strong

two posts in the span of five hours? yes, i must have a test to study for.

but.
i just got back from counseling and i am bursting with good feelings and hope.
and since that last post was a little downer, and although i think it's important to say the good and the bad, i wanted to say a few things that are positive.

i believe in God.
 not a "cold, all powerful, lighting bolt throwing, judgement pronouncing, black and white God", but in an actual being who knows me personally and cares for my every day well being.
i know in this day and age, proclaiming to believe in God can produce all kinds of feelings and negative connotations, because of so many who parade their agendas in the name of deity and actually do a great amount of harm.
i believe in a God who loves every person on this earth, regardless of what they believe, look like, or how they act. i also believe that only God knows us well enough to cast judgement on us and that when evaluating our actions, he includes mercy, empathy, and kindness toward us. this can be really hard to remember, that God is in charge of judging us, and that we are not capable of knowing what is in a person's heart. but i try to leave it to Him.

ok, so I believe in God, so what?
I am feeling really thankful to God right now.
Last week i was having a rough day. it had been two weeks since i had gone to counseling, and i knew i should probably schedule a session, but i was feeling that it was pointless. that it wouldn't change anything, and that i should just go back to avoiding, not fighting, and not trying to heal. i was feeling a lot of things and having thoughts i hadn't had in a long time. travis told me i needed to call and schedule a session, but i was avoiding it.
while i was at the library studying, my phone rang. and it was jessica, my counselor. she wanted to make sure she hadn't forgotten to book an appointment for me so she wouldn't stand me up if i came in the next day, because fridays are usually our appointment days. it worked out that she had a spot open up today.

a person could look at that small experience and chalk it up to coincidence. i mean, it wasn't like God himself called me. but i truly believe jessica was meant to be my counselor, because she is so easy to talk to and relates so well to me, and i truly believe she was meant to call me on that day, of all days, when i was so down and out.

today in counseling, i confronted things that i haven't said out loud because of how terrifying they are. but i confronted them and even though i still remember, and they are still part of me, i am stronger for facing them. i don't feel weak and incapable right now. i know that i am not alone and that God places us in each other's lives for reasons we don't always understand at first, but that help us to feel joy. i am so incredibly thankful for my life, that i am able to live here and learn things, even though at times it's painful, it's messy, and it's awful. because those things make us strong.

i am thankful for a loving God who knows me and my struggles, and who cares about them, even trivial things like getting docked five points on my orgasm paper. i am thankful for my travis. it's so scary to love someone and trust him to love all of you, but it has been so worth it. i'm thankful for family and dear friends. i'm thankful for you and for your comments of hope and believing. i talk about you in counseling and how you have really helped me to not feel so alone, so thank you.
we all really are stronger than we know. 
if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to get in touch with me.
love. xo