dear alex.

it's late.
the man i love most is sound asleep upstairs in my bed. i say "my bed" because it's the little full size bed i grew up with.
i just checked on our sweet boy, who is also fast asleep. probably dreaming dreams about soy milk or possibly cheese, as i let him a piece tonight. (he wasn't a fan of extra sharp cheddar.)

i am awake because i can't sleep.

those nights when you are worried about things and then are consumed with feelings. i am having one of those nights.

first it was because i stumbled onto mormon women bare and yes it's all about nudity, so if you don't like that, don't click.

then it was because i was worrying about a big thing that has been going on in my life.
i stopped going to church.
i stopped wearing my garments.
i stopped believing in most of the things i grew up with.

it's hard to do things that you know are hurting your parents.
it's scary to type that truth out to the world wide web.
more on that later when i'm ready to get it all out.


no, what i want to talk about tonight has to do with finding out that my first love just got engaged.

you know instagram?
well once in a while i insta-stalk my old boyfriend, just to see what he is up to.

is it weird to admit that? i know i'm not the only one.

and it's not because i'm unhappy with the choice of husband i made. i am very confident and happy with my choice. it's just that i hate when things are left unfinished and boy, were things left unfinished with alex.

yeah, that's right alex. i said your name. i'm not going to write sad and terrible songs about being dumped by a girl who is now with the wrong guy and then never have the guts to say her name and pretend like they aren't about her and sing them publicly to all her old friends who you got in the "divorce."

which is what alex did right after i got married.

alex, you got your response to me getting married.
here's mine to you.



dear alex.

tonight i was cruising the social network, trying to wind down before bed. tonight was one of those nights when i decided to see what you are up to. possibly hoping your life is terrible, that you've gotten ugly and that you aren't going anywhere with your life. i wonder if you've ever stalked my instagram account. if you've seen my beautiful family. i know you probably hate my short hair, as you always told me to keep growing it out. i hope you see how happy i am and realize that travis is right for me in ways that you weren't.

well tonight i saw that you posted a picture of a left hand with a ring. i have been expecting this, as you've been dating a girl for a while now. part of me felt happy to see you dating someone, and part of me wanted you to be alone and miserable forever. i had a feeling about this girl, that she would end up being your wife. but seeing you posting about being engaged to someone else, that was a strange feeling. happy for you, happy you found someone good for you. but a little strange, to remember back to how we planned to marry and talked about our babies and the dog we'd have. we were so sure then, that young puppy love seemed so real and strong.

then i moved away to college and we dated long distance. our relationship was challenged. we fought a lot, but never for long. i think i loved you in a way that was unhealthy. both of us drifted from friends and families. we spent all our time together. you didn't like my dad. my dad really didn't like you.

you didn't go to church when we first started dating. you started going with me and pretty soon you decided you wanted to serve a mission. i never told you to serve, but i think i helped you go back to church. funny, because during your mission, you started treating me differently. oh i was so heartbroken when you left. i'll be honest, i felt completely abandoned. i felt that you loved "the church" more than you loved me. which is the complete opposite of how the missionary girlfriend is supposed to feel. she is supposed to support her missionary, send packages, wait for him. all the attention was on you. i was in the background. at your farewell, your family members had the video camera out and were saying the recording of us hugging would be played at our wedding. when i tried to suggest to you that i might date while you were away, you told me, "i'm not allowed to date, so neither are you." days before you left, you told me you were going to give me a priesthood blessing. i didn't ask you; you told me i needed one. during the blessing, you mentioned things like, "God will give you strength while i'm gone." i started feeling our relationship shift, felt a control from you i wasn't sure about.

