rape 101

i'm at the library, trying to revise a final paper, but waiting on feedback from my professor. i just attended my last sensation and perception class, and i didn't even fall asleep. not like last week, when my professor chucked a paper clip at me and rudely ended my 45 minute nap. plus my mouth was open, so it was a major choking hazard. definitely gonna put that on his teacher evaluation.

things have been insanely busy. between gearing up for finals, writing my orgasm paper, being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding, throwing travis a surprise birthday party, photo shoots, getting ready to graduate and taking care of all those annoying details like announcements and planning, i have not had much time to write.

and i need to find a job asap. um. how does an adult find a job? when i used to hunt for summer jobs to save for college, i would just put on a professional looking outfit and walk through department stores asking if they were hiring. i feel like it's not okay to go to psych wings in hospitals and do the same. or where ever else i could work. where am i going to work? will someone please just make this decision for me? isn't the whole point of college to prepare you for the occupation you have chosen? how is it that i'm graduating and still have no idea what to be?

deep breaths.

so sometime when i'm home and have my camera handy, i'll do the whole "pictures of my house, the surprise party, the cute wreath i made, my flower garden, friend's wedding" post.  but right now i want to talk about a conversation i had with a dear friend a few months ago. and it's about rape, so if that brings up any scary feelings or memories for you, read at your own discretion.

i've been wanting to say all this for a while but it's just so much easier to post cute pictures of my house and talk about the "fun" parts of life. i have a family member who gets upset when i talk about things like rape or abuse, and asks me why i focus on such depressing issues. why can't we just talk about something else. well i'll tell you, it would be so much easier to just talk about the good stuff, but if we don't talk about the scary things, how are we ever going to fix them? as much as i wish it would, ignoring something does not make it go away.

so my friend and i were talking about her first experience with sex. she was young and the boy was cold about it. he would tell her that she didn't need to love a person to have sex with him and that he didn't love her, that her personality just didn't work for him. she was young, insecure, and afraid. all along, she had believed it was consensual and she had been so ashamed of herself for it. they had dated on and off, but he never wanted to commit to being her boyfriend. and every time she went back to him, she felt more ashamed. this was the story she had always told me.

the night we talked about this, she told me how she had been reading a textbook definition of rape. reading that definition, she began to think about her own first experience with sex. how she had said no, multiple times, or that he was hurting her, and that he hadn't stopped. she had thought that because she wasn't screaming, or fighting, or calling for help or in a dark alley with a stranger, that sex had been consensual. she read the definition and realized the truth of what had happened to her.

she is an adult. a college student. a well educated person. the public school system never taught her about rape or how to protect herself. (and i'm opening up a whole other can of worms here with that.)

i thought about my own experience. how i blamed myself for everything and lied to my parents about what had happened because i was afraid of what he would do if he knew i had told. so i knew that something had happened that wasn't supposed to happen, but i thought it was my fault. then when i started tenth grade, a rape crisis counselor came to our health class and talked about sexual assault. that if you were afraid, or said no, or were afraid to say no, or were coerced, or held against your will, etc, etc, etc, that what happened wasn't consensual. i thought that rape meant a woman wearing a short skirt walking down a dark alley late at night.

then last year, i had an experience at the fire station that blew me away. before i say this, i want you to know that travis works with amazing men. they are so willing to help and so willing to risk their lives for others. but this conversation was alarming and can't be excused.

one night i visited travis at work. we were sitting around talking with all the guys. they asked me how school was going, what classes i was taking, etc. i started talking to them about my gender studies class and our discussion on rape that day. it was a spark igniting a bomb. all of a sudden, everyone was talking all at once, talking about girls who tease men, about kobe bryant and how unfair it is that women have so much power to ruin a good man's name. these men were instantly angry. i was confused. "so wait. if you're with a woman and she is flirting with you and the idea of having sex with you, and then she changes her mind, you would still go for it?" i asked.
"if she's going to be a tease, she needs to see it through!" the men agreed.
"okay, but if you're about to have sex and she changes her mind for any reason, you wouldn't respect that?" i asked, specifically.
"she can't just expect me to stop if she is going to be a tease!" they answered.

i was floored. floored. grown men who i trusted and admired. grown men telling me how wrong it is for a woman to lead on a guy, get him all hot and bothered, and then say no. that they wouldn't accept no for an answer.

then the captain appeared in the doorway.
"i'll tell you what." he said in a low voice. "if some guy was with my daughter and didn't respect her saying no, i would f*** that guy up."

then the men looked at their feet and agreed.

it took a man, their captain, saying what i had been saying to them for twenty minutes, to get their attention.

teach your children about sexual assault. teach your parents. teach your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, aunts, uncles, niece, nephews, everyone.

these are facts.

if a woman chooses to wear revealing attire and go out late at night, she is not asking for it. 
the person doesn't have to be a stranger for it to be sexual assault, rape, or molestation.
if you are uncomfortable, say no, are afraid to say no, or are being threatened in any way- words or weapons, it is not consensual.
just because you weren't screaming for help, doesn't mean you consented.
it is not the survivor's fault. i'll say it again, louder.
it is not the survivor's fault. 

it doesn't matter where you were, what you were wearing, if you were flirting, what time of night it was, if you were walking home alone, etc. it was not your fault; the blame lies with the perpetrator. 

get educated and get the people around you educated. read this: {here} to get started.
it's almost impossible that someone in your life hasn't gone through this.
let's teach each other the truth so that we don't have to find out what really happened to us from a textbook.

as always, email me if you have experience with sexual assault and need someone to talk to.
collette.charles7@gmail.com

xo