birthing remington.

this is the story of how i birthed my son, remington. in case you don't know much about birth, it involves a lot of intimate details, like bodily fluids and pushing. oh and the vagina, which is a star player in this tale. so if you're uncomfortable with all of that, just know that you have been warned. 

three people live at my house now.

fifteen days ago when travis and i left our house, there were only two of us, and we didn't think that the next time we came home, there would be a third.

right now travis and i are sitting on the couch with our tiny son, who has a gorgeous head of hair and who makes adorable squeaky noises while he sleeps. 

is this real life? 

also. i gave birth. like, my body expelled a six pound baby from my insides to the outside world. 

it was incredible. 

this story starts a couple of saturdays ago. 

travis and i were heading to murray, as per usual, to eat dinner with my family. i had been having contractions on and off for several days, but at our doctor's appointment that week, dr. barton pronounced my cervix dilated to a "1.5. maybe." we figured these contractions were just really frequent and slightly painful braxton hicks. on our way out the door we joked, "should we pack a hospital bag, just in case? nah." so we headed out.  

once at my parents, i was still having contractions, 3-5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute, some of them strong enough it was hard to stand. my brothers were watching this really funny video and my contractions hurt enough that laughing was uncomfortable. my brothers all wanted to know if they would be meeting remington soon, but travis and i assured them that i was only 37 weeks and it would be a few more. 

after a few hours of this, we headed to travis's parents' house (the hospital where we delivered is located in murray and we live about twenty minutes away, hence all the sticking around at our parents' homes.) and took a walk around our old block, trying to peek through the windows of our first house. travis was timing my contractions on his phone. in our 45 minute walk, i had twenty something contractions, most of them intense enough to stop me in my tracks. after our walk, we sat at his parents' kitchen counter for another few hours, still timing the contractions. at around 9:30 pm, we decided to call our labor and delivery to see if we should go in. dr. barton advised us to come in immediately to have my cervix checked. 

our families were excited, but i kept telling myself that nothing would have progressed "down south" and that we would be sent home. 

this is where ish started getting real. (and switching to present tense.) 

travis and i pull into the hospital parking lot. he drops me off at the door. as always, i remember all the times we have been in to L&D: several times the week i was diagnosed with hyperemesis, then the bleeding scares. i wonder if this time might be the last time we walk though these doors while i'm pregnant. no way. i think. 

standing there, leaning over the front desk, having a contraction, telling the nurse my name and how far along i am. so surreal. we are taken to the triage room where a nurse will hook monitors to my belly and check my cervix for progress to see if i'm really in labor. travis helps me into the drab hospital gown and settles me into the bed. nurse ashley comes in and starts reviewing my history. hooked up to the monitor, we see that i am indeed having contractions, not just making a ploy for attention. 

ashley takes my blood pressure and it comes back high, a new development. should i be worried? i wonder. labs are ordered and blood is drawn. "it's probably because i'm nervous that you're going to check my cervix." i tell ashley. she continues to take my history and asks if i have a history of depression or anxiety. i tell her i have PTSD. she glances at me, but continues her questioning. 

then she checks my cervix, something every nurse who ever tries has a terrible time doing because i have a hard time relaxing. this time, i practice my newly acquired hypnobirthing skills, but ashley still has a rough time getting her hand up to my cervix. someone's hand is inside my body, mere centimeters from a baby that is going to come through my body, i think. ashley classifies my cervix as a "three" and calls me "80 percent effaced." 

"do you mind if i ask you what your PTSD is from?" ashley asks. 

looking her square in the eyes, i answer, "sexual assault." and thank you counseling, for helping me to be able to answer a question like that at a time like this. 

**side note: i have a sneaking suspicion that ashley has had her own experience with sexual assault, because after telling her this, she gave me the empathy only a person who understands can give. i could be completely off base, but she worked with me the entire night for every cervix check to make sure i was comfortable and in control of what was happening, something most nurses and doctors don't take the time to do. 

so back to the story, sorry, everything is pretty hazy here because it was so late at night. my labs come back and indicate that i am preeclamptic. my liver and kidneys are unhappy. great, one more thing wrong with my body during this pregnancy, love it. the on call doc wants to keep us in triage for a little while longer to see if my labs change. even though my contractions are legit and regular, my cervix hasn't dilated enough to call this "active labor" so if my labs seem any better, they will let us go home, but ashley assures me if i don't deliver tomorrow, it will only be a few days with the way my contractions are going.

we spent most of the night in the triage room, with ashley coming in to check me every hour or so. travis dozing on a very stiff chair, me watching some show called, "my cat from hell" or something. finally around 2 am, due to worsening labs, the doc gave permission for us to be admitted for the night and moved to an actual delivery room. "i'll be shocked if you aren't induced and delivering today." ashley assured us.

wait. wait. today?
but i'm not ready.
i left a dirty dish in the kitchen sink.
i never cleaned out that hall closet.
i really wanted to have a spotless house to come home to.

these are my first thoughts.

and then:

hey, i'm 37 weeks. i get to shave off almost three whole weeks of this pregnancy.
we are going to meet remington!
this is finally going to be over. 

at some point, my parents and brother, reed, come to assist travis in giving me a priesthood blessing. it is a beautiful blessing, full of comfort that my body and remington will be healthy, talk of God being proud of me, and then travis blesses me that i will be able to look back on his birth as an experience i will cherish forever.

after the blessing, we move to the other room and then my parents drive out to our house, pack that hospital bag, and bring it to us. finally around 3 am, we doze off.

sleep doesn't last long.

a bright light shines in my face and i'm instantly confused about where i am. then i see nurse ashley with the on call doctor and remember, holy batman, i'm having a baby. 

the doctor, who is wearing an obscene amount of either cologne or aftershave, and who is older and really just resembles a dinosaur, starts talking at me.

"i don't like the look of your labs. if we send you home, you are just going to get sicker. so i'm going to break your water right now and then we are going to start you on pitocin to augment your labor."

and before i can do more than weakly say, "okay?" doctor dinosaur is shoving his hand into my cervix. ashley tries to explain to him how if he goes slowly, i'll be able to relax, and i tell him, "wait just give me a second and i can relax for you." but he is already holding what looks like a very long crochet hook and is trying to break my water with it.

to say i was a little freaked out would be like calling the pacific ocean a small puddle.

it all happens so quickly. a confused travis is waking up to a very fragrant dinosaur doctor all up in his wife's business with his tiny t-rex arms.
okay fine, he had normal sized arms.

dino-doc leaves the room, saying he's not sure he even was able to break my water because i couldn't relax enough to let him in there, and ashley is all apologies.
"i'm so sorry! i tried to explain to him to go slow! i would have just done it, but he didn't give me a choice."

i'm still in shock. but when i stand up to go pee, a huge gush of warm water pools around my feet.
yeah, i think he hooked it with that long sharp instrument.
please bless that dr. barton will be able to come in today, because if that guy is doing the delivery, he's going to drop remington with his tiny, t-rex arms, and i'm going to strangle him and go to prison for killing the last of the dinosaurs.

after this, ashley brings in the nurse for the day shift, elaine, and introduces her to me. she hugs me and wishes us well with the delivery.

i ask the new nurse if i can eat breakfast, because i'm dying of starvation and she orders me a tray.
travis and i are finally left alone and we look at each other.
okay. this is it.
and then dino doc comes in and further endears himself to me by saying he cancelled my breakfast. and that if it was all right with me, they were going to start the pitocin in the next hour to get things going.

basically my birth plan was quickly being tossed out the window.

earlier in the week, i had spent several hours researching and writing a birth plan. the plan included me not wearing a hospital gown, but something comfy i would bring in myself, being able to try to labor without pain medications, instead using walking, relaxation techniques, a bath, a birthing ball, etc, and not having labor induced. also i didn't want to be asked my level of pain, i wanted to hydrate by drinking water and not have to be hooked to an iv. i wanted only intermittent fetal monitoring if everything looked good. so yeah, pretty much the birth plan was out the door. but the most important thing about that birth plan was that all that researching, (plus how often i had to deal with nurses and doctors during this whole deal) taught me that i was the one in control of how things were going. that even though everything was going completely not according to plan, i was still the boss.

