guest post over at SLC Feminist

people, this is a pregnancy-free post.
hard to believe, i know.

my dear friend chelsea started this wonderful website {SLC Feminist} which you should check out.
if you aren't sure how you feel about that "scary" word, 'feminist,' then here, read their mission statement and see if you agree.


Our Mission

Here at SLC Feminist there are some things we know the world could do without, and our number one goal is to help you feel the same. We advocate for a world without the following:

•  racism/white privilege
• sizeism
• sexism
• classism
• ableism
• homophobia
• transphobia
• victim blaming

see, pretty great, huh?

i was honored to be asked to write a guest post.

 go {here} if you feel like reading it.

and if you would, share her website with your three F's!( family, friends, and facebook.)  knowledge is power. let's change the world!

happy friday!

xo

what happens when you're told you are only valuable if you're beautiful.

i'm going to warn you, this post is going to contain trigger warnings for pretty much everything. well not, everything everything, but i'm going to talk about sexual assault, low self esteem, rape, possibly every sad and awful and inexcusable thing ever. read at your own discretion.

where to begin. 

in the beginning of july, i went to the gym one afternoon after work. i enjoy the gym in the afternoon because most of the tools who like to take up a bench watching themselves lift 70 lb weights incorrectly, aren't off work yet. (or venturing out of their mom's basements yet. but i digress.) it's nice to be able to work out and not fight the crowds or be someone's eye candy. and okay, being someone's eye candy actually feels nice sometimes, but that is another part of what's wrong with the story i'm going to tell. 

so i've staked out my bench and i'm doing my workout. i've gotten a few glances, being one of the only women who isn't working out in the "women's workout" room, because i don't enjoy working out in a cramped, stuffy room short on equipment and space, but no one has really said anything to me. then a man takes a bench right next to me and wants to chat. i'm not sure if he's just being nice or it's he is trying to flirt. then when we winks at me i'm pretty sure i'm being hit on. i don't wear my wedding ring to the gym because it's a pretty big rock and i only really wear it when i've showered and dressed up. i don't know how to tell this man that i'm married and i also don't know if i am supposed to tell him or if that's presumptuous of me. maybe he's just being nice. maybe he's staring at my backside because he's admiring how fit it looks. maybe he flirts with everyone and it means nothing. part of me feels awkward, part of me feels uncomfortable, but another part of me is thinking, way to go, you've still got it! 

and okay, this is the part that is really hard for me to admit. if he wasn't hitting on me, i'd spend the entire workout telling myself i'm not pretty enough, not fit enough, not worthy of someone's attention, even if the attention is making me uncomfortable. because i've been told my entire life, or at least from the time i was in second grade, that i'm only valuable if i'm physically attractive. there was a boy in my second grade class who "liked" me. he told me i was cute and that he had a crush on me. this had never happened to me before. then i found out i needed glasses and was so excited about the purple frames i'd chosen. i told this boy about my glasses i'd soon be wearing and he told me, "when you wear glasses, you won't be cute anymore and i won't like you." bam! no one likes you if you're not attractive! that was the first of hundreds, thousands of times i'd get that message. and even though i'm 24 years old, in a loving, committed marriage, and i'm an educated adult, i still believe that message. even though that message goes against everything i stand for. even though i hate that message. for the most part, it's still with me. 

okay, back to the story in the gym. i ended up going into a different room to finish my workout and leaving in a different way where the guy wouldn't be able to see me leave. i didn't want him to think i was encouraging his flirting. as i'm shutting my car door, there he is standing in front of the car. this man followed me out to my car and came out of nowhere. he's saying something to me, making a phone sign and holding it up to his ear, i see him mouthing, "you should call me." i'm still shocked and a little freaked out that i was followed out to my car. without rolling down my window, i point to my ring finger and say, "sorry, i'm married." then, i can hear him yelling a very rude swear word and saying, "are you serious??" 

he walks away and i sit in my car in disbelief. and i lock the doors. 

then i spent the entire night, obsessing that i hurt his feelings. that i was giving off signals i wasn't aware of. i should have rolled down the window and explained things to him instead of acting so weird. 

i was freaking out that i'd hurt some guy's feelings. some random guy who hit on my and followed me to my car in an empty parking lot and startled and scared me. i felt like the bad guy. 

how does this happen, you may wonder. 

this is what happens when for one thing, we live in a culture that teaches this. 

saw this in my first women's studies class at BYUH. 

yes, they are allowed to talk about this at BYU. 

if you're interested, look up the full version on youtube. 

