snow day.

oh hey. 

there is snow on the ground this morning.

i'm listening to my feist/hem pandora station.

it was a rough night. throwing up (yeah, the zofran isn't working so well anymore), trying to choke something down so i could go to sleep, then waking up 18767634 times to pee, then having a nightmare at 3am, being convinced a man was hiding somewhere in my house to torture and kill me, freaking out that i left the oven on, wandering around looking for the killer, and the word "looking" being used lightly because i'm blind as a bat and don't own any glasses. yeah, that's going to work, wandering around in your underwear, no weapon, and legally blind. what would you do if someone actually was there? get owned, that's what. 

i called travis and asked him to say a prayer on the phone with me because of how freaked out i felt. he fell asleep during his prayer a few times, bless him. oh the joys of being married to a fireman. 

all night i tossed and turned and  gagged and tried really hard not to throw up in bed. woo, i didn't. 

morning came and i began my daily countdown. 13 hours until you can go back to bed. 

then i put my contacts in, looked out the windows, and saw all this white fluff on rooftops and lawns. on my way down to the kitchen, i walked by the baby room and caught a glance of the yellow onsie we bought right after the positive pregnancy test. and the rocking chair my mom found secondhand. and i remembered that by christmas next year, we will have a seven month old baby scooting around, playing with decorations, and demanding all our attention. how exciting it will be hold that baby up to the window, point outside and say, "see that white stuff? that's snow!" 

mostly, i spend my days in survival mode. figure out something to eat, force myself to eat it, stay close to the toilet because i'll probably be kneeling over it soon, and trying to hold as still as possible. emotions like excitement, love, hope? yeah those are pretty dulled by nausea.  i forget that there's a reason i'm doing all this surviving. forget that in six months, the yellow onsie we bought will be all filled up with a newborn. 

i'm thankful for the snow today, reminding me i won't be stuck like this forever, and that something wonderful is coming. 

11 weeks

week 11 was a big week. 

the zofran is a huge help. while it doesn't completely "cure" me, it makes life so much better! i only threw up once all week, and that may have had more to do with the giant migraine than actual nausea. also, though the zofran has eh hem, backed me up, i've at least been able to have some small bowel movements. just drinkin' a butt ton of water and trying to eat fiber. totally worth it to not be a vomitus mass. 

this was the week i sprung for maternity pants! while the picture may not show it, i have a pretty nice little belly going on. i definitely don't look preggers, just more like i have eaten cafe rio every day for a month. anyway, i can still button my jeans, but they press uncomfortably on my bladder and end up making me nauseous. so i took the plunge and bought a few pairs of prego pants. 

they are amazing. 

it's like wearing sweats, only they look like jeans. pretty sure i'm just going to keep wearing them even after i'm done being pregnant. 

here's the 10 week picture, after our doctor appointment. 

 and 11 weeks, in my grandparents' house. 

last week my mom and i drove up to idaho falls, idaho to have a "girl's weekend" with my grandma. travis was out of town for the deer hunt, gotta love being married to a hunter, and my dad and grandpa were on a fishing trip. so us girls had fun shopping, crafting, and digging through my grandma's storage room for buried treasures. we found love letters from my grandpa while he was in the navy, a wooden rocking horse i used to love, antique dishes, and christmas decor. my generous grandma sent us home with tons of presents. my mom and grandma also took such great care of me, cooking whatever i felt like eating, which included what us mormons call "funeral potatoes" which are just potatoes au gratin, and fried eggs. felt great to get away and be pampered.

my cute mom with all her crafts.

she has been my rock through this pregnancy. 

wouldn't have gotten through it all without her.

grandparents at smitty's pancake house, which you should visit 

if you ever find yourself in IF. 

the german pancake i ordered was twice as big as my face. like it didn't even fit on the plate.

 i ate the entire thing, no shame. 

happy monday! 

xo

telling.

i hate keeping my own secrets. i can keep yours, no problem. but keeping a big secret about myself, that is something i can't do. although you probably already figured that out, what with all the personal things i can't help but share here.

so being pregnant was a huge secret! the thought of keeping this to ourselves for several months was more than i could take. so i pestered travis for a few weeks and we ended up telling everyone at ... now i can't even remember, either six or seven weeks. don't worry, being sick kind of just wipes your memory of anything besides misery.