plus, come on, nothing, absolutely nothing, went how i wanted it to go during my pregnancy.
(besides only gaining around 25 pounds, but i wanted to take care of that by working out, not starving. whatever, i'll take what i can get.)

so once they tell me they're going to have to induce labor, keep me hooked up to monitors, blood pressure cuff, and an iv that had already been placed, i knew i wanted the epidural. the idea of being strapped to the bed, unable to move or change positions, and being in the worst pain of my life, not appealing.

nurse elaine advises me to get the epidural before i am in so much pain that i can't hold still, as holding still seems to be a key component in not sustaining nerve damage while having a large needle jabbed into your spinal area. i appreciate this advice.

around 10:30 am, they start me on pitocin.
and then we wait.

here we are, looking a bit haggard from the long sleepless night. 

an hour after starting the pitocin, the pain starts. the contractions, previously classified as uncomfortable, now feel like severe period cramps. after fifteen more minutes, they feel more like the pain i experienced when having my IUD placed. i'm ready for the epi juice.

the anesthesiologist comes in, pushing his cart covered in shiny objects and tools that i don't eye too closely. i don't want to know how long that needle is until after it's all done. this is the part of the day i am most afraid of. travis gets in my face and reassures me that everything is going to be good.

he is right.

the anesthesiologist instructs me to curl into a ball with my back away from him. i realize i'm not sure if my bare backside is showing and how little it matters anymore. modesty continues to go out the window. travis stays by my face and i actually use the hypnobirthing i have practiced to breathe and stay calm. oh the irony. i ask the anesthesiologist to tell me exactly what he is doing and why, and i am shocked at how painless the whole procedure is. just a light stinging sensation when he numbs my back for the big needle and catheter and then some pressure. then it's all over.

travis asks him how many of these he has done. "16,000." he answers, a hint of pride in his voice. then he looks at me. "and you asked me more questions than anyone else ever has."

travis and i smile at each other, and then thank him as he leaves the room.

nurse elaine tells me she will be back in a while to place my catheter, once the numbness has set in.
we turn on the NBA finals, crank up my music.
and we wait.

i couldn't have asked for a better partner to help me through the day. travis was positive, kept me laughing, said and did all the right things, and made me feel like a champion. how i love him.

probably the most uncomfortable part of the entire experience was how hungry i was all day, as i hadn't eaten anything since the night before. travis kept bringing me ice chips to munch, and one thing that kept me going was knowing how insanely delicious dinner was going to taste that night. oh and the whole, meeting our son, thing.


so about an hour after the epidural, nurse elaine comes in with the catheter to drain my bladder. i am worried, because i can still feel all my "parts" and after the pain of that catheter i had at week 29, i am not about to let her in until i'm good and numb. that's the whole point of the epi juice, right?

elaine gets all up in my lady business and prepares to place the catheter. i tell her i'm worried that it's going to hurt because i can feel her holding my "parts" open.
"well, some people can feel the catheter going in." she says. "but i'll be quick and it will all be over."
i have played this song and dance far too many times during this pregnancy, just going along with whatever the medical authority says. not happening today.
"i don't want you to put that in until i'm more numb." i say, looking her square in the eyes.
"but i have to drain your bladder." she responds. "we have been pumping you with fluids all morning."
"bring me a bedpan or something." i tell her. "i can go on my own. if you can get me into the bathroom, i can go in the toilet; my legs aren't even that numb yet."
she looks skeptical. "sorry, but no one can control their bladder like that after having the epidural. i know it feels like you could, but you can't. i promise."
i'm getting annoyed at this point.
"i promise you i can go on my own." i repeat.
she sighs. "okay. show me."

and i start peeing. as elaine is holding me open, the pee squirts up in a perfect fountain, splashing the bed and her arms.

"you're peeing on me." she says in disbelief. "you are peeing. on me."
"i told you!" i say. "do you want me to stop?"
"no. you've already soaked everything. you might as well finish."

travis is doubled over laughing. i am feeling pretty proud of myself.
this pregnancy might have tried to kill me, and now labor is going completely opposite what i wanted, but dang it, i'm still the boss of my own body.

an hour later when i'm numbed up, she comes back and places the catheter. no pain.

after this excitement, i remember how exhausted i am. i send travis to get lunch. he doesn't want to leave me alone, so he calls my parents to come sit with me while he heads to the cafeteria. my parents come in and we laugh about my peeing escapade. elaine comes in to check my cervix. my dad leaves the room, as i'm still not to the point where i am fine with my father seeing my hoo-haw.

"okay, i'd call you a four!" she says excitedly. then while her hand is still in my cervix. thank goodness for the epidural making it not a big deal that someone's hand is in my cervix. "oh wait, now you're a five. okay, five and a half. okay, i'm calling you a six. wow, things are really progressing here. i'll be shocked if you don't deliver by the time my shift is over tonight."

travis comes back from lunch and we tell him the news. i can't believe how excited i am.
my parents leave and travis and i settle down for a few more hours of waiting.

some time later, (i'm having trouble keeping track of time, partly because of how insane this day is and partly because of how tired i am.) but some time later, maybe an hour and a half, a man comes in to prepare the area for when remington gets here and the tests they will do to make sure everything is healthy. he congratulates us and we make small talk.

then i feel something new. the only way i know how to describe it is that i need to have a bowl movement, like some intense pressure in my nether regions.
"travis. i'm feeling like... like i should push. how would i know what that feels like? i was only a six last time they checked me."

***side note about the epidural: i was shocked at how much feeling i still had in my lower half. i could feel my contractions, i could feel the urges to push, just no pain. i could wiggle my toes the entire time and with help, move my legs. pleasantly surprised. 


"so maybe we should call the nurse?" i say uncertainly. travis pushes the call button and the man who is in the room setting things up says, "hey, you can't have a baby while i'm in here!" and he high tails it out of there. we laugh.

seriously, this is giving birth? making jokes with travis all day and laughing? 

nurse elaine comes in and i tell her about the feelings of needing to push.
"and i kind of feel like i may have... pooped."

again, she doesn't believe me. "no, you probably just feel like you did."
she checks me. yes. i pooped. all dignity is gone. except that i do not care at all. she cleans me up.
and yes. i'm dilated to a 9. a 9!

i'm a little freaked out by how close that is to pushing time, so i start pushing my epidural button. come on juice, get in my body!

elaine says she is going to go call dr. barton to see if he will be coming in to do the delivery.
when she comes back, she reports that he said he would leave his family party and be there soon.
elaine checks me again. "you're at a ten!" she says. "okay, i'm staying with you until this is over!"

****another side note: elaine had only one other patient that day, a woman who was basically progressing the exact same as me, having a baby boy, being induced, we had our epidurals about the same time, etc. the whole day we had been competing with her to have our baby first, and elaine had told us that she would stay with whichever one of us got to a ten first. i do love a good win. uhhh victory! 

elaine leaves the room and travis and i look at each other.
"this is it! probably only a few more hours!"
i'm still pushing that epidural button, a little aggressively. travis notices this and suggests that we say a prayer together. he offers it and again, blesses me that i'll be able to cherish today's experience forever. i'm feeling much calmer now. what would i do without this man?

elaine comes back in, checks me. she suggests we try a few pushes to see where we're at.
"are you uncomfortable with me looking at your vagina while you push?" she asks. "some people get uncomfortable."

as always in situations i'm nervous with, i have to make things awkward.
"well i've been told that i have a very nice looking vagina." i say. travis starts laughing. "i mean, it's been a while since i've been able to groom down there, but travis tells me it's pretty gorgeous."
elaine is laughing. we are all laughing.
okay, push time.
she teaches me how to push, take in a deep breath, push as hard as i can for ten seconds, and then exhale. repeat this three times. after two sets of these pushes, she stops me. "okay, i think we should wait for dr. barton. i can see his head! he has a lot of dark hair!"

again, is this real life?

remington still has a ways to descend, so elaine tells me as long as i'm comfortable waiting, we should wait for dr. barton and let remy come down on his own.

some time later, dr. barton comes in the room, saying hello, calm as a cucumber, the reason i chose him in the first place. he sits down between my propped up legs and takes a look at things.

