does. but my sister in law is expecting and we had seen them earlier that night, which led to discussion about the future, me working, if i would want to keep working, etc.) travis told me i need to stop worrying about it. yeah, right. i guess part of why i worry so much is that i don't think i could handle my child going through what i had to deal with. and feeling responsible for all of that. i have a hard enough time with feeling protective of every girl i know and feeling like i have to keep bad things from happening to them. how will i ever handle being responsible for my own? making sure she respects herself, and believes in herself, and never lets anyone use her.
and then if it's a boy, how do i make sure he never treats a girl the way i was treated?
(and yes, i know that men/boys are often victims of assault, harassment, bullying, etc. too. and that women/girls can be perps, too. just covering mah bases here.)

yeah, yeah, yeah. same old stuff right?

some days i just think, maybe if i just get pregnant, i'll be able to face everything and stop worrying. worrying is way worse than actually dealing with fears. maybe.
then i remember the IUD being lodged in my uterus, and there IS NO WAY THAT THING IS COMING OUT.

my dad has always told me to enjoy the ride of life. just enjoy each stage and stop sprinting to the next one. but i'm a goal oriented person. how does a person work toward their goals, but still enjoy the journey it takes to get there?

omg, is that the secret?

i think that's enough babbling.
i'm going to go check on my puke-y man and make sure he's doin' okay.
here's to a week of enjoying the journey. even if the journey means moving out, sleeping at the inlaws', writing a major paper, and trudging to school in the snow. uphill. barefoot.

cheers!

my wild spring break of poppin' pills and photographing softcore kissing couples.

this week was spring break.
these sentences are going to be short and choppy.
i took over 2,000 pictures.
go {here} to see some of them. especially if you enjoy pretty brides, loving couples, or guitars.
this picture might be my favorite. (no offense to anyone in the pictures i took this week.)

i slept in to outrageously late times. (10:30am, which is the latest i have slept in like, forev.)
i ate the most amazing tamales from this taco stand on the corner of 7th west and 53th south. right by smith's. seriously, go there right now for their pork tamales and try the green salsa made with tomatillos, avocados, and cilantro in the big blue cooler. they are only ONE DOLLAR and they only sell tamales on friday and saturday. go now, thank me later.
i packed up my house. there are boxes everywhere. it is a disaster. i love it.
i didn't study. at all.
i went to the gym every day until thursday. that was the morning i woke up at 6am because i was in such intense pain. travis took me to instacare. turns out i sprained my back and shoulder, most likely at my weightlifting class wednesday morning. i have been laying down for three days straight. i am going insane. i have these giant muscle relaxer/horse pills/ tranquillizers that taste awful going down but turn my muscles to mush which lets me sleep relatively pain free. as long as i hold completely still.
my parents have been babysitting me taking care of me since travis had to go out of town for work and then go to the fire station this morning. they have been feeding me copious amounts of gourmet food, which they cook. plus my dad brings me mugs full of chocolate malt almond custard from nielson's custard, another place you should go right now. and bring me back some. my mom bakes gluten-free cookies. she uses blended oats that she blends in her blender instead of flour. and they are AMAZING. will post the recipe sometime soon. i am back to being able to dress myself and shower, so that's a relief. no heavy lifting anytime soon, which is convenient considering we are moving out next weekend.
so i'm not allowed to work out for a few weeks and i am gorging myself on breaded pork chops, homemade chicken and noodles, frozen custard, and cookies.
but the good news is i finally got brave enough to check test scores from before spring break.
i'm going to graduate on may 4th. all semester i have been terrified of failing a class or getting below a C anyway, and not being able to graduate. i didn't fail my tests, in fact, i aced them. except one that i did not ace, but i did pass well above failing.

oh and by the way,
WE ARE MOVING TO DAYBREAK.
DID I MENTION HOW AWESOME THAT IS?
it's been almost a full year of dreaming, house shopping, house selling, and living on hold in a house that never felt like home to either of us.
to say we are excited even it it's said like this: WE ARE EXCITED is not enough.