when we told my family, my dad was outside grilling up sunday dinner and i had my camera out, nonchalantly, because i'm a superb actor, and i asked travis to take a picture of us, just having family time.
travis had us all gather round and then said, "one, two, collette's pregnant!"
(ps missing brothers reed, on his mission, and chad, out skydiving. no seriously, it's his new thing.)

my dad was pretty confused. "wait." he said. "are you happy about this?" because of how vocal i've always been about how i'm never having kids. then it started to sink in and he couldn't stop grinning.
then of course, he had to ask, "do you know who the father is?"
nice, dad.

here's the moment my dad asked, "well, how are you doing?" and tears welled up in my eyes. once last summer, my dad told me he thought i would be a special, unconventional mother. this was part of the journey that led me to want to try it out.

and how hilarious is my mom??

okay, so these pictures are staged. i actually told my mom two days after we found out. i was over at their house about to eat with them. they were making fried rice. i had just talked to the nurse on the phone about how pregos aren't supposed to eat deli meat or bean sprouts, both of which were being washed and prepped for the rice. i was freaking out.
"mom, could you guys maybe not put sprouts in mine?" thinking in my head, how am i going to ask them to take out the ham. i love ham! they know this.
"no, collette, you can just pick out the sprouts like you usually do." my dad said.
he left the room for a second and i stared deeply into my mom's eyes.
mom, i can't eat this. i'm pregnant. please read my mind. i am pregnant. 
suddenly her eyes lit up. "are you???? you're pregnant???" she squealed! tears filled her eyes and she started hugging me. "mom! shhhh!" i hissed. "dad's going to find out! i'm not supposed to tell anyone!" and her face really did look pretty similar to these pictures.

so then later that evening we went over to travis's parents to share our news. we had asked that everyone get together to play games, in honor of travis's sister and her family moving back to utah. luckily travis is a much better actor then i am and had everyone convinced.

we brought apples to apples and travis had the cute idea to write, "collette's pregnant" on one of the cards and then play it on his mom's turn. we got her pretty good.

julie was screaming so loud she scared poor little amelia! 

love that we answered, "collette's pregnant" for something that means "delicious" 

(thanks liana for taking pictures for us!)

it feels great to finally have the secret out. we are thankful for our families and all the support and love we have felt from them. 

xo

discovering the baby bean / first (un) belly picture

an amazing thing has happened.
after talking to several other pregos, i was advised to call my doctor and get hooked up with some zofran.
from what i can understand, and this is really simplified, zofran blocks the transmitters who tell the part of your brain that controls nausea. so your brain doesn't know it's supposed to make you sick.
i started taking it last night and i was able to eat lasagna! two servings! and pie! and this morning, i'm feeling pretty dandy! i guess zofran also blocks your poop from coming out, and if you remember my IUD experience, that is something i have a hard time with, but i'll take constipation over vomit any day.

so anyway, now i'm working on clearing off my memory card and doing some edits for the past few photo shoots. (!) i wrangled up these pictures taken the day we found out i was preggeroni. which is similar to pepperoni, but less processed.

... 

love how excited we are. 

of course i had to take some belly shots.

 this is between 4 and 5 weeks. and pretty much i still had my 4 pack back then. 

and i haven't tried on these jeans lately because i don't even want to know if they still fit. 

plus that would involve changing out of my sweat pants.

so there you have it. 

zofran is cool. 

pregnancy is wild. 

xo

the colors of peach harvest

my parents have a beautiful peach tree in their backyard. i know it's fall-time when there are buckets of peaches laying around and fresh peaches are sliced up and served with vanilla ice cream.

on being pregnant. intimate details included.

 two years ago i wrote {this post} about how i keep ending up doing the things i never thought i'd do.

(thank goodness i didn't end up going to massage school. so glad i went with my psych degree.) 

reading back on that post, it's pretty amazing how little i knew about the future and what would come next. 

a year ago right now, i was positive i'd be in grad school this fall, working on becoming a therapist. 

and here i am. 