"how's it going?" i ask. meaning "how's it going with the whole 'baby coming through my vagina' thing."

"dr. barton glances at me. "oh i'm fine." he starts.
"no, i say. "i don't really care how you are in this moment. i'm talking about myself."
more laughing.

dr. barton coaches my pushing, with travis and elaine each holding a leg. i tell dr. barton i would rather tear than have an episiotomy and that i want travis to cut the cord only after it has stopped pulsing. he says that will be fine.

i pray that the epidural has numbed me enough to get through all this pushing and then start, clenching my eyes shut and pushing with muscles i never knew i had. my team cheers me on. i can't believe how big of a rush this is, and that travis is staring at my vagina while this is happening and that i'm good with it all. i'm offered a mirror to see the action, but i'm not that comfortable with the situation and i turn it down.

"babe! i can see his head!" travis exclaims. "you're doing great! you're so close!" my team keeps cheering me on. travis later tells me that dr. barton used loads of lubricant and massaged my parts to keep me from tearing too badly.

four pushes later, everyone gets really excited.
"one more big one." dr. barton says, still calm as always. "here comes the head."

the most insane feeling of my life, the feeling of this huge weight coming through my body, and then lifted out.
then a baby being held up over my face. he is purplish and covered in white vernix and my blood.
they put him on my chest and i begin to cry.

i look in his eyes. this tiny human who just came out of me.
he is the only person who was there for all of it, the vomiting, the late night driving home to rush inside and puke. all the times i sang myself to sleep. feeling completely alone and isolated, except that he was there. all those trips to infusion to be stuck and filled with the fluids i couldn't keep up on. the only person who was with me the entire time. this tiny person who changed my life forever, fixed parts of me i thought were unfixable.
my son.

we all have moments in our lives that change us forever. there is a before and then an after. you aren't the same. i have had several of those moments in my life, like the first time i saw the ocean in hawaii, the time i watched one of my dear friends die from cancer. this moment, the moment my son and i first met, nothing can compare.

he had a little grunt that dr. barton was worried about, so the NICU team came in to check him out. 

everything was fine, and then he was whisked right back to me. 

we did it.

no words for this love.

how can words describe the experience? nothing could have prepared me. that golden moment, the moment i had been promised over and over, that i would forget everything and be enveloped in golden light?

it was so much better than the description.
i certainly didn't forget everything, and i don't think i ever will, but seeing remington's face, nothing could have been a better finish line.

and then of course, there was the comment dr. barton made.

while they were weighing and measuring him, i ask, "hey, how long is he?" no answer. "hey, hello, how long is he?"

dr. barton, who is stitching up my 2nd degree laceration, smiles at me.
"i'd say about an inch."

i am confused, until i realized he is making a penis joke. everything seems so surreal and perfect and beautiful.

travis leans over me and our new son, and tells me i did an amazing job and that he is so proud of me.
nothing could have ever topped that moment.

and that's basically the story.
two weeks ago right now i was not the same person.
remington has only continued to make our lives better and i can't express how thankful i am for him and for travis. i had no idea love could be so big and all consuming.

i did it. i survived hyperemesis. i gave birth to a perfect six pound baby boy.
thank you to my parents, and our families and friends for the support and love.
thank you travis, for keeping me going, for being the father to our son, for loving me through everything, for taking these beautiful pictures that i'll cherish forever, for showing me what real love is like.

thank you remington, for completely changing my life for the better.

xo.

waiting.

waiting.
that is how i feel lately.
yesterday marked 37 weeks.
full term. this means i have a fully developed human baby sitting in my body, also waiting.
for what, i'm not sure.
i wonder if he is the one who gets to choose when to come.

everyone told me the last month would be the hardest. that i would be uncomfortable, huge, impatient, and desperate for him to come out.

yeah, i'm actually doing okay in that department. this is the most comfortable i have been during this whole pregnancy.
even with seven trips to the bathroom every night.
even though every time i stand up, i feel like my arms will rip off from supporting the enormous belly weight.
even with the sharp pelvic pain of him burrowing deeper into my crotch.
i can do this for three more weeks, easy.

the house becomes cleaner and more organized each day. yesterday my mom and i started getting the nursery ready, arranging adorable white furniture, soft blankets, and miniature clothes. later today i'm going to start on the mobile and tomorrow my grandma is helping us sew a bunting to match the crib bedding.

the rest of the house is also getting the full treatment. i have several chandeliers, a shelf, and some pictures to hang in the dining room. if remy takes three more weeks to get here, my house is finally going to be decorated.

waiting, waiting.

as this whole ordeal comes to an end, i have been looking back and reflecting on the beginning. not the beginning of pregnancy, but before that, the reasons travis and i decided it was time to add a third member to our little family.

you may remember how reluctant i was to get pregnant. i didn't even know for sure if i ever would. part of me thinks i had a small premonition of how difficult it would be, and that i kind of knew i needed to be finished with school and other things first. travis and i both agreed that it's a good thing we didn't know how awful this would all be, or else we wouldn't have been brave enough to do it.

as i have said before, just before getting married and then afterwards, i felt a great deal of pressure to get pregnant. it seemed every time we went to a family dinner at travis's parents or grandparents', all i heard was, "so when are you guys going to get started on that baby?" one family member even told me i was being selfish with my body by not getting pregnant right away. i was so confused. why didn't my goals to finish my degree seem as important as getting knocked up? what was the rush and why was it everyone's business? from then on, even harmless teasing left me angry and defensive.

any time travis held a baby, i felt terrified and angry. and jealous. i started feeling that if we did have a baby, i would always come second with travis. you may remember that our first year of marriage was kind of a train wreck, that we were both insecure and anxious. this pressure i felt to get pregnant only added to the strain. it wasn't that travis was pressuring me; we both knew we weren't in a place to start adding kids to the mix, but travis was worried about all my claims to never want to have a baby, and i was terrified that he would love that baby more than me. thank goodness for counseling and learning that my insecurity stemmed from PTSD and could be managed.

another thing, a big thing, that started changing the way i felt about having a baby was the infancy class i took for my psych degree. and here's the huge nerd coming out in me. it was funny, because i was signed up for an adult lifespan class, a class i was looking forward to, but then the enrollment was too low, so the class was cancelled at the last minute and i had to scramble to find another class. the only class left, was, you guessed it, an infancy development class. i was devastated. imagine my shock to find that it was one of my favorite classes. turned out learning about babies' brains was fascinating. i started paying more attention to the babies travis's little sister nannied, watching for the things i was learning in my class. i started thinking, it might be cool to have one of those little things around all the time to observe and learn from. i could even do some of the experiments i was learning about in class! yeah, my desire to have a baby all began with the excitement of having a subject on whom to observe and test theories. what can i say, i love to learn.

when i started feeling this way, i decided maybe travis should know. i will never forget that day. we were doing yard work together on a hot august afternoon. i was spreading mulch around our flowerbeds and travis was in the back of his truck shoveling the earthy smelling mixture out to me.