another reason i think the way i do, is that i was raised around a group of boys who were constantly reminding me my only value was in my looks. one of these boys would go on to sexually assault me and my best friend, and tell me parts of my body weren't as nice as hers. and i would feel that i wasn't enough. wasn't enough for a guy who was sexually assaulting me. but even before all that, this group of boys had a game they played. they rated girl's bodies with three numbers, on for her face, one for her midsection, and one for her legs and backside. they would rate all the girls in front of me. once, they realized i was a girl too and rated me. it wasn't a very high rating. i didn't feel upset at them for treating me that way. i was upset with myself for not being beautiful enough. i was also raised around many boy cousins who talked about girls in a way that assured me, you're only valuable if you're attractive. 

i grew breasts early on, and i grew breasts larger than most of my peers. the boys in school made comments, to my face, about my growing breasts. i lost track of the amount of times i was asked to flash boys. they asked me what cup size i was. they told me that's all they saw when they looked at me. once boy told me his name for me in his phone was "ginormous gizunguz." in my yearbooks, there are so many comments about breasts and "hey call me so we can make out." i was terrified my mom would see and think i was a slut. this all happened the year i was sexually assaulted. over and over and over i was told my body was the only important thing about me. 

my second year of college, i worked at the mall during the summer. there was a verizon wireless booth near where i worked. the guys who worked at that booth would often try to talk to me and the other girls as we walked by for lunch. one day we stopped and said hello. one of the guys working there, who had to be five years older than me, literally asked me if i would go out to the parking lot and give him a blow job in the backseat of his bmw. literally those were the words he said to me the first time he spoke to me. did i spit in his face or even tell him what a pig he was? of course not. because i had been well trained by now to know that if some stranger wanted me to give him oral sex, that was a compliment. never mind that it triggered terrible things. never mind that i was uncomfortable and embarrassed. hey, someone thought i was a worthy sexual partner. i just laughed it off and walked away. that is only one of many, many experiences like that. 

this isn't even covering what happened with the first boy who assaulted me. how i bought my first thong because he kept asking me what color underwear i was wearing and i was embarrassed to be wearing such "little girl" undergarments. the undergarments that covered my backside and weren't "sexy." i'm not going to go into the things he said and did to me, but i will say that they still haunt me. that i still feel the need to be "hot" and "sexy" or i'm not valuable in any way. 

so fast forward a few years. i've moved away and gotten away from those high school boys. i've learned and grown and started figuring out that i have more to offer than my body. i'm married to a man who loves me for  my mind, my brain, my heart, and my body, a wonderful combination i've never really known until now. working as a counselor was one of the hardest things i've ever done. it was pretty much a trigger finger for my PTSD. but i was really good at it. then there are a few of my co workers who begin to make those comments. so and so thinks i'm hot. so and so has a crush on me, and is telling everyone about it, even though he's married. then an older man makes comments to me about my breasts. i'm having panic attacks and remembering how terrifying it was last time i "told" on the boy who assaulted me. (i said that it was all consensual, not that i'd been assaulted.) even then, his friends peed on my house, harassed me at school, yelling, "whore!" every time they saw me in the hall. i blamed myself and still do sometimes. there was no way i could report these men at work. i was going to just deal with it like always. 

until i found myself emailing my boss and telling her i needed to talk to her. 

and we sat down in her office and i started sobbing and apologizing for sobbing. 

reported those men, called the head boss and reported them again. 

quit my job because i felt unsafe working there. 

stood up for myself when my employers tried to convince me to stay on for the rest of the month, assuring me the guy would work different shifts than me and wouldn't bother me. i told them i wouldn't work there after he knew because it wasn't fair for me to be in that position. 

went home and cried a lot. did the whole lock myself in the bathroom hiding from travis having a panic attack. but once i was done with all the shock of what had happened and i realized no one was going to harass or bully me or pee on my house, i realized i had stood up for myself. i hadn't let the cycle continue. 

and that was empowering. 

terrifying, too. 

i kind of always feel it's my fault for being sexually harassed because i have large breasts. 

this is absolutely false. 

my outward appearance is never an excuse for someone to ask me to give him a blow job.

being attractive isn't the only thing women have to offer. this is something i think i'll have to spend my entire life trying to believe of myself. 

if a man follows you to your car and then swears at you for not giving him your number, that's because he is a creep, not because of how you look in your gym clothes. 

and sexual assault is never the victim's fault. it doesn't matter what you are wearing, if you flirted, if you wanted him to be your first kiss. sexual assault is one hundred percent because the perp made a choice to assault you. these are things our culture is constantly reaffirming the opposite to us. we need to remind ourselves these things all the time. 

