pretty pictures of a pretty girl

i had a fantastic day- cleaned house- even scrubbed the shower, did laundry, homework, and ran three miles. but easily the best part of the day was when sara came over and we took those. ^ she brought duffel bags full of her amazing clothes and basically let me play dress up with her. i curled her hair, applied her makeup, and rearranged my living room a zillion times. and yes, i posted way too many. the girl is just so gorgeous!! and let me just tell you, she isn't wearing any foundation, blush, or powder. her skin, is all hers. so jealous.

more (if it's possible) husband boastings.

i know i just posted, but lately i just cannot go to sleep unless travis is home. he isn't home tonight and i am glued to my computer. when travis is at work, the computer is kind of my companionship, whether it's through music, social networking, desperate housewives, or as i tried to watch today, lost. i know i'm late to the lost train, but seriously, i can't take that show seriously. not because i don't like the actors or plot, but because i used to live near to where they filmed it. so when i see them freaking out about being stranded on a strange island, i'm just thinking, "duh, just hitch a ride up to haleiwa eats and you'll be fine.

plus i'm pretty bitter that they all want off the island when i would do anything to be on the island. 

anyway, i'm just missing travis and thought i would say a few things about him.

1. i can't remember if i've already said this, but travis refuses to ever say if he finds another woman attractive. yeah, i think i've already posted this. oh well. this week, i was badgering him about this really gorgeous girl on facebook. "isn't she so pretty?" i kept saying. "you're pretty." was all he would say. "i like you."

2. i had to go to the dermatologist last week to take my final accutane pregnancy test and while we were there, i had some moles checked out. the derm ended up taking a couple off of my back and face (just little red ones, and he did it FOR FREE because he is amazing like that.) well, it hurt A LOT. as we were driving home, i was looking at travis with the i need frozen yogurt eyes. he is well acquainted with them. he smiled at me and said, "you were so brave at the doctor, so i think we should get you a treat." true love.

3.  going house shopping with travis is pretty funny. i'm fairly sure i know how he feels, but he won't say if he likes or doesn't like a certain house. i'll just badger him about it and he will just say, "it's okay." i know that six hours later, he will be pumped about the one i figured he liked. knowing a person this way comes in handy when you feel like being frustrated that they aren't being enthusiastic at the exact moment you want them to be.

4. listening to music with travis is not like listening with anyone else. he likes to change the words so that "collettiepoo" is the theme of every song. sometimes/mostimes, the song is a little dirty. good dirty, not gross dirty.

5. travis is kind of shy about being a fireman. when we go house shopping and the realtors ask him what he does, a lot of the time he just says, "i work for murray city." i'm the one who chimes in and informs them that he is a big, brave fireman, fighting fires and saving lives. pretty proud of him. 

it's real love guys. still can't believe someone so great could love me the way he does.

sunday evening

are you tired of boring pictures yet? 

too bad. 

i went to a class on exposure on saturday 

and needed to doodle with "scary things" 

like iso and aperture. 

plus my family is cute, huh? 

(missing reed who is on his mission and travis

who is at the fire station.) 

enjoy my sunday evening

the way i remember it growing up. 

being too young

yesterday, travis picked me up from the gym and asked, "do you have an hour to spare?" since i love nothing more than procrastinating my homework, i agreed to go up to daybreak with him and take a peek at some homes for sale. we ended up spending three hours up there and found a house both of us are kind of obsessed with. and it's kind of terrifying! there are so many "what ifs" to worry about. like when our realtor called last night and both of us froze, not wanting to answer on the off chance that he's going to tell us the buyers backed out. or weren't pre-approved, or anything else awful. i finally answered.
"hey so the buyers want to come over tomorrow night at 7 to take some measurements and show their kids the house."
i agree to this and then hang up the phone.
"travis, what if they take the measurements and none of their stuff fits in our house and then they change their minds!? and what if they are bringing their kids over to see if they like it and then when they hate it they're going to back out!? what if we are stuck in the house for the rest of our lives!?"

obviously, i'm a little stressed. travis reassured me that they are excited. they just bought a house! they want to plan for it and show the kids their new home! they are feeling the excitement we were feeling while looking in daybreak. but i just want to call the buyers and ask them over and over to promise not to back out.
i'm just not old enough for all this. is that just how everyone feels for their entire lives?

