the human pregnancy test

the camera usb is stil mia. so use your imagination. it's getting late and travis is at work. for another day and night after this. im getting better at being alone. less jumping at the noises the furnace makes and less running through the house avoiding looking at the windows in case someone is looking in at me. i have even killed a few spiders all by myself.

a woman at church said something that really hit me. she said, "it's easy to feel like the men in our lives should have to take care of us all the time. and they should. but we should never let ourselves become helpless." travis does so much for me and takes such good care of us that sometimes i have to remind myself- take out the trash. go to the bank. carry the heavy box upstairs without asking for help. these are all things i used to do for myself without thinking twice, but after being married to someone who does them for me, i have become spoiled. so i have been trying to be better about this.

good things happened last week. so our front yard, as previously mentioned, was a wreck. we were pretty much the trash of the neighborhood, yeah yeah. so travis ripped out the giant bushes and my mom and i pulled weeds, (and i totally threw out a bunch of bulbs before i knew what they were; how horrifying is my lack of earth knowledge!?) and a sweet, sweet neighbor gave me about $200 worth of starts for a garden. We planted lilacs, mums, peonies, pansies, bulbs to replace the others, creeping jenny, lilies, and so many other names i can't remember. but now i am so impatient for spring to come so everything can bloom and all our hard work will show. side note: working with earth really does things for the spirit. the earth is such a metaphor for the bigger picture of life and why we are here. and how blessed are we to have such a beautiful place to live and the choice to improve our situation, where ever we may be.

ok back to the good things that happened last week. travis, his dad, (aka manwel, or "the help") and his brother ryan put up crown molding and the baseboards. we arranged the furniture in the front room and i have grand grand ideas. the budget doesn't quite cover them, but money can't keep me from dreaming. :)

also, we went to the best concert i have ever seen. ingrid michaelson put on such a great show! as a vocalist, hearing someone with a voice like hers was a treat indeed. and music brings such beautiful, intimate feelings. being there with travis was beyond wonderful.

speaking of travis, we have been married for three months. can i just tell you that even though sometimes being married is tough and i have had a serious identity crisis, it has already been worth every moment of hard and that i am happier than i have ever been. travis, thank you for being so patient and loving me. this man really is superman.

i know im just blabbering about this and that, but give me a break, im alone and full of words.

so funny story.

if you know me well, you know about my great fear of pregnancy and motherhood. the fact that getting pregnant is so out of my control (birth control methods can only do so much) just freaks me out. so, naturally, i take pregnancy tests regularly. just so im never surprised.

well last friday on date night, travis and i had to make a pit stop at fresh market/albertsons (rip) to buy a pregnancy test because i was doing the freak out. we searched all over the store for the "family planning" section. ha ha very funny advertising. very funny. asking for that section of the store is humiliating. and if i were looking for condoms or lube it wouldn't be embarrassing. it's the pregnancy test thing that is embarrassing. the employee always looks at my abdomen. even if i were pregnant, at this point you couldn't tell genius! at least be sneaky about it.

so we find the thing and stand in line. awkwardly. the cashier looks at our find and asks, "how are you folks doing tonight?" travis, always snarky, replies, "look at what we are buying; how do you think we are doing?" and then i have to add my two cents. always the competition with us. "yeah especially since we just broke up."

a few people turn to look at us. and i can't stop the word vomit. "plus i haven't even graduated from high school yet." as i didn't have any eye makeup on, i did look about 16.

the cashier looked nervous, but travis reassured her that i was kidding and that we are, in fact, married. so it would be ok for us to need a pregnancy test.

then she looks me in the eye. "so how late are you?" then it's my turn to fumble for words. "oh i haven't... i mean im just paranoid about it..." then she grabs my wrist. and feels my pulse. "uh huh. hmmm. yup. you're pregnant." i start making noises of disbelief. "no, i did this with both of my daughters," she claims. "come back and tell me."

and then we're walking out the door, me yelling back to her that she can't know, she's messing with me. and naturally i obsessed about it until i started my period two nights ago. sweet relief.

anyway. life is sweet here in our little red brick house with the pansies and lilies. thanks for listening to my ramblings. love, cbaby.

our neighbor, the most racist man in the hood

i can't find the camera usb hookup.
there are lots of pictures of things that have
been happening in our little life.

but since the camera usb hookieupthingie is mia,
ill have to just talk.

