Wednesday, June 7, 2017

same old new.

so it would appear that along with many other parts of being a "mommy" i also suck at mommy blogging- keeping up with our life through my blog, talking about remy's phases, blah blah blah.
to me "mommy" things are a lot of things i struggle with.
i'm not good at having mom friends. when i go to the park, the library, hell, target on weekday mornings, or any other mom-dense areas, i feel completely terrified and intimidated. i don't have very many friends who are moms. i don't know exactly why, but i feel really uncomfortable in those situations where i would have to socialize with other moms.
which is sad, because i am a mom and it's nice to have friends around who get that.
i guess part of it is that a lot of the time, i don't feel like i'm "mommy" enough to fit in.
i don't really like doing library time. i think it's boring as all hell.
i have nothing to talk about when a lot of other moms are discussing strollers, diaper brands, preschool curriculum, etc.
and most of all, i often feel that because i only have one kid, i'm not seen as "mommy" enough. it comes in little comments like, "well having one kid was so easy, i used to get so much more sleep." or "i thought parenting was tough, and then i had my second kid." "wow your kid shares really well for being an only child."

a lot of the time, i think us moms wear our badges of mommy honor by how much suffering we've endured. how tired we are, how many noses we wiped, meals we prepared, things we sacrificed. i hate the comparison game of whose life is harder. i don't like my life being hard. i like making things simple and easy. (says the person who decided to start grad school with a 3 year old. uh huh.) and also, if you're a mom who finds a lot of joy in the library or baby things, no judgement! that's great! we should all do things that make us happy and fulfilled.

and i'm not trying to say that i don't love being a mom or don't love remy. that kid is the love of my life. (yes, travis too.) i adore our sweet conversations, watching him learn, reading to him, taking him places and watching his wonder for the world, eating treats together on the porch, playing games and sports with him, cuddling, all those things. i love talking to other moms about child development, cute kid stories, whatever. i don't want this to seem like i hate kids. (i do really dislike some kids, let's be honest.) i guess i just thought once i had a kid, i'd be in the club. but i have one kid, and most everyone else i know has 3. that's probably the part that hurts sometimes. not the feeling like i'm not in the club, or feeling bad because i hate library time and other boring kid activities that i should do more with rem but i don't because i like to go climbing and leave him at the childcare so i can have a second to myself to think, but you're so lucky because you only have one kid and you don't even know how hard it is. (see, even my brain tells me i'm not enough of a mom.) but the part that hurts is watching everyone having more babies and not knowing if i can handle another one, physically or mentally. remy asking me every day to grow him a baby sister ("i'll take such good care of her mom, i promise!") and not even knowing, if i could just have another baby without HG worries, would i even want to, and what does that make me?

well that escalated quickly. i was planning on making a joke about how i'm so terrible at blogging and then sharing a shit ton of photos from the past... year that aren't caught up on. but it's not going to be chronological and that's just going to have to be okay. ha.

i really am doing great! school is amazing, i'm halfway done with the msw program, remy is at such a fun age, travis and i are more solid than we've ever been, climbing is wonderful. the babies thing, probably just going to be an ongoing little pain that comes and goes, mostly comes lately. but i'm so lucky i even have just one kid, and a kid who is so healthy and kind and loving. i'm ashamed to admit this, but about 6 years ago, before i had remy, there was a family member i knew who had one child, and then couldn't have more. it devastated her. she had a difficult time everyone in the family got pregnant. i remember thinking, what's her problem, she has one kid, lots of people don't even get that. she shouldn't begrudge anyone else their pregnancy.

and here i am. right?

a few months ago, there was a woman in the neighborhood where i grew up who was over at my parents' house and we were catching up. she has one son, not able to have more kids. her son is grown now and serving an lds mission. i asked her how it was for her having an only child and if she ever felt like she wasn't part of "the club" of moms. she knowingly looked at me and i just started sobbing and hugging her. phew, it was all the feels.

i think that's another reason i've avoided this blog for so long. i have so many feelings, and many of them are difficult to sort through and talk about. motherhood, the lds church, me leaving the church, how me leaving the church has affected everything in my life, how i don't want to talk about my angry feelings because so many people i love are lds, grad school, working with clients who have sexual trauma, how i deal/don't deal with my own trauma, etc etc etc. but i miss this space and the release it brings to write it out here.

so maybe in between writing a shit ton of papers and projects and casework i'll start writing again.


