snow day, part II.

remington is seven months old. seven!
i am just now starting to feel like i know how to take care of a baby.
i don't feel like i'm drowning on a daily basis.
(we also upped one of my meds, which i'm sure is playing a part.)

not only do i not feel like i'm drowning, but i am thoroughly enjoying remington. all the sudden he is brimming with personality. his gummy smile melts me. you know that expression, tugs at your heartstrings? there is a physical tugging sensation in my heart when he smiles at me like that.
every day he learns something new, like a few days ago all the sudden he could push himself up to a sitting up position all by himself. there was much cheering going on at the charles-bodtcher house.

the other morning, we woke up to snow. i propped remy up on the couch in front of the window and watched him stare at all the white. told him, "look remington! it snowed!"  and i remembered last year around this time, when i wrote this post.

snow day.

oh hey. 

there is snow on the ground this morning.

i'm listening to my feist/hem pandora station.

it was a rough night. throwing up (yeah, the zofran isn't working so well anymore), trying to choke something down so i could go to sleep, then waking up 18767634 times to pee, then having a nightmare at 3am, being convinced a man was hiding somewhere in my house to torture and kill me, freaking out that i left the oven on, wandering around looking for the killer, and the word "looking" being used lightly because i'm blind as a bat and don't own any glasses.yeah, that's going to work, wandering around in your underwear, no weapon, and legally blind. what would you do if someone actually was there? get owned, that's what. 

i called travis and asked him to say a prayer on the phone with me because of how freaked out i felt. he fell asleep during his prayer a few times, bless him. oh the joys of being married to a fireman. 

all night i tossed and turned and  gagged and tried really hard not to throw up in bed. woo, i didn't. 

morning came and i began my daily countdown. 13 hours until you can go back to bed. 

then i put my contacts in, looked out the windows, and saw all this white fluff on rooftops and lawns. on my way down to the kitchen, i walked by the baby room and caught a glance of the yellow onsie we bought right after the positive pregnancy test. and the rocking chair my mom found secondhand. and i remembered that by christmas next year, we will have a seven month old baby scooting around, playing with decorations, and demanding all our attention. how exciting it will be hold that baby up to the window, point outside and say, "see that white stuff? that's snow!" 

mostly, i spend my days in survival mode. figure out something to eat, force myself to eat it, stay close to the toilet because i'll probably be kneeling over it soon, and trying to hold as still as possible. emotions like excitement, love, hope? yeah those are pretty dulled by nausea.  i forget that there's a reason i'm doing all this surviving. forget that in six months, the yellow onsie we bought will be all filled up with a newborn. 

i'm thankful for the snow today, reminding me i won't be stuck like this forever, and that something wonderful is coming. 

realizing i had made it, i survived to see that scene i had dreamed of last year. 

it was a moment of great triumph. 

as the months are passing, the horror of my pregnancy is starting to feel less fresh, less like an open wound. at least day to day. things will remind me, and i'll be angry and afraid all over again. 

recently i finally faced up to going to the dentist for a cleaning. mostly because of all the pain i've been experiencing when my teeth touch. it's been going on since my pregnancy, but i couldn't take it anymore. 

the dentist informed me that a huge amount of my enamel is gone, especially on the back side of my teeth. 

from vomiting. 

hence all the pain. 

also, my pretty pearly whites are now, as the dentist delicately phrased it, "stained." 

it hurts. remembering that scared, sick girl just plain hurts. 

there are times i really have no idea who i am. 

i was a college student for six years. 

then i became a sick person for almost a year, whose every day existence was all about survival. 

then the whole "losing my mind" bit didn't help. 

some days i look at myself and have no idea who i am anymore. 

some days i just feel ragged. 

that moment though, with remington and the snow. it really was wonderful. 

xo.