11 weeks pregnant. 

and happy about it. 

you know those moments when you step back and examine your life. 

you ask yourself, "who is this person i have become?'

um, yeah. pretty much. 

one of these days, when i'm done throwing up and being miserable, and have room in my mind for being emotional, i'll tell you how i came to want to get pregnant and that whole journey of being ready.

because yes, this happened on purpose. 

but until then, i'll fill you in on the past several months. 

on "trying" to get pregnant

while still working as a counselor, i made an appointment to get my IUD taken out. if you've ever had an IUD shoved up your cervix, you probably understand the panic i was feeling waiting to get that sucker out. something that painful going up, had to be just as awful coming down. so imagine my delighted surprise when, feet in the stirrups, staring at dr. barton's handsome face looking up my hoo haw, encouraging me to "relax. and relax. wow, you have some strong pelvic floor muscles, don't you." to just feel an uncomfortable pinch! and then it was all over. 

and a week later i was knocked up. 

can i just say how much i love the phrase, "we are trying to get pregnant." as if the word 'trying' takes all of the sex out of it. no, pretty much trying to get pregnant means having so much sex you are sure you'll never want to have sex ever again when you finally do get pregnant. which is ironic. but more on that later. 

as a general rule, once i've decided i want something, i go after it full force. i think travis may have been a little shocked at how ...aggressively i pursued this particular goal. the goal, body permitting, was to get me pregnant by sept. (and know that i know how incredibly blessed i am to have the fertility i do. the joke on my  grandmother's side is that she was already pregnant by the time the man hung his pants on the bed frame and apparently i inherited that too.) anyway, we were trying in full force. and remember, travis is gone two days a week at the fire station. we didn't let a little thing like that get in our way. 

also, trying to get pregnant is the craziest mind game ever played. after our third time trying, i woke up, on my birthday, feeling a little sick. "travis, am i a crazy person? it's way to soon, right??" i spent the entire month googling symptoms, calculating ovulation dates, and obsessing over whether or not i was pregnant. one night, travis had already fallen asleep and i was awake, reading up on heartburn and early pregnancy, because i had the heartburn of a middle aged, obese, cheeseburger eating man. "travis, wake up!" i shook his shoulder. "mmmhmm?" he mumbled. "travis, i'm pretty sure i'm pregnant, because i have heartburn and this thing says-" he rolled over. and i layed awake for another hour reading forums about getting pregnant. 

for those of you who tried or are trying for multiple months or even years, you have so my respect from me. you are so strong. because if you are dealing with the crazy mind games on top of the hopelessless of waiting, i can't believe how strong you are. it's enough to make you insane. 

i took two pregnancy tests way too early because i was too impatient. i cried looking at the negative sign. and then tried even harder to make that positive sign show up. i don't do well when i set goals that aren't completely in my control. (see every single post about trying to sell our house.)

so then the weekend before taking the pregnancy test that gave a positive, i was a mess. my family was taking a trip to island park, idaho, and i decided to go with them, since travis would be working and i needed a distraction. i was due to start my period that weekend and i went through several rolls of toilet paper obsessively checking to see if i had started. i'm not exaggerating. every half hour i was in the bathroom, praying i wouldn't have started. as we motorbiked all over, me on the back of my dad's bike with him going off jumps and popping wheelies, and then later kayaking in a very dangerous lightning storm, i wondered if everything would be okay if i was pregnant. wasn't even sure yet and i was freaking out about the possibility of harming a tiny life hypothetically growing inside me. trying to get pregnant will turn you into a crazy person. 

on peeing on a plastic stick and shoving it in your spouse's face 

i hadn't started my period by the time i got home from island park. we drove home early monday morning. the first thing i did upon arriving home was run upstairs and head to the toilet. travis was hot on my heels. "maybe we should wait until you're a week late." he suggested.but  i had had enough waiting. except that while splashing pee on the test, i started to doubt. maybe i had just been so exhausted all month from worrying and working out so much. maybe i hadn't really felt sick, it was all in my head. maybe the heartburn was from stress. i realized i wasn't ready to face the test. so i finished peeing and then left it on the floor and shut the door. "i can't look yet!" i wailed to travis. "you look!" he determined we would wait five minutes and then face it together. i brushed my teeth. we layed in bed for a sec. and then when the suspense was at the killing point, we ran into the bathroom, banged the door open, and saw. 

double lines. 

pregnant double lines. 