Things are going well in the charles-bodtcher household.
(yes. to the dismay of my brother reed, i did
hyphenate my name. not because i am a feminist beezy.
not because i don't want to commit and take travis's name.
it's because im really proud of my charles name.
my dad's dad, papa charles, impressed something
on me at a young age.
he told us at a family reunion that we were charles's.
and not to ever disgrace that name. to keep the name proud and clean.
i tried my best to do that. family honor thing.
and i love my family so very much. and i like being a charles.
i like being a bodtcher, too.)

back to the charles-bodtcher household.
we are doing great.
travis has a new nickname for me.
"voldemort"
really travis, you shouldn't be so sweet to me. but he is :)
last night he made me dinner-
pork tacos, spanish rice, black beans, asparagus.
he bought me a brand new car. a black toyota corolla.
oh we were such a great team
with the salesmen. the good cop bad cop routine.
travis played bad cop, "im not paying that. it's too high"
i played good cop. flirt cop. "oh show me the pictures of your kids!
i see they got their good looks from you."
*winks. (don't argue with what works)
the salesman did score some points with me,
saying i look like katie holmes.
(i totally don't)
flattery works on me. try it sometime.
anyway, travis makes a big deal about calling it my car.
"sweetheart, can i borrow your keys?"
but he doesn't like for me to drive.
I did hyphen my name, but that doesn't mean i don't
like for him to drive, and open the door for me. :)
and still pay for dinner. even though both of our names
are on the account.

what else? well, we planted two blossoming pear trees
in the front yard.
thanks randy and julie, the great inlaws :)travis bought me a lilac tree. it's a hybrid of tree and bush.
i dug up all the weeds. and some bulbs,
before i knew what they were. oops.
spiders, as afore mentioned, are the bane of my life.
apparently spiders love gardens.
this was me yesterday in the flower garden.
"die! die! die! die!" *spears spider with shovel,
forgetting to just use shoes.
*sprays the spider killshot style.
hope the neighbors saw the show.

speaking of neighbors,
apparently the man across the street is a racist.
like i said, many of our neighbors are old. dying. deceased.
the man who lives across the street is older. grumpier.
so dave, the guy who sold us our house,
owns a house two doors down from us.
it's for rent. dave was allegedly showing the house
to a black guy who showed interest.
the old grumpy man across the street told dave.
"don't rent to that guy;
we already have enough foreigners in this neighborhood!"
ps there is one mexican man living on the street.
everyone else is pasty white. and
the black guy was totally american. not foreign.so then the grumpy guy says, "and this house you
sold to the bodtchers. it still looks
like the boydells live there."

**side note: the boydells were the super old people who lived in the house before us. don't worry they didn't die or anything. but they didn't really do much in the yard. or anywhere else.

so the grumpy old guy was sitting outside
when we were doing yardwork the other day.
i made a huge show of waving to him.
"how are you today" i asked, way too sweetly.
"doing fine. it's looking better over there." he answered.
"we're doing it all for you!" i shouted, smiling so sincerely.

travis and i are going to secret santa him this year,
see if we can't get him to lighten up a bit. :)

but that's life.

also, my brother reed got his mission call to sacramento, ca.
pretty excited about that.
and my brother chad is having a hard time.
please remember him in your prayers?

thanks love you :)

the landlocked lonlies

ok. so im happy. my life is full of love and laughing and excitement and family. i am not whining, nor am i complaining. but i may have made a mistake just now. i decided since i am waiting for my brother to get here so we can pick up my parents from the airport, i should read my friend alyssa's blog. but not the new stuff. the old memories from when we lived in hawaii. and reading through all of our adventures has made me terribly homesick. so if you don't feel like reading a homesick post, skip this one.