oh and also, a few of my friends have posted about happiness and depression and if you're into that, you should go {here} and {here}.  awesome.

oh another thing i did this week, re-read the first two hunger games books and i am now almost done with the third one. and travis reminds me so much of peeta, sosososo much, with his unfailing love and dedication and goodness. you guys do that too right, insert your loved ones into books and then you love the characters even more? can't wait to see the movie, but gonna be super sad when i'm done with book three tonight. :( kinda mopy and homesick? you know.

also, we were told that we don't need to teach sunday school anymore, since we are moving soon. for the first time in over a year and a half, i'm not planning a lesson or baking treats for my class. kinda relieved to have one less responsibility, but pretty sad about it, too. for all things a season, right?

ok, i think that's enough jibber jabbering. which reminds me of the poem i had to memorize in 5th grade, lewis carroll's the jabberwocky. which you should read. jeez, bossy much?

i really don't think the muscle relaxers have much effect on me, but after re-reading this post, maybe they do? i have to blame this strange mood on something, right?

have a lovely st pat's and if you are in the market for tranquillizers/horse pills, i have a whole bottle and student loans to pay off...

(seriously, just kidding, it's probably not safe to post stuff like that online.)

KIRK OUT
 xo

i dont do mustaches.

if you know me well, you know that i don't do mustaches.
not on guys i used to date. not on actors i think are attractive. not on travis.

not on me.

 observe.
and yes, that hair came off of my upper lip.
about a year ago, i bought a razor. not a gillette man shaver, but a dainty little silver and purple bejeweled trimmer. thing. (because if it's dainty and cute, it makes it "ok" for women to shave. wth?)  i eagerly buzzed the fuzz on my upper lip just in time for travis to get home. i stared at him, pushing my upper lip out for him to behold my newfound smoothness.
"notice anything...different?" i inquired. 
"what are you doing?" he asked, a bit nervously, glancing at my puffed out mouth. "why do you look guilty?"
"my mustache! it's gone!" i proclaimed.
he didn't believe me. so i saved the hair from about a month and a half's growth to show him. the proof's in the puddin' right?

remember how travis and i pee in front of each other? yeah well, i also apparently flaunt my facial hair in front of him, too. sexy right?

anyway, as i was saying, mustaches = no. so when travis came home yesterday looking like this:

this is an older picture and his mustache was a bit more caterpillar-esque 

 when he came home looking like this, i was appalled. an then he tried to rub it on me. it just feel so wrong, having only the top half prickly and the bottom half smooth. it's not natural.
"but it's mustache march baby!" he insisted. "i'm growing it out."

before we were married, the subject of mustaches came up. i vowed to myself and then to travis, that i would never have relations with a mustache. no matter how desperate, i could say no. and yesterday was no different. after he told me he was growing it out, i reminded him of my rule: mustache = no lovin'.
"well i guess we'll just have to see who's more stubborn." he said.

i'm sure you can guess how the story ends.
i'm still a mustache virgin.
i don't care how trendy they are,  i'm not into porn stars and i don't kiss pedophiles.

that sounds so wrong. this whole post is really creepin' me out.

in other, non-creepy news, travis and i have a nice collections of boxes and we are going to start packing up our life tomorrow. the buyers want to sign earlier than we thought, which is fine by me, so it's time to load our lives into a trailer. and in three weeks we will be in the new house!

also, i took my first newborn/baby pictures today. {go here}

also, three more classes and spring break begins!!

hope your marches find you and yours clean shaven.
xo

BIG NEWS

just heard some news from our realtor.

the house we made an offer on last saturday, the house of my dreams, that house, they accepted our offer!

i just faxed a giant cashier's check and some documents over.

so we ARE UNDER CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!

i don't think i need to tell you how excited i am.
isn't she beautiful? 