which led to travis grinning in disbelief, me grabbing the test and shoving it in his face, him telling me that thing is covered in your pee, get it out of my face, me screaming over and over I'M NOT A CRAZY PERSON SHUT UP SHUT UP I'M NOT A CRAZY PERSON!!!!!!!! us running through the house, kissing, me yelling at travis, who kept saying, stop telling me to shut up! and then us laying on the bed together, crying. yeah, one of those moments in your life you remember forever with all those funny details. 

the rest of that day was a crazy blur. we went to the bookstore. we went out to dinner to celebrate. big dopey smiles on our faces. having no idea what was coming next. 

on being a vomitus mass 

ahh, those early weeks of pregnancy. feeling only a twinge of nausea a few times a day. constant heartburn. overwhelming exhaustion. daily headaches. how i long for those days. up until six weeks, i was hitting the gym regularly, eating my usual meals, and going to bed early and sleeping through the night. then at six weeks, the realization of first trimester struck. 

i've always been blessed with great health. even as a kid i was hardly ever sick. my body has always been healthy and worked correctly. the longest i have ever been sick was a three week stint with viral meningitis my first semester at byu hawaii. i never get carsick or airsick. i could count on one hand the amount of times i've thrown up since i was a kid. other than regular migraines, i don't have much to complain about. so when i started feeling nauseous every second of every day, and then started throwing up on a daily basis, my world was kind of turned upside down. i missed a few days in a row of gym time. then a week. then three. all the sudden food lost its appeal. i started waking up in the middle of the night with this gnawing starvation that terrified me. it was all i could do to walk down the stairs to lay on the couch. the house became a disaster, the laundry piled up. two weeks into this, i started to panic. how much longer was i going to have to live like this? when would i be able to stomach meat again? when would i be able to sleep more than four hours in a row before waking up nauseous and starving? how could my body survive the violent vomiting fits that brought me to my knees, puke spewing from my nose, dry heaving stomach acid, splashing myself in the face, leaving me gasping for air, and my legs shaking for an hour afterwards? at first, i just cried a lot. i would cry when i felt so nauseous i was sure i was about to die. then i would cry while heaving over the toilet for five straight minutes of gagging and heaving. then i would cry afterwards about how terrifying it is not to know when/if this will ever stop and you will be you again. 

then some more weeks passed and i began to adjust to my new lifestyle. i started talking to myself a lot in a soothing voice. "you're okay, once you puke you can go back to eating your breakfast." or "hey at least all those calories don't count against you now, right? just eat more!" i started laughing at myself when i got vomit in my hair or noticed i hadn't shaved my legs in weeks. or worn a bra or brushed my teeth all day.(it's a battle every time because the act of putting the toothbrush in my mouth makes me gag.) i learned some tricks of survival, like breathing out of your mouth so you never smell anything. or going outside and letting cold air blow on your face. or listening to your body so you know if you should eat now or wait ten minutes to throw up, and then eat. because there is nothing worse than forcing yourself to eat, an enormous accomplishment, and then all of it coming back and up and knowing it was for nothing. 

something that does not help, is being told that you will want more kids, that you will purposely subject yourself to this torture a second or third time. because at this point it just feels like i have had the flu for months. i don't know the good part yet. 

something else that doesn't help, is all of the "advice" about keeping food in your stomach, eat small meals, don't drink water with meals, etc. all of that is crap. i tried it. nothing helps. 

knowing why you're sick, that it's your hormone levels being wild and free and jumping all around in your body, doesn't help. all you want is to go back to being your old self. and not having to stake out all the garbage cans or exits anytime you go anywhere because you might need to vomit. 

and while writing this post, i had to get up and puke, which is kind of funny. 

but now that i'm 11 weeks, i'm really hoping to start feeling better soon. that hope, it's a strong thing. and my dad says that if it were easy, we probably wouldn't care for our offspring as dutifully as we do. all of these theories will be infinitely more interesting when i'm done being a vomitus mass. 