"so travis." i started. "i have been thinking."
"okay." he said, nervously, because usually conversations starting this way lead to me asking him to do some awful chore.
"yeah, i think we should have a baby."
he put the shovel down, mouth gaping open. i laughed uncontrollably, which i'm sure only added to travis's shock and suspicion that his wife had been switched out by body snatchers.
"well, not right now. not until i graduate and work for a bit. so probably in a year from now."
travis was still not speaking. it took another half hour to convince him i was serious.

so that was the tentative plan. we spoke of it on and off, mostly off, but i kind of always had this internal countdown ticking in my head.

then in april following that august, we attended a temple marriage for one of my cousins.
i know that the marriage was all about the eternal union of two people, having nothing really to do with travis and me, but the only message i really heard in that room was that someone was waiting to join our family. that feeling was one of the strongest and most direct i've ever felt.
the rest of the day, travis and i pointedly avoided talking about it. we went to the mall to kill time before my cousin's reception, and finally i asked.
"so travis. nice ceremony in the temple today, huh?"
he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "yeah, very nice."
"lots of emotion in that room." i said. "you feel anything in particular?"
"what? no. nothing really." he said, smiling.
"yeah, me neither." i agreed.

and we both knew we were still on for august.

then i graduated from college and started that job as an adolescent substance abuse counselor. one of the hardest jobs i've ever worked. i started to feel that if i could wrangle 16 kids with serious addictions, emotional issues, and family problems, having just one of my own, who i was in charge of teaching how to be a good person, wouldn't be so difficult after all.

oh and there was also a conversation i had with my parents, where i cried to them about how i didn't want to have a baby, that it was too scary and unknown, and did i even have to? my dad told me that there's nothing quite like watching his daughter play the guitar and sing for him. my mom told me she thought i would be a wonderful, mother with my own ways of doing things. their confidence in me really made all the difference. people have always told me that travis will make such a great father, and they are right, but i kind of always felt i was too much of a mess to be a mother to anyone.

so last august rolled around and i found myself making an appointment to have my IUD removed.
a week later i was pregnant.
and the rest was misery, oh i mean history.
just a little joke for you there.

this journey has already taught me all kinds of things i didn't know i didn't know, and it's only the beginning.
i doubt i'm ready for any of it.

but at least the house is clean, we have a car seat, the nursery is getting there, and travis and i are more solid than ever before.
how much more ready can you be, right?

also, my thighs are getting pretty huge.

three more weeks of waiting.
who knows, maybe less?

xo

36: contractions, cute fireman, and coming to terms with pushing a baby through a vagina.

want to know what's a little mind blowing? 

being 36 weeks pregnant. 

it's like, um is this really my life? is it possible to be larger than i am right now? will i ever be able to walk up a flight of stairs without running out of breath again?  there really is a baby, like a human baby, in there, huh? has this seriously been going on for THIRTY SIX WEEKS OF MY LIFE? 

weird stuff, i'm telling ya. 

so far week 36 has been pretty fantastic. 

yesterday, as usual, i was at my parents' house around dinnertime. my dad whipped up this delicious chicken stir fry with carrots and green beans and ginger, YUMMO, and not only was i able to eat all of it, two helpings, i stayed in the kitchen while he cooked it, instead of running waddling for cover in the basement to get away from the nausea making smells. still taking the zofran and pepcid before breakfast and dinner, but every week i am less and less nauseous. you kind of forget what life is like without that constant companion. let me tell you, NAUSEA-FREE LIFE IS GRAND. 

went two whole weeks without getting hydration. (!) 

had several beautiful baby showers, pictures to come someday, and had a good time organizing remy's room. can't wait to get his nursery all set up and beautiful. 

geez remy, spoiled much? 

my friend lilian had her baby, a gorgeous baby boy with tons of dark hair.

i thought travis was going to steal him when we visited lilian and derrick at the hospital. man, that guy looks cute holding a baby.

speaking of travis, check out the sexy business of him in turnout gear. (he's on the left.) firemen are some strange creatures. before i knew travis, i figured fire fighters were all about fire prevention. (which, officially, they are, of course.) but the real truth is that for a fire fighter, nothing could be more like shooting heroin than running into a burning building, smashing down windows and walls, and hosing out flames that are hot enough to melt your gloves, which is what happened to travis in this fire.

i have lost track of how many times i've heard this.
"yeah we got paged out on a fire, but the freakin' home owner had already put it out by the time we got there!" like, these guys are genuinely upset that the fire didn't spread and damage anything.
i love fire fighters.

travis was pretty proud of the amount of soot and ash accumulated from the fire.


so all around, so far it's been a great week. but the best part for me, was a pretty neat discovery.

i am no longer afraid of giving birth.
this is huge for me.

let me explain how this happened.

for one thing, i have been educating myself. for me, this has always been the best cure for fear, education. you may remember how much i love being a student? so i had a good talk with myself and decided i was going to approach labor as if i were studying for a test, probably the most important test i've ever taken. so how did i prepare myself for any other test? get that info into my brain!

i read meghan's book, mind over labor, which started helping me to think about birth in a different way, that i could be in control of the experience, that i have options. i'm still struggling with the notion that my body is perfectly designed to grow and deliver a baby, because the growing part was such a battle. obviously, my body didn't like being pregnant. but the idea that my uterus, cervix, and vagina will work in harmony to expel a baby (seriously!?) is less and less freaky and more and more believable.

after that book, i read liana's copy of hynobirthing, the mongan method. this book had a very interesting history of birth and why we think about birth the way we do. and then the part i thought sounded crazy until i read the book: how to train yourself to go into self hypnosis and deep relaxation to control pain and allow your body to work correctly during labor. go {here} for a more in depth explanation. pretty fascinating stuff.

the book came with several CDs to help you practice breathing and relaxation exercises. i was skeptical, but they work. so well that sometimes i fall asleep while i practice them, such a deep sleep i don't realize i'm asleep until i wake up three hours later. i don't know how the relaxation will go when i'm in extreme pain, but i'm excited to try it out.

travis and i also watched the documentary, the business of being born. be prepared to see loads of boobs if you watch this. travis was a little traumatized, i think. i was delighted to discover that watching women give birth didn't send me into fits of tears, though. the difference was that these women were in different positions than the ones i had previously seen. i have a lot of negative feelings about spreading my legs, feet in the stirrups, and having doctors poking around down there, completely out of my control. watching women giving birth sitting up or in a tub, not with their parts totally exposed, wasn't scary at all.

and then i have also been looking into epidurals, how they work, what the risks are, etc. getting my birth plan all set. it's really hard to know what you will want in a situation you have never been in, with a pain level you have only heard explained to you. i don't want to commit to going unmedicated, because maybe in those moments, i'll want the medication. i do want to arm myself with preparation and knowledge so that if i feel able to go without the meds, i'll be ready.

most importantly, i no longer want an elective c-section. (!)

okay, that was long. now for the experience this week that led to the cool discovery of not being afraid of giving birth.

a few days ago travis and i were at ikea, buying a changing table and i started having contractions. i've been having the painless, practice braxton hicks contractions for the past few weeks. these contractions were not those. obviously, the pain level was far from what labor will be like, but these ones hurt. enough that i had to stop walking, bend over, and hold onto whatever was in closest grabbing reach. we started timing them. three to four minutes apart, lasting a minute and a half. i ended up finding a chair, because i couldn't keep up with travis. he found the changing table, bought it, and we left. the contractions lasted two hours, and then slowed down.

then later that night, my mom and i were out shopping at walmart and they started coming again, this time with even more intensity. three to four minutes apart, lasting a minute and a half. painful enough that walking was hard work. this lasted another hour, and then they slowed down again, but during the night, they were painful enough i woke up a few times. by morning, they were mostly gone.

the thing that was so surprising, was how exciting it was! i didn't feel any fear, just pure excitement that maybe this was it! maybe remington was making his appearance and we were going to meet him! i welcomed the pain, (again, i know this pain is nothing compared to what will come.) because the pain meant these contractions might be the real thing. i loved seeing the looks on travis and my mom's faces, looks of such excitement. i am so ready to give birth! seriously, who the H am i? never thought i would say that.

well that's pretty much it.
now to get back to the ridiculous amount of obsessive cleaning and organizing going on. all i want to do is clean everything in sight. think i'll go tackle the hall closet next.

