being mom.

being a mom.
a job unlike any other job i've ever had. (and i've had a lot of jobs.)
no one trains you.
you aren't paid in money and you don't get raises or promotions.
usually your greatest successes happen when it's just you and baby, with no one around to congratulate you.
it's hard to explain to others why it was so exciting and rewarding to see your baby rolling over or eating solids for the first time. and usually, it's not as exciting to anyone else but you.
sometimes you wish for easier and more adventurous times in your life, like living far from home and going out late at night with friends.
sometimes you wish you were still in college, feeling that sense of superiority that you were learning important things and preparing for an exciting career changing the world.
speaking of college, sometimes you just want to shout to the entire grocery store that you aren't just a stay at home mom, that you have a real college degree and are a smart person.
sometimes you feel angry that you feel like you have to justify being a stay at home mom as being a real job.
every day is different.
just as soon as you think you've figured out how to take care of your baby, he gets sick and doesn't sleep. he is diagnosed with acid reflux and screams all the time. or he refuses to eat in your arms anymore. or he starts scooting around and getting into things. and life is changed yet again.
the word 'mom' should be changed to 'problem solver.'
there are days when you want to wear fancy clothes and high heels and feel sexy and be looked at by people your own age, but it's just easier to wear sweatpants. because babies have a lot of messy liquids that seem to cover your whole body.
you miss carrying your stylish purse, a purse that seems very light and small compared to the suitcase full of diaperswipesformulachangeofclothesbinkytoyblanketburpragbottlesprevacidgasdropstylenol that you lug everywhere.
at the mall, anyone can find you because there is a trail of spit up behind where you walked. you swore you'd be a mom who cleaned up after her child, and then you realized that people are paid to clean public places.
when you get naked to take a shower, which by the way has to be done at light speed, so it seems you always miss a spot shaving, and who am i kidding, that's when you do shave, you glance at your body in the mirror and sigh. you miss your perkier boobs, your flatter stomach.
you become as stealthy as a ninja. you can clean the house, check on the napping baby, have sex, eat lunch, and check on the baby again without making a single noise.
speaking of sex, you wish you would have known that it would hurt for 6 months after having your baby. you don't even want to know what it looks like down there, now that you have ragged vagina scar.
you miss being spontaneous and feeling sexy with your husband, because being tired, feeling unappreciated by the world, and missing your old body aren't really a recipe for intimacy.
you surrender your nights of sleep to the control of a tiny human.
your beautifully decorated, previously spotless house is now covered in bumbos, play mats, blankets, dirty bottles, and baby drool.
you master a new language, one that no one else in the world speaks but your baby. you can tell if your baby is crying for food, company, exhaustion, or boredom. you deserve an award for mastering this skill that no one else could.
sometimes you hear moms criticize other new moms and you wonder how these moms have time to even care about what other moms are doing.
sometimes other moms criticize your choices and you wonder why all of us moms who know, who understand how hard it is, could ever want to be anything other than bffs with each other.
when you go out, people love to talk to you about your baby. it's the best ice breaker of all time and you love feeling like you're "part of the club."
you take your baby to the park and instead of ignoring the woman next to you, you engage her in conversation about her child. you make new friends much more easily now.
you constantly hear people tell your husband he is amazing for what he does at work. you agree with them, but you wonder why you don't constantly hear people telling you how amazing you are that you grew a life, brought it through your body, and are teaching it literally every single thing.
you try to make time for yourself, but something always comes up.
you obsessively worry about your baby's nutrition, while you forget to eat or don't have time.
whenever people tell you "just wait until you have two or three" you want to punch them, because the word "just" makes you feel like no one gets how hard being a mom to your first one is.
you watch your friends doing fancy things, like traveling, getting their master's, or working prestigious jobs, and you envy them.
for the first time in your life, you sometimes would rather talk to another mom than your husband. because no one else gets it like another mom.
you have thousands of pictures of him, and most of them are in terrible lighting doing the same things over and over and over.
you realize that you speak high pitched, annoying "motherese" in public and you do not care who is listening.

you worry that you're doing everything wrong, that you're ruining your child by sometimes feeding him baby food out of the jar, letting him watch tv, not breastfeeding him, putting him to bed too late because you wanted to stay out, not always remembering to read him a book, not giving him a bath on the days you are too tired. 

you feel anxious about his safety and well being every second of every day.
some days you want to drop him off with anyone and drive far away.
sometimes you feel ashamed that you need to take medications to feel happy doing your job as a mom.
the last thing you do before leaving the house, if you remember, is try to wash off the white spit up spots from your jeans.

why on earth do you still do it.

because of the way your child smells.
because of how intoxicating it is to nuzzle his tiny feet.
because you will do anything for a giggle.
because you are obsessed with every single thing about him. every expression, every new sound, the way he turns red when he pushes out a poop, how his hair looks when it's wet in the tub, how excited he is to watch cars drive by, the look of pure joy on his face when he swings at the park, watching him learn how to use his hands, seeing him look around for you when he's being held by someone else, holding him in your arms while he sleeps, the way you want to show him off to the world, encouraging him to kiss your cheek and being covered in slobber, listening to him jabber to himself in his crib while you wake up, when you're the only one who can get him to stop crying.

it's because you of the intense love you feel for your baby, and watching him show you he loves you back.

dear moms, the new and the experienced,
you are incredible and so am i.

xo.