mamma makes a pizza

capital O

in my research methods class:

professor: "ok class, tell us what sort of research in the field of psychology interests you most."
older man with silver hair: "i want to know about PTSD in war veterans."
short hair girl: "i am interested in why some people kill each other."
bearded flannel wearing hipster who already informed us about his experience being a research assistant: "well we are researching the effects of human error on #insert huge words and boring descriptions#."
me: "well i'm interested in gender and also in sexuality, specifically women and orgasm."
entire class: ..... turning around and staring .....
professor: "yeah, um, well you can never really have enough research on improving upon that, can you?"

damn straight.

an unlikely love story, part 1: the setup

this is the story of how i met my husband, travis, and how we came to love each other. be prepared for Harlequin, steamy, romance and/or Mormon virgin lovers. i guess you'll just have to see for yourself...
this story probably really begins in 2004, the year i started high school at Murray High. i can still remember that first day of school, wearing my new red top that showed off my summer tan lines. i had spent an hour straightening my hair that morning. i had high hopes for high school to be different from middle school, hoped this might be the year i made friends and stepped out of my loner/shyness habits.

the new high school seemed enormous. three floors, brand spankin' new. the 12th graders seemed so old and i remembering feeling intimidated by gorgeous girls in short shorts, with deep tans and thick makeup, eyeliner and cheek bronzer that looked so effortless.
one such girl was the "TA" for my third period Biology class. she flirted with the teacher, who flirted right back, and all the boys in the class stared. this was the class where i would meet travis.

the first day of high school, seven years ago, and i can still remember the first time i saw those big blue eyes. of course, i had no idea then that someday i would marry him. i had a little baby crush on travis the first month of school, but he was painfully shy, so i moved on. i can remember doing labs, trying my darndest to get his attention. i called him "travis blue eyes," when talking about him to my friends, because i didn't know his last name yet.

we never dated and we weren't really part of the same group of friends, although we were in the same group for senior ball. i actually have a picture of us sitting side by side in that hummer limo, each with our dates, completely oblivious to the fact that one day we would be a couple.
the only thing i really knew about travis in high school was that he had an old '68 mustang. he was fiercely proud of it and could always be found working in the autoshop.

high school mercifully passed and i hardly ever thought about travis bodtcher, the skinny, shy boy from biology class. i was dating alex hansen, which is a story all by itself, and didn't really think about anyone else. until one day, i was home from my first year of college at SUU, and i was working out at the Murray Rec Center. i was lifting weights in front of the mirror and noticed the Murray firemen were there working out, too. and travis was there with them. for the first time since i'd known him, travis walked over to me and started up a conversation. we talked about my college and his firefighting ambitions as a cadet, and i remembered thinking, he's cute, but i'm already dating a great guy. i did think about him from time to time during the following year, though.

we didn't speak again until the summer of 2008. i was about to move to hawaii for school. i was sort of dating a guy, mostly because my best friend was dating his best friend, and i was determined to break any ties i had before moving. alex hansen was on his mission and i was ready to break free and have an adventure.

it was a friday night, and my friend morgan and i had spent the evening planning my upcoming birthday party. all that planning had worked up our appetites, and we decided to make a McDonald's run. it had been almost a year since i'd eaten there, because i was trying to eat healthier. we stood in line and when it was our turn to order, i noticed travis bodtcher in the drive through. i waved at him and we started talking, or rather, yelling to each other through the kitchen. the line was building behind me and cars were honking for him to move, so he called, "i'll just come in there!" i turned to morgan and said, "why is he coming in here?" because we weren't ever really great friends.

travis came in and was wearing a work uniform of some kind. (he later told me that his uniform gave him the courage to come talk to me.) we told him about my birthday party and invited him to come. i really didn't think he would actually come, but he promised to stop by.

the day of my birthday party came and i wondered if travis bodtcher would actually show up. i had my hair cut and colored and paid extra attention to my outfit. the manboy i was dating threw a fit and left the party early, just in time for travis and his cousin to show up at my door. long story short, i somehow ended up on his lap and he asked me out. on a real date. not just a "oh hey let's hang out" but a real date where he would pick me up at seven.

i was pretty intrigued.

for reals? for reals.

