birthing remington.

this is the story of how i birthed my son, remington. in case you don't know much about birth, it involves a lot of intimate details, like bodily fluids and pushing. oh and the vagina, which is a star player in this tale. so if you're uncomfortable with all of that, just know that you have been warned. 

three people live at my house now.

fifteen days ago when travis and i left our house, there were only two of us, and we didn't think that the next time we came home, there would be a third.

right now travis and i are sitting on the couch with our tiny son, who has a gorgeous head of hair and who makes adorable squeaky noises while he sleeps. 

is this real life? 

also. i gave birth. like, my body expelled a six pound baby from my insides to the outside world. 

it was incredible. 

this story starts a couple of saturdays ago. 

travis and i were heading to murray, as per usual, to eat dinner with my family. i had been having contractions on and off for several days, but at our doctor's appointment that week, dr. barton pronounced my cervix dilated to a "1.5. maybe." we figured these contractions were just really frequent and slightly painful braxton hicks. on our way out the door we joked, "should we pack a hospital bag, just in case? nah." so we headed out.  

once at my parents, i was still having contractions, 3-5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute, some of them strong enough it was hard to stand. my brothers were watching this really funny video and my contractions hurt enough that laughing was uncomfortable. my brothers all wanted to know if they would be meeting remington soon, but travis and i assured them that i was only 37 weeks and it would be a few more. 

after a few hours of this, we headed to travis's parents' house (the hospital where we delivered is located in murray and we live about twenty minutes away, hence all the sticking around at our parents' homes.) and took a walk around our old block, trying to peek through the windows of our first house. travis was timing my contractions on his phone. in our 45 minute walk, i had twenty something contractions, most of them intense enough to stop me in my tracks. after our walk, we sat at his parents' kitchen counter for another few hours, still timing the contractions. at around 9:30 pm, we decided to call our labor and delivery to see if we should go in. dr. barton advised us to come in immediately to have my cervix checked. 

our families were excited, but i kept telling myself that nothing would have progressed "down south" and that we would be sent home. 

this is where ish started getting real. (and switching to present tense.) 

travis and i pull into the hospital parking lot. he drops me off at the door. as always, i remember all the times we have been in to L&D: several times the week i was diagnosed with hyperemesis, then the bleeding scares. i wonder if this time might be the last time we walk though these doors while i'm pregnant. no way. i think. 

standing there, leaning over the front desk, having a contraction, telling the nurse my name and how far along i am. so surreal. we are taken to the triage room where a nurse will hook monitors to my belly and check my cervix for progress to see if i'm really in labor. travis helps me into the drab hospital gown and settles me into the bed. nurse ashley comes in and starts reviewing my history. hooked up to the monitor, we see that i am indeed having contractions, not just making a ploy for attention. 

ashley takes my blood pressure and it comes back high, a new development. should i be worried? i wonder. labs are ordered and blood is drawn. "it's probably because i'm nervous that you're going to check my cervix." i tell ashley. she continues to take my history and asks if i have a history of depression or anxiety. i tell her i have PTSD. she glances at me, but continues her questioning. 

then she checks my cervix, something every nurse who ever tries has a terrible time doing because i have a hard time relaxing. this time, i practice my newly acquired hypnobirthing skills, but ashley still has a rough time getting her hand up to my cervix. someone's hand is inside my body, mere centimeters from a baby that is going to come through my body, i think. ashley classifies my cervix as a "three" and calls me "80 percent effaced." 

"do you mind if i ask you what your PTSD is from?" ashley asks. 

looking her square in the eyes, i answer, "sexual assault." and thank you counseling, for helping me to be able to answer a question like that at a time like this. 

