that time i poured water on my husband at the doctor appointment because i was so angry. and a lot of other honest, angry admittings.

time for a good dose of brutal honesty.
and please let me just say, i hate that my blog has become a pregnancy blog. i hate that being a sick person is the only thing i really have to write about. i am trying to keep a positive attitude, but today i just have some things to get off my enormous, ever expanding chest.

i hate being pregnant.
yes, that strong, scary word, hate.

probably everyone who experiences pregnancy grows weary of its discomforts, feels anxious about the future, and wishes it could hurry up and end.

except for those freak women who claim to feel better during pregnancy and want to have six thousand babies.
also known as, women who i wish to punch in the vagina.

and can i just say, i am so very tired of hearing this:
"oh just wait until you get to the last month. you don't even know what uncomfortable is until you get that huge. you will do anything to get that baby out of you."
seriously, i was already that uncomfortable and miserable months ago. i am so incredibly sick of trying to be polite when people make those kinds of comments.

getting off topic here.
probably i hate being pregnant because this experience has been more of an illness than a pregnancy, and i just really, really, really want my health back.

yesterday's doctor's appointment came to a breaking point.

it was just a normal monthly appointment. as usual, i was nauseated, the normal crazy nausea that i'm slowly learning to live and function with because it's almost always there. but the patience it takes to cope with feeling sick every day seems to leave little patience for anything else, and i'm told being pregnant makes you feel a little crazy anyway. so these days i'm not really in a good place to deal with much.

did the normal doctor appointment routine. peed on the little strip of paper that tells the nurse if i have, uh,...something that isn't good... can't remember what that test is for, took off my boots and stepped on the scale, told the nurse i didn't want to know how much weight i'd gained, because gaining weight during pregnancy is complicated, it's scary when you aren't gaining weight and then it's scary when you are, gave her my arm for blood pressure and sighed about my pulse being high, and then was ushered into the exam room. and can i just say, they need to have an extra chair put in those exam rooms. there's a chair for the husband, a stool for the doctor to sit on, and then you have to climb up onto that horrible sort of bed with the rustling paper and be reminded of how much you hate putting your feet in the stirrups. anyway, i always sit on the stool until the doctor comes in.

so there we were, travis in the chair and me on the stool, waiting.
and then travis made a comment that hits me in a sensitive spot, that he knows makes me upset, a comment i will not specify here because i am trying to be an adult and not write every private detail in a setting where travis can't defend himself. but he chose to make this comment, which i then reacted to, which led to a bickering, which led to me becoming extremely angry. while we are having this bickering, travis is playing a game on his phone, which irritates me more because he's not looking at my while we are arguing, which seems so much more disrespectful. and then this, "are you kidding me right now? have you not seen what this pregnancy has done to me?" with him answering, "it's done things to me, too." which then sends me into seeing-red-rage-mode. 

**side note, i am aware of how difficult everything has been on travis and i am probably even more aware than you ('you' meaning anyone who is thinking what a blanketly blank person i am for not appreciating him) probably even more aware than you of the sacrifices he has made. travis is an incredible person, but he is human. and our relationships isn't perfect. back to the story.**

so as i am already dealing with the extreme nausea, and also normal craziness of being pregnant, and then feeling so boiling hot angry i swear there was steam coming out of my ears, i handled the situation with maturity and grace. and kicked travis in the shin, but didn't get nearly enough satisfaction because i didn't kick my hardest and i knew i shouldn't be kicking travis as hard as i could. so i did the next best thing. grabbed my water bottle, the water bottle i resent so much because i have to take it everywhere and try to stay hydrated, and even then it's never enough to keep me from going in and getting stabbed with an IV, opened the bottle, and dumped water all over travis's crotch area. the mature thing to do.

(and yes, this is the same thing i did to my father in law last year when he made me really angry. you may remember that story.)

to his credit, other than jumping up from the shock of ice cold water being poured in his lap, he didn't react much more than that. i immediately wheeled the stool over to the window and began thinking murderous, terrible thoughts.

**another side note, the exam room they put us in was the same room we were in when i had that incredible freak out at our 14 week appointment, where i will admit i said to travis, "if you ever ask me to do this again, I WILL LEAVE YOU." among many other crazy things. maybe this exam room just has fightin' vibes.**

so i'm sitting there, looking out at the salt lake valley, thinking murderous, terrible thoughts, such as:

i can't believe he brought that up here and that he is being so selfish and he is a blanketly blank blank blank (and yes, i thought 'blank' instead of a swear word, because i'm still on my no swearing thing.) and i can't believe we are having a baby together what are we doing why did we ever think this was a good idea. why can't he just give me some credit, yes he has been through the wringer, but i'm the one who has had to be so sick he has no right to ever etc etc etc etc. 