worrying about things is way scarier than dealing with them.
so ready to face and conquer this lifetime worry of mine, giving birth.

xo

date night.

what it looks like when you try to take a cute picture of a rare date night with a camera phone and low lighting when you are 35 weeks pregnant and hating the way you look and your husband thinks it's funny that you are so picky plus you have been severely constipated for seven months and while taking these pictures feel like you are about to explode and you wish you just would.

travis did shave his mustache though.


xo

talking to strangers.

last night i was finally able to do something i have been waiting to do this whole pregnancy.

since most of this experience has been spent laying on the couch, i haven't had many of those funny and/or awkward experiences with strangers many pregos report having. it took until i was in the third trimester for a stranger to even notice i was pregnant, or at least pregnant enough to say something to my face about. dangerous waters, asking a woman if she is expecting.

so last night, my brother and his cute girlfriend and i are standing in line at kohl's. the cashier looks at me and says, "hey, congratulations!"
i focus on keeping every muscle in my face still. "on what?"
looking down at my obvious belly, he seems confused, but keeps wading in deeper. "on... on the baby?"
"baby? what are you talking about?" i ask in an offended voice.
then he apologizes up and down and appears mortified until the three of us burst into laughter and reassure him that yes, i'm very much pregnant and that i have been dying to embarrass someone like this.

so then the cashier starts doing that thing everyone does when they talk to a pregnant woman, talking all about their own experiences with pregnancy. unfortunately, this man makes a big mistake and says this. "i totally get it, my wife and i have five kids of our own."
eyebrows raising. "well, no, actually you don't get it. your wife gets it, but sorry pal, you don't get to say that to me."
a woman standing in line behind me starts nodding her head in agreement.
the cashier doesn't know how to stop himself though.
"well us men have to go through quite a bit ourselves you know, putting up with-"
i cut him off mid sentence. "no. you do not get to say that. whatever you went through is not what your wife went through, sorry."
several other women have joined the conversation at this point, all agreeing. "she's right! men don't get it!"
poor cashier bit off too much. he admits defeat.

then he says the other thing everyone tends to say to pregnant women.
"you better get as much sleep as you can, because when that baby comes, you will never sleep again." he looks at reed, points his finger and says, "you too buddy, say goodbye to your sleep." (probably the 3rd time my younger brother has been mistaken for the father of my child.)
reed smiles at him while taking his receipt and says, "why would i lose sleep? i'm her brother."
the cashier quickly looks back to me and i tell him, "yeah, we have no idea who the father is."

and the three of us howl with laughter and walk outside.

33-35: cribs, cake, and caterpillar lips.

what's up world!?
we made it to april!
grass is turning green, tulips and daffodils are popping up, and fuzzy little buds are sprouting on tree branches!
how excited are we???

pretty excited at my house anyway.

check out what went down over here last week:

proud father.
travis is the cutest.
when we were picking out the crib, he was so into it. i had another one all picked out and he was like, wait, did we see this one? i like the shape of it better. and then he was like, ohhhh look at this cute jungle themed bedding! it's so fun!
 wasn't expecting him to be so into the details. LOVE IT.

i kind of hate most crib bedding, but finally stumbled onto some i love. we are ordering this today! finally found a compromise between trav's jungle animals and my quest for vintage christopher robin-esque ideas.
aaaaand i have become that person who posts pictures of crib bedding going AHH AHH OH OH SO ADORABLE! mmmmkay.

also, i was quite shocked to discover how much some people will pay for crib bedding. go {here} if you want to be shocked.
yeah, we haven't spent that much on all our home furnishings combined.
props to you if you are spending that kind of dinero on your baby though.


anyway.

getting bigger and bigger in the belly region. the past few weeks are kind of a blur, mostly because i have cotton balls where my brain used to be.

don't believe me? check out this conversation travis and i had the other day.

travis: if remy comes out with red hair, i'm going to be suspicious.
collette: well my grandma has red hair, and my aunt, and one cousin, so it could happen.

travis: yeah, or you are having ______ (a redheaded guy he works with who he thinks i think is smokin' hot, which i totally don't.) _____'s baby!
collette: well no, maybe you cheated on me with a redheaded woman!
travis: ... uh collette?

yeah, cottonballs for brains.
(and travis was just kidding, he doesn't accuse me of actually cheating on him with redheads. or anyone else.)
okay, here's the latest succession of belly shots.

it seems the bigger the belly gets, the better i feel. less nausea, more ability to eat normally. even my super smeller nose is becoming less sensitive. like, usually before bed, i have to change into different garments because the ones i wore all day smell like whatever food i ate and make me sick. i smelled my garment top the other night, and it smelled how clean clothes are supposed to smell, like laundry, even though i had been around the smell of food cooking at my parents. cool moment. 

(also, these garments i'm talking about have to do with my LDS-ness and if you have questions about that, email me.) 

but yeah, i haven't even gone in for infusion for over a week! the last month of pregnancy might shape up to be pretty fantastic.

don't get me wrong, i'm loving all the new symptoms: being so front-heavy you can't get up without groaning, peeing 7 or 8 times a night, (that might have something to do with the entire bottle of water i drink throughout the night though. so thirsty these days!)  tons of contractions, mostly painless, and that infamous  3rd trimester waddle. oh and my crotch being on fire. crazy sharp pain all up in the crotch area, supposedly from remy moving down, down, down. i tell you, half the time i walk anywhere anymore, i'm bent over, legs skeee-wampas crossed, moaning, "ohhhh the pain! ohhh!"
but seriously, i'll take it, gladly. just overwhelmingly thankful to not be feeling sick all the time.

another cool thing, it has finally sunk in that we are having a baby, not that i'm dying of some terrible illness.
and we are all kinds of excited about that.
amazing that you can get to know this little life inside you, without even seeing his face.

and because this post hasn't been scattered enough, here are some pictures from easter, which was fantastic. spent time with both our families, and then while travis worked a night shift at tosh, my family and friend roxanne spent the evening playing music and eating strawberry shortcake. good day.

love seeing my three brothers all together again. it never gets old.

headed out for a post-easter feast walk. 

aaaand some from yesterday. waddling down the stairs at my parents' house with a plate full of cake (that i was taking to the fire department, haven't completely given up on life yet.) felt like a huge stereotype and had to document.

visiting my handsome baby daddy.

you may have noticed a new growth on trav's face.
he decided to participate in mustache march this year. if you know me well, you know that i view mustaches as abominations from the fiery pits of deepest hell. travis has never grown his out before, mostly because of my strict, no relations policy. but this year, the whole pelvic rest thing took the power out of my policy, so there is a fuzzy caterpillar on his upper lip. i also kind of think it was travis's way of taking control over just one thing that has happened in the past eight months. so go ahead pal, grow that lip hair!

i did tell him that remington will not be meeting a father who looks like an out of work adult film star, so he best clear that lip off in the next few weeks.

oh life. lovin' it.

xo

where sunflowers grow: part II

so last summer, about a month before i got pregnant, back when i was blissfully ignorant of how miserable a person can be, i wrote {this post} about finding the good in the bad, how sometimes sunflowers grow in patches of weeds. during some of the worst times during this pregnancy, i have tried really, really hard to think about where sunflowers grow. because i have to believe this terrible trial happened for a reason and that some good came out of it. especially after days like yesterday.

yesterday was not a good day.

i guess this really starts last week, when i had a scary panic attack. nausea-wise, it was a rough day. compared to a few months ago, it wasn't bad at all, but i was still feeling pretty yucky. i went pee in the upstairs bathroom at my parents' and thought i might throw up. i have thrown up so many times in that toilet, and for some reason, it just freaked me out that night. right after going pee, travis and i got in our car to drive home. he asked me how i was doing and i said, "oh man, i thought i was going to puke in there."

and then i started to cry.
then the whole bit, hyperventilating, heart pounding, legs going numb, feeling dizzy, etc. the usual song and dance of my panic attacks.

travis, who was confused at first about how his wife had gone from completely calm to this person who couldn't breathe, pulled the car over and hugged me while i sobbed. helped me slow my breathing down and get everything under control again.