my friend alyssa sent me this article and it was spot on. go {here} to read about mormon culture and what needs to change. 

knowledge is power and that's what changes the world. our world needs so many things to change. please believe you're worth more than what you look like. please believe that rape is caused solely by rapists. please challenge the system and make those small changes that will lead to bigger changes. 

phew, i'm exhausted. 

as always feel free to email me. collette.charles7@gmail.com 

xo

rape 101

i'm at the library, trying to revise a final paper, but waiting on feedback from my professor. i just attended my last sensation and perception class, and i didn't even fall asleep. not like last week, when my professor chucked a paper clip at me and rudely ended my 45 minute nap. plus my mouth was open, so it was a major choking hazard. definitely gonna put that on his teacher evaluation.

things have been insanely busy. between gearing up for finals, writing my orgasm paper, being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding, throwing travis a surprise birthday party, photo shoots, getting ready to graduate and taking care of all those annoying details like announcements and planning, i have not had much time to write.

and i need to find a job asap. um. how does an adult find a job? when i used to hunt for summer jobs to save for college, i would just put on a professional looking outfit and walk through department stores asking if they were hiring. i feel like it's not okay to go to psych wings in hospitals and do the same. or where ever else i could work. where am i going to work? will someone please just make this decision for me? isn't the whole point of college to prepare you for the occupation you have chosen? how is it that i'm graduating and still have no idea what to be?

deep breaths.

so sometime when i'm home and have my camera handy, i'll do the whole "pictures of my house, the surprise party, the cute wreath i made, my flower garden, friend's wedding" post.  but right now i want to talk about a conversation i had with a dear friend a few months ago. and it's about rape, so if that brings up any scary feelings or memories for you, read at your own discretion.

i've been wanting to say all this for a while but it's just so much easier to post cute pictures of my house and talk about the "fun" parts of life. i have a family member who gets upset when i talk about things like rape or abuse, and asks me why i focus on such depressing issues. why can't we just talk about something else. well i'll tell you, it would be so much easier to just talk about the good stuff, but if we don't talk about the scary things, how are we ever going to fix them? as much as i wish it would, ignoring something does not make it go away.

so my friend and i were talking about her first experience with sex. she was young and the boy was cold about it. he would tell her that she didn't need to love a person to have sex with him and that he didn't love her, that her personality just didn't work for him. she was young, insecure, and afraid. all along, she had believed it was consensual and she had been so ashamed of herself for it. they had dated on and off, but he never wanted to commit to being her boyfriend. and every time she went back to him, she felt more ashamed. this was the story she had always told me.

the night we talked about this, she told me how she had been reading a textbook definition of rape. reading that definition, she began to think about her own first experience with sex. how she had said no, multiple times, or that he was hurting her, and that he hadn't stopped. she had thought that because she wasn't screaming, or fighting, or calling for help or in a dark alley with a stranger, that sex had been consensual. she read the definition and realized the truth of what had happened to her.

she is an adult. a college student. a well educated person. the public school system never taught her about rape or how to protect herself. (and i'm opening up a whole other can of worms here with that.)

i thought about my own experience. how i blamed myself for everything and lied to my parents about what had happened because i was afraid of what he would do if he knew i had told. so i knew that something had happened that wasn't supposed to happen, but i thought it was my fault. then when i started tenth grade, a rape crisis counselor came to our health class and talked about sexual assault. that if you were afraid, or said no, or were afraid to say no, or were coerced, or held against your will, etc, etc, etc, that what happened wasn't consensual. i thought that rape meant a woman wearing a short skirt walking down a dark alley late at night.

then last year, i had an experience at the fire station that blew me away. before i say this, i want you to know that travis works with amazing men. they are so willing to help and so willing to risk their lives for others. but this conversation was alarming and can't be excused.

one night i visited travis at work. we were sitting around talking with all the guys. they asked me how school was going, what classes i was taking, etc. i started talking to them about my gender studies class and our discussion on rape that day. it was a spark igniting a bomb. all of a sudden, everyone was talking all at once, talking about girls who tease men, about kobe bryant and how unfair it is that women have so much power to ruin a good man's name. these men were instantly angry. i was confused. "so wait. if you're with a woman and she is flirting with you and the idea of having sex with you, and then she changes her mind, you would still go for it?" i asked.
"if she's going to be a tease, she needs to see it through!" the men agreed.
"okay, but if you're about to have sex and she changes her mind for any reason, you wouldn't respect that?" i asked, specifically.
"she can't just expect me to stop if she is going to be a tease!" they answered.