The thing that was so great about hawaii was the attitude of everyone living there. at least the students. the attitude of i can do anything i choose to do, such as living on this beautiful island. it was some serious empowerment. and i miss learning about different cultures; i miss the diversity and the languages. i miss the dirty, dingy, sandy, cockroachy normalness of restaurants. i miss choir. i miss choir so much that i cry sometimes. ha. singing in a choir at a church school allowed us to sing about religious topics. music + religion = feelings. my testimony of Christ grew leaps and bounds that year, not from hearing people speak but from singing with a group of people who loved me and who i loved back.

it's so ridiculous, but i miss miss miss eating lunch in the sea sider with all of us. i never really had a group of friends in high school. i never really had a sincere group of friends until i moved to hawaii. we were quite a group, the evans brothers and their unending knowledge of cars, (and willingness to drive you anywhere and help with anything) erika dick and her headbands, cute flannel, and music suggestions and unlimited knowledge of EVERYTHING, alyssa herTzinger playing the organ, laughing at the outrageous things she comes up with, and her sassy wit, bonnie begging for quarters to buy chili rice and telling her latest longboarding adventure, dustin making us all angry or at least irritated, ting shen and his camera and always cramming in the homework at the last minute, (oh i love him) ryan anderson interviewing us for ke alakai, (as long as we didn't say anything opposing wheelwright's views) getting in trouble for wearing a dress that is too short, jenna chidester being absolutely ridiculous, eating way too much ice cream, kaytie fav and keola always having healthy lunches from home, debates about politics, roxanne miller showing up once in a while and acting like she's a gift from heaven, (she is though) making disgusting meals out of the salad bar and random items from the sea sider, singing choir songs at the top of our lungs, pretending to be cold so we could drink hot chocolate, and so many other things i could go on and on about.

i miss the day to day things. i miss the friendships. i miss feeling like i could be anything i wanted to be. i miss the jokes about wheelwright's terrible reign. i miss the gossip. i miss the smell of hot rain. i miss saying aloha in sacrament meeting. i miss tutoring asian students on subject verb agreement. i miss my morning runs to the ocean, the smell of the ocean, the taste, the feel, the security, the sand. i miss living with erika dick so much. i took her knowledge and insight for granted when i lived with her. didn't realize how much smarter she is than most people. i miss brother belnap and his life lessons during choir and voice lessons. (and the slightly sacrelidge way i always made the analogy of him being God in my head) i miss katie and rachael and jane as my roommates, always cooking something good and teaching me something new. i miss longboarding to school and riding a bike to get around. i miss going barefoot to the grocery store (wait, i still do that, to travis's dismay.) i miss the bus. i miss my kayak very very much. i miss being crazy and hitchhiking. i miss eating way too many raisinetts and a pint of ice cream every few days. (my waistline does not miss these) hawaii helped me learn to love myself and i miss that too.

alyssa's blog said something i should learn to be better at doing. something about enjoying the present more than missing the past. for the most part, i think i am doing better with this. but just for this moment tonight, i am allowing myself to remember and to miss my home and place i love most, hawaii.

the pro sex

sometimes i look at travis and at my life and think that there must be some kind of catch.
i was whining to my mom the other day about the spiders in the basement.
"spiders are the worst part of my whole life."

i thought about that some more later, realizing how true it is.
if spiders are the hardest part of my life, i must have it pretty good, yeah?

so recap of life lately.

i didn't start massage school. ha there's always the U of U in jan...

we have been living in our house for like a month now. travis is home for four days and gone to the fire department for two. the nights alone have been a little lonely and ill admit i am a little scared of all the new house noises, but im hoping to get used to it. and getting to spend four full days and night with trav is pretty great.

travis and i have been getting to know our ward. (we are members of the LDS church and the group we meet with every week is called a ward.) we are some of the youngest there. no really, a good chunk of the people are in their late 90s. like every week another funeral is announced over the pulpit. if they keep dying off ill never get to know them. (sorry but it's true)

oh so travis and i were asked to teach the 13 and 14 year old sunday school class. preeeeetttty excited about that :) oh and so excited for the lesson on morality coming up soon. not that i have any problems talking about sex, ill just have to figure out a way to talk to 13 and 14 year olds about not having sex. im pretty pro sex these days, so we will see how that goes.

as always im fighting the battle of getting in shape and trying to get down to a size anorexia. :)

pretty much im not working and im not in school. i do teach piano lessons. i do cook huge delicious meals. i do clean house. i do entertain and hang out with my husband. i do read books and am writing music. i do hang curtains with my mom and paint things to hang on the blank walls of the house. i do not have any babies or plans of babies. im pretty much useless :)

travis and i are learning the art of sharing. sharing a full sized bed, sharing dessert, sharing ideas, sharing a church calling, sharing disagreements, sharing love.