Saturday, January 14, 2017

wife #3.

this was the trip i took with my mom's church youth group to capitol reef to rappel wife #3!



kid free! 

here's the gang!
when the young men's group said they were going,
my mom (who was yw president) spoke up and said her
girls needed to go too!
my mom is the best. 




the hike in was pretty. 

mom and i had a great time sweating our faces off. 

so pretty tho. 





this first drop is 200 feet!!! 



i was having a dandy time, until my hair got caught
in the belay device coming down. my face started burning on the hot
device and my hair kept getting stuck higher and higher.
my mom was at the bottom screaming at everyone to get me down!
my hair wouldn't come loose, so i ripped my head around and pulled this out.
i had a good little bald spot on the side for a bit. 




this was our camping spot. 


mom, me, and brother zane. 


i stemmed up pretty high and had to be rescued. lol. 

wish i could be on a rope going up or down rocks all the time. 


spring/summer 2016.

ah yes, more catching up.
this was us driving to dinner for travis's birthday party!
we went out for dinner at a bar for the best burgers in slc.
plus, it being a bar meant none of the family could bring their kids
and we all love to eat dinner without our kids. 

remy and i walking around our block catching bugs in his bug sucker.
don't you worry, we released them all back into the wild.

Add caption

remy picked me a bouquet while we were
doing a walk through of our new house. 

oh this was a crazy day.
while travis was at the guard, i packed
the majority of our house. then reed and sara,
and travis's brothers were
saints, and came over to help us move/pack.
we finally ate dinner around 10:30pm. 

and then we stayed at my parents' house for
two weeks while waiting to move into our new house.
also, travis was away for the army.
super fun couple of weeks. 


i showed up for the final walk through
and the builders had painted our doors yellow!
i was literally telling my mom i wanted to
paint them yellow when we pulled up,
and it had already been done. the universe knew. 

holding a really big check for 70 or 80k.
we sold our house!! and we were rich for five minutes
and then we paid for our new house. 

oh she's a beaut.
had a great time moving without travis too.
so many thanks to our families for the great help. 

of course, mother's day fell on the
weekend travis was gone.
damn army.
oma helped remy make me a gift. 

oh kid art. :)
my hair. 

for the 3rd year in a row, it was a shitty mother's day,
that felt like any other day of being the single parent.
whatcha gonna do.
i did get to hang out at my new house alone while
remy napped, and i played my piano in the huge two
story ceiling living room during a thunderstorm.

the ladieeeeees.

and i found this picture of my mom feeding me
right after i was born.
i'm so lucky to have my mom! 

this was when travis came home!
i was up in the shower and travis rang the doorbell.
remy answered and said, "dad! where have you been!
we've missed you! come in!"
then travis came upstairs and scared the shit out of me in the shower. 

here is a picture of me coaching these sweet twins for the last time before they moved. 




oh! we went to military ball! i tried on dresses and these were the favs. 



i ended up going with this one.
luckily i'd lost 7 lbs while travis was gone
and we moved. 

ahh the prom dress i was never allowed to wear. 




travis is pretty handsome too. 

remy playing his guitar in the new house. 

i don't remember why we took this picture.
my hair was doing good things tho. 



my boss organized a goodbye lunch with all the school social workers.
she was the best! 


oh i forgot about this!
my brother zane did a humanitarian trip, so
we cooked food and sold it for money.
whatever that's called. 

standard. 

this is a five minute walk from my new house. 



oh new house. how i love thee. 

this was when i had my practicum placement interview! 

my hair was again, doing good things. 

food trucks! my brother reed and sara moved to daybreak!



these's this curry truck that gives me happy belly feelings. 

last day of work at the school.
this lama gary came to visit. 


all the cards. 

i'm too lazy to turn this.
but this is our house view right now.
until they build a thousand homes. 


ah yes, we went to crystal hot springs. 




















new kitchen!!!!!!!

heart eyes. 


driving to the pool with cousins!




love this boy. 


daybreak is the greatest. 

the cousins at millie's birthday party! 

how i miss my summer wardrobe. 

food trucks! 








sitting on the back porch eating chocolate cherry creamies.
what we did every day.
look at me go! at this rate, i'll be caught up by this summer! 

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