on seeing a little jumping bean living inside your body

i've done crazy things in my life. i've felt a lot of emotions. i wasn't prepared for how utterly wild it is to see inside your uterus (and that in itself, is a crazy thing to see.) and see that a little creature is living there. for one thing, i never thought i'd be in a doctor's office, laying on that weird bed thing, waiting to have cold gel smeared around my stomach, searching with that wand that reminds of a the tool used when you ring up merchandise with the red beeping, (you know?) for a fetus. so being that person was crazy. then the fact that it's travis bodtcher's baby, cute travis bodtcher from 10th grade, growing in my body, is kind of insane. dr. barton was so nonchalant about it. "here's your pelvic bone, oh here's your bladder, looks like you emptied it recently, here's your bowels, here's your cervix-" at which point i had to interject, "wow, that's a good looking cervix!" because when i'm nervous i say things that are strange. (i also may have told dr. barton that i wish the baby could keep it's little tail, to which he responded with, it would be tough to change diapers with a tail. in complete seriousness.) 

then finally, he finds my uterus and we see this little mass inside. moving around! he shows us the head and the legs and the heartbeat, which is beating at 163 beats per minute! i have two hearts beating inside my body. i grew that tiny heart beating at 163 beats per minute. can i just say, HOW AMAZING IS THE FEMALE BODY! travis is standing next to the bed and grinning and staring at the screen. i have another ah hah! moment of, i'm not crazy, i really am pregnant. 

everything is healthy. everything is growing according to plan. i'm really as far pregnant as i thought i was. then i go have blood drawn and we leave with a cute picture of our mexican jumping bean. who isn't actually mexican at all. travis is the father and he's pretty much white. but i digress.

we didn't cry. mostly i think we both felt relief that everything was healthy and growing. it's a pretty abstract thing to believe at first, because i'm not really showing much and travis hasn't felt any of the symptoms personally, so you just kind of hope it's all really in there. quite amazing, our bodies. 

i have a few pictures somewhere showing my nonexistent bump and us finding out i was pregnant, but i'm way too tired to post them right now. maybe tomorrow, now that i don't have to hide out from this blog. 

life really doesn't go where you think it's going. and a lot of times, it's better than way, huh? 

being pregnant is tough and i don't believe men could do it. 

i'm going to go lay down and watch desperate housewives. and keep eating. all day. 

love you.

xo

what happens when you're told you are only valuable if you're beautiful.

i'm going to warn you, this post is going to contain trigger warnings for pretty much everything. well not, everything everything, but i'm going to talk about sexual assault, low self esteem, rape, possibly every sad and awful and inexcusable thing ever. read at your own discretion.

where to begin. 

in the beginning of july, i went to the gym one afternoon after work. i enjoy the gym in the afternoon because most of the tools who like to take up a bench watching themselves lift 70 lb weights incorrectly, aren't off work yet. (or venturing out of their mom's basements yet. but i digress.) it's nice to be able to work out and not fight the crowds or be someone's eye candy. and okay, being someone's eye candy actually feels nice sometimes, but that is another part of what's wrong with the story i'm going to tell. 

so i've staked out my bench and i'm doing my workout. i've gotten a few glances, being one of the only women who isn't working out in the "women's workout" room, because i don't enjoy working out in a cramped, stuffy room short on equipment and space, but no one has really said anything to me. then a man takes a bench right next to me and wants to chat. i'm not sure if he's just being nice or it's he is trying to flirt. then when we winks at me i'm pretty sure i'm being hit on. i don't wear my wedding ring to the gym because it's a pretty big rock and i only really wear it when i've showered and dressed up. i don't know how to tell this man that i'm married and i also don't know if i am supposed to tell him or if that's presumptuous of me. maybe he's just being nice. maybe he's staring at my backside because he's admiring how fit it looks. maybe he flirts with everyone and it means nothing. part of me feels awkward, part of me feels uncomfortable, but another part of me is thinking, way to go, you've still got it! 

and okay, this is the part that is really hard for me to admit. if he wasn't hitting on me, i'd spend the entire workout telling myself i'm not pretty enough, not fit enough, not worthy of someone's attention, even if the attention is making me uncomfortable. because i've been told my entire life, or at least from the time i was in second grade, that i'm only valuable if i'm physically attractive. there was a boy in my second grade class who "liked" me. he told me i was cute and that he had a crush on me. this had never happened to me before. then i found out i needed glasses and was so excited about the purple frames i'd chosen. i told this boy about my glasses i'd soon be wearing and he told me, "when you wear glasses, you won't be cute anymore and i won't like you." bam! no one likes you if you're not attractive! that was the first of hundreds, thousands of times i'd get that message. and even though i'm 24 years old, in a loving, committed marriage, and i'm an educated adult, i still believe that message. even though that message goes against everything i stand for. even though i hate that message. for the most part, it's still with me. 

