believe

you know those days when you don't believe in yourself? and you feel like you could never succeed? yeah i had one of those yesterday. sitting in my research methods class, a voice seemed to say to me, you're going to fail all your classes. you aren't going to graduate this may because you're going to fail your test next week. and if you even do graduate, you won't be able to find a job because no one would want to hire you. and don't even think about starting your own photography business, because you're a fake, and you don't know anything, and no one would ever trust you to take their pictures. then i started to think about how if all of that happens, i'll just be sitting home all day and then everyone will tell me to have a baby, which then led to my panicked thoughts of motherhood and how i'm not ready and probably never will be and if i did have a baby, i would ruin him/her because i'm not fit to be a mother.

all of these thoughts in the span of three minutes.
when i talked to travis later, i tentatively tried them out on him, telling him i felt stressed out and like i'm a failure. because jessica, my counselor, has been helping me understand how important it is to communicate with travis when i feel down, instead of just keeping it all inside like usual. travis, of course, was very understanding about everything. he reassured me that i'm not a failure, and that i have never failed at anything i really tried to do.
then he told me that i don't even have to work.
"well what am i supposed to do all day long?" i asked.
"there are quite a few seasons of desperate housewives you could re-watch." he replied.

although that sounds really enticing, i woke up this morning and decided to act. i'm afraid to say this out loud, because someone may laugh and i just care way too much about what everyone thinks of me.
i want to be a photographer.
not like a national geographics photographer who becomes famous, or someone who shoots for the new york times, or anything like that, but someone who takes pictures of families, weddings, and babies.
i have had several people caution me that it's harder than i think, which everything usually is, and that i shouldn't do it just because everyone else is doing it. well, it turns out when i have a camera in my hands, i'm pretty happy. it's like that feeling i get when i play music, like i can't get enough of it. i dream about my camera, i take it everywhere with me, it sleeps next to my bed.
this is getting a little creepy... 
and i'm not looking for compliments here, although no one ever wishes not to have compliments, but what i'm trying to say is that i'm going to try for this dream. a lot of times in the past when i really wanted something, but was afraid of failure or that people would criticize me, or that i wouldn't be the best, i would just quit. not even try. but i want this to be different. i want to believe in myself. why is it so easy for us to believe we can't succeed?

so while i should have been in my weight lifting class, i created this blog. it's not perfect, and there is hardly anything on it, but it's a start. 

so if you know of anyone who wants their picture taken for cheap (or you readers want pictures for free because i love people who follow my blog) please direct them to my photography blog.

this saturday i am meeting with a girl who wants me to do her wedding.
i'm terrified!
but excited.
so anyway, believe in your dreams, even though it's scary.
i was talking to some friends last week and one of them is an aspiring musician. he is really, really talented. but when people ask him what he's doing with his life, he's embarrassed to say, "i'm in a band and i play music." he is afraid they will judge him and think, who are you to be successful at what you love. i told him he should own it, and not be afraid, to have some confidence. later, a wise friend told me that i should follow my own advice.  it's always easier to believe in other people, rather than yourself.

but this is a start. thanks for all your love. xo