i was floored. floored. grown men who i trusted and admired. grown men telling me how wrong it is for a woman to lead on a guy, get him all hot and bothered, and then say no. that they wouldn't accept no for an answer.

then the captain appeared in the doorway.
"i'll tell you what." he said in a low voice. "if some guy was with my daughter and didn't respect her saying no, i would f*** that guy up."

then the men looked at their feet and agreed.

it took a man, their captain, saying what i had been saying to them for twenty minutes, to get their attention.

teach your children about sexual assault. teach your parents. teach your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, aunts, uncles, niece, nephews, everyone.

these are facts.

if a woman chooses to wear revealing attire and go out late at night, she is not asking for it. 
the person doesn't have to be a stranger for it to be sexual assault, rape, or molestation.
if you are uncomfortable, say no, are afraid to say no, or are being threatened in any way- words or weapons, it is not consensual.
just because you weren't screaming for help, doesn't mean you consented.
it is not the survivor's fault. i'll say it again, louder.
it is not the survivor's fault. 

it doesn't matter where you were, what you were wearing, if you were flirting, what time of night it was, if you were walking home alone, etc. it was not your fault; the blame lies with the perpetrator. 

get educated and get the people around you educated. read this: {here} to get started.
it's almost impossible that someone in your life hasn't gone through this.
let's teach each other the truth so that we don't have to find out what really happened to us from a textbook.

as always, email me if you have experience with sexual assault and need someone to talk to.
collette.charles7@gmail.com

xo

trying to be sexy in a world that only accepts sexy. and doing it in a way that isn't an oxymoron.

oh also?

last week i really just wanted to look hot. like head turning hot. and all winter i have basically been wearing the same thing- jeans, peacoat that never comes off because it's so damn cold in all my classrooms, and boots. feelin' the frump.

so last week i put on probably the sexiest pair of shoes i own, these skin tight leather boots with ridiculously high heels and didn't wear a coat. actually wore something figure flattering. lipstick. curled the hairs. dark eye shadow. i was only going to school, but shoot, i was going to GO to school. right?

the catch: those sexy boots, yeah they are freakin' old. and the material on the heels is all peeled back. i'm way too poor to justify spending sixty bucks for new ones. solution? that black tape, it has a name that i'm blanking on, just wind it around the heels and WAH LAH! boots are good to go. but you have to be careful not to walk on grass or in anything wet like snow, because the adhesive in the tape fails.

got to school, walked the walk, (it's a long walk to class) avoided the puddles and grassy shortcuts. and then, an obstacle- stairs. steep stairs. two guys standing at the top of the stairs. in my head: oh yeah, i'm hot, i'm totally working these stairs, those two guys won't know what hit-  and BAM, fall down the stairs, grab onto hand railing, and instantly turn red. and start laughing obnoxiously loud and looking around. the two guys who were definitively never checking out my butt were very concerned and i was very embarrassed. and the tape job i did on the heels? totally shredded. i'm just not sexy hot anymore. i can barely walk down a flight of stairs in heels. marriage has lulled me into the comfort of sweatpants and ponytails.

today i tried again. squeezed into my hotpants, aka jeggings, a tucked in white v-neck, and my orange high heels. happy to report only one trip, and that was at the very beginning of the trek through trax.i ran into my friend from class, a late thirties guy who is gay, and he exclaimed, "oh work it girl!"

**i include the part about him being gay so you will know i don't have a secret older-man-boyfriend. because he's not into gals. and i do have a thing for older men. and grey hair. and slightly leathery skin... one day travis will be the most beautiful old man... ahh but i digress.**

the point is, i can still squeeze into my hotpants and wear obnoxious colored heels. even if i do get overly excited about a new vacuum. once a friend on facebook told me it doesn't matter what i look like anymore because i'm married. i found that very offensive for several reasons. firstly, our culture really only values me for one thing and that is how i look. for him to tell me that, it was like he was saying, "don't worry, now that you have nothing to offer, you have permission to blend into the background and become invisible." and the older women get, the more invisible they are. don't believe me? how many 40+ women do you see in the media? yep, guys get older and they just get better looking, like i just said, and women get older and we are hidden. we are raised to obey patriarchy, then only valued for how hot our ass looks in jeans, and then we bear children and raise them, which is no small task, we acquire wrinkles, extra pounds, grey hair, and it's all over.
phew, that was negative and sad. not sure what it has to do with me wearing orange heels and wanting to look hot. seems like an oxymoron maybe?
yes, i'm married and slightly invisible. like this:

because now that i'm married, there is no reason for any man to try to be just friends, because i have only one thing to offer a man and now the possibility of that offer is gone.