life is great. well except for the spiders. :) but seriously if you know of any good spray or anything let me know?

much love :)

the things i never set out to do

i like to think im not the kind of girl who flies by the seat of her pants.
i like to think i have life plans and stick to them. follow them through.
oh wait. recap of life's bigger decisions lately.
maybe ill go to SUU. graduate and teach there. no wait.
move to hawaii. never planned that one. just applied for funsies.
hmmm oh ok move there even though i don't know anyone
or anything really.
oh ok ill stay there, graduate, teach brown kids, marry a brown guy, stick around.
go home for the summer to work. fully plan on going back.
reserve housing. make a class schedule.
oh no, wait i better stay in utah. even though my plane leaves
in three days.
ill go to the U of U. linguistics? sure, sounds good.
travis bodtcher? didn't we go to high school together? oh hi let's date.
marriage? nope i don't like that at all.
oh wait am i married now? wait that wasn't part of my plan...
kids. ill wait. no no really. im not ready.
so i peed on a stick this morning and well...

hahahah tricked you! don't worry. it's all good and empty wombwise.

but i did change my mind about the U of U.
school starts tomorrow but i won't be on the train or in class.
im going to massage school in oct. :) go ahead. judge me. ill finish school after im a massage therapist and have a better idea of what i want to do.

but honestly i keep doing all the things i never set out to do.
and im so darn happy. :)

the marriage life

life is really crazy right now.

the only reason i have a spare moment to type this is because it's sunday morning before church and we don't work on the house on sunday.
travis and i got married. it was a beautiful, wonderful day and when i get pictures back im sure ill write a novel that no one will want to finish because of how ridiculously long and epic it will be.
we went on a honeymoon to myrtle beach and had so much fun and learned way more about what being married is and how to make it work best than i thought i could learn in a week.
then we flew home to real life.

and it was even better than the big day and the honeymoon.

our house is under construction. the walls and ceilings needed mudding and sanding.
every room needs primer (for the oil based existing paint on the walls) and paint. ceilings too.
oh and new base and doors and hardwear and cover the hardwood floors and a new countertop for the kitchen and stove and bug bomb for spiders and don't even think about moving in yet because of how much we have to do.

our ideas of style and decorating are very different.
travis wants to redo everything brand new.
i want to keep the original (and not always intact or in nice shape) features of the house.
so we are learning what compromising means.
for any of you who know me well, you know this is a NEW idea to me.
compromise? psh. :) i don't do that.
oh yes i do.
and because i love that man so darn much ill learn how to compromise and he's usually right anyway.
don't tell him i said that.

so we have been working on the house every second and i don't shower or clean up. shaving? who does that? it's gym shorts and ponytails.
my dad said, "didn't take you long to let yourself go did it?" thanks dad :)
travis's sister melissa got married friday. it was the perfect day.
i showered, shaved, groomed, plucked, masceraed.
wore heels.
travis said, "it's been a while since you wore a tight fitting shirt. and your hair looks so nice."
haha

so yeah. im an old married woman.
i love it!
travis is the sweetest and funniest and we have had some good arguments
and some good making up :)
and mostly just loving each other more every single day.

oh! our house has some great colors.
the kitchen is a yellowish cream
the front room is sage green blue ish
the bathrooms are b r i g h t bluegreen
the bedroom is orange. but more of a peach really.
the art studio/office/study/library is cream
the tv room isn't done yet.
(i have to name all the rooms so there isn't room for a baby room. it there is room a baby will come and we don't want that now do we)
but yeah the house is amazing.
the only furniture we have is our bed and new piano.
so all we really need. :)

life really just gets crazier. exciting though.
i love all of it.

the man who is my man

oh and in a week im getting married to travis randy bodtcher.