okay, back to the story in the gym. i ended up going into a different room to finish my workout and leaving in a different way where the guy wouldn't be able to see me leave. i didn't want him to think i was encouraging his flirting. as i'm shutting my car door, there he is standing in front of the car. this man followed me out to my car and came out of nowhere. he's saying something to me, making a phone sign and holding it up to his ear, i see him mouthing, "you should call me." i'm still shocked and a little freaked out that i was followed out to my car. without rolling down my window, i point to my ring finger and say, "sorry, i'm married." then, i can hear him yelling a very rude swear word and saying, "are you serious??" 

he walks away and i sit in my car in disbelief. and i lock the doors. 

then i spent the entire night, obsessing that i hurt his feelings. that i was giving off signals i wasn't aware of. i should have rolled down the window and explained things to him instead of acting so weird. 

i was freaking out that i'd hurt some guy's feelings. some random guy who hit on my and followed me to my car in an empty parking lot and startled and scared me. i felt like the bad guy. 

how does this happen, you may wonder. 

this is what happens when for one thing, we live in a culture that teaches this. 

saw this in my first women's studies class at BYUH. 

yes, they are allowed to talk about this at BYU. 

if you're interested, look up the full version on youtube. 

another reason i think the way i do, is that i was raised around a group of boys who were constantly reminding me my only value was in my looks. one of these boys would go on to sexually assault me and my best friend, and tell me parts of my body weren't as nice as hers. and i would feel that i wasn't enough. wasn't enough for a guy who was sexually assaulting me. but even before all that, this group of boys had a game they played. they rated girl's bodies with three numbers, on for her face, one for her midsection, and one for her legs and backside. they would rate all the girls in front of me. once, they realized i was a girl too and rated me. it wasn't a very high rating. i didn't feel upset at them for treating me that way. i was upset with myself for not being beautiful enough. i was also raised around many boy cousins who talked about girls in a way that assured me, you're only valuable if you're attractive. 

i grew breasts early on, and i grew breasts larger than most of my peers. the boys in school made comments, to my face, about my growing breasts. i lost track of the amount of times i was asked to flash boys. they asked me what cup size i was. they told me that's all they saw when they looked at me. once boy told me his name for me in his phone was "ginormous gizunguz." in my yearbooks, there are so many comments about breasts and "hey call me so we can make out." i was terrified my mom would see and think i was a slut. this all happened the year i was sexually assaulted. over and over and over i was told my body was the only important thing about me. 

my second year of college, i worked at the mall during the summer. there was a verizon wireless booth near where i worked. the guys who worked at that booth would often try to talk to me and the other girls as we walked by for lunch. one day we stopped and said hello. one of the guys working there, who had to be five years older than me, literally asked me if i would go out to the parking lot and give him a blow job in the backseat of his bmw. literally those were the words he said to me the first time he spoke to me. did i spit in his face or even tell him what a pig he was? of course not. because i had been well trained by now to know that if some stranger wanted me to give him oral sex, that was a compliment. never mind that it triggered terrible things. never mind that i was uncomfortable and embarrassed. hey, someone thought i was a worthy sexual partner. i just laughed it off and walked away. that is only one of many, many experiences like that. 

this isn't even covering what happened with the first boy who assaulted me. how i bought my first thong because he kept asking me what color underwear i was wearing and i was embarrassed to be wearing such "little girl" undergarments. the undergarments that covered my backside and weren't "sexy." i'm not going to go into the things he said and did to me, but i will say that they still haunt me. that i still feel the need to be "hot" and "sexy" or i'm not valuable in any way. 

so fast forward a few years. i've moved away and gotten away from those high school boys. i've learned and grown and started figuring out that i have more to offer than my body. i'm married to a man who loves me for  my mind, my brain, my heart, and my body, a wonderful combination i've never really known until now. working as a counselor was one of the hardest things i've ever done. it was pretty much a trigger finger for my PTSD. but i was really good at it. then there are a few of my co workers who begin to make those comments. so and so thinks i'm hot. so and so has a crush on me, and is telling everyone about it, even though he's married. then an older man makes comments to me about my breasts. i'm having panic attacks and remembering how terrifying it was last time i "told" on the boy who assaulted me. (i said that it was all consensual, not that i'd been assaulted.) even then, his friends peed on my house, harassed me at school, yelling, "whore!" every time they saw me in the hall. i blamed myself and still do sometimes. there was no way i could report these men at work. i was going to just deal with it like always. 