rant, rant, rant. i can curl my hair and wear high heels and still be a feminist. surprise!

i do have a best friend who is a male and we are and have always been just friends. 
it's possible.
i'm married, and i'm still workin' the hotpants. even if it's just for me. it is really awesome to know that travis finds me just as sexy in sweats as in lingerie.
sometime, tell an older woman in your life how beautiful, wonderful, and intelligent she is. she probably doesn't hear those things enough.
i refuse to hate my body for aging. i refuse to hate myself for getting grey hairs. for you mothers out there, don't you dare hate your body if it's not what it was before childbirth. ok. 

that'll do pig, that'll do.
wth, please stop blogging and do your homework.
xo

no, i didn't ask if we could watch a porno, i just wanted to talk about my research project: the time i upped the rating in my research methods class

hola.
just a few items of business, and then i would like to start today's topic, which involves my teacher, a grown man, being uncomfortable writing the word 'genitals' on the board in front of our class. 

first item of business.
if you're into pregnancy, ideas about souls, and sage advice, check out my dear friend's post. she's an AMAZING writer and the rest of her blog is pretty outstanding, too.

second item of business.
we went house shopping again today and made an offer an a brand spankin' new, deep red, two story cottage home. with a big porch. and a separate dining room. and a huge tub in the master bath. (i'm being super descriptive because i didn't take a picture of the outside.) yeah, pretty in love with this house. it's not a short sale, so there is more hope than the blue house, which we still have an offer on. the kitchen is my DREAM kitchen, white cabinets, laminate wood floors, granite counter tops, and there are all these cute nooks and crannies everywhere that lend a very cozy feel to the house. just waiting til monday to find out if they accepted our offer. all went well with our home's appraisal, so i assume the appraiser is still alive and well. phew! but anyway, this could be it folks.

okay, i believe that is it for business. now onto the story.
there are many things that bother me about our culture and the role women play. these are some of them i have been pondering this past week. this list includes, but is certainly not limited to:

• when a couple gets engaged, the woman is the only one who wears the ring during the engagement. why is she the only one who is publicly "off the market" when interacting with strangers. 
• linguistic issues like, when a man and woman are married, he is still a Mr but now she has changed from a Miss to a Mrs. we automatically know she is married when we hear her name, but his is still the same. he didn't have to change at all. (this also relates to my issue with our custom of the woman taking the man's surname. doesn't it all go back to the wife being property of her husband? *also, if you are married and changed your last name, i am not trying to say you let yourself become property, as this isn't exactly the case anymore; these are just things about our culture that bother me.*)
• this. (thanks alyssa.)
• the fact that on how i met your mother, the main male roles play a lawyer and an architect, and the main female roles play a kindergarten teacher and a news reporter. way to stick those female characters in "gender appropriate" jobs there, how i met your mother.

ok that's enough. travis probably gets pretty tired of my ongoing critique of the world.

but something that really, really bothered me was what went down in my most recent research methods class. 

on thursday night, i was sitting through my research methods class. we were talking about the different statistics used to analyze the data from our "studies" (the fake ones we are doing.) on tuesday, we talked about stats and i actually started to cry. in class. don't think anyone but the teacher noticed, but still, on thursday, i was determined not to get upset, but to have some faith in myself. and also to get all the help i could from the class and teacher.
so our teacher asks if any of us would be wiling to discuss our "study" with the class to practice figuring out which stats to use. i immediately raised my hand and professor patrick-dempsey-look-alike said mine could go second.
the first girl's "study" was about child sexual abuse in sex offenders, which, seemed to me, to be a pretty intense topic. the atmosphere in the room changed while we discussed her IVs and DVs. i'm sure a nice share of the people in the room have personal experience with sexual abuse. but her study was all in the name of science soft science, so we learned from it and moved on. nothing personal.
so then professor demps looks at me and says, "well guys, i think we had a good example. we don't need another one do we?"
"actually i really think we do." i said. the class agreed that they needed more examples. professor demps looked nervous. "ok we can do collette's, but... " he glanced around at the class. "it's going to take the rating level of the class up a notch, so if any of you feel uncomfortable, feel free to leave."

ok, so the topic of women and orgasm took the rating level up a notch, but sexual abuse was no big deal? i mean, good grief, it wasn't like i was going to talk about my personal experience with the subject. it wasn't like i wanted to broadcast a porno.

