miracles

right now, in a hospital in murray, a miracle is taking place.
one of my dearest friends is having her baby!

obviously, a baby is a wonderful, incredible miracle. that two people can combine in such a way as to create life, actual life, is one of the most mysterious and beautiful aspects of our world. but this baby's birth is a little more personal to me than the mysteries and glories of procreation. this baby reminded me why i wanted to live.

as i have mentioned previously, last fall i came very close to ending my life. to say i was unhappy doesn't describe it. i felt completely hopeless and broken. have you ever been hopeless to the point of embracing the end? have you ever stopped caring, about yourself and about the people who love you? so hopeless the only option that seems to make any sense is for it all to end? i had felt these feelings before, when i was fifteen and actually attempted suicide. (another story for another time.) on some level, i was a little worried to recognize these feelings of hopelessness in myself again, but the apathy i felt for my own life drowned out everything else. as i write this, i can hear all the arguments about suicide, about how selfish those people are. anyone who can say that has never been there. anyone who can say that wasn't there with me, sitting at my kitchen table all alone, considering that bottle of prescription pills. how it was so sunny outside, how i had just sat through church services alone and left feeling even more alone.

tonight, i was at liana's house, drawing the gaint tree on the nursery wall, and as i looked around the room, at the ruffly baby clothes, carefully selected crib, and pink and grey walls, i thought about the day i found out liana was pregnant.

it was the day after i almost killed myself. she and her husband had been away on an anniversary trip. she hadn't known how low i was, no one had. travis had been out of town working. when depression hits, i never talk about it until it passes. it's always been that way, and although i'm trying to fix that, it's tough to ask for help when you really need it.

liana called me and said she needed to tell me something. her period had been late before she left, and i had known she thought she might be pregnant. while still on the phone with her, i sprinted to our inlaws home where they were staying while looking for a house to buy. she showed me the pregnancy tests she had taken that morning, and everything changed. as i walked home from their house, i realized i wanted to meet this child. i wanted to be involved in its life and be a positive influence. tears streamed down my cheeks as i felt something. not apathy, not hopelessness. a spark of something i hadn't felt in months. i knew i was choosing to live and that somehow, everything would work out.

travis came home and i actually opened up a little, i started counseling, and although it's been tough to confront and face everything, i'm so far from where i was last fall when i sat at my kitchen table that sunny sunday afternoon. so, little amelia, thank you for saving my life and reminding me why it was worth sticking around. i can't wait to meet you!