those buyers, you know, the ones who already verbally agreed to our contract? well my uncle, our realtor just called me, and they SIGNED the contract!!!!!

ok, before you start screaming and jumping up and down with joy-and by you i mean me,- just remember that we are not out of the woods just yet. there will be an inspection and appraisal, and these folks can back out any time they feel the need.

but they have already given notice to their landlord that they are moving, they want to continue to live in murray, and they accepted our counteroffer of full price and no fridge included. all these things lead me to believe that they do, in fact, want our house.

i'm sitting on my couch, unshowered, unwashed, and unbelieving, in orange sweat pants and trav's murray fire sweatshirt. bra less. i look like a homeless person, and in fact, i may soon be!!! i wandered around the house in a daze today, unable to complete the tasks i began and jumping from nervousness every time the phone rang because what if it's the realtor with news that they didn't sign!?

maybe now i can get some homework done.

the other night after they verbally accepted our counteroffer, i asked travis how he was doing.
"well, i'm homeless." he said. "it's pretty rough." which led to delighted giggles and a bit of kissing i'm sure.

holy mole, is this real life?

january happenings

last week was crazy.
a lot of great things happened all at once. i'm going to bullet them out for your convenience.

• school started. this semester is my final battle before finally scoring that pesky bachelor's degree. i am taking 13 credits, and my classes are extremely interesting. i have cognitive psych, sensation and perception, abnormal psych, and research methods. these are classes i don't really have any background knowledge in, and this freaks me out, mostly because i like to be the "smart" person in class. yeah, i'm that person. but it's also humbling and interesting to learn things that are completely new, yes? yes. even if it means glaring jealous daggers at the girl in sensation and perception who has gorgeous skin, cool tattoos, and rocks her hot, mulletish hair while answering every question our professor throws out. correctly. and then spouts comments that make him say this, every time, "oh how very interesting. i have never thought about it that way before." ahhh jealousy.

• my mom found a job! my dad has been out of work for a few months now. he works with the stock market and the fund that he traded for shut down. so while he is working on building up business, my mom has renewed her teaching license and been job hunting, along with subbing, teaching music, and creating her own vocal school. (she is making bank from this.) she found a great job this week and i'm so proud of her.

• umm, we may have sold out house. last thursday, some buyers made an offer, we countered at full price, and they have verbally accepted it. we are supposed to hear back today if they signed or not. i am terrified of getting excited too soon, but part of me can't help it. on pins and needles here, people.

• my christmas present finally came! perfect timing too, since now i have school and homework to be working on. instead i have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go outside and learn how to use all the buttons on my camera. i've been having a good time and sometime in the near future will be starting a little business venture. let me know if you want me to practice on you or your family, fo' free!

• my sister-in-law and one of my best friends, who are the same person, found out that she is having a baby girl! the family had a big party to reveal the sex of the baby and we're all just so thrilled.

• i went out to lunch with a new friend of mine, who is one of those kindred spirits who doesn't feel like a new friend at all. we went for thai and spent an afternoon discussing terrible ex boyfriends, sex and our culture, and our shared passion for feminism- so basically all my favorite subjects. check out her blog sometime. and yes, it is quite possible for a devout LDS gal to associate with an atheist gal. WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY!?!?! no really, it's possible for two people with different beliefs to consider and respect each other's thoughts and maybe even, i don't know, learn something! plus we just had a really good time.

• travis went to counseling with me on friday. oh great, now this blog is going to become her PTSD journal. i had some pretty rough nights last week and in counseling, travis and i talked about how each of us deal with all that and some ways that travis can understand what's going on with me. going to probably blog about this more in detail later. basically, this bullet should illustrate how fantastic travis is and how amazing it is to be able to be open with another human being.

well, that's pretty much it for my exciting life. i'll probably just leave you with some pictures. cross your fingers about the house!

i have a pretty fantastic relationship with my father in law. (above)

is travis not SMOKIN' HOT!?

also, thanks melissa for the photo of travis and i.

got a facelift

i am a teeny bit obsessed with my new camera.

thank you

the past few days i have been overwhelmed with your responses to my last post. each of your responses brought me to tears. thank you for the emails and for sharing your own stories. i can't tell you what it means to me to have support like this!