with the class staring me down, i explained my independent variables of genital labeling and then incomplete sexual education. prof demps, who likes to write on the board when teaching, hesitated at the word 'genital.' he skipped it entirely and wrote "labeling." he then repeated his earlier statement, "if anyone feels uncomfortable, you can leave."
i started getting a little heated. "they're just body parts." i said. "we all have genitals." the class laughed, albeit a little nervously.
the professor didn't understand what i mean about incomplete sex education. he wanted to make two groups: those who had sex ed and those who didn't.
"that kind of defeats my whole point." i told him. "sex ed doesn't teach girls about their bodies and what the organs actually do. for example, they teach about the ovaries and the fallopian tubes, but not about..." i paused, unsure of whether or not i could say "clitoris."

in a college class, talking about my thesis, with grown ups, i wasn't sure i was "allowed" to say the medical term for one of the female body parts.

the rest of the time, my teacher was awkwardly avoiding saying the word 'orgasm' and at one point even said, "i guess i'm demonstrating why a study like this needs to be done, huh?" he kept asking me, "is there really a body of research you can draw from to back your study?"
 yes, actually there are other people out there who think it is important for women to be educated about their bodies and about their own abilities.
 toward the end, i was feeling embarrassed and defensive. "look guys, it's 2012, it's okay for us to talk about this. women need to feel comfortable talking about this!"

during the break at 7:30, a few of the women in the class came up to me in the bathroom and told me they thought my "study" was awesome and that they fully supported that kind of thing. but when we were in class, with a male professor leading a discussion about female orgasm, a topic he felt "upped the rating of the class" no one said a word. 

a little unbelievable right? i figured that in a liberal arts major, with the majority of my teachers making unprofessional comments about "the mormons" and religion and having to sit through all of that, i would be safe enough asking for help on my assignment involving sexuality and women, which is sadly, considered a pretty liberal topic. sad that educating women about their amazing bodies is still taboo.

anyway, that's my rant.
keeping my soapbox with me at all times lately.
 

the role of vague genital labeling and incomplete sexual education in female orgasm

i love talking about sex, and not in a dirty, "this is how i do it kind of way". i like talking about it in a "this is how it fits into our culture, how can we improve things like females knowing how to have an orgasm and enjoying their sex lives even though our culture doesn't teach or encourage women to enjoy their bodies" ...way. as afore mentioned, this is what i'm doing my research on for my research methods class. this next installment is just the intro.

so if reading "scholarly" academic writing isn't your thing, i won't be offended. but i did pour quite a bit of my heart and soul into this one and tried not to let it get too dry. if nothing else, please read the article names  in the works cited page because they are amazing. also, posting the document onto my blog messed with the formatting and i know that the journal names are supposed to be italicized. deal with it; i'm too lazy to fix it on the blog.

 

The Role of Vague Genital Labeling and Incomplete Sexual Education in Female Orgasm 

            Girls and women today live in a culture that places a great deal of importance on their sexuality. Magazine covers portray flawless women with captions like, 25 Ways to Please Him in Bed or Get Your Sizzling Sex Life Back.  Information about sex seems to be everywhere, but what kind of education are girls and women really receiving? Research shows that it is important for females to be instructed in early bodily knowledge to support sexual health and also that mothers are more likely to use vague terms such as ‘privates’ when teaching their daughters about their genitals (Martin & Luke, 2010).  Research also shows that when mothers talk to their daughters about sex-related topics, they are more likely to discuss reproduction, romance, and morality issues, but not the topics pertaining to sexual pleasure (Martin, Veduzco, Torres, & Luke, 2011).  In a world filled with sexually promiscuous male-centered media and mothers’ vague explanations, are girls and women learning useful information for their own healthy and pleasurable sex lives?

Genital Labeling

Many young girls are raised without knowing what to call their genitals, or knowing the function of their genitals. Martin, Veduzco, Torres, and Luke (2011) found that mothers use vague, indefinite terms, like ‘privates’, when teaching their daughters about their bodies. These vague terms do not describe the functions of the actual body parts. When teaching their sons, mothers use more childlike terms to describe their

genitals. Both genders are active participants in misconstruing and mispronouncing their mother’s terms for their body parts, leading to a variety of labels (Martin, et. al., 2011).

Incomplete Sexual Education

            Multiple studies show that the quality and sort of sexual education a young girl receives affects her future sexual experiences and expectations. Brody and Weiss (2010) found that common sex education approaches may undermine vaginal orgasm benefits. In their study, conducted in the Czech Republic, women who were told in childhood and adolescence that the vagina was the organ important for orgasm were more likely to experience vaginal orgasm, suggesting that education about the female body influences her experience with sexual intercourse (Body & Weiss, 2010). Research also suggests that sex therapists and educators assisting in female achieved orgasm should shift their focus from foreplay to improving the quality and duration of penile-vaginal intercourse, and that vaginal orgasm can be achieved more often with this type of education (Weiss & Brody, 2009).