but i was so in love! we had songs, we had jokes. we kissed in the park. you called me "honey." we went train watching late at night.  after you dropped me off, i'd call you and we would talk for hours. you were in a band and i was your girl. you were the only thing i wanted, the only thing that felt safe to me. i'm sure it had to do with you being my first real boyfriend and first person i trusted after the sexual assault. even though you were always late picking me up, like hours late, even though you honked the horn at me on our first date and my dad refused to let me go until you came to the door, even though on my last night before moving out and i was freaking out and you took me out to dinner but then told me i had to pay and so i used my birthday money, even though you wrecked my car and then refused to take care of the damage,  i was so very in love with you.

then you left and i was alone.
i'd listen to the voicemails you had left me over and over and over and over and over at night.
my roommates would invite me places, but i'd stay in and write you letters.
i hounded the mailman. i worried about your packages getting out on time.

and then you sent our mutual friend an email telling him to, "not let me go out on halloween looking like a slut."

i realized you were changing. that guy i had fallen for, the guy who wasn't all that religious, was now inferring i'd be a slut.

oh how my heart broke.
i wrote you about it, and you apologized, but the damage was done.
my letters became fewer and you started asking questions. when i told you i was dating someone else, you told me that a girl you were teaching, who happened to be a cheerleader, had a crush on you. tit for tat.

on christmas eve, i kissed another boy. we were out sledding. it was romantic. until i heard a train whistle go off, and was reminded of all the nights we sat watching trains. i talked to you on the phone the next day at your parents' and felt such guilt. slut.

our friends told me they'd take me on dates while you were gone, to keep me company.
they didn't.

a few months later, i wrote you to tell you, stop writing.
you were furious and you kept writing, even though i stopped.

i moved to hawaii and cut off all my hair. i wrote you to tell you. you said you weren't worried, that it would grow back by the time you came home.
i dated a lot of guys. i kissed most of them.
i missed you.
i stopped listening to all the music we loved because it hurt too much.
i dated someone who reminded me of you, just because he reminded me of you.

you came home and i had just started dating travis. your mom kept calling, saying that it didn't matter if i'd gained weight, that you would still love me. saying that we belonged together. my mom asked her to stop calling.

we went for a drive and talked about a lot of things. you told me you'd felt like God wanted you to keep writing me. you told me i had to tell you how many guys i had kissed while you were gone. i told you, and you said you could forgive me for it. i told you it was over. you told me that travis was a bad guy, that he drank alcohol and lied to me about it. i said goodbye to you.

that's when you really turned nasty. once when we were hanging out with friends, you shoved me. you said said that i looked guilty at your homecoming talk, the talk where you literally got out of your seat and interrupted the guy speaking about leaving on his mission. you interrupted him at the pulpit and told him what to say because you felt so important. you started texting me nightly to ask if i'd read my scriptures for the day. you said i had repenting to do. you point blank asked me if i had an STD.

it's hard when you realize you were wrong about the person you thought you loved most.
you wonder what else you are wrong about in your life.
i couldn't understand how your mission had turned you into this self righteous douchebag.

i missed hawaii so much.
i missed the old you so much.

you know the rest. my mom asked you to stop harassing me. you called her crazy, but then left me alone. until the day i got engaged, when you texted me saying how happy you were for me.

then our friends became your friends.
you started writing songs about me. i cried a lot. i even drove by your house at night, wanting to throw things at your door. but mostly wanting you to come outside and tell me it was okay, that we had a great love, but that it ended and that it was okay. i knew i had hurt you. but alex, you hurt me first.

now you are in love with someone else. i'm sure she is great, that she loves that you're a night owl and loves your jokes about rap music. you asked her to marry you and she said yes. i saw that you proposed with a mood ring, which made me laugh because you gave me a promise ring before you left that was also a mood ring. i really am happy that you found someone. i really do wish you well.

i don't know what i'm trying to say to you. thank you for being my first love. but you really broke my heart there for a while. and i never got to tell you that. you told me once that around your house, my name was synonymous with "bitch." that hurt too, because i really loved your family.

i know i won't get my tidy, finished ending where we shake hands and forgive each other out loud, making everything okay and wishing each other well. sorry i hurt you.

but mostly i'm just sorry that you were an assface.


-collette

xo.