thank you for having the balls to ask me out on a date, instead of just to hang out

thank you for never playing games and for always being honest

thank you for still opening my car door two years later

thank you for never letting me pay for a date and for never making me feel guilty for it

thank you for still taking the time to take care of me while you were in paramedic school

thank you for being patient with my homesickness

thank you for my ee cummings book

thank you for always laughing and keeping me grounded

thank you for being attractive and not knowing it

thank you for bringing me flowers

thank you for watching grey's anatomy with me for hours

thank you for letting me watch pretty woman over and over

thank you for a house with roses

thank you for reassuring me

thank you for telling me i was pretty even when i was thirty pounds heavier

thank you for always killing the spiders

thank you for always taking me lunch when i worked at macy's

thank you for being an example of a good person

thank you for loving all my bad parts

thank you for taking your job so seriously

thank you for waiting for my dad to love you

thank you for eating spicy thai food even though it makes you sick

thank you for introducing me to your family

thank you for being thoughtful every day

thank you for asking me to sing to you all the time

thank you for always knowing how to make me feel better

thank you for praying with me

thank you for asking me to marry you every day for six months even though i said no

thank you for my beautiful ring

thank you for not wanting kids for five + years

thank you for marrying me in one week

the house we bought

so life is crazy this month.

travis bought a house. actually, he keeps telling me "we bought a house."

the house is a fixer uper and i have fallen deeply in love with its character.

yesterday we- travis, josh, randy, mandi, and i- sanded the wood floors and cleaned the bathrooms, which by the way were horribly disgusting. like urine and who knows what else on the walls. but anyway, travis always blows my mind with his man skills. he knows or learns to do anything that needs doing.

marrying a man who can fix everything is a really good move. :)

we took off all the molding around the base and doors, removed old curtains, and basically made a mess of the house. but as our cousin mandi said, "the more we rip the house apart, the better it looks." after hours of sanding and sweeping, the wood floors are gorgeous.

we are almost done choosing paint colors. (!) i have all these elaborate decorating ideas.

but the best part of this whole house thing is that ill be living there with travis.

the 4th of july

4th of july weekend.

• caught a fish on a fly rod
• rode a horse named annie who was kind of a jerk
• spent time with family
• ate so much ice cream from my uncle's dairy huckleberry cheesecake
• went running with travis every day
• had a bridal shower with the reeds
• cheeseburger and homemade rootbeer
• sang and played guitar for the ladies at my great grandma's nursing home
• kidnapped great grandma and took her to the firework show
• saw way too much beautiful scenery
• fell more in love with my fiance

the poppies

the neighbor up the street grows the most gorgeous poppies.

the blue and green

my love affair with the ocean

it had been a very long day of traveling. flying, waiting, driving, waiting, and then the van full of strangers dropped me off in the driveway of a white duplex surrounded by jungle, accompanied by two suitcases, a longboard, and my guitar. my phone had died hours before. i was almost three thousand miles away from any person i knew by name.

after finding my way to the door, claiming my bed, and leaving my belongings in this new humid place with the sounds of chickens, cars blaring on the highway, and brown people playing reggae, i set off to find a beach.

i didn't have to go far. across the street was a beach park. the spongy grass felt strange on my bare feet and the trees dropped prickly things that stuck to my toes. a small incline led to the beach and the thickness of jungle and palm trees opened up to a sea of blue green grey waves. in disbelief i slowly neared the edge of sand and looked out to the ends of the earth. sobs escaped from my throat. i was home. and so began my love affair with the ocean.

it is difficult to describe the comfort of living so near to the ocean to someone who has only visited or seen pictures. i don't know if every person who lives near an ocean feels the same sense of love and security as i did, but the ocean became so much more to me than a place to swim, socialize, or admire. i took all my problems, insecurities, doubts, as well as my joys and dreams, to the ocean.

i learned a healthy respect for the ocean as well. there were a few times i honestly thought i was going to drown and die. i learned when to get in and swim, and when to just sit on the shore and watch. there is a certain trust one must have when entering those waves. i watched men surf in thirty foot waves. i saw beautiful brown babies learn to float in calm waters. bad weather and flooding caused the ocean to become brown and muddy, full of debris; still she was beautiful.

there were things from the past haunting me, halting my growth and progression. i took these things to the ocean. usually just in thoughts, but some nights i screamed and beat my fists. i wrote letters to the people who had hurt me, penned them with the sea air in my face and the smell of salt on my lips. i saw many a full moon's reflection over the dark waves and watched sirius make his way through the night sky. the ocean was always there, always listening.

