graduated.

i had been dreaming of this day since i was a little girl. i got up early, paid special attention to my hair and makeup, and slipped on the lacy cream dress and string of pearls.
no, i'm not remembering my wedding day. i'm talking about my graduation from college.

i wasn't ever that little girl who had planned her wedding to the last detail, but i have always been looking forward to the day i would get to wear that black cap and gown, and hold that diploma in my hands. as a little girl, i remember playing with my mom's college tassel, being so excited to have my own one day. there wasn't a question of whether or not i would graduate; it was always the plan. yesterday was that day.

it was the perfect day! i had a great hair day, (yes, that matters) the people i love were there to support me, and when i heard them announce, "collette charles!" i won't lie, i got pretty emotional. taking that walk, i silently thanked everyone who had been there for me. when it was all over and i was sitting down, i had tears in my eyes and felt so thankful. only a tiny fraction of people on this earth get have a college education. i'm so thankful for the teachers, the knowledge, the friendships, and the lessons i learned. i'm so thankful for my parents and for travis, for their financial support and trust.

headed out to graduate! 

walking! 

DONE! 

 travis, my rock, my support. talked me through stats, reassured me 

almost daily that i could succeed, loved me even though i was a 

huge grump every time a paper was due, worked countless hours to pay

my tuition, and loved the whole time. 

 my parents, who "kicked" me out of the house at 18, supported me, loved me, my sweet mom who 

spent hours on the phone with me while i was away, my dad who always reminded me to 

live in the present tense. the great examples i had of the importance of education. 

 my dad, who had to be forced into wearing a suit, instead of his byu shirt to my graduation. 

 cleaned him out. 

 hawaii, you're still with me.

 my other rock, liana. she was the one who told me about the psych major and how great it is. 

she made the cute signs, insisted on me taking senior pictures, and is such a great support! 

 the infamous elevator in the old, rickety psych building. 

 the party at my parents' last night. 

the university of utah was a great place to finish. 

the psych department was wonderful and i loved my major. 

it's funny how you end up in something you never knew you liked. 

psychology just fit perfectly. 

now on to the next adventure: 

job interview on wednesday at the university hospital 

for the psych tech position. 

(kell, any tips or suggestions for this???) 

can't believe last week i was a hot mess and now i am riding cloud nine again. 

believe in yourself, work for your dreams!! 

love xo

looking back

this week, as i boarded the train for my last final, i thought back to the beginning of college six years ago. i remembered moving in to my first apartment, my mom and i sobbing when she drove away, leaving me alone. i remembered sharing a room with a stranger for the first time (sounds skankier than it really was) and how i couldn't remember which roommate was "melissa" and which was "alyssa" for like three weeks. it was so bittersweet to sit on that train and flash through all of my experiences. i did some digging through my old myspace account and found a few pictures. warning, it's about to get nostalgic up in here.

 can't find a picture with all 6 of us, but here are my SUU 

gymnast roommies and nikki, the babe in the middle. 

we lived in eccles c 305. there was an elevator in our building. 

um, i used to fart in it almost every time right before i got out. 

snigger.

 my boyfriend alex, who drove down many a weekend to see me. 

 linds and i at albertsons, with the boys who lived across the hall from us. 

just sharing a pair of sweats. 

we practically lived at the boys apartment,

 eating frozen pizza and brownies all. the. time.

the first week of school, headed to a luau.

nikki was a college socialite who always 

tried to get me to go out with her.

yep, i dated the one with the tongue sticking out. 

for multiple years. 

(promise i'll tell that story someday. when i'm not so angry.) 

my murray friends who always came down to try to get with my roommates. 

oh we always stayed up so late! 

i remember one night, melissa, one of the gymnasts, came home super drunk

and we convinced her to do back handsprings all the way down the hall. 

headed out to go boating in st. george with our boys across the hall.

yeah, i hardly wore any clothes back then. 

my second year at SUU, with mikelle late one night. always up so late. 

that was the year alex left on his mission and i was so lonely and depressed. 

i would not go back to that year. 

military ball with my friend rory.

one of our many hiking trips to zion nat park. 

the only thing that made that year bearable, my best friend morgan moving down to cedar city. 

headed out to a friend's ballroom dance recital. 

our roommates from korea. it was my first experience living with someone from another country

and i loved it. they always fed us delicious food and taught us new words. 

ok, i have hundreds of pictures from hawaii i could put up. 

moving to hawaii was in my life's top three best decisions. 

the year i spent there changed me and taught me so much. 

