one month.

everyone always says time goes so fast with a new baby and everyone is absolutely right.

 it's been one month since remy was born. one month! time does fly and newborns grow at alarming speeds. well, not alarming really, but you know, fast. it might be alarming if i wasn't so antsy for him to grow a little bigger and become less fragile. but then, even that is bittersweet, because a lot of little things have already changed and i miss them. like burping him when he was a week old, and his helpless little neck needing support, chubby cheeks spilling over onto my hand, and his glassy blue eyes staring at me while i patted his back. now, he thinks he can support his own head and bobs his neck around, rooting for more food.

i've changed a lot too. at first, i was terrified to do things like burp him, because i was nervous that i'd somehow break him. now, i can make his bottle one handed while holding him or snuggle him laying on the couch without worrying i'll hurt his neck.

it is amazing what one month can change.

here he is, one week old, barely fitting into newborn sized clothing. now all his onesies are almost too small.

there were two of us, and now there are three. only a month and i can't imagine life without our third.

one month and my body has again, made huge changes.

yesterday i tried on the bikini i bought last summer right before getting pregnant. yeah, doesn't quite look the same as last august, but i'm immensely proud of my body and what it accomplished and survived over the past year. even with the extra belly flab and cellulite on my backside, i'm going to be flaunting the bikini this summer at the pool.

towards the end of my pregnancy, i tried to imagine how i'd feel post baby, with a deflated belly and extra pounds and i thought i'd be embarrassed and ashamed. i'd picture taking a shower and travis seeing me naked, and just feel overwhelmingly gross.

funny thing, that's not how it has been. the morning after having remy, i braced myself for the worst. stood there alone in the bathroom and lifted up my hospital gown and took a look at the damage. (i wish i'd taken a picture.) there it was, the deflated balloon belly i'd feared. but i wasn't disgusted at all! instead, i opened the door and showed it too travis, who sweetly said, "wow, it doesn't even look like you had a baby! just like you had a couple beers, maybe." which wasn't true in the least, but it did make my morning. this whole past month, i've been showing him my naked, shrinking body, and he always makes sweet comments like that. being so open about my imperfect body has been empowering and freeing. and after travis saw my vagina in birthing action, it just wasn't a big deal for him to see a mushy stomach, or blood dripping down my legs in the shower. he even asked if he could inspect my stitches for me, to make sure they looked okay. even though we've been married almost three years, and you know, had sex, i've never felt so open about my body before. i always used to feel like if my body wasn't perfect, it was an embarrassment. not the case anymore. i love my body and am proud of its imperfections.

speaking of travis.

our relationship has grown in ways i'd never imagined in the past month. getting to know each other as "mom" and "dad" has forever changed us for the better. i've never known such love! the first week we were home, it seemed we were always crying together. crying at how beautiful remy is, crying in relief that pregnancy was finally over, crying about how much love we felt. we've always worked well as a team, but that has been taken to a new level, as we learned together how to care for our little son. i never would have believed having a baby together would have brought us so close.

then, there are the changes i've felt in myself.

it really is just like this quote.

"making the decision to have a child is momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
                  -elizabeth stone.

growing up, my parents always took a week long vacation just the two of them, leaving us kids with grandma. my mom called us every night. she has told me how hard it was to leave us, even though she enjoyed the one-on-one time with my dad. i never quite understood that. i figured if i ever became a parent, i'd love the alone time. a few weeks ago, i was talking to my cousin's wife about her upcoming trip to hawaii. she told me she was dreading the trip, because she would be to leaving her baby with her mom for the week. my first reaction was, "you don't even deserve to go to hawaii! i should be going in your place!" don't worry, i didn't say it out loud. i told travis i didn't think i would have any problem leaving remy for a week (when he's older.) to visit my dear, old hawaii. then last week, we left remy with oma and went out on a real date.

it didn't quite go the way i had pictured.

we saw iron man 3. i honestly couldn't tell you much about the movie, because the entire time, i was thinking about remington. not that i was worried about him being with my mom, because obviously he was safe and happy, but i just kept thinking about him, missing him. when the movie ended, i turned to travis and his first words to me were, "i miss remington." and we immediately called my mom. she encouraged us to go out to eat and not worry.

don't get me wrong; we had a good time together.

and remy hanging out with oma all evening.
oh i am obsessed with him.

i just wonder if i'll ever be able to have a conversation or do anything again without a piece of my mind wondering how remy is doing.

like when we have visitors, i have a hard time focusing on what the person is saying while they are holding remy, because i'm watching to make sure they support his neck or wondering if he needs a diaper change.

or like last sunday, i played music with a group of friends and it was a wonderful time! but travis took remy downstairs because it was too loud for his ears. the whole time, i was thinking about my little guy, wondering if he was sleeping or smiling or doing anything.

heart walking around outside your body indeed.

here's the music gang.
it really was a great time.

and, then there are all the cute remy-isms (stole that from you, kelly white.) that we love to see.

like how he has a little tail of hair in the back.

like how he makes this face any time you introduce him to something new. like the swing.

like how much he loves bathtime, but actually does love having his hair washed.

how he goes from crying his heart out to peaceful bliss the moment 

we wrap him in a still-warm-from-the-dryer towel.

his pathetically adorable whining face.

his remy-stare.

so much staring.

aaaaand how cute is his little sailor outfit.

i die. every. time.

plus it never gets old watching my little brothers love on him.

what a month!
love not being pregnant.
love watching travis being remington's dad.
love being rem's mom.

xo.