**side note: i have a sneaking suspicion that ashley has had her own experience with sexual assault, because after telling her this, she gave me the empathy only a person who understands can give. i could be completely off base, but she worked with me the entire night for every cervix check to make sure i was comfortable and in control of what was happening, something most nurses and doctors don't take the time to do. 

so back to the story, sorry, everything is pretty hazy here because it was so late at night. my labs come back and indicate that i am preeclamptic. my liver and kidneys are unhappy. great, one more thing wrong with my body during this pregnancy, love it. the on call doc wants to keep us in triage for a little while longer to see if my labs change. even though my contractions are legit and regular, my cervix hasn't dilated enough to call this "active labor" so if my labs seem any better, they will let us go home, but ashley assures me if i don't deliver tomorrow, it will only be a few days with the way my contractions are going.

we spent most of the night in the triage room, with ashley coming in to check me every hour or so. travis dozing on a very stiff chair, me watching some show called, "my cat from hell" or something. finally around 2 am, due to worsening labs, the doc gave permission for us to be admitted for the night and moved to an actual delivery room. "i'll be shocked if you aren't induced and delivering today." ashley assured us.

wait. wait. today?
but i'm not ready.
i left a dirty dish in the kitchen sink.
i never cleaned out that hall closet.
i really wanted to have a spotless house to come home to.

these are my first thoughts.

and then:

hey, i'm 37 weeks. i get to shave off almost three whole weeks of this pregnancy.
we are going to meet remington!
this is finally going to be over. 

at some point, my parents and brother, reed, come to assist travis in giving me a priesthood blessing. it is a beautiful blessing, full of comfort that my body and remington will be healthy, talk of God being proud of me, and then travis blesses me that i will be able to look back on his birth as an experience i will cherish forever.

after the blessing, we move to the other room and then my parents drive out to our house, pack that hospital bag, and bring it to us. finally around 3 am, we doze off.

sleep doesn't last long.

a bright light shines in my face and i'm instantly confused about where i am. then i see nurse ashley with the on call doctor and remember, holy batman, i'm having a baby. 

the doctor, who is wearing an obscene amount of either cologne or aftershave, and who is older and really just resembles a dinosaur, starts talking at me.

"i don't like the look of your labs. if we send you home, you are just going to get sicker. so i'm going to break your water right now and then we are going to start you on pitocin to augment your labor."

and before i can do more than weakly say, "okay?" doctor dinosaur is shoving his hand into my cervix. ashley tries to explain to him how if he goes slowly, i'll be able to relax, and i tell him, "wait just give me a second and i can relax for you." but he is already holding what looks like a very long crochet hook and is trying to break my water with it.

to say i was a little freaked out would be like calling the pacific ocean a small puddle.

it all happens so quickly. a confused travis is waking up to a very fragrant dinosaur doctor all up in his wife's business with his tiny t-rex arms.
okay fine, he had normal sized arms.

dino-doc leaves the room, saying he's not sure he even was able to break my water because i couldn't relax enough to let him in there, and ashley is all apologies.
"i'm so sorry! i tried to explain to him to go slow! i would have just done it, but he didn't give me a choice."

i'm still in shock. but when i stand up to go pee, a huge gush of warm water pools around my feet.
yeah, i think he hooked it with that long sharp instrument.
please bless that dr. barton will be able to come in today, because if that guy is doing the delivery, he's going to drop remington with his tiny, t-rex arms, and i'm going to strangle him and go to prison for killing the last of the dinosaurs.

after this, ashley brings in the nurse for the day shift, elaine, and introduces her to me. she hugs me and wishes us well with the delivery.

i ask the new nurse if i can eat breakfast, because i'm dying of starvation and she orders me a tray.
travis and i are finally left alone and we look at each other.
okay. this is it.
and then dino doc comes in and further endears himself to me by saying he cancelled my breakfast. and that if it was all right with me, they were going to start the pitocin in the next hour to get things going.

basically my birth plan was quickly being tossed out the window.

earlier in the week, i had spent several hours researching and writing a birth plan. the plan included me not wearing a hospital gown, but something comfy i would bring in myself, being able to try to labor without pain medications, instead using walking, relaxation techniques, a bath, a birthing ball, etc, and not having labor induced. also i didn't want to be asked my level of pain, i wanted to hydrate by drinking water and not have to be hooked to an iv. i wanted only intermittent fetal monitoring if everything looked good. so yeah, pretty much the birth plan was out the door. but the most important thing about that birth plan was that all that researching, (plus how often i had to deal with nurses and doctors during this whole deal) taught me that i was the one in control of how things were going. that even though everything was going completely not according to plan, i was still the boss.