to love myself, to forgive myself, to trust others again,

friendship, loyalty, love, romance, oh the list goes on and on. 

hawaii was where my healing process began. 

it would never have happened without the amazing people i met. 

and i'm going to start crying here. 

 at the beach with my besties. oh i miss these girls! 

choir concert. being in the university choir was so wonderful! 

choir party at the beach. 

so at BYUH, you aren't supposed to wear bikinis. 

i obviously didn't follow that rule, but for school functions, 

i had to have a "modest" suit. 

so i bought a swimming suit that looked like lingerie.

such a rebel back then. 

also, i was thirty five pounds heavier then. 

i dated a zillion boys. 

fell in love a few times. 

kissed a lot of dudes.

at the airport after christmas, heading back. 

my mom and i always cried. 

at the beach, like always.

my gpa went from a 4.0 to a 2.8.

in one semester. 

first real beach trip with erika dick.

the day i met alyssa herzinger. 

we had no idea. :) 

the four of us were inseparable.

for the first time in my life, i had a group of girlfriends. 

i told you i didn't used to wear clothes. 

seriously, no decency. :) 

the five of us in our laie house, winter semester. 

the sea sider, where we had disgusting lunches every day. 

north shore surf competitions, day after thanksgiving. 

the day i got swallowed by a wave in front of thousands of people

and the loudspeaker announced, "stay off the beach"

and my phone was destroyed. 

waiting at the bus stop. we took the bus everywhere.

one time, a guy asked erika and i if we were a couple.

that's how close we were, strangers thought we were in love. :) 

 one of the most perfect days. 

the gang of us after hiking that "rock" behind us. 

don't worry, it wasn't all beach. 

here we are at the school newspaper, 

workin' away. 

i think i've reached the limit of post space. U of U to follow in next post.

hard things.

a quick post.

your replies brought me to tears and helped more than you could ever know! (kell, i applied for that job and it sounds amazing!!) thank you so much for caring and writing those sincere and loving messages.

things are better.

coming to terms with graduating. it helped to shopping for a dress to wear, to buy my cap and tassel, and to send out graduation announcements. oh, and travis telling me he has a surprise graduation present for me. presents just make everything better. also, i got my resume together and applied for a grown up job, so i feel a lot better on that front.

with the PTSD, i'm just going to try to be positive. it's so easy to give all the bad stuff in our lives our full attention. i'm going to try to not put those scary things on the center of my life stage, even if i did have a scary, memory-esque nightmare a few nights ago. even if everyone seems to drive the car he drives and i see it daily and am reminded. i'm trying to give those intrusive thoughts a moment of mourning and respect to myself, and then let something else on the stage. if that makes sense at all to anyone else.

the other night, travis was at work and i was taking a break from studying. i went on a bike ride down by the lake. everything was peaceful, the sunset was breathtaking, and i had my coldplay/dave matthews pandora station playing in my ears. life is beautiful. we have to do hard things, but we can do them.

it's like that quote, right? be kind to everyone you meet for they are fighting a hard battle. or something like that.
my friend chelsea is going through hard things dealing with fertility. {here}
another of my friends is going through hard things dealing with homosexuality in a culture where it's not understood or accepted. {here}
 this same friend texted me yesterday and told me to look up romans 8:16-18.
oh yeah, it's about to get bible up in here. 

16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

 17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

and now for one of my all time favorites, also from Romans 8: 

  38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

we are all going through hard things. it's easy to feel alone, but we really aren't. thank you for being there for me. 

phew, all that bible talk wore me out. i'm going to go and slay my last final. happy hump day! 

had to balance out all that religion right? 

xo

asking for help, aka getting uncomfortably personal and begging you to solve all my problems

it is too easy to become bogged down with doubts, anxiety, and worry.
why is it that when we accomplish something, our elation at success lasts such a brief moment?
was it only three weeks ago that we moved into our house and i felt that life could never get better? how does a person hold on to that joy, rather than becoming consumed with new worries and problems?

it's just been a rough week.

i really, really appreciate all your comments about bravery, because brave was the last thing i felt this week.
things are about to get pretty personal up in here.

it seemed like every single thing that could have happened to trigger my PTSD, happened in the last week. good timing too, since i have been taking a break from counseling to see how i do on my own. yeah, not doin' so hot. i want my training wheels back.