stole this picture from the real estate website

overwhelmed with gratitude right now. it's been almost a full year since we decided we wanted to sell our house in murray and move to daybreak. there were so many letdowns along the way! but the timing couldn't have been more perfect, us selling our house just in time to get our tax return that would help us make a down payment. and the fact that there are changes coming to FHA loans, thingy technical terms i don't understand- that are making it more expensive to buy a home. we needed to have a file open by april 1st to make sure we still qualified for the old rates. the fact that interest rates are even lower than when we started looking. not to mention this house is way better than all the other ones we thought we wanted.

i'm still a little worried that if i post this, i'll jinx us and it won't work out.
but the only thing we have left to do with our house is pack up and sign the closing documents. the buyers have already paid their earnest money and done every inspection and appraisal needed. they aren't going anywhere. and we are officially under contract with this house and will be closing by the end of the month!

how am i going to focus on studying for my test now???

things really do work out the way they are supposed to. pretty incredible that God blesses us even when we have doubts. pretty thankful.

good grief, have a fantastic week!!!!
xo

no, i didn't ask if we could watch a porno, i just wanted to talk about my research project: the time i upped the rating in my research methods class

hola.
just a few items of business, and then i would like to start today's topic, which involves my teacher, a grown man, being uncomfortable writing the word 'genitals' on the board in front of our class. 

first item of business.
if you're into pregnancy, ideas about souls, and sage advice, check out my dear friend's post. she's an AMAZING writer and the rest of her blog is pretty outstanding, too.

second item of business.
we went house shopping again today and made an offer an a brand spankin' new, deep red, two story cottage home. with a big porch. and a separate dining room. and a huge tub in the master bath. (i'm being super descriptive because i didn't take a picture of the outside.) yeah, pretty in love with this house. it's not a short sale, so there is more hope than the blue house, which we still have an offer on. the kitchen is my DREAM kitchen, white cabinets, laminate wood floors, granite counter tops, and there are all these cute nooks and crannies everywhere that lend a very cozy feel to the house. just waiting til monday to find out if they accepted our offer. all went well with our home's appraisal, so i assume the appraiser is still alive and well. phew! but anyway, this could be it folks.

okay, i believe that is it for business. now onto the story.
there are many things that bother me about our culture and the role women play. these are some of them i have been pondering this past week. this list includes, but is certainly not limited to:

• when a couple gets engaged, the woman is the only one who wears the ring during the engagement. why is she the only one who is publicly "off the market" when interacting with strangers. 
• linguistic issues like, when a man and woman are married, he is still a Mr but now she has changed from a Miss to a Mrs. we automatically know she is married when we hear her name, but his is still the same. he didn't have to change at all. (this also relates to my issue with our custom of the woman taking the man's surname. doesn't it all go back to the wife being property of her husband? *also, if you are married and changed your last name, i am not trying to say you let yourself become property, as this isn't exactly the case anymore; these are just things about our culture that bother me.*)
• this. (thanks alyssa.)
• the fact that on how i met your mother, the main male roles play a lawyer and an architect, and the main female roles play a kindergarten teacher and a news reporter. way to stick those female characters in "gender appropriate" jobs there, how i met your mother.

ok that's enough. travis probably gets pretty tired of my ongoing critique of the world.

but something that really, really bothered me was what went down in my most recent research methods class. 

on thursday night, i was sitting through my research methods class. we were talking about the different statistics used to analyze the data from our "studies" (the fake ones we are doing.) on tuesday, we talked about stats and i actually started to cry. in class. don't think anyone but the teacher noticed, but still, on thursday, i was determined not to get upset, but to have some faith in myself. and also to get all the help i could from the class and teacher.
so our teacher asks if any of us would be wiling to discuss our "study" with the class to practice figuring out which stats to use. i immediately raised my hand and professor patrick-dempsey-look-alike said mine could go second.
the first girl's "study" was about child sexual abuse in sex offenders, which, seemed to me, to be a pretty intense topic. the atmosphere in the room changed while we discussed her IVs and DVs. i'm sure a nice share of the people in the room have personal experience with sexual abuse. but her study was all in the name of science soft science, so we learned from it and moved on. nothing personal.
so then professor demps looks at me and says, "well guys, i think we had a good example. we don't need another one do we?"
"actually i really think we do." i said. the class agreed that they needed more examples. professor demps looked nervous. "ok we can do collette's, but... " he glanced around at the class. "it's going to take the rating level of the class up a notch, so if any of you feel uncomfortable, feel free to leave."