"you're okay collette. you aren't throwing up anymore. you aren't going to throw up." he kept telling me. as i sit here and type this, i'm starting to cry because of how real that fear is, that i'm going to go back to being that person who is trapped in a body that won't keep food down, a body that doesn't work right, no matter what you try, no matter what meds you take. those months were unbelievably isolating and terrifying.

then a few days later.
travis and i were sitting on our couch, just hanging out, and we made a couple of jokes about our non-existent sex life.
then we went upstairs to get dressed to leave, and i just stood there in the closet, sobbing my eyes out.
again, travis was confused about his seemingly calm wife turning into a blubbering mess in a matter of minutes.

i was just filled with this hot rage that our lives have been so altered by hyperemesis and that neither of us had any control over any of it.

so then yesterday.

i had a dentist appointment for a tooth i had chipped on sunday. after eating dinner, i realized there was a jagged hole in one of my molars. uhgggg, a trip to the dentist, something i have been dreading, because i had a terrible time taking care of my teeth during the vomiting. just putting the toothbrush in my mouth was enough to send me to the toilet. i remember nights, trying to get myself to bed after forcing down that bowl of cereal, and then brushing my teeth. feeling the cereal coming back up, starting to sweat and turn green and travis saying, "oh no, you're so close to going to sleep, come on, you can do it!" and then throwing up the cereal and having to go back downstairs and try to eat again. so i wasn't able to take very good care of my teeth and i knew i'd be paying the price eventually.

got to the dentist. did the whole, "how's the pregnancy going?" "oh it's been pretty hard, i threw up a lot." trying not to be overly dramatic about it, and then wishing i could just scream to him that it's been living hell and i can't believe i could live feeling like i was going to die for that many months. and then he's like, yeah, well my sister had tough pregnancies and she ended up having five kids. plus she had preeclampsia, so try having that plus being sick! ...good thing pregnancy makes you so tired, or i think i would punch a lot of faces.

so then he numbs me up and starts drilling on the tooth. saying, "oh this should be quick and easy.... oh wait."
and you're all numb and drooly and you're like, "whaa? wha's going on??"
he tells you he can tell you vomited a lot. and that the acid from the vomit has worn away the tooth and that was why the tooth crumbled away, and it's now in the nerve and you need a root canal.
"yeah, vomit is pretty rough on your teeth." he says.
like he even knows.

he didn't look at the rest of my teeth and i really don't want him to. a few months before i got pregnant, i had a cleaning and my teeth were perfect, no problems, no cavities. now my teeth are chipping and filled with decay?

i barely made it out of the office before bursting into tears. not because i need a root canal, even though that will be a long and uncomfortable day. i cried all the way home because i feel so angry, so betrayed by my body, so upset that i did it, i faced my fear of pregnancy and it was harder and more miserable than i ever could have imagined. i'm so angry that i had to learn these big words, hyperemesis gravidarum and that even though i'm not throwing up anymore, that i'm doing better, my teeth are paying the price. that i have panic attacks when i feel extra nauseated. that the decision to give remington a sibling isn't going to be a simple, happy thing.

angry angry angry.

but the piece of me that demands i see the whole situation and not just the bad parts, that annoying voice that insists good things have come from this, reminds me of a few important things.

remember that PTSD i have as a result of sexual assault? and how i have a hard time believing that the people i love most and who love me, actually do love me? specifically, my parents and travis. it hasn't completely "gone away" but it is completely different now.

quick recap. after the assault, i looked at myself in a different way. i felt dirty, used. i remember on a trip to our cabin, looking through the screen door at my family sitting by the fire outside, and feeling that i wasn't worthy to sit with them, that i was somehow tainted. i believed that my parents saw me as something disgusting and that they couldn't possibly love me the same way ever again.

it sounds irrational, i know, but this is how i have felt for a long time. part of me knew my parents loved me, but the other part just knew i wasn't worthy of their love.

so when i became so sick i couldn't care for myself anymore, my mom was the first to understand. i suddenly was terrified to be away from her, because she seemed to get it in a way no one else did, that i had severe food aversions, that having to smell just about anything would make me sicker. she was the first person i really broke down in front of after vomiting. she stroked my back and hair while i sobbed to her that i couldn't do this anymore, that i couldn't survive, i wanted out. i had heard so many things that made it worse, like "eat crackers" or "everyone gets sick when they are pregnant" that i was afraid to be around anyone, because those comments were un-validating (is that a word?) and made everything harder. i just wanted to be around my mom, because she understood how sick i was without me having to prove anything to her.

i also started to see how much my dad loves me. which i know, shouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but it is. with travis having to work so much, i couldn't be alone, so, as i've said, i moved in with my parents. every morning, my dad would cheerily greet me with, "good morning pumpkin!" and then ask what i thought i could eat for breakfast. if i threw it up, he would try to cheer me up and re-feed me. he distracted me with things to laugh at, like watching seinfeld together or making jokes. he gave the perfect combination of sympathy and a can-do attitude, always telling me, "you're doing great, babe! just keep going!" my dad also kept me from going insane, taking me on small outings to the grocery store when i felt up to it and on drives to get out of the dreary january weather. both my parents planned their lives around taking care of me, putting off trips and dates, and cooking something i would be able to keep down, which was no small feat, considering it changed almost daily. nothing could have "fixed" the situation, but their complete support and concern made all the difference.

then, travis. that man has made so many quiet sacrifices. before this all happened, i had a hard time believing i came first with him or that he could possibly love me. (again, seems like a no-brainer, i mean, the guy married me, obviously he loves me, but the PTSD has a way of tricking me into believing a man could only want me for my body and that i'm not a priority. and this is the quick version.)  after going through this pregnancy with travis, i have absolutely no doubts about his love for me. between all the things he has done, like caring for me physically, taking charge of everything i couldn't do, including things like the 45 minute phone call it took to pay off my student loan, and let's me honest, basically doing everything for me. and then the big things, the things i'll never forget, like watching him argue with the doctor that week we rushed into the ER and then L&D a few days later. the doctor was talking over me, while i was laying helpless in that hospital bed, saying this was normal and that i would probably start feeling better soon. travis wasn't having it and he interrupted that doctor.
"she can't eat. anything. i warm up plain noodles for her and put butter on them and that is all she has been able to eat for weeks. something is not right here."

that was the point when the doctor started to talk about getting hydration for me and that if things didn't improve, we would go to a PICC line.

how on earth could i not believe in travis's love for me after all of that?
now i am able to have a panic attack in front of travis and allow him for comfort me, something that before, i would have hid from him and handled it on my own, which would make it worse. 


these examples are only a tiny picture of all that my parents and travis have done for me during this pregnancy. and yes, i'm so very angry that this happened to my life. but how selfish would i be if i didn't recognize the incredible things that came along too? for the first time since i was that fourteen year old girl, i know without a doubt of my parents' love for me. i know without a doubt that travis loves me and that i come first with him. i have also learned how sure God's love for me is and that He is always there. these are some of the most important truths i could need to know.

i am angry that this happened to me and i don't understand why it had to be this way.

but i still believe sunflowers will grow in the patches of weeds that seem so awful. and we will look back and feel thankful for the very things that we struggled with.


xo

32: rambling and becoming a giant whale.

hello.
i have caught yet another cold.
i think that's four since september.
for those of you who normally always have a cold, i'm sorry. but my normally kick-A immune system never lets this happen to me and i am feeling pretty bitter about it.
on the bright side, this cold is way easier to deal with than the ones that were on top of the hyperemesis, so i'm not complaining that much. just really really really ready to be done sharing my body.

anyway, i want to write some witty, funny post, but now that i'm actually sitting here typing, i think i'm too tired to make fun picture collages and write about them. so going the lazy route and saying whatever pops into the old head-a-roo.