            Martin and Luke (2010) conducted a study concerning gender differences existing in what mothers teach their children about sexuality and reproduction. They found that although mothers reported talking to their daughters about reproduction, morality, and romantic relationships, they did not feel comfortable discussing the pleasure aspect of intercourse or the topic of sexual abuse (Martin & Luke, 2010).  Having a solid foundation of sexual knowledge may influence later sexual function.  Fungl-Meyer, Oberg, Lundberg, Lewin, and Fungl-Meyer, Axel, (2006) in studying age and sexual dysfunction, found that the group of women who had good orgasmic function had less to do with age and more to do with their sexual history and feelings about being sexual.  Another important factor is for men to be educated. A study conducted by Gonzalez, Cali, Viafara, Molina, and Ortiz (2006) found that including men in the education about women’s feelings toward sexuality could help improve female sexual satisfaction.

Importance of Female Orgasm

            Sexuality has many aspects, with orgasm being just one of them, but research suggests orgasms increase life, partner, and sexual satisfaction, and greater mental health benefits (Brody & Weiss, 2011).  Though research finds female orgasm to be highly beneficial, this is not a widely supported concept. “…sexual pleasure and empowerment have often been understood to be male prerogatives, while social norms have discouraged female agency or autonomy, especially with regard to women's sexuality” (Pick, Givadudan, & Kline, 2005). Pick, Givadudan, and Kline (2005) assert that with progressive sexuality education and open communication, there will be enormous potential for women to responsibly pursue sexual pleasure, and thereby benefit their mental health and physical well being. 

            With the support of past research conducted concerning education, sexuality, orgasm, and women, the intent of the present study is to find a correlation between vague genital labeling and incomplete sexual education in regards to low rates of female orgasm. Variables of interest include what kind of bodily/sexual education daughters received from mothers and the school district’s sex education program and participants’ experiences with orgasm and overall sexual experience, and attitudes regarding sexuality, openness, and ability to achieve orgasm. The present study’s hypothesis is that there is a correlation between vague genital labeling and incomplete sexual education with regards to low rates of female orgasm. The research design will include an anonymous questionnaire and participants will be sexually active, heterosexual women aged 18 to 75.

Works Cited

Brody & Weiss. (2011). Simultaneous penile–vaginal intercourse orgasm is associated with satisfaction (sexual, life, partnership, and mental health). Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 8. Retrieved February 15, 2012 from Academic Search Premier (2011-04033-0140).

Brody & Weiss. (2009). Women's partnered orgasm consistency is associated with greater duration of penile-vaginal intercourse but not of foreplay. Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 6. Retrieved February 15, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (2009-00085-019).

Brody & Weiss. (2010). Vaginal orgasm is associated with vaginal (not clitoral) sex education, focusing mental attention on vaginal sensations, intercourse duration, and a preference for a longer penis. Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 7. Retrieved January 26, 2012 from Academic Search Premier (2010-16175-020).

Fugl-Meyer, K., Oberg, Lundberg, Lewin, & Fugl-Meyer, A. (2006). On Orgasm, Sexual Techniques, and Erotic Perceptions in 18- to 74- Year-Old Swedish Women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 3. Retrieved February 15, 2012 from Academic Search Premier (2006-00557-006).

Gozalez, Viafara, Caba, Molina, Cemera, & Ortiz. (2006). Libido and orgasm in middle-aged woman. Maturitas. Retrieved February 15, 2012 from Academic Search Premier (2006-01070-001).

Martin, K., & Luke, Katherine. (2010). Gender differences in the ABC’s of the birds and the bees: What mothers teach young children about sexuality and reproduction. Sex Roles. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A48746743).

Martin, K., Veduzco, B.L., Torres, J., & Luke, K. (2011). Privates, pee-pees, and      coochies: Gender and genital labeling for/with young children. Feminism & Psychology. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A64079949).