i guess it started about a month ago. but i'll back up even further than that. so the guy who assaulted me, i drive by his house to get to my parents'. he still lives there. he is unemployed, addicted to hard drugs, and not doing anything with his life. so a few months into counseling, i did something that was unprecedented. usually, i would drive by his house and pointedly not look, because i didn't want to relive those memories. this time i drove by, without thinking about it, i raised my hand to his house and flipped him off. and then started laughing uncontrollably. and then cried. and since then, every time i drive by, i flip him the bird. and sometimes add some yelling for good measure, like "screw you!" at the top of my lungs. immature? maybe. but it's the only way i have found to confront him and it makes me feel a little stronger. that small gesture is the most i have ever stood up for myself to him.

ok, so a month ago, i drove by, prepared to do my flip off, and noticed that he had just pulled in the driveway. and the panic hit in the pit of my stomach like it always does. part of me wanted to roll down my window and scream and part of me wanted to hide in a dark hole forever and ever. after that happened, it seemed like everything else just piled up on top. seeing a guy i used to date right after everything terrible happened, seeing that guy who is married with a baby on the way, seeing his eyes land on my chest the way they always used to, like that was the only thing i had that he wanted. because i believed my body was the only valuable part of me for so long.

something that seems the most unfair to me is the way sex can be a trigger. i hate that this beautiful, wonderful thing i have with travis can sometimes lead to horrible memories i locked away. shame, guilt, nausea, so many feelings i don't want to feel when we are together in that way. and they have nothing to do with travis, nothing to do with our love. then i try to hide those feelings from him, but he knows me too well. i end up lying, telling him i'm fine, and then locking myself in the bathroom to deal with my panic attacks alone. i don't think my problems should be his problems, which he completely disagrees with.  he comes looking for me and is so hurt to find me hiding. this doesn't happen every time. but it happened this week and i hate hurting him and i hate that sex can do this to me.

of course, travis is so patient and sweet with me. when i lose control and he sees, i'm terrified that he will leave me. because in that moment, i want to leave myself. of course he never leaves. of course he holds my hand and helps me through it. i feel comfortable enough to cry, to be vulnerable, and i couldn't have that without his support. but then i feel guilty for putting that on his shoulders. like, doesn't he deserve someone stronger, without so much baggage?

told you this was going to be personal. i'm laughing and crying and slightly appalled at how personal this is.

also, have any of you had a really difficult time graduating from college? last night in the car, pandora played a slew of songs that i was obsessed with at different points of my college experience and i ended up bawling my eyes out. travis was pretty confused and i didn't express my feelings very well. as i have said before, college taught me so much about myself and i am so depressed to see it ending. it just seems like the end of my youth (stupid, i know) and the beginning of being an adult. and i hate all those adult options!! full time job or start popping out babies. i just feel trapped. travis asked me, "well what do you want to do with your life?"  without missing a beat, i responded with, "go to the beach. (duh!)"

which, now that i think about it, was the same thing i told everyone i was going to do after high school.

gah! just having a rough time of it. can't believe only three weeks ago we moved in here and i thought life would never be hard again. #facepalm

yesterday, i got online to start the job hunt and found nothing. so then i called my doctor's office to schedule getting the IUD out. because obviously to avoid getting a job i have to get pregnant. and then luckily the doctor's office was already closed because having a baby to avoid the failure of not getting a job after spending all that money on college is obviously a bad idea. and then i think, switch it around- if you get a great job, you'll have an excuse to not have a baby because of how great the job is. plus think how rich you'll be.

... what the h?? 

how do i do this? how do i grow up and why is it always so hard? am i just looking at everything from a negative point of view? will i ever want to be a mother? why am i so scared of having a baby? why do i just want to hide under my covers all day?

someone just tell me what to do, kthanks.

xo

january happenings

last week was crazy.
a lot of great things happened all at once. i'm going to bullet them out for your convenience.

• school started. this semester is my final battle before finally scoring that pesky bachelor's degree. i am taking 13 credits, and my classes are extremely interesting. i have cognitive psych, sensation and perception, abnormal psych, and research methods. these are classes i don't really have any background knowledge in, and this freaks me out, mostly because i like to be the "smart" person in class. yeah, i'm that person. but it's also humbling and interesting to learn things that are completely new, yes? yes. even if it means glaring jealous daggers at the girl in sensation and perception who has gorgeous skin, cool tattoos, and rocks her hot, mulletish hair while answering every question our professor throws out. correctly. and then spouts comments that make him say this, every time, "oh how very interesting. i have never thought about it that way before." ahhh jealousy.

• my mom found a job! my dad has been out of work for a few months now. he works with the stock market and the fund that he traded for shut down. so while he is working on building up business, my mom has renewed her teaching license and been job hunting, along with subbing, teaching music, and creating her own vocal school. (she is making bank from this.) she found a great job this week and i'm so proud of her.