i wanted to share my story to possibly help someone else, but all of you have ended up touching my heart. so thank you, thank you. i look up to each of you so much!

it's easy to forget that we are all in this together, that we all want basically the same things and that we all have similar struggles. it's incredible to see the results of someone reaching out to another person. thank you for renewing my hope and proving that i'm not alone in this.

xo

being brave, part II

so. what i'm going to say is pretty scary. i have been trying to get up the courage to write this for a long time.

you know how i'm all about being honest on this blog? saying the good, bad, and ugly?
i haven't been honest. i haven't been open.

i have butterflies in my stomach. i might chicken out.

i'm afraid for several reasons.
1. any person who reads this will think of me as completely different.
2. i'm afraid of backlash.
3. i don't want to be seen as a victim.

well if this is so scary, then why am i sharing? i want to share this because i know that one out of any four, if not more, women, (and yes, some men too) have gone through what i'm dealing with in some form. i want those men and women to read this and know that they aren't alone and that there is help and hope out there.

ok.
several months ago, i almost ended my life.
yes, i know what some of you may be thinking. suicide is selfish. how could you even consider doing that to your loved ones. let me tell you, if you are thinking these things, it is because you have never been so low that those things didn't matter. when the only option that sounds reasonable is for life to be over, you aren't thinking about being selfish. you're thinking of an end to your pain.

when i was 14 years old, i was sexually assaulted multiple times over a period of about six months. he was a neighbor boy, a year older than me. i thought he was going to be my first kiss.
it's a very long, messy, terrible story that i'm not really ready to share. but it involved enormous amounts of betrayal, guilt, pain, self loathing, the whole bit.

so then at 15, i actually attempted suicide. when that didn't take, i went on to date many boys who used me, belittled me, and who only proved to me that no one could be trusted and that i probably wasn't worth anything.

i have spent the past eight years cycling through repressing, remembering, shutting down, shutting others out, blaming myself, using obsessive compulsive behaviors to trick myself into feeling like i have control, denying, and trying to hide. sometimes i would really think everything was going to be ok, that i was finally over what happened. then, i would see his car, or hear a song that reminded me of him, or even on several occasions, run into him at the mall or the movies. i ran away to college and tried to forget everything, but every time i dated someone who tried to feel me up, it all came back. it was always there, just beneath the surface of my smiling confidence.

i slept through high school. my mom, concerned with my parent teacher reports of me "always sleeping through class," took me to our family doctor to test for anemia. no one knew i had depression. it didn't even cross the doctor's mind.

meanwhile, the boys who had been involved bullied me at school, peed on my house, and made their message clear that i was to keep quiet about everything. one boy who was involved used to scream "you're disgusting! whore!" when he saw me in school.

i used to see him with his girlfriend in the halls and wonder if she knew him in the same way i did. i doubted it.

i didn't know how to open up about this. poor travis wasn't sure how to handle it, but after things got really bad a few months ago, he basically "forced" me to go to counseling.

i meet all the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD.

my counselor's name is jessica and she is wonderful. i highly recommend therapy. i'm doing better than i have been since i was that 14 year old girl. it's just nice to have a safe place and a safe person to open up to. right now jessica is helping me to understand the things that trigger the memories and understand that the reactions i have- panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, fear, etc,- are not me, but reactions of PTSD. i've been going to counseling for about eight weeks now and it's really helping. next week, travis is going to come with me and hopefully i'll start learning how to open up to him about everything and let him in.

if you are a survivor of sexual assault or molestation, please know that your life doesn't have to be defined by what happened to you. it wasn't your fault. you don't have to live in fear or deal with it all on your own. i wouldn't have believed that a few months ago, and maybe you don't right now either, but please, please, don't think you are alone.

i know that some of you may read this and think, wow, she really over-shared this time. this is not the appropriate venue for her to work on this. to those people i say, you are part of the problem. our culture needs to address these things, instead of blaming the victim and keeping everything swept under the rug.

i want to say a quick thank you to travis. it really is a miracle that we are together. i never thought i would find a person who cared so much and was so selfless. i never dreamed i could trust someone like i trust travis.

also, a thank you to two dear friends who reminded me why i wanted to live. you both know who you are.

if you have questions or want to talk about a similar experience, please email me. collette.charles7@gmail.com.