plus, come on, nothing, absolutely nothing, went how i wanted it to go during my pregnancy.
(besides only gaining around 25 pounds, but i wanted to take care of that by working out, not starving. whatever, i'll take what i can get.)

so once they tell me they're going to have to induce labor, keep me hooked up to monitors, blood pressure cuff, and an iv that had already been placed, i knew i wanted the epidural. the idea of being strapped to the bed, unable to move or change positions, and being in the worst pain of my life, not appealing.

nurse elaine advises me to get the epidural before i am in so much pain that i can't hold still, as holding still seems to be a key component in not sustaining nerve damage while having a large needle jabbed into your spinal area. i appreciate this advice.

around 10:30 am, they start me on pitocin.
and then we wait.

here we are, looking a bit haggard from the long sleepless night. 

an hour after starting the pitocin, the pain starts. the contractions, previously classified as uncomfortable, now feel like severe period cramps. after fifteen more minutes, they feel more like the pain i experienced when having my IUD placed. i'm ready for the epi juice.

the anesthesiologist comes in, pushing his cart covered in shiny objects and tools that i don't eye too closely. i don't want to know how long that needle is until after it's all done. this is the part of the day i am most afraid of. travis gets in my face and reassures me that everything is going to be good.

he is right.

the anesthesiologist instructs me to curl into a ball with my back away from him. i realize i'm not sure if my bare backside is showing and how little it matters anymore. modesty continues to go out the window. travis stays by my face and i actually use the hypnobirthing i have practiced to breathe and stay calm. oh the irony. i ask the anesthesiologist to tell me exactly what he is doing and why, and i am shocked at how painless the whole procedure is. just a light stinging sensation when he numbs my back for the big needle and catheter and then some pressure. then it's all over.

travis asks him how many of these he has done. "16,000." he answers, a hint of pride in his voice. then he looks at me. "and you asked me more questions than anyone else ever has."

travis and i smile at each other, and then thank him as he leaves the room.

nurse elaine tells me she will be back in a while to place my catheter, once the numbness has set in.
we turn on the NBA finals, crank up my music.
and we wait.

i couldn't have asked for a better partner to help me through the day. travis was positive, kept me laughing, said and did all the right things, and made me feel like a champion. how i love him.

probably the most uncomfortable part of the entire experience was how hungry i was all day, as i hadn't eaten anything since the night before. travis kept bringing me ice chips to munch, and one thing that kept me going was knowing how insanely delicious dinner was going to taste that night. oh and the whole, meeting our son, thing.


so about an hour after the epidural, nurse elaine comes in with the catheter to drain my bladder. i am worried, because i can still feel all my "parts" and after the pain of that catheter i had at week 29, i am not about to let her in until i'm good and numb. that's the whole point of the epi juice, right?

elaine gets all up in my lady business and prepares to place the catheter. i tell her i'm worried that it's going to hurt because i can feel her holding my "parts" open.
"well, some people can feel the catheter going in." she says. "but i'll be quick and it will all be over."
i have played this song and dance far too many times during this pregnancy, just going along with whatever the medical authority says. not happening today.
"i don't want you to put that in until i'm more numb." i say, looking her square in the eyes.
"but i have to drain your bladder." she responds. "we have been pumping you with fluids all morning."
"bring me a bedpan or something." i tell her. "i can go on my own. if you can get me into the bathroom, i can go in the toilet; my legs aren't even that numb yet."
she looks skeptical. "sorry, but no one can control their bladder like that after having the epidural. i know it feels like you could, but you can't. i promise."
i'm getting annoyed at this point.
"i promise you i can go on my own." i repeat.
she sighs. "okay. show me."

and i start peeing. as elaine is holding me open, the pee squirts up in a perfect fountain, splashing the bed and her arms.