• umm, we may have sold out house. last thursday, some buyers made an offer, we countered at full price, and they have verbally accepted it. we are supposed to hear back today if they signed or not. i am terrified of getting excited too soon, but part of me can't help it. on pins and needles here, people.

• my christmas present finally came! perfect timing too, since now i have school and homework to be working on. instead i have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go outside and learn how to use all the buttons on my camera. i've been having a good time and sometime in the near future will be starting a little business venture. let me know if you want me to practice on you or your family, fo' free!

• my sister-in-law and one of my best friends, who are the same person, found out that she is having a baby girl! the family had a big party to reveal the sex of the baby and we're all just so thrilled.

• i went out to lunch with a new friend of mine, who is one of those kindred spirits who doesn't feel like a new friend at all. we went for thai and spent an afternoon discussing terrible ex boyfriends, sex and our culture, and our shared passion for feminism- so basically all my favorite subjects. check out her blog sometime. and yes, it is quite possible for a devout LDS gal to associate with an atheist gal. WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY!?!?! no really, it's possible for two people with different beliefs to consider and respect each other's thoughts and maybe even, i don't know, learn something! plus we just had a really good time.

• travis went to counseling with me on friday. oh great, now this blog is going to become her PTSD journal. i had some pretty rough nights last week and in counseling, travis and i talked about how each of us deal with all that and some ways that travis can understand what's going on with me. going to probably blog about this more in detail later. basically, this bullet should illustrate how fantastic travis is and how amazing it is to be able to be open with another human being.

well, that's pretty much it for my exciting life. i'll probably just leave you with some pictures. cross your fingers about the house!

i have a pretty fantastic relationship with my father in law. (above)

is travis not SMOKIN' HOT!?

also, thanks melissa for the photo of travis and i.

how to interpret the universe's message to you on a day to day basis

yeah, so do you ever have those days where your life has a theme? like, your life is a tv show, maybe on abc, fox, or HEAVEN FORBID, showtime!? and in every episode there is a different theme? love, loss, heartache, possibly passing your intern tests and becoming a resident at Seattle Grace? (sorry carling, i'm writing this right after reading your blurb about the sexy kathheig on grey's anatomy. i seriously am in love with her and how she has a slight double chin, something i'm pretty insecure about in myself. but i seriously digress here...)

like i was trying to say, days have themes sometimes. like on tuesday, how the theme of my life was slightly sexual vibes from unusual subjects. so yesterday, wednesday, the theme of my life became babies. and it's carried on to this morning at the gym. i'm really hoping it goes away soon, because as you all know, i'm absolutely terrified of having a baby.

babies are a sensitive subject for most people. obviously, a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, miracle. some people want them, some people don't want them. some people are having them around others who want them and it's painful. i can't begin to imagine how painful that has to be. some people, like me, are afraid of becoming mothers. worst part of being a newlywed for me: realizing that someday soon, there could be a chance i would accidentally get pregnant. somehow, this just didn't really hit until i was engaged and then i started freaking out and researching success rates for birth controls. having sex was pretty scary, for the obvious reasons a virgin with a teensy vagina would be scared, but also because now there was this big chance, well 1% chance, that a living being would take up residence in my uterus and demand a portion of my body, mind, time, life, and identity. which absolutely is horrifying for me to consider.

(for anyone who is pregnant and reading this, please don't let my fears interrupt the truly awesome work you are doing. seriously, i don't really respect anyone more than you.)

also, i am not, and have never been, a baby hater. i love kids. i'm actually pretty great with kids. they love me. i love them. me not being ready to birth one does not make me a heartless judas priest. we all have our fears, right?

ok. back to the theme of my day yesterday. i get to my child/adoles development class and the topic is: transitioning to parenthood.

wonderful.

we learned all about how marital satisfaction decreases, how 13% of couples separate before their babies are 18 months old, and all the stress placed on the new couple. how they have to face their differences that have never come up in their marriage. how actually, 90% of parents feel completely polarized from their partner after their first child is born. and ok, it's psychology, you can't take those studies and make them your bible or anything. but there has to be some truth behind all that work, right? (this is the part where, if you have had a baby, it would be great for you to tell me how it was for you.)

