the human pregnancy test

the camera usb is stil mia. so use your imagination. it's getting late and travis is at work. for another day and night after this. im getting better at being alone. less jumping at the noises the furnace makes and less running through the house avoiding looking at the windows in case someone is looking in at me. i have even killed a few spiders all by myself.

a woman at church said something that really hit me. she said, "it's easy to feel like the men in our lives should have to take care of us all the time. and they should. but we should never let ourselves become helpless." travis does so much for me and takes such good care of us that sometimes i have to remind myself- take out the trash. go to the bank. carry the heavy box upstairs without asking for help. these are all things i used to do for myself without thinking twice, but after being married to someone who does them for me, i have become spoiled. so i have been trying to be better about this.

good things happened last week. so our front yard, as previously mentioned, was a wreck. we were pretty much the trash of the neighborhood, yeah yeah. so travis ripped out the giant bushes and my mom and i pulled weeds, (and i totally threw out a bunch of bulbs before i knew what they were; how horrifying is my lack of earth knowledge!?) and a sweet, sweet neighbor gave me about $200 worth of starts for a garden. We planted lilacs, mums, peonies, pansies, bulbs to replace the others, creeping jenny, lilies, and so many other names i can't remember. but now i am so impatient for spring to come so everything can bloom and all our hard work will show. side note: working with earth really does things for the spirit. the earth is such a metaphor for the bigger picture of life and why we are here. and how blessed are we to have such a beautiful place to live and the choice to improve our situation, where ever we may be.

ok back to the good things that happened last week. travis, his dad, (aka manwel, or "the help") and his brother ryan put up crown molding and the baseboards. we arranged the furniture in the front room and i have grand grand ideas. the budget doesn't quite cover them, but money can't keep me from dreaming. :)

also, we went to the best concert i have ever seen. ingrid michaelson put on such a great show! as a vocalist, hearing someone with a voice like hers was a treat indeed. and music brings such beautiful, intimate feelings. being there with travis was beyond wonderful.

speaking of travis, we have been married for three months. can i just tell you that even though sometimes being married is tough and i have had a serious identity crisis, it has already been worth every moment of hard and that i am happier than i have ever been. travis, thank you for being so patient and loving me. this man really is superman.

i know im just blabbering about this and that, but give me a break, im alone and full of words.

so funny story.

if you know me well, you know about my great fear of pregnancy and motherhood. the fact that getting pregnant is so out of my control (birth control methods can only do so much) just freaks me out. so, naturally, i take pregnancy tests regularly. just so im never surprised.

well last friday on date night, travis and i had to make a pit stop at fresh market/albertsons (rip) to buy a pregnancy test because i was doing the freak out. we searched all over the store for the "family planning" section. ha ha very funny advertising. very funny. asking for that section of the store is humiliating. and if i were looking for condoms or lube it wouldn't be embarrassing. it's the pregnancy test thing that is embarrassing. the employee always looks at my abdomen. even if i were pregnant, at this point you couldn't tell genius! at least be sneaky about it.

so we find the thing and stand in line. awkwardly. the cashier looks at our find and asks, "how are you folks doing tonight?" travis, always snarky, replies, "look at what we are buying; how do you think we are doing?" and then i have to add my two cents. always the competition with us. "yeah especially since we just broke up."

a few people turn to look at us. and i can't stop the word vomit. "plus i haven't even graduated from high school yet." as i didn't have any eye makeup on, i did look about 16.

the cashier looked nervous, but travis reassured her that i was kidding and that we are, in fact, married. so it would be ok for us to need a pregnancy test.

then she looks me in the eye. "so how late are you?" then it's my turn to fumble for words. "oh i haven't... i mean im just paranoid about it..." then she grabs my wrist. and feels my pulse. "uh huh. hmmm. yup. you're pregnant." i start making noises of disbelief. "no, i did this with both of my daughters," she claims. "come back and tell me."

and then we're walking out the door, me yelling back to her that she can't know, she's messing with me. and naturally i obsessed about it until i started my period two nights ago. sweet relief.

anyway. life is sweet here in our little red brick house with the pansies and lilies. thanks for listening to my ramblings. love, cbaby.