do you ever have so many emotionally packed experiences in a short period of time that you feel like you can't keep up with processing/understanding them? let alone writing them down. that is how the last few weeks i've had have been. for now though, i think i'll just focus on my new job.
as i mentioned, i am an adolescent substance abuse counselor at a residential treatment facility. basically what that mouthful means is that i work with kids who come from non-traditional backgrounds, meaning they are in the foster care system or living with relatives etc., who were mandated by the legal system to receive treatment for their addictions and kind of take a "time out." they aren't allowed to leave the facility. there are locks on all the doors. i carry keys with me at work and if a kid needs to get into their bedroom, that kid has to ask me to unlock the door. we lock up the knives and count them every day to make sure no one is hiding a knife in their room. when the kids clean up, we have to unlock the cabinet holding the chemicals and spray down the counters for them. we search their bags and clothes and bedrooms for drugs. we learn how to hold an adolescent who is being aggressive and threatening the safety of others. when a kid comes in for the first time, i have to watch her pee into a cup to make sure she doesn't sneak in some other kid's pee. (obviously when i work on the boys' unit, i don't watch this process.) we also run group counseling sessions and drug education.
all of that is a little out of my comfort zone. but the thing that really, really gets to me, is hearing the stories.
i will never forget an experience i had my first day working on the boys' unit.
i did my first day on the girls' unit. my boss thought it might be easier to learn in that atmosphere. (and it was terrifying actually. one of the girls kept smiling at me. i thought, this isn't going to be so bad. and then she marched up to me and informed me she wasn't really smiling at me. she was mocking me for smiling at her. this 16 year old blonde girl, all up in my face, asserting her dominance, telling me i have a baby face and look younger than her. i almost walked out right then and there.) so anyway, back to my first day on boys. i had no idea what to expect. would someone make crass comments about my body? would there be any ass-grabbings? would there be a fist fight i would have to help break up? i was pleasantly surprised to find a group of boys who were polite, kind, and sweet. sure, one kid made a joke about touching my butt, but he had just had his wisdom teeth out and was still loopy from the anesthesia. none of those boys said anything worse than comments boys had made about me in high school.
one boy immediately became my best friend.
"hi, i'm ____. and i'm gay, so you don't have to worry about me making any moves on you."
(i was concerned that the other boys would harass and torment this kid who was so openly proclaiming his homosexuality, but they were actually very kind to him. "when we went to ream's the other day (when they get enough privileges, they are allowed to walk to reams with a counselor to buy a treat) so the other day when we were at ream's, one of the baggers was checking ____ out and we were like, oh we'll kick his ass if he messes with ____." at which point we say, watch your language and although it's a nice gesture, we don't kick asses to solve problems.)
so, ___, who is gay, tells me he is a dancer. and we start talking about dance, music, art, etc. they whip out the guitar and ask if i play, and i end up singing for them. ____ talks to me about his dance education and before i know it, he has used some of his priv money to buy radio time and he is performing his dances. and he is incredibly talented. he shows me ballet, jazz, modern, and i'm mesmerized at his graceful ability. the other boys are complimentary. i ask ___ about his drug of choice and he tells me cocaine. and that he is 14 years old. but that he has been sober for 120 days.
see, it's one thing to read about drug addiction. it's one thing to watch the news or dateline and see stories. you think you get it. it's completely another thing to talk to a 14 year old boy who is brimming with talent and beauty and hear that he uses cocaine and ecstasy. and then you read his file and learn that he was molested at a young age and had zero parent support. you sit and watch a shy boy play the guitar and sing in his untrained voice and he looks to you for approval and you wonder what ugly things he has seen. my heart is broken and so filled with love for these kids. i just want to bring them all home and cook for them and keep them safe.
then there was the experience i had on the girls' unit this week. i have been having a difficult time getting the girls to open up to me. they are much more shy than the boys and much more guarded at first. i knew if i could just get them singing or playing guitar that we would have common ground. several of the girls were singing quietly and have gorgeous voices. i mentioned that i play guitar and piano and could accompany them if they wanted. suddenly we were having an impromptu voice lesson. it was as if all the training and practicing i'd ever done had led me straight to that moment on the piano, surrounded by young girls singing old evanescence songs i'd learned in junior high.
one of the girls, a 13 year old, told me her dad was going to teach her guitar. i told her how great that was and that she should be sure to learn.
"well, that was before he went to prison."
as a sex offender.
my heart. is broken.
but these kids are resilient. some of them still have hope. they joke around with each other. they sing at the top of their lungs during math class (their teacher lets them take turns "spinning the tunes" as he calls it.) they are happy to see me. they talk about their addictions openly and about life "on the run." living in abandoned houses, shooting up, and partying.
kind of makes my middle class, two parent household, summer vacation, family pet, dinner at 6 every night upbringing seem like paradise.
i have been changed forever. i had no idea i would fall in love with these kids so fast. i cry for them. i pray for them. travis made a joke to me the other day about us having children.
"i have children." i told him. "sixteen of them actually."
it's exhausting and sometimes terrifying. and i love my job.
xo
wow. you're so perfect for those kids.
ReplyDelete