a little girl drowning in a big black robe, and other dramatic tales of woe

graduating from college is a weird thing.

obviously, it's awesome because i get to stop paying thousands of dollars for tuition, fees, and books.
obviously, it's awesome because i don't have to write papers, do freakin' statistics, and be stressed out all the time.
obviously, it's awesome because it means i accomplished something that took a lot of time and effort.
obviously, it's awesome because then i get to take the next step in life. whatever that is.

less obviously, it's really weird and kind of freaking me out a little.

like, a few minutes ago, i went up the elevator (the university of utah's psychology building has this legendary, rickety old elevator that i both love and fear. and there are 13 (?)  floors in the building. even though it's crappy and we all whine about it, i love the psych building.) but a few minutes ago, i took the elevator up to the advising office to make sure everything is in order for me to graduate in a few weeks.

"hi, you need to talk to an advisor?"
"um yeah, i just need to make sure i'm actually going to graduate this semester."
eyebrow. "did you apply to graduate last fall?"
"oh yeah, i'm all set, but i just have this vision of sending out announcements and then everyone comes to watch and then i don't actually graduate because something went wrong."
awkward overshare moment while the advisor checks my information. "well, everything looks great. you're definitely going to graduate." 
"are you sure?"
"um, yes."
"well, i guess i really am going to graduate then, even though i keep thinking i'm going to fail all my classes this semester, but i just got a test back today and i got a 97% on it, so i guess i really am graduating."
another, even worse awkward overshare moment  before i get on the elevator and come down here to the lab to write this.

not to brag, but i have gotten really good at college. like that test i just got back, i didn't learn any of the information from my teacher. i either sleep through or skip every class because he is so boring. and there might be something wrong with his system, because although i just aced a test about the ears and how they work, to save my life, i couldn't tell you how they actually work. and it's not even that his tests are easy, because they aren't; the class averages have been consistently around 60%. i just figured out how to take tests. read the chapters the day before the test and make flashcards, then study them on the train on the way to take the test. yeah, this sounds like bragging. but to my credit, this is something i have been working on for the past six years.
six years. if i had known what i wanted to be when i started, i could be finishing my master's degree this year.
but i wouldn't change my college experience for anything. except maybe staying in hawaii longer, or like, forever, but only if travis could have been part of that.

i'm kind of a college snob, as in i think everyone should go to some college. but i'm biased. it's just that college really helped me believe in myself. as i have mentioned, things in high school were really awful. i didn't really know myself or what i was capable of. moving away and going to college gave me something to be proud of and to work for. thank goodness my dad kicked me out after graduating high school. ok, it wasn't like he actually chucked my stuff out on the lawn and gave me the boot, but he did tell me i wasn't allowed to live at their house and go to community college, which was my plan at the time. (either that or become a beach bum, which i sorta ended up doing along the way.) (also, if you did stay at home and go to community college, i'm not trying to knock on you; i know i was very privileged to have help to pay for school and move away from home.)

my dad made a deal with me: as long as i worked and saved every penny i made, he would cover what i couldn't afford. and i wasn't allowed to live at home. i was so angry at him for making me move away from my first "great" boyfriend and the new friends i had made that summer. my poor mom was stuck in the middle of all our fighting, but i'm so thankful my parents stuck to their guns and forced me out of the nest. being a college student gave me an identity i could be proud of, something i hadn't felt in a very long time.

and now that it's coming to a close (assuming i don't go back for a master's) it's bittersweet. i'm scared to interview for "grown up" jobs. i'm going to miss being enveloped in a learning environment and having an excuse to take classes about things that are probably of no use in the "real world." i'm a little nervous that my whole identity is going to change. i guess i'm not really sure who i'm going to be. geez, self involved much?

but you know what i'm trying to say, right?

plus i have to actually start paying on my student loans... which blows.

on the bright side, i'm not going to have to deal with all the bearded hipsters who, for some reason, flock to the psych major. yep, i'm judge-y like that, can't really take hipsters seriously.
how did you deal with graduating from college? how did you convince yourself you were ready for a grown up job?

and can i just use my black high school robe from graduation?
yeah, i'm cheap like that.
xo