until i found myself emailing my boss and telling her i needed to talk to her. 

and we sat down in her office and i started sobbing and apologizing for sobbing. 

reported those men, called the head boss and reported them again. 

quit my job because i felt unsafe working there. 

stood up for myself when my employers tried to convince me to stay on for the rest of the month, assuring me the guy would work different shifts than me and wouldn't bother me. i told them i wouldn't work there after he knew because it wasn't fair for me to be in that position. 

went home and cried a lot. did the whole lock myself in the bathroom hiding from travis having a panic attack. but once i was done with all the shock of what had happened and i realized no one was going to harass or bully me or pee on my house, i realized i had stood up for myself. i hadn't let the cycle continue. 

and that was empowering. 

terrifying, too. 

i kind of always feel it's my fault for being sexually harassed because i have large breasts. 

this is absolutely false. 

my outward appearance is never an excuse for someone to ask me to give him a blow job.

being attractive isn't the only thing women have to offer. this is something i think i'll have to spend my entire life trying to believe of myself. 

if a man follows you to your car and then swears at you for not giving him your number, that's because he is a creep, not because of how you look in your gym clothes. 

and sexual assault is never the victim's fault. it doesn't matter what you are wearing, if you flirted, if you wanted him to be your first kiss. sexual assault is one hundred percent because the perp made a choice to assault you. these are things our culture is constantly reaffirming the opposite to us. we need to remind ourselves these things all the time. 

my friend alyssa sent me this article and it was spot on. go {here} to read about mormon culture and what needs to change. 

knowledge is power and that's what changes the world. our world needs so many things to change. please believe you're worth more than what you look like. please believe that rape is caused solely by rapists. please challenge the system and make those small changes that will lead to bigger changes. 

phew, i'm exhausted. 

as always feel free to email me. collette.charles7@gmail.com 

xo

an annoying amount of bikini pictures, summer catch up, and avoiding talking about "things that matter." plus it's getting late and i'm feeling goofy!!!!

so i haven't posted in a while. mostly because the computer has been in the shop, aka travis's genius brother generously cleaned it up for us. running like a champ-a-roo now! so the whole, not having a computer thing has gotten in the way of the posting, but also because i'm up to my old tricks of avoiding. avoiding thinking about what happened at work and the rough month i had PTSD-wise. avoiding thinking about how angry i am that i don't see those kids i fell in love with anymore and how much i miss them. but now that i've avoided for a comfortable amount of time, i'm ready to confront. well, in the next post. ... haha.  how about for now, i do a quick catch up on our summer.

don't worry. i don't just have panic attacks and avoid thinking about tough things. or just be caustic and sarcastic about it. i also do fun summer activities! see!

went to the daybreak community pool.

spent time working out and eating shave ice with my mom. 

went to the pool some more with liana and amelia. 

made some pretty enormous payments on my student loans. 

went on a random mexican food kick. and yes, i cook more meals than i take pictures of.
yes, i'm a freak who overthinks social media and wants to reassure you that i don't always
post pictures of what i cook. i promise i cook more than two times.
stop explaining yourself. 

took a family trip to our cabin in island park, idaho. went kayaking in a lightning storm,
which was an amazing and terrifying experience.

oh hey, went to the pool some more!
are there enough bikini pictures in this post?? 

finally hung pictures and added a bookshelf to the front room.
LOVE our new house. 

hit up daybreak's "fizz fest" with travis and enjoyed one of the last clear summer nights.

went to gourmandise to celebrate my dear friend roxanne's 25th birthday! ate a lot of chocolate.
this is the face she makes when we tell her what we love about her. so excited this girl moved to utah!

so there you have it. even though i'm unemployed, i'm finding ways to keep busy. i've also had some photo shoots that i'm pretty stoked on. can you believe it's almost the middle of sept?? where does the time go, i ask you!? 

