searching for home: part 1

our house. is a mess.

and we haven't even packed our bedrooms yet.
it is AWESOME!

this is what it sounds like when we pack:
travis, taking down the kitchen table, says, "wow, i remember putting this table up with nate and us eating eating our first meal in this house." pause. "and you were so mad at me."
i laugh, "yeah i was! and you were so scared of me!"

travis and nate, eating the first meal in our house

we laugh now, but when we were first married, it was a pretty tough adjustment. sex was painful and scary, which made travis feel guilty and withdraw, making me wonder why travis was acting so different, leading to me getting really defensive and angry, leading travis to think i regretted marrying him.... etc.

then there was the house. it's a long story, but the reasons we bought this house weren't really great reasons. we were trying to find something in a certain amount of time so we could get that $8,000 tax credit. (that we didn't end up getting, but ended up being a huge blessing because if we had gotten it, we would have had to pay it back before selling our house.)  we didn't really know anything about buying a house. i'll just leave it at that. but the house was a disaster. filthy, crawling with spiders, covered in construction mess. etc.

then came the adjustment of living alone 2-3 days a week while travis went to work. i really resented his job for a while- and i know, i should have been thankful he had such a great job, but i wasn't.

then there was the fact that we were living in the neighborhood he grew up in. a great neighborhood, but i just never felt like it was mine. it was like i was visiting his, you know?

sorry, this is becoming a list of negative things. but to understand why i'm so thankful we are moving, you have to know the reasons it was really hard living in this house. every room in our house is full of memories of sadness. the other day my mom was over, helping me when i hurt my back. she was sitting in our t.v. room, saying how nice it looked. i told her what i though about every time i see that room, our first night spent in the house.

 our first night back from our honeymoon. we had barely spoken to each other on the plane ride home. my parents picked us up from the airport with a cute sign, "welcome home bodtchers!" i saw the name "bodtcher" and panicked, because i didn't understand how travis and i had had such a good thing before getting married and now all the sudden we weren't speaking. and now i was supposed to just be a bodtcher? when my parents asked us how our trip was, both of us were probably thinking the same thing: i feel like a failure because sex is impossible, and i think my spouse hates my guts. and i can't believe i have a spouse. when we walked into our house, it was a mess, the floor covered in brown paper to protect it from all the sanding and mudding we would have to do. florescent lights cast shadows on the dingy walls. my dad looked at us, perhaps reading the panic in our eyes, and said, "this place is going to be great, you know. once you get it all painted and decorated and remodeled." i wasn't sure i believed him.

then my parents left us alone. our first night in our house. a bed was set up in the only room that didn't have paper covering the floor. it wasn't our bedspread, just someone's extra we were borrowing. there was an ikea catalog someone had left us. i got into bed and started leafing through it, trying to start conversation with travis about decorating our house. he disagreed with every suggestion i made, probably feeling stressed out about money just looking at how expensive everything was. we had a fight, then turned to face opposite walls, and i fell asleep with tears on my cheeks, wondering what had happened to us.

that is what i think of every time i see that t.v. room.

there are so many other memories similar to that one. our first year of marriage was hard. between all the normal newly married adjusting, remodeling our house, travis's job, paying for my schooling, travis's mentor committing suicide, my PTSD and sex being so scary, fighting about our families- "make your family stop telling me to have a baby"- travis's damn dog roxy and her nine puppies, travis having to live paycheck to paycheck for the first time in his life...  we both agree that it's a miracle we came out of that and stayed married. but we did. we stuck it out, started figuring it out,  and we are so happy now.

travis started talking to me about wanting to move last january. neither of us have ever felt at home in our house. i have always had a weird way of thinking about inanimate objects as alive, (like when i used to put band-aids on the kitchen table because it had an owie...) and i have just always felt that our house didn't really want us there. maybe it was sick of all the disagreements and anger. i know, it sounds crazy. but it was never home.

so when we say we are excited to move, it's more than just being excited for a new house with a dishwasher and more space. although those things will be a huge upgrade from what we have now, we are so excited for a fresh start in a place that feels like home. and i'll always be thankful for the lessons we learned in our red brick house, as painful as they were. because through all of the fights and doubt, i always knew travis was the one. that even though we were making each other miserable, we could be great together. we could be happy. i thought i knew that when we were dating and happy. but if you're completely miserable with a person, and still want to be with that person, that is when you really know.

i'm so thankful for travis and for that first awful year of marriage we struggled through.
probably more thankful it's over and things are good now.

guys, it's really happening! we are moving!

and if you need to talk about how hard marriage can be, feel free to email me. i won't judge you. :)

happy weekend! -xo