okay, what happened last week again?

oh, cool thing, after having that priesthood blessing, the bleeding slowed down and then completely stopped. at our doctor's appointment, my dreamy silver haired doc told us that sometimes the growing placenta plugs up the bleeding by putting pressure on the spot that's having trouble, much like putting pressure on a wound. maybe that happened? cool!

i believe in blessings and science working together.
well, and magic. because we all know harry potter is real and that we just never got our letters to hogwarts because the owls they chose either got eaten by my cat pepper or they just had no sense of direction.

tangent.

yep, no bleeding. i think i have had some contractions though. something pretty painful and crampy going on down there? last night they kept coming, like six or seven minutes apart. i think there were eight of them. but i took a bath and they went away.

oh, here's what we look like waiting for our doctor's appointment.

bag' o peanuts in my lap. 

doctor's appointment was good. with all the placenta scares, we got to have an unexpected ultrasound! one of the pictures doc printed out for us showed remy's mouth open and you see all the teeth bones. ZOMBIE ATTACK IN MY WOMB! is what it looked like.

i've gained around 22 pounds.
"yeah IN YOUR BRA!" says travis, who insists 8 of it has to be boob weight.
i am okay with him saying this.

uterus measuring a bit small, but the ultrasound measurements claim remy is right on track in size and weight.
doc told me to keep laying around doing nothing, endearing himself to me even more by saying, "don't lift laundry baskets or heavy dishes." (travis has been doing mostly everything anyway, so nothing new there.)

yep, still laying around watching these beauties grow!

oh, we went on a triple date!
(thanks again meghan for the gift card and instructions for us to go out on the town.)

candice, 16 weeks prego and "the whale!" at 32 weeks. 

still such a treat to go out, be around the smells of food and other people without getting sick, (besides the old PTSD acting up again, this time hyperemesis related, maybe i'll write about this sometime.) and being able to eat something like pizza. we had a DELIGHTFUL time with nate and lauren and getting to know megan and candice better.

and can i just say, i think megan and candice have got things figured out.
they are taking turns having their kids. how efficient is that!?!?! you get double the kids for half the pregnancy time. genius, i say.


still  feeling incredibly thankful for every meal i am able to eat.
funny story, took this picture with instagram, which cuts off a chunk of the photo, if you have IG, you know what i'm talking about. so then when i went back and looked through my photos on my phone, it showed the whole picture instead of the instagramed one, and i was like, um what is that huge tan bulge at the bottom of this picture, GOOD HOLY BATMAN, THAT WOULD BE MY BELLY!

whelp, that's pretty much it for week 32. getting more and more excited for this babe to GET OUT MY BELLY.

xo

guest post over at SLC Feminist

people, this is a pregnancy-free post.
hard to believe, i know.

my dear friend chelsea started this wonderful website {SLC Feminist} which you should check out.
if you aren't sure how you feel about that "scary" word, 'feminist,' then here, read their mission statement and see if you agree.


Our Mission

Here at SLC Feminist there are some things we know the world could do without, and our number one goal is to help you feel the same. We advocate for a world without the following:

•  racism/white privilege
• sizeism
• sexism
• classism
• ableism
• homophobia
• transphobia
• victim blaming

see, pretty great, huh?

i was honored to be asked to write a guest post.

 go {here} if you feel like reading it.

and if you would, share her website with your three F's!( family, friends, and facebook.)  knowledge is power. let's change the world!

happy friday!

xo

31: placental abruption, "pelvic rest," and my husband racking up admirers.

isn't there some expression about time passing so slowly you can watch flowers growing right before your eyes?

or something? i'm calling pregnancy brain on this one. (which is a real thing! seriously, during the 3rd trimester, your brain cell volume decreases. go {here} if you're into reading about that.)

but yeah, this past week i have been really busy.
watching these tulips grow and laying around, trying not to hemorrhage placental blood.

that's a little dramatic. but the theme for week 31 was hospital visits. four total. one for hydration, and three for bleeding.

ooops, i didn't get a belly shot for 31 weeks. eh, the belly looks pretty close to the same as last week. this was what 31 weeks looked like, super attractive hospital gowns and napping while waiting for labs to come back.

the doctors' official best diagnosis/guess is partial {placental abruption}. this basically means the placenta is tearing away from the uterine wall, which is causing the bleeding, which causes irritated uterus and contractions. the thing that is a little scary about this is that it's a bit of a ticking time bomb. hopefully, it's just a tiny little flap that has torn away and we'll just be annoyed and stressed out by the constant bleeding, and we will just have to make a zillion hospital visits to make sure remy is getting oxygen and that i'm not going into labor. sometimes, the placenta tears away completely, which results in crazy bleeding and rushing to emergency c-section. they have no way of knowing where the tear is and there is no way to fix it, if this is in fact what is going on.

DOOOMSDAY! 

this is all a little scary, but i'm really not too worried yet. lots of women deal with this and have perfectly healthy, full term be-bes. i was a little worried yesterday when the bleeding had increased to bright red dripping throughout the day, but this morning it has slowed down. travis and his brothers gave me a priesthood blessing last night, and that always helps me feel comforted. i'll worry if, while travis is gone at the fire station, blood suddenly starts gushing everywhere and i have to call 911. until then, just feeling pretty annoyed that i'm not allowed to go to the gym or move very much. but i'll gladly take this bedrest over the hyperemesis fog from the first five months of this wild ride.



           other things about week 31.

• my ribs have become remington's jungle gym. every time travis feels how hard remy is pushing against my belly, he says, "this is why the placenta is tearing away! does he always kick so hard?" yes, yes he does. as weird and uncomfortable as it feels, i love it. 

• travis got a haircut. pretty sure the stylist who cuts his hair has a big fat crush on him, but i can't blame her. she always talks about how her husband is balding, and then runs her fingers through travis's thick hair. a lot. then tells him she has magic hands and giggles. mmmmkay.  i tagged along to the appointment because i had nothing better to do, and when she offered to give him her number so he could just text her next time he needs a trim, he looked at me, completely wide eyed and terrified. she gave him her card, but he refuses to put her number in his phone, something i find pretty hilarious. 

the guy has ridiculously thick hair. jealous! 

• speaking of trav's thick hair, i am loving my pregnancy hair. fun fact, so, the few hairs that fall out of our heads on a daily basis, the normal amount of hair that should fall out, this is caused by a hormone that shuts off during pregnancy. all that hair that would normally fall out, stays in. unfortunately, when pregnancy ends, the hormone comes back and all that hair that should have gradually fallen out, comes out all at once. not looking forward to that, but i am enjoying the thick luscious hair i have for now. 

• other random pregnancy side effects: my belly button is still an innie, but it's gotten much less deep and i did clean out a crazy amount of lint. also, it's pretty soft! weird. wedding ring still fits, but feels a little more snug than before. had a new craving this week: ice chips. umm, okay? 

• in the past week, i've had more vaginal/cervical exams than i have in my entire life. after one particularly painful one, the nurse looked at me and asked, "are you planning to go unmedicated?" i told her i haven't quite decided, but that i'm considering it. she smiled in a knowing way. "oh, you're getting the epidural." she informed me. if i do end up going unmedicated, i'm going to request that she be in the room. (but with each exam, i feel more and more than i'm probably going to end up getting the epi juice. we'll see. might just end up with that emergency c-section. at the rate things are going.) 