ok, so after hearing all this, things that i already freak out about pretty regularly, i went to my parents' house for dinner. travis is out of town for the week, working, so i have been hanging out with my mom. well, naturally we watched the latest episode of sister wives. because we like to marvel at the idea of sharing your husband with other women. funny thing, because most of the world associates mormons with polygamy, because our church practiced it briefly in its early years. i'm lds and i would consider myself pretty devoted. but i would not be down with sharing travis with another woman. well, unless it was that pretty girl who flirted with me the other day... just kidding.

well on this particular episode of sister wives, the newest wife gave birth. at home. in her bed. without drugs. my mom, who birthed all of us without the help of drugs, was impressed. i, on the other hand, was sweating, heart rate rising, almost crying of fear. not for the wife in the screen, but for me! i don't think i can do that! i don't know if i even want to do that!

then, this morning i went to my thursday kickbox class. one woman who goes just had a baby and i have been watching with interest how quickly she has lost the weight. i'm pretty chummy with the instructor and she knows i was recently married. so today, we are doing walking lunges and i was pretty tired. i wasn't using weights like the rest of the class, because it messes up my form and hurts my bad knees. she looked at my red face and asked, "are you doing ok?" i reassured her i was fine and then she gave me this knowing smile and said, "ooooohhhhhhh i get it. well be careful."

i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm pregnant.
for the rest of the class she kind of watched me and i wanted to yell, "NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! I'M JUST REALLY TIRED! MY BOOBS ARE EXTRA BIG BECAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD!"

i'm a huge freak, basically.

it's just really hard to wrap my head around the idea of having a baby. travis and i have been talking about when and if it will happen. i was thinking, maybe i'll be brave after i graduate and work for a bit. maybe like next fall or something. but then we are planning to go on a cruise next january and i don't want to be pregnant on a cruise. and when am i supposed to go to grad school? how am i supposed to fit all the things i want plus create life???

i cry about this sometimes. and yeah, i'm shallow. i don't want to mess up this body i've been sculpting for the past few years. i don't want to risk my acne coming back and dominating my life. i really like my life, just the way it is. sleeping in, afternoon lovin' and a nap, late nights with friends. a clean house. being able to come and go as i please.

but there is a small piece of me that wonders. could i do it? i think i would be a really great mom and travis was practically born to be dad.

ah, but breastfeeding. that freaks me out so much.

see, maybe i'm just not ready. maybe you moms out there could tell me about your experiences and your fears? and how it all turned out?

anyway, hoping the theme of my week changes soon, before these thoughts, plus finals finish me off for good. cheers!

a fairly decent hallow's eve

i usually don't like halloween. i have never been that person who gets dressed up and goes out. i'm not big on parties, even back when i was hot and single. it seemed like every year i ended up hanging out, playing guitar, eating candy, or whatever.

today was no different. i went running, cleaned, did homework, went to class, and had a pretty average day. travis is at work, so we weren't doing anything together.

yet, i still had a pretty decent day.
here are some reasons why:

1. a lot of guys dressed up as girls for halloween up at the university of utah. and i'm not talking just stuffing the bra. their costumes involved shaving of legs, high heeled boots, acrylic nails, eyeliner, corsets, and gorgeous wigs. the gay guy in my class today, i couldn't tell he was a man. his curves looked real. (and pretty nice, for that matter.) it was impressive.

2. seeing adults wearing masks, painting on bloody bruises, and sporting mad eye moody costumes.

3. listening to an old, toothless, black man singing, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" on trax. he had a very nice voice.

3. this:
i have pretty high expectations for holidays. and it's because my mom has always done crazy things like this meatloaf hand she cooked for dinner. she had the table beautifully decorated and we drank ginger ale with fresh lime from her nice crystal glasses. she invited me over for the carnage and it even tasted great.

4. doing stats homework ALL NIGHT. why would that be part of a good day, you ask? because i almost started sobbing about 6 different times from frustration, but in the end i figured it out and got a good grade. this stats class is really teaching me how to stick to something difficult. every time i do homework, i consider dropping out of school. not just as a joke, but throwing away 5 years of work and money just so i don't have to do this one math class. and every time i finish the work and understand, i get a little more confidence. tackling weakness is so empowering!

5. visiting travis at work today. going to the fire station is always a good time. the guys he works with are so easy going and friendly, always playing jokes on each other. travis had a little teeny fire he got to put out today, so he was in a great mood. i do love that man. :)

6. i turned in my application to graduate next spring and everything is right on track. i can't believe i only have to register for classes one more time! (until i get that master's... eventually.)

another halloween come and gone. hope yours was > mine.

(yeah, i threw a tiny piece of math in there. it's not so scary after all.)

happy halloweener!