and some of this: no one gets it, no one understands, i don't even recognize myself anymore, no one knows what to say to me, i don't know how to explain how terrified i am to do this again, i go from trying to feel thankful that i'm getting help to feeling incredibly angry that it took so long for anyone to get it and get me some help, why did this even have to happen and why couldn't i just have a "normal" pregnancy, and how will i ever get over how angry i feel about all of this, i can't even remember why i wanted a baby anymore, i'm a terrible person and i'll be a terrible mother. 

and then, dr. barton comes in, all cheery, "hello, well look who it is, how are you guys doing?"
and we plaster on smiles and say, "great, how are you?"

and then, because i have been experiencing burning, stabbing pain, and dryness, and lovely smelling discharge down in my nether regions, i tell dr. barton i want him to check me for a yeast infection. so i get to do the whole pants off, scoot down to the stirrups, have my vagina pried open, "and relax. and relax. okay, this is you relaxed? i'll get the smaller speculum." sweet travis, whose crotch has dried by now, who has to be pretty upset with me, stands up and takes my hand because he knows how much this hurts me.

then dr. barton says he is concerned about the state of my cervical mucus and wants to look at it under a microscope, which is both disgusting and interesting. he takes said mucus, swabs it across a plastic scientist looking equipment thing and leaves the room. comes back in and says i have a bacterial infection, probably from the antibiotic i took when i had that sinus infection a while back, and that i need to get on meds immediately because this kind of infection irritates the cervix and isn't good for the baby or me.

awesome, one more thing that is wrong with my body that i have absolutely no control over.

and then we get the medication, and the first line of the instructions says, WARNING, PROLONGED USE OF THIS DRUG HAS BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE CANCER IN RATS AND MICE.

also awesome, love the confidence that phrase inspires. oh and that the side effects include nausea and vomiting, my personal favorite. and you have to take this 3 times a day for a week. opening the pill bottle and out of the corner of my eye seeing my arm covered in bruises and angry red scabbed over poke holes from having nurses shove needles in my veins and just feeling completely and totally defeated.

yesterday was not a good day.

i will say, i'm really thankful i went to counseling last year, because one of the most important lessons i learned was that sometimes, life is awful. and it's good to acknowledge how awful it is, instead of feeling guilty for feeling upset and sad and angry. we live in a culture that says that if you aren't happy, something is wrong with you. you should feel guilty for not being happy. but life isn't like that. there's good and bad, happy and sad, healthy and sick. nothing is wrong with you if you don't feel happy sometimes. that is a part of the human existence. without the bad times, we wouldn't feel how great the good times are. learning that lesson has been very helpful during this pregnancy. when i'm having a meltdown, i'm able to tell myself, it's okay that you are feeling this way. acknowledge those feelings and allow them to be part of what is happening to you. 

truth? i feel very resentful and angry that i faced up to my fear of being pregnant, thinking it would be empowering to conquer this fear, only to end up having hyperemesis and feel even more afraid of getting pregnant.

i feel resentful and angry that this could likely happen again if i want to have another child. once i decided i wanted to start having children, i never only wanted to have one. i'm angry that to have another child, i might have to go through this again. i never thought family planning would have to include considering this. "yeah but maybe your next pregnancy wouldn't be like this." another phrase i've heard too many times. oh yeah? would you like to take a chance on nine months of your life being a hellish nightmare again? "but once you have that baby in your arms, it's all worth it." again, with the things people say to me that are incredibly insensitive. i haven't held remington in my arms yet. that golden moment i've been promised over and over, where i'll forget how hard it was and just melt in his eyes? i don't know how strong that is yet. i do know that i've never been afraid of anything as much as i am afraid of having to go through this again.

i feel resentful and angry at many family members and nurses who just didn't seem to understand how sick i was. i thought that once i didn't feel so sick anymore, i would only feel thankful and relieved. and i did feel very thankful and relieved once i started getting hydration and feeling better, but i also was alarmed at how angry i felt. i'm guessing this is probably normal, that many people who go through something like this have similar reactions, but i still feel guilty for feeling angry, that i should just be thankful to be getting help.

i don't even know what else to say.
but this week, i received an incredibly sweet and encouraging card in the mail from my friend ashley frederickson. and also a ridiculously cute dinosaur infant onesie from my friend carling. it's amazing how much things like that lift you up and i can't tell you two how much that meant.

sometimes life is just awful and you pour water in your husband's lap because you get so angry. and then tell him he should be thankful that all you did was pour water because that was the least damaging of all the options you were considering.

sometimes when you're having a terrible week, a family member makes a comment to you that goes, "wow, you've put on weight!" right as you are headed to the hospital for fluids. and then you sob uncontrollably because of how impossible life seems all the way to the hospital and the nurses all act really afraid of your red, swollen face.

hahahahahaha, this post is terrible! wo is me!
posting it anyway. i'm thankful for travis, my family, and for the cheery mail that came this week.
hey, at least we made it through january, right?

xo