ok, so the topic of women and orgasm took the rating level up a notch, but sexual abuse was no big deal? i mean, good grief, it wasn't like i was going to talk about my personal experience with the subject. it wasn't like i wanted to broadcast a porno.

with the class staring me down, i explained my independent variables of genital labeling and then incomplete sexual education. prof demps, who likes to write on the board when teaching, hesitated at the word 'genital.' he skipped it entirely and wrote "labeling." he then repeated his earlier statement, "if anyone feels uncomfortable, you can leave."
i started getting a little heated. "they're just body parts." i said. "we all have genitals." the class laughed, albeit a little nervously.
the professor didn't understand what i mean about incomplete sex education. he wanted to make two groups: those who had sex ed and those who didn't.
"that kind of defeats my whole point." i told him. "sex ed doesn't teach girls about their bodies and what the organs actually do. for example, they teach about the ovaries and the fallopian tubes, but not about..." i paused, unsure of whether or not i could say "clitoris."

in a college class, talking about my thesis, with grown ups, i wasn't sure i was "allowed" to say the medical term for one of the female body parts.

the rest of the time, my teacher was awkwardly avoiding saying the word 'orgasm' and at one point even said, "i guess i'm demonstrating why a study like this needs to be done, huh?" he kept asking me, "is there really a body of research you can draw from to back your study?"
 yes, actually there are other people out there who think it is important for women to be educated about their bodies and about their own abilities.
 toward the end, i was feeling embarrassed and defensive. "look guys, it's 2012, it's okay for us to talk about this. women need to feel comfortable talking about this!"

during the break at 7:30, a few of the women in the class came up to me in the bathroom and told me they thought my "study" was awesome and that they fully supported that kind of thing. but when we were in class, with a male professor leading a discussion about female orgasm, a topic he felt "upped the rating of the class" no one said a word. 

a little unbelievable right? i figured that in a liberal arts major, with the majority of my teachers making unprofessional comments about "the mormons" and religion and having to sit through all of that, i would be safe enough asking for help on my assignment involving sexuality and women, which is sadly, considered a pretty liberal topic. sad that educating women about their amazing bodies is still taboo.

anyway, that's my rant.
keeping my soapbox with me at all times lately.
 

lunch for two

first off, check out the beautiful flowers travis brought me today. 

 between the cold, the period, and all around stress, these flowers were a cheery pick-me-up. 

of course the flowers had to go on the table for our lunch for two. 

travis and i have been spoiled this four off. 

i've skipped two classes and he hasn't had to work his other jobs. 
so we have spent almost two whole days together. 

then last night, travis decreed that today would be a "day of dates" 

kicked off by us going to the belgian waffle to use our coupon,

then watching how i met your mother all morning long, 

then having our "lunch for two,"

and tonight we are going to the red iguana 2 and to a movie.

tomato basil gnocchi lunch for two 

1 1/2 cups gnocchi 

two roma tomatoes 

olive oil 

basil, parley, salt, pepper

garlic

asparagus 

butter 

boil the gnocchi for 3-4 minutes, or until they are floating to the top of the pot. then drain. slice up tomatoes, saving the juices. saute garlic in olive oil, then add tomatoes, basil, parsley, s&p, and gnocchi. let simmer for 10-15 minutes, stirring frequently. steam asparagus, add butter, s&p. all the simmering gives the tomatoes a "stewed" feel.

