one of those, sunflowers growing in patches of weeds, posts.

there are so many things.
i've been avoiding this former safe haven of mine for a lot of reasons.
i wrote a post a few months ago when i was having suicidal thoughts and it was like, pretty real. 
didn't post it because i was afraid that errbody would think i had lost it. again. i've never not posted something i gushed into this blog.

then a friend made a comment about how every time he checks my blog he sees another crisis in my life and i was like, yikes, i'm that person.

which i never used to care about.

of course there is the whole, travis joining the military when i didn't want him to and marriage is hard sometimes but i don't want to talk about it on my blog because it's pretty personal and unlike a certain uncle of mine likes to think i don't post every single detail of my life for the public to read. thing.

and now the current situation which is my husband being two thousand miles from home while i'm here being the only parent to our toddler son who throws food and tantrums all over my face.

plus the feelings that come from getting further and further from the religion you were raised in and how you want to write about it but not disappoint your loved ones.

yes, i know i'm a person who has a lot of feelings and maybe i do have crisis after crisis. don't we all?

a lot has been going on. but tonight i'm thinking a lot about all the good that has come from this current "crisis." you know me, trying to find the silver lining or the sunflowers in weeds sheeeeeet.


the two things that are keeping me sane right now are two things i never would have experienced if travis hadn't left, my job and my climbing gym membership.

working with the junior high kids has been... i can't even find the word. incredible or amazing isn't right. i feel smart again. useful. completely encompassed in the love you feel for kids you are trying to help. ready to get serious about becoming a therapist. this opportunity has helped me realize the right program for me is social work, and i am surrounded by social workers who will write me the best letters of recommendation. the kids are wonderful, smart, strong, resilient, hilarious. i never would have applied for a job if travis had stayed here. i only started looking because i didn't want to be home alone with a babe all day every day. plus, travis's sister, melissa, watches remy while i work, and it has been wonderful getting to know her and her kids better and having her get closer to remy. i'm so lucky to have such a good mother and friend to take care of my boy.

then the climbing thing.

we've dabbled a little in the past, bought the gear, gone occasionally.  but this time, it filled the hole of travis being gone and gave me something new to work toward. being on the wall and only having to think of the next move to make is therapeutic, almost to the point of being spiritual for me. my good friend and i were talking about religion and feeling spiritual and how it's not just something you find in church. for me, climbing is that feeling of calm. the days i climb, my depression and anxiety are nowhere to be found. i come home at night and don't have the OCD issues and certainty that remy will somehow die in his sleep if i don't swaddle him the exact right way with the blanket tag facing down. (for reals.) i've gotten closer to my brother chad, who is my climb buddy, and i feel a new confidence and love for my body.

these things are huge! if travis hadn't joined the national guard, i wouldn't have experienced any of it.
blah blah, with hard things come great opportunities for growth, blah blah, you've heard it all before.

it doesn't make it any less meaningful for me.

xo.