Pick, Givaudan, & Kline. (2005). VIII Sexual Pleasure as a Key Component of Integral Sexual Health. Feminism & Psychology. Retrieved February 15, 2012 from Academic Search Premier (2005-00948-008).

sex talk.

ok. so if you're my facebook friend, you may have noticed this picture i posted last week:

so i was writing my research proposal with the aid of these books. i basically have to pretend to do research and go through all the writing that comes with it for one of my classes. i figured it i have to write a huge paper about fake research, i might as well do it on something i am passionate about: sex, wormen, orgasm, and bodies. you know, in the context of our culture. (if i did want to go to grad school and do research, this is what i would research.) so i want to do a couple posts about this and to get it all kicked off, i'm thinking you could read my research proposal. keep in mind that it's not perfect and that i haven't ever run research or used stats to analyze real data. so if it's all flawed, deal with it.
get ready for some sex talk. next week i'm gonna talk about two different books i read before getting married, one from the '60s and the other is the book in the picture, i heart female orgasm.
come on, who doesn't love talking about sex?!
no, i'm not going to talk about my own sex life. unless you have a question about something and then feel free, as always, to email me. i'm not embarrassed to talk about sex things. if you want to have orgasms and you just don't, i would love to talk to you about it.
creepy? nah, just direct and open.
enjoy!

Research Proposal for Psych 3010

Collette Charles (collette.charles7@gmail.com)

28 January 2012

Working Title of Proposed Research

Female Genital Labeling Correlates with Low Female Sexual Satisfaction and Orgasm.

How the idea developed & Objectives

            As a young girl, I was never taught what to call my female reproductive organs. I was aware of being different from my brothers, and even knew the word, ‘penis.’ I knew I had ‘privates,’ and thought of them as almost a lack of having a penis. Growing up, I participated in my public school’s Sex Education, where I learned about fallopian tubes, the ovaries, and of course, the vagina. But it wasn’t until I was preparing for marriage, and sexual intercourse, that I discovered the word, ‘clitoris’ and what it was. In my twenty two years of experience I had been unaware of a female sex organ, which I possessed, whose sole function is to provide sexual pleasure. It would be preposterous to think of a man who was unaware of his own sexual organs.  I began to wonder if other women were also unaware, and how gender sex scripts would be different if parents taught their daughters the clinical terms for their reproductive organs and if Sex Education Programs included the clitoris in their presentations. If women were educated about their sex organs and clitoris, would more women enjoy their sex lives, feel more dominant during intercourse, and experience orgasms? To investigate, I began reading the current research on this topic.

Hypothesis and Predictions

            Several scholarly articles, cited below, were of aid in supporting my hypothesis. Research shows that it is important for females to be instructed in early bodily knowledge to support sexual health and also that mothers are more likely to use vague terms such as ‘privates’ when teaching their daughters about their genitals (Martin et al.). There is also research showing that when mothers talk to their daughters about sex-related topics, they are more likely to discuss reproduction, romance, and morality issues, but not the topics pertaining to sexual pleasure (Martin et al.).  In a study conducted in the Czech Republic, women who were told in childhood and adolescence that the vagina was the organ important for orgasm were more likely to experience vaginal orgasm, suggesting that education about the female body influences her experience with sexual intercourse (Brody et al.). With the support of past research, my hypothesis predicts that vague genital labeling and incomplete education about female sex organs correlates with low female orgasm rates and women who are ill-prepared for a healthy, pleasurable sex life.

Proposed Method

My design will require a sample of participants who are female, heterosexual, sexually active, and age 18+. They will be invited to take a survey consisting of questions ranging from early sexual education, genital labeling, parental attitudes concerning sexual intimacy, orgasm frequency, and overall satisfaction with sexual experiences. The participants will be unaware of the hypothesis while taking the survey. The goal of the survey is to find a correlation between genital labeling and incomplete sex education and low satisfaction with sexual experience and orgasm.

Ethical Considerations

Due to the sensitive nature of my hypothesis, I will be keeping the participant names anonymous, something I think will encourage honesty in the participants. The participants will be told their survey is anonymous before taking it and will be debriefed afterwards, making sure they leave with complete knowledge of what we were looking for.    

Proposed Data Analysis

I plan to find a correlation between genital labeling and incomplete sexual education and low sexual satisfaction and orgasms. With the correlation, I will use the coefficient, r, to represent the measure of degree between genital labeling and low sexual satisfaction. I will use a scatter plot to demonstrate linear correlation between the two variables.

Preliminary List of References

Brody. (2011) Vaginal orgasm is associated with vaginal (not clitoral) sex education,  focusing mental attention on vaginal sensations, intercourse duration, and a preference for a longer penis. Retrieved January 26, 2012 from Academic Search Premier.

Martin, K., Veduzco, B.L., Torres, J., & Luke, K. (2011). Privates, pee-pees, and coochies: Gender and genital labeling for/with young children. Feminism & Psychology. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A64079949).

Martin, K., & Luke, Katherine. (2010). Gender differences in the ABC’s of the birds and the bees: What mothers teach young children about sexuality and reproduction. Sex Roles. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A48746743).