the ocean heard thoughtful discussions with close friends, held us in her arms, and heard us sing. friendships grew, love grew, and we grew.

the day i left hawaii, i spent the entire afternoon at the beach, saying goodbye. it was heartwrenching, and i know this sounds so dramatic, but i truly felt i was leaving my best friend behind.

now im landlocked and far away from the humidity, hot sand, and loud reggae. im engaged to a wonderful man, and i have a happy life here. but the day after tomorrow im getting on a plane and flying back for two weeks. this may sound ridiculous, but i don't think i could get married and commit my whole life without talking to the ocean about it first. i am committed and im ready, but i need to feel that piece of myself i only ever felt there. i have to feel that piece and take it with me so i can be complete and whole.

"Heart, that sinks through fading colors deep
To the subaqueous stillness of the sea,
And floats forever in a moon-green pool,
Held in the arms of rhythm and of sleep."

(i am in need of music, elizabeth bishop)

check out the bluegrass band playing at our wedding

http://www.ridinthefaultline.com/music/faultline.mp3

they play at a bbq place every friday so we went to watch and pick apart some ribs. mmmmmhmmm

besides their fantastic music and 17 years worth of practice together, they have a comedy routine :)

and each musician totally looks like their instrument.

the bad attitudes

so i've been really stressed lately because i don't have a job. i feel like i have to get up early, work out harder than i normally would, be productive, and basically make up for the fact that i don't have a job and am "useless." grumpy, self absorbed, irritated, and pessimistic are some of the emotions i have been projecting onto the people i love.

what should be happening is i should take advantage of all this time to do the things i love: music, painting, reading, being outdoors, enjoying my family and travis. i should be using this time to enjoy planning our wedding. i may never have this much free time again in my life, so no more wasting.

im done stressing out over three months of unemployment/school being out for summer. the weather is finally gorgeous, im getting married to a wonderful man, going to hawaii for two weeks, im young, life is good.

no more stress
no more pessimism
no more grumpy

the sexy man who fixes sprinklers

he might be upset that i posted these...

i need help. im nubby with computers. please help me format this blog :) ?

the sweet girl who dipped underwater

travis and i went to his (our) niece's baptism. she asked me to sing, which is always such an honor. :) she's a sweet girl with an opinion about everything. classic oldest daughter. not that i know anything about that.

today travis and i scraped and painted the house he (we) is (are) buying. it was one of the most enjoyable days i have had in a while. for any of you who know me, you know i love to tease, make personal jokes, and be a little bit rude. all in the name of love, naturally. well when it comes to dating, this can be a problem. i have dated many guys who don't really know what to do with that part of me. feelings get hurt, ideas are mis- communicated. something i love so much about travis is the back and forth teasing we have without anyone being upset. we just laugh. i like to think im a clever person (lol) and travis keeps me on my toes. literally too. :)

the fantastic life

my life is wonderful, full, and blessed.

• i am engaged to the most thoughtful, caring, hilarious, respectful, handsome, smart, hardworking, etc etc etc man. like we are actually going to belong to each other. :)
• the weather finally warmed up and things are green again.
• i have a friend named benny who writes beautiful music with me and tells great stories. you should really meet him sometime; he's fantastic.
• im listening to hysteric by yeah yeah yeahs. acoustic. that in itself is enough to make for a nice night.
• there are girlfriends around me who help me feel ok with everything changing, support me, and keep me laughing. laughing is the absolute best medicine. i don't care who you are.
• family :) my family, travis's family, either way im so blessed to be surrounded by caring, genuine people.
• i have time to work out for an hour every day. feelin healthy.
• IM GOING TO HAWAII IN TWO WEEKS! oh man.
• oh did i mention im getting married? :)

the emotional woman

i have been pretty emotional the past few days. no really. i was at the gym, running on the treadmill, sweat dripping down my face, and since i was at gold's gym, i was running in the
cardio cinema (awesome) and watching coach carter. for anyone who hasn't seen it, it's about a team of kids who are going nowhere but basketball saves theirs lives etc. i don't even like this movie. but as the kids, after losing the final game (sorry if i ruined it) file out to greet the crowd after showering in the locker rooms, the crowd is still so happy to see them, cheering, etc. yeah it's really cheesy. but as i was running and sweating i started crying. right there in the gym. yeah.
then yesterday i taught sunday school and told a personal story because no one else would share. and i cried again.
then i was telling travis goodnight and that i love him. cried again. you get the picture.

