29. ("TWENTY NINE!" - schmidt)

oh hey!

i'm sitting here, cruising the interwebs, listening to kanye, but like the old kanye college dropout, and i'm not being quiet because remy is sleeping at my mom's tonight!

it's my birthday tomorrow, which is why remy is sleeping at my mom's. travis is on a weekend army campout and i wasn't down with not getting to sleep in on my birthday, so i hollered at my mom. (kanye is playing, remember. "drug dealing just to get by, stack your money til it gets sky high!")

you may remember how much i love my birthday and making it a big deal. i'm planning on taking my new birthday present, an orange stand up paddle board, out on the lake first thing in the morning, then climbing around 11, then a pedicure, a nap, going out for indian food with my family, and a little party in the evening. five years ago i probably would have pouted and been upset that i'm planning my own birthday, that travis is going to be gone til the evening, but through having/raising remy i have learned the importance of not waiting for someone else to take care of your needs and wants, but to be your own life planner, your own birthday planner. i guess that's progress? also "raising remy" is a great title for the mommy blog i don't write.

the other day i was climbing with nate, my climbing partner, at the gym and we were talking about similarities i have with some of his other close friends. he did say that one huge difference is that i am much more likely to say something, defend myself, or be loud/confrontational if i am uncomfortable with a situation. i thought about that a little bit, because as a kid and teenager, i was not that at all, especially after being assaulted. i went quiet for a long time. i guess hearing him say that was a nice mile marker for how far i have come. more progress.

looking back over the past year of my life, i see a lot of stretching, discomfort, exhaustion, but also growth, confidence, and endurance. grad school has been... exactly what i needed. i can't believe i have only known my classmates for a year; some of them i already consider my closest friends. i've also grown so much as a climber since my last birthday. much more confident, better at reading the routes, smoother, better at pushing through when everything hurts. (i'm even trying out for the university of utah's bouldering team next month, and i guarantee i won't make it. but the fact that i'll try something when there's a possibility of failure is pretty huge.) as for my motherhood identity, it was also very stretched this past year. lots of mom guilt around leaving remy for school and work. along with the guilt though, i saw my parenting style continue to strive for gentleness, patience, and love. i know as moms we aren't supposed to publicly pat ourselves on the back, but more days than not, i felt like i did my best as remy's mom, and did a damn good job of it.

my marriage also grew and adapted to changes this year. travis and i are more solid than before. where there was pain and hurt, there is now trust. more often than not, we are laughing.

it's nice to look back over the year and see that i feel a lot of pride and satisfaction. the past several years, that wasn't so much the case. so it's kind of nice to feel that now. i'm still fighting that loud voice in my head that insists i pay attention to the emerging wrinkles and white hairs (so many white hairs!) it didn't really help that my dad teased me last sunday about how after 29, your looks go and it's all downhill. i'm trying not to subscribe to that, but i'll be honest, i googled botox for way too long the other night after seeing a picture of myself that i thought looked gross. i kind of thought once my acne was gone after accutane (and it's still not gone, why acne and wrinkles at the same time why) i would just love my physical self unconditionally, but turns out i'm still being a bitch to myself about imperfections. i don't want to spend the entire rest of my life hating my aging appearance, so gonna keep up the work on that mental battle.

i'm headed to bed. let's be honest, first i'm headed down for a snack, then bed. :) felt good to muse through some things here again. good night internetland. and good night kanye.