sphincter upset

i want to start this off by saying something truly personal.

i have always been blessed with regularity, the kind that you flush. i'll just come out and say it: i am lucky enough to poop several times a day, never have constipation or intestinal cramping. i rarely get sick, and probably only suffer from diarrhea twice a year. that being said, yesterday as i stood in my kitchen, gulping down 8 ounces of miralax, because i hadn't had a bowel movement in three and a half days, i stood back and thought, "when did this become my life?"

let me back up a few days.

last friday, i was lucky enough to go to the women part's doctor (as it's named in my phone) to have an IUD put in. or rather, shoved in. as aforementioned, i had a pretty bad experience my first time to the gynecologist when i passed out and fell off of the exam table. so, needless to say, i was entirely freaked out. my dear mom took me, because travis was working, and she did her best to keep me calm, but really, nothing can soothe a girl whose legs are in the stirrups and a strange (but extremely handsome, but then i love prematurely grey hair) older man staring at her hoo-ha.

when i'm nervous, i talk a lot and it's not always appropriate. so about the time dr. barton began to "feel me up" i had to ask, "how's my vagina?" dr. barton glanced up and replied, "oh, it looks very good, very healthy." my reply. "oh good, that's what every girl loves to hear!"

and so it began.

for those of you who haven't experienced an IUD, let me just say that it hurt. worse than anything else has ever hurt in my life. stabbing pain of my uterus being literally ripped. and there was blood and the doctor didn't want to go through with it because of how loud i was yelling. but there was no way i wasn't finishing after feeling all that pain, so he quickly shoved the thing up there, through my cervix and into my little, unstretched by pregnancy uterus. afterwards, i got sick, puked a ton, almost passed out a few times, and then had some very intense cramping. my sweet mom ran to the pharmacy to get me lortab, and that helped a lot.

the doctor had gotten to know me pretty well by then and said the best thing to comfort me. he came in to check on me after, and said, "it could be worse. at least you're not pregnant." i wanted to kiss him!

so apparently, my body really loves lortab. i had never had any drugs like that before, but once it kicked in, i was feeling gooooood. we went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and cousins and i was a little more inappropriate than usual, at one point yelling, "that dress really makes your boobs look so perky and luscious!" the woman working at the shop didn't really know how to handle it. my cousin also had strep throat, and they were trying to keep it on the DL, but i loudly asked her how she was feeling and mentioned that she had strep at least 4 times.

anyway, back to the miralax. so after all the trauma and pain, and then the intense cramping that followed me home, i was reluctant to, shall we say, push in any way down there. so i didn't poop for a day. then two. then by day three, i was freaking out. hence the miralax.

plus i got a terrible cold. pretty much my body is railing against me for the foreign device now living inside my (according to the doctor) textbook uterus. but i am proud to announce that an hour ago, i had a bowel movement, did the deed, dropped the duce, or travis's personal favorite, "took the cosbys to the pool."

anyway, the pain is a lot better and travis has taken excellent care of me. plus he gave me a cat for mother's day and decided he wanted one of his own, too. oh and, one last thing. the doctor told me i had the strongest pelvic floor muscles he had ever seen. i've been bursting with pride that the pilates and yoga have actually worked. :)

hope your sphincters and rectums are all in good health!