"you're peeing on me." she says in disbelief. "you are peeing. on me."
"i told you!" i say. "do you want me to stop?"
"no. you've already soaked everything. you might as well finish."

travis is doubled over laughing. i am feeling pretty proud of myself.
this pregnancy might have tried to kill me, and now labor is going completely opposite what i wanted, but dang it, i'm still the boss of my own body.

an hour later when i'm numbed up, she comes back and places the catheter. no pain.

after this excitement, i remember how exhausted i am. i send travis to get lunch. he doesn't want to leave me alone, so he calls my parents to come sit with me while he heads to the cafeteria. my parents come in and we laugh about my peeing escapade. elaine comes in to check my cervix. my dad leaves the room, as i'm still not to the point where i am fine with my father seeing my hoo-haw.

"okay, i'd call you a four!" she says excitedly. then while her hand is still in my cervix. thank goodness for the epidural making it not a big deal that someone's hand is in my cervix. "oh wait, now you're a five. okay, five and a half. okay, i'm calling you a six. wow, things are really progressing here. i'll be shocked if you don't deliver by the time my shift is over tonight."

travis comes back from lunch and we tell him the news. i can't believe how excited i am.
my parents leave and travis and i settle down for a few more hours of waiting.

some time later, (i'm having trouble keeping track of time, partly because of how insane this day is and partly because of how tired i am.) but some time later, maybe an hour and a half, a man comes in to prepare the area for when remington gets here and the tests they will do to make sure everything is healthy. he congratulates us and we make small talk.

then i feel something new. the only way i know how to describe it is that i need to have a bowl movement, like some intense pressure in my nether regions.
"travis. i'm feeling like... like i should push. how would i know what that feels like? i was only a six last time they checked me."

***side note about the epidural: i was shocked at how much feeling i still had in my lower half. i could feel my contractions, i could feel the urges to push, just no pain. i could wiggle my toes the entire time and with help, move my legs. pleasantly surprised. 


"so maybe we should call the nurse?" i say uncertainly. travis pushes the call button and the man who is in the room setting things up says, "hey, you can't have a baby while i'm in here!" and he high tails it out of there. we laugh.

seriously, this is giving birth? making jokes with travis all day and laughing? 

nurse elaine comes in and i tell her about the feelings of needing to push.
"and i kind of feel like i may have... pooped."

again, she doesn't believe me. "no, you probably just feel like you did."
she checks me. yes. i pooped. all dignity is gone. except that i do not care at all. she cleans me up.
and yes. i'm dilated to a 9. a 9!

i'm a little freaked out by how close that is to pushing time, so i start pushing my epidural button. come on juice, get in my body!

elaine says she is going to go call dr. barton to see if he will be coming in to do the delivery.
when she comes back, she reports that he said he would leave his family party and be there soon.
elaine checks me again. "you're at a ten!" she says. "okay, i'm staying with you until this is over!"

****another side note: elaine had only one other patient that day, a woman who was basically progressing the exact same as me, having a baby boy, being induced, we had our epidurals about the same time, etc. the whole day we had been competing with her to have our baby first, and elaine had told us that she would stay with whichever one of us got to a ten first. i do love a good win. uhhh victory! 

elaine leaves the room and travis and i look at each other.
"this is it! probably only a few more hours!"
i'm still pushing that epidural button, a little aggressively. travis notices this and suggests that we say a prayer together. he offers it and again, blesses me that i'll be able to cherish today's experience forever. i'm feeling much calmer now. what would i do without this man?

elaine comes back in, checks me. she suggests we try a few pushes to see where we're at.
"are you uncomfortable with me looking at your vagina while you push?" she asks. "some people get uncomfortable."

as always in situations i'm nervous with, i have to make things awkward.
"well i've been told that i have a very nice looking vagina." i say. travis starts laughing. "i mean, it's been a while since i've been able to groom down there, but travis tells me it's pretty gorgeous."
elaine is laughing. we are all laughing.
okay, push time.
she teaches me how to push, take in a deep breath, push as hard as i can for ten seconds, and then exhale. repeat this three times. after two sets of these pushes, she stops me. "okay, i think we should wait for dr. barton. i can see his head! he has a lot of dark hair!"

again, is this real life?

remington still has a ways to descend, so elaine tells me as long as i'm comfortable waiting, we should wait for dr. barton and let remy come down on his own.

some time later, dr. barton comes in the room, saying hello, calm as a cucumber, the reason i chose him in the first place. he sits down between my propped up legs and takes a look at things.