hope your summer was wonderful and that you got to spend at least half the amount of time i did in a bathing suit. hey, i worked most the summer, so i had to cram the tanning in, right? 

best wishes. 

best wishes, what? 

xo

self promotion and advertising.

hey all.

i'm offering a back to school mini session and the details can be found {here} at my photography blog.

all that mad men i've been watching may have influenced the wording in my little ad. seriously, can't stop watching that show.

if you have a sec, would you mind sharing that link somewhere, like on your facebook or what have you. or if you know someone who has 12 kids (or just 1) and would be interested, pass it along. and hey, if you are interested, call me up 801.664.5383 or shoot me an email. collette.charles7@gmail.com.
and hey, thanks.

hope you're having a great day and enjoying the last little bit of august.

love you. xo

charles bodtcher family pictures

as i have mentioned, there is a lake by our house. i go running on the trails by the lake and one night found the most perfect spot for family pictures. i have had this image in my head for months and this week, liana helped make that image into our family pictures. the lighting wasn't quite what i hoped for, but we had a great time and liana did an amazing job. i gave her a very quick dslr tutorial, fiddled with the settings, and let her creative genius take the reins. all editing was also done by moi.

i can't believe how handsome he is. takes my breath away!

this one was probably the best.

or this.

going to blow this up and put in in the bedroom.

i love looking through these and seeing how much fun travis and i have together. you can really tell how much we love each other!

also. the dress i'm wearing? totally a second hand buy.
and can you tell i've been watching mad men lately? slightly obsessed with the sixties.
thanks for taking our pictures, liana!

if you want yours taken by the lake, give me a call.

xo

becoming a photographer

oh, hey.

i still have things to say about sexual harassment. and a huge post i have been writing in my head for months about homosexuality/lgbt/whatever you and yours call same sex/gender attraction. see there are too many ideas even just about what to call "it" and by saying "it" i'm sure i'll offend someone out there. this is why i haven't written this post yet. because if i can't even figure out how to approach what to call everything in a way everyone will understand, how am i supposed to talk about the actual topic?

but all those serious posts are coming. it's hard to write about the month of july and everything that happened to trigger my ptsd. but i will get there soon. and talking about homosexuality and our culture usually ends up with me in a white hot rage and wanting to hit many of my lds family members.

today i just want to talk about something shiny and happy. something that makes me feel shiny and happy.


so you know how i started learning to be a photographer this past year? this has turned into an incredible journey for me. i'm slowly building confidence and becoming more assertive in my ability. becoming a photographer has taught me to trust myself, because when someone is paying you to capture those once-in-a-lifetime moments, you have to trust yourself. it's sort of a high for me, that pressure of capturing the perfect shot combined with allowing your creative abilities to take over the controls. all the while you must seem completely confident and capable to your subjects, reassuring them, fixing stray hairs, waiting for a screaming child to stop screaming, and at the same time adjusting your camera's settings, which can feel similar to sitting in the cock pit of a rocket ship, staring at the buttons in awe and horror.

becoming a photographer has also taught to me look at the world in a different way. i notice small things; i appreciate beauty in a different way. i obsess over light.

the first time i shot in manual, controlling all the settings myself, i might as well have levitated ten feet off the ground. 

but it's hard, too. i stress over failure. i worry that i'm a fraud. competition is fierce! i know it takes time to build a client base and make real money, but i still doubt myself.

people say the most hilarious things, too.

"wow, your camera takes really nice pictures!" yep, it's all the camera.
"hey you should bring your camera to my wedding and take some pictures." for free, right?
"why on earth do photographers charge so much? it's ridiculous." have you noticed how expensive professional equipment is? do you have any idea how much time, talent, education, and effort it takes to plan, shoot, edit, and deliver your pictures?

but i love it so much. being a perfectionist, it means that much more when i nail that perfect shot, a beautiful moment captured forever in time. funny how you go 23 years of your life without knowing what you love to do most. i enjoyed psychology very much; it helped me find a voice and a starting place to fight on my soapboxes. but taking pictures just brings me pure joy.

here are some photos my little prime lens and i have taken recently.

i still have so much to learn. with every shoot i have another "ah hah!" moment.

if you want your pictures taken by someone who will love every minute of it, let me know.

go {here} for my photography blog.

and do what you love most!

xo