all the times i have cried this week have been because im so happy. yes, the warm weather plays a huge role, but a big reason im so happy again is because i finally changed my attitude. im happy to be where i am right here and now. God blesses us with things we might not see as blessings at first. luckily He is patient enough to wait for us to thank him later. :)

the good life

my guitar is sitting on my leopard skin rug, leaning up against my wall. it's saying "why don't you play me anymore?" i played for a minute tonight, but just lost patience with the internet chords and not feeling like playing by ear. lately i have been messing with my harmonica and learning how to play bluegrass music with benny, guitar hero and mandolin learner. bluegrass is a good time to sing.

lately.
-took a trip to st george and zion's with travis. we hiked angel's landing, emerald pools, weeping rock, and got a little lost going the wrong way through the park. the good weather, being with my man, and seeing family was a great weekend.

-i started going to kickboxing, pilates, (a few months ago) and doing p90x. im working on getting ripped. haha we'll see. it's an awesome challenge and i love exercising. im never getting out of shape again.

-went biking in moab with my daddy. that man is a champion. his college buddies nicknamed him "mountain goat" for a good reason. while the young guys with their full suspension bikes were huffing and puffing, my father was cruising up slickrock and smoking everyone on his old beat up bike. he inspires me. plus it was nice to spend the day with my dad, talking to him about everything. (i made him explain politics and economics from nixon to obama to me during the drive.) im blessed to have doug charles as my father.

-i took a linguistics take home test. no big deal; it's open book open note. six and a half hours later im still not sure how i did. it's kind of like music theory, only with words... so hard yet i love that class so much.

life is good. im learning so much about being happy and making the most of the situation you're given. i have so much to be grateful for and im trying to deserve it all. :)

there's this thing called love

he whistles at me.
he takes me to church.
he shares books with me.
he takes me on dates.
he sings with me.
he makes me happy.

the man who became a paramedic

my boyfriend travis passed his national paramedic test! we are all so proud of him :) my mom and i made him a cake to say congratulations. way to go travis!

the bullets

• stayed up late watching scrubs with reed
• i love my wed night pilates class. it's something i feel like i do completely for me.
  
• we made meal plans in my health class today and i won a banana in a contest in class. oh yeah.
• it's freezing outside, but i love wearing boots.
• those boots have a five inch heel. i was feeling pretty sexy, crossing the street after getting off trax. there were quite a few people around. of course i fell flat on my face.
  
• travis and i ate chili for dinner. we didn't put rice in it. it's the mainland.
• my mom is the greatest mother bear of all time.
• the theme music to grey's anatomy, the piano song that plays during those tender moments, it actually brings me to tears sometimes. don't tell anyone.
• i really do understand the importance of attitude in living a happy life.
  
• phonology is amazing. loving the linguistics program. :)

the passage of a beautiful human

a big thing happened. i watched a friend die. she was on the last stages of ovarian cancer. months ago she asked me to come sing to her when she was dying so when her sister and one of my oldest friends, came over to my house in tears, i knew it was that time. i grabbed my guitar and we headed down the street.
she weighed probably less than ninety pounds, a shadow of her once busty and curvy self. the cancer had left her too weak to even hold up her head. i now understand the expression "death rattle." careful of iv's and tubes, i eased onto the bed next to her and sang somewhere over the rainbow, the song she had requested. the crowded room grew quiet, and karina's breathing calmed down. music is amazing.
i played for over an hour, singing folk songs, pop songs, church songs, drawing out anything and everything i have ever learned to play or sing. when someone knew the song, they joined in and were comforted. having something to contribute and do made all the difference in dealing with watching her die.
we stayed all night, making her comfortable, watching her grow weaker. she passed at midnight, just like her to make it to the next day. she is a beautiful, generous, selfless person, and i am blessed to have known her. she is an example of faith and attitude to me and i will never quite be the same for having experienced this.