• got some pretty enormous bills in the mail from iv therapy and labor & delivery. so much for using our tax return on savings or going on a vacation. creating our own kid is going to be just about as expensive as adoption! thank goodness for insurance, or we'd probably have to sell remington when he gets here to avoid losing the house. (insert whiny, tragic violin music.)

that's pretty much it for the week. a little nerve wracking, but travis and i enjoyed spending lots of down time together. and how about this sweet irony: i finally feel well enough to enjoy some marital intimacy, and now i'm on "pelvic rest," a really tactful way of being told NO SEX FOR YOU. 

sigh. 

happy spring, though! lovin' that extra hour of daylight every night. 

xo

week 30: bruises, filleting fish, and contractions.

week 30 was a pretty excellent week, filled with gym time, maternity pictures, and spending time with travis. oh, and then there was that little stunt at the end of the week where we rushed to labor and delivery because of bleeding and contractions, which i'll get to in a minute.

one of my favs from the day.

like i said, we did maternity pictures this week. maternity pictures are probably my favorite type to take, you know, of other people. i hate being the subject and i pity anyone who takes my picture, because the whole time i'm backseat camera-ing. plus, taking a picture of me that i will actually like and approve of how i look, that takes some talent and patience. add the extra poundage and a big belly, and i'm liking my appearance less and less. so props to reed and my mom for making them so beautiful.

spring started showing its pretty face! check out these crocuses in trav's parents' flower beds. also, how nice is it that the sun is still up at 6pm?

okay, well it's not completely spring yet. travis went ice fishing for his first time this week with a guy from the fire station. he came home with a sack full of beauties and my dad was thrilled when travis wanted a filleting lesson.

this was a particularly gnarly bruise from hydration. but instead of my whole arm being covered, it's just one! (on that side.) i have been going less (which is probably going to change, but again, i'll get to that in a sec.) so the arms aren't quite as hammered anymore.

we went on a double date with my parents saturday night, to the new (ish) city creek mall downtown slc. here we are, petting a goat in a very expensive clothing store. also, travis made a new friend, an older gentleman who seemed quite taken with travis. i always enjoy watching travis get hit on, by males or females, because let's be honest, travis is a fine specimen of man flesh.

speaking of travis, check out this beautiful loaf of bread he baked sunday morning. not much sexier than a man who bakes, eh?

also featured in week 30, but without an accompanying picture:

• went to the gym a whopping three times and upped my hand weights and cardio time.
•  finally had another pregnancy craving of green beans, drizzled with seasame oil and soy sauce! thanks to my mama for making them every day. (cooking still makin' me sick.) 
• did a photo shoot for an outgoing missionary. feels so great to be working a tiny bit again! 
• enjoyed feeling remington moving. those little jabs i thought were so powerful and strong a month ago? yeah long gone. now i can feel actual body parts scraping up against my belly. if you watch, you'll see waves of remington rippling up and down. so crazy!

week 30 was shaping up to be quite the week, minimal nausea, everything normal at the doctor appointment, etc. etc. etc. 

then sunday night got a teensy bit exciting. 

we did the usual routine, go to my parents' for dinner and then spend time with both sides of our family for the evening. we were having such a good time at trav's parents' that we didn't end up getting home until around 10pm. like always, i headed straight to the bathroom to pee and there i made a startling discovery, blood in my underwear. 

hmmm. haven't seen that in a while. 

wait blood. blood in your underwear isn't good during pregnancy, right? 

said my brain, stupidly. 

then when i wiped, (yes wiped, we all wipe when we pee, or at least the ladies do and men, it's not a terrible idea.) there was more blood on the toilet paper. 

"uh travis?" i called. "so i'm bleeding in here." 

we stared at my bloody underwear, not like dripping-with-blood bloody, but the amount of blood i usually see on the first day of my period. enough that we were concerned. "we should call the doctor?" we decided. and called the on call doctor at the labor and delivery unit. 

then this. 

"hey, yeah so i just noticed that i'm bleeding, yes i'm almost 31 weeks. yeah, cramping and some sharp pains down near my uh... vagina... area. like inside shooting up there. well i don't really know what contractions feel like exactly... but my uterus has been tightening up on and off? oh really? well, okay." 

i hang up the phone and travis asks, "okay what do they want us to do?" 

"the doctor says that we should just watch the bleeding, see if it gets worse, and go into the office tomorrow morning to get checked." i answer, feeling confused and seeing that confusion echoed on travis's face. 

"call your mom." travis suggested. 

my mom was alarmed to hear that i was bleeding and told us we should just go in, to H with that doctor's advice. 

travis sealed it for me with, "you have been working hard on this pregnancy for 30 weeks now. i say we just go in." 

our confidence in doctors is pretty much shot by now.

so we call the doctor back, tell him we are uncomfortable with the amount of blood and are coming in, and walk downstairs and get into the car. 

what if next time we come home, i'm not pregnant anymore? i think, while saying to travis, "it's fine, i'm sure it's nothing, we are going to feel silly, everything is fine." and he asks, "is remington moving much?" and i realize i haven't felt him in a while and then i start getting a little panicked and picturing all the terrible things you pray will never happen to you and then trying not to picture them in case me picturing them makes them come true. 

travis speeds to the hospital and i'm reminded of just over ten weeks ago, him speeding us to the hospital and me comatose on the passenger side. i take comfort in the fact that this time i'm conscious and able to handle whatever is coming. 

we get to the hospital and i'm checked into the triage room, where a nurse takes my vitals and a history. she straps me up to a belt that monitors remy's heartbeat, which we are relived to hear is strong, and then she informs me that i'm having contractions. she points to the monitor, the squiggly line moving up and down, and asks if i can feel them. i tell her i feel cramping. travis asks her what could be causing the bleeding and she asks us if we have had sex in the last 48 hours. we look at each other and laugh. (because we barely remember what sex is anymore.) "uh nope." 

then the really fun parts. she starts an iv to give me fluids, tells me she's going to need to insert a catheter to take my urine sample, and that she'll need to check my cervix. the catheter. hurt. so much. so much, that having her check my cervix wasn't even a big deal. 

same old drill.

"and relax. okay this is you relaxed?" 

then a concerned look on her face. 

"your cervix is moderate, but i can't fit my finger through the back opening, so that's good." 

yeah, you know the catheter was painful if i could handle this person sticking her hand up into my cervix. good grief, why did i have to be born a woman?

(apparently your cervix needs to be nice and squishy soft to squeeze out a baby. on friday at the doctor's appointment, my cervix had been classified as very hard, so this new development was a tad alarming.) 

then the nurse starts talking about giving me a shot to help remy's lungs develop in case he is really coming. at this point travis and i are pretty freaked out. "wait, am i having a baby right now?" i asked her. she looked at my contractions on the monitor. "let's just see what we can do about getting these contractions stopped." she replied. 

she left the room with my urine sample and we waited. and waited. then came back in and gave me a shot to stop the contractions. and we waited some more. after a half hour, thankfully, the contractions had mostly stopped and they let us go home around three am. 

i know, really anticlimactic ending. 

i did almost pass out in the car coming down from the drug they gave me. 

the next morning, travis let me sleep and he called the doctor's office, to be told that my urine sample revealed dehydration, big shocker, and that could be what caused everything. yesterday i started bleeding again, so my mom and i went in, (travis was busy being a firefighter or something.) and the nurse wondered if maybe part of my plancenta has detached and is causing the bleeding, which causes irritation to the uterus, and then causes contractions. 

yeah, no one knows what's going on. the first nurse told me i probably have a kidney stone, which is causing all the irritation. then the doctor told her the blood in my urine sample was probably from the trauma of the catheter and that i don't have a kidney stone. okay guys, stop guessing in front of me and freaking me out! all i know is i finally felt well enough to start living a life and now i'm back on the couch, watching desperate housewives. not that i'm complaining, because this is way easier than laying on the couch puking and wishing for death.

oh remington, stay in there please? at least for six more weeks? 

probably he'll end up coming late. because everything about this pregnancy has to be ridiculous.  

except for the whole, travis and i being closer and more in love than ever before thing. and being so crazy about the little guy we teamed up to create.

(let's be honest, i did most of the work.) 

this whole clip is fabulous, but if you only care about relating to what i just said about how i did most of the work, skip to 3:20 and prepare to laugh. 

use protection unless you are ready to surrender your body and life!

xo.