"how's it going?" i ask. meaning "how's it going with the whole 'baby coming through my vagina' thing."

"dr. barton glances at me. "oh i'm fine." he starts.
"no, i say. "i don't really care how you are in this moment. i'm talking about myself."
more laughing.

dr. barton coaches my pushing, with travis and elaine each holding a leg. i tell dr. barton i would rather tear than have an episiotomy and that i want travis to cut the cord only after it has stopped pulsing. he says that will be fine.

i pray that the epidural has numbed me enough to get through all this pushing and then start, clenching my eyes shut and pushing with muscles i never knew i had. my team cheers me on. i can't believe how big of a rush this is, and that travis is staring at my vagina while this is happening and that i'm good with it all. i'm offered a mirror to see the action, but i'm not that comfortable with the situation and i turn it down.

"babe! i can see his head!" travis exclaims. "you're doing great! you're so close!" my team keeps cheering me on. travis later tells me that dr. barton used loads of lubricant and massaged my parts to keep me from tearing too badly.

four pushes later, everyone gets really excited.
"one more big one." dr. barton says, still calm as always. "here comes the head."

the most insane feeling of my life, the feeling of this huge weight coming through my body, and then lifted out.
then a baby being held up over my face. he is purplish and covered in white vernix and my blood.
they put him on my chest and i begin to cry.

i look in his eyes. this tiny human who just came out of me.
he is the only person who was there for all of it, the vomiting, the late night driving home to rush inside and puke. all the times i sang myself to sleep. feeling completely alone and isolated, except that he was there. all those trips to infusion to be stuck and filled with the fluids i couldn't keep up on. the only person who was with me the entire time. this tiny person who changed my life forever, fixed parts of me i thought were unfixable.
my son.

we all have moments in our lives that change us forever. there is a before and then an after. you aren't the same. i have had several of those moments in my life, like the first time i saw the ocean in hawaii, the time i watched one of my dear friends die from cancer. this moment, the moment my son and i first met, nothing can compare.

he had a little grunt that dr. barton was worried about, so the NICU team came in to check him out. 

everything was fine, and then he was whisked right back to me. 

we did it.

no words for this love.

how can words describe the experience? nothing could have prepared me. that golden moment, the moment i had been promised over and over, that i would forget everything and be enveloped in golden light?

it was so much better than the description.
i certainly didn't forget everything, and i don't think i ever will, but seeing remington's face, nothing could have been a better finish line.

and then of course, there was the comment dr. barton made.

while they were weighing and measuring him, i ask, "hey, how long is he?" no answer. "hey, hello, how long is he?"

dr. barton, who is stitching up my 2nd degree laceration, smiles at me.
"i'd say about an inch."

i am confused, until i realized he is making a penis joke. everything seems so surreal and perfect and beautiful.

travis leans over me and our new son, and tells me i did an amazing job and that he is so proud of me.
nothing could have ever topped that moment.

and that's basically the story.
two weeks ago right now i was not the same person.
remington has only continued to make our lives better and i can't express how thankful i am for him and for travis. i had no idea love could be so big and all consuming.

i did it. i survived hyperemesis. i gave birth to a perfect six pound baby boy.
thank you to my parents, and our families and friends for the support and love.
thank you travis, for keeping me going, for being the father to our son, for loving me through everything, for taking these beautiful pictures that i'll cherish forever, for showing me what real love is like.

thank you remington, for completely changing my life for the better.

xo.