(asparagus is 97 cents at the Sunflower Market right now!! it's pretty much the only vegetable i eat this time of year because it's so fresh and cheap.)

quick and easy lunch, vegetarian, and healthy.

the time i poisoned our appraiser

today was a long awaited day for travis and me. today was the day our house was appraised. supposedly tomorrow we close...? but their realtor, who is seriously insane, is convinced we don't close til the end of march.

anyway. it's never for sure in this house selling business, but back to the story.

our realtor texted me yesterday asking if wednesday at 1:30 worked for the appraisal. i was thrilled, because travis would actually be home for something having to do with selling the house. as fate would have it, he's always at work when there are showings, house inspections, or realtor walk-throughs, and thus, all duty and responsibility rests upon my small, too-young-for-this, shoulders.

so today, i let travis answer the door when the appraiser came over. i felt free to lay on the couch and study for the test i have in roughly an hour, and let the hot rice bag sit on my uterus and do its magic work on my terrible cramps. thanks so much copper iud. i hear the guy come in, not take off his shoes, tsk, and talk to travis in a deep manly voice. turns out he just finished paramedic school and recognized travis from when travis taught in his class. (one of travis's various occupations is teaching paramedic school at the university of utah, i know, badass.) distracted from my notecards displaying things like, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, suicide, (super fun, yeah?) i listen as travis asks the appraiser if he thinks our home will appraise high enough for the underwriter to give his stamp of approval. since i have done almost all of the face-to-face work of selling our home, i feel a little responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly.
"what all have you guys done remodel wise?" i hear the appraiser ask.
travis starts listing things. "well, new roof, windows, tile,"
i'm going crazy worrying if he's going to get it all, so i start yelling things out.
travis- "oh don't mind my wife, she's just in there studying."
oh yeah, i guess that 's weird for a voice to just start yelling out things like, "garbage disposal, insulation in the attic!" right?
the appraiser yells hello, and i tell him we have cookies in case he takes bribes. he politely laughs and says he does. then he goes about his business, looking in all the rooms. the appraiser has a magnificent soul patch, and when he's not looking, travis and i waggle our fingers under our lips to silently mock the appraiser's facial growth. yep, grownups.
oh also, i hadn't showered, and i kinda forgot to put on a bra. until the appraiser got there and then i felt super awkward. red shirt, red sweats, mismatched socks, and unbrushed hair. lookin' pretty fine, i must say.
so at the end, he and travis were talking in the kitchen, and i decided it was time to offer a cookie. i did not bake these cookies, as i never bake because i am always at school, but some sweet ladies in my neighborhood had dropped them off. i had taken a bite of one earlier, and then put it back onto the plate, because i'm gross like that, and i remembered this as i was pulling out the plate. i strategically opened the saran wrapped side across from my bite-taken-cookie, hoping he would never see it.
of course he reaches in, past the huge cookie i wanted him to grab, and his hand lands right on my cookie.
of course, i don't say anything, not about the bite, or the terrible cold i have, no i just watch in slow motion fashion as the man who has a huge say in whether or not our house sells smoothly, picks the cookie that could potentially end his life. 

ha, ha, just a joke. but it could give him a nasty cold. plus what's going to happen when he looks down and sees teeth marks in a crescent moon shape disrupting the circular flow of that beautiful chocolate peanut butter goodness??? 
i never saw him put it in his mouth. he kind of awkwardly carried it in the palm of his hand and i awkwardly followed him around, waiting to see what would happen. because by then, it was too late. travis kept looking at me, obviously not understanding the "I JUST MESSED UP" eyes i was shooting him.
until i told him in a whisper after the appraiser left.
because what if the appraiser had supersonic whale ears (?) and was standing on our porch, listening!?!

can you tell i have been studying abnormal psychology all week? yeah reading all those symptoms of "crazy people" and here i am in my red sweats, wild guilty eyes, poisoning our appraiser....