(here is that damn suicidal post i was too afraid to make public.) fighting it.

this is not a cry for help. 
i am not suicidal. i'm doing fine. 
this post was written back in september. 
by the way, c.w., this post talks about suicide. 


today i went to see my psychiatrist to get my refill.
so basically i got to pay $30 to spend seven minutes with a guy i barely know, who stares at my file on his clipboard and says dumb things.
i see him roughly every two months, so it's not much skin off my nose. but today he really bothered me.

in general, with the whole 'robin williams is an actor i loved so i feel the need to talk about his suicide and my opinion of it online' thing really bothered me. there has just been a lot of suicide talk lately and i guess today was the last straw.

my depression hasn't been doing so great lately. the past month and a half it's come creeping back. my energy is low, i'm not that interested in things, i feel numb or sad or like my insides are ripping apart, i nap almost every time remy does in the afternoon even though i get plenty of sleep at night, and i'm having a hard time connecting to others. there have even been days where i think about ending my life.

this is nothing new; i spent most of my teenage years and early twenties fighting these feelings.

and i'm not saying this so that you will call me and say, "oh collette! read your blog! i am so sorry!" (obviously that's nice of you to say. half of the time i write here i don't even think about anyone reading it. this is not a cry for help. i have lots of help. i'm okay.)

i guess i just want to say that depression is tough.
i'm not trying to be selfish.
i actually hold most of it in and try really hard to be happy, to be thankful for everything i am blessed with, and to listen and serve others.

today the psychiatrist made several comments that i was a little shocked to hear.

"oh so you aren't doing as well with the depression. have you had suicidal thoughts?" thumbs through my chart. "you've actually attempted suicide before right?"

"yeah."

"huh. you tend to go from doing well to suicidal pretty fast."

"uh huh."

"well you can't be doing that now. you have a baby to think about."

"yep."

"you need to let go of resentment over things and work on some forgiveness."

i actually started laughing at this point. "doctor, if you'd give me your secrets on how to do that on command, i'd love to hear it."


seriously this man has gone to medical school. i'm assuming he's pretty intelligent. so i'm always shocked when he says things like this.

he's not all bad though, really.
when i first started going and was still adjusting to medications and fighting the postpartum depression at its worst, i had a really bad week. it was so bad that i dropped remy off at my mom's and then headed home to end my life. it was scary. i was done.

then my phone rang. it was my doctor, calling to check on me. i held the phone in my hand trying to decide if i should answer. i answered and immediately started to sob, telling him i was driving home to kill myself and that i didn't want to and that i was afraid. he talked me through it very calmly, reminding me that it was probably the medications making me feel worse and that it would pass. asking if i needed to go back to lds hospital to commit myself. he brought me back to myself and made me promise to call him the next day. that phone call saved my life.

and here is where i can hear matt walsh, freaking matt walsh of the matt walsh blog, which i will not post a link to because i do not want to add to his blog traffic, saying things like, "no one was forcing you to drive home and kill yourself. you had a choice."

MATT WALSH. PLEASE DON'T WRITE THINGS ABOUT SUICIDE ANYMORE.
PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ANYMORE.
YOU. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND. SUICIDE.

or at least that was the impression i got after reading his piece of garbage about robin williams.

also. matt walsh.  YOU DID NOT PERSONALLY KNOW ROBIN WILLIAMS. STAY THE EFF OUT OF IT.

yeah, that whole thing really chapped my behind and actually, the entire thing with the whole internet thinking they needed to weigh in on robin william's suicide was disgusting.

unless you have been there, you do not understand.

i don't know exactly why my depression worsened this past month. one week i was pretty happy. then the next i was sad again. when i say sad i mean, i have an ache inside of me that is oh-so familiar. the ache settles into my chest and stomach and hands and eyes. as i go about my day, the ache is there, distracting me from remy, telling me travis doesn't really love me, reminding me that i'm damaged ridiculous boring useless exhausted.

until you have fought with this ache following you around, you don't understand how a person with a good life, a beautiful child, and a loving husband could think about ending it. physically, there is something wrong with my brain. PTSD and depression have physiologically changed my brain. that doesn't mean that i am not going to keep fighting it, taking my meds twice a day, and going to therapy.

just means that it's hard. hard enough without the internet and my psychiatrist making those kinds of comments. depression is real and it physically hurts.

when i'm having a particularly rough day, i listen to this ingrid michaelson song on repeat. hopefully if you are feeling the ache, this helps.

San Francisco in November
The water, it's still warm

When you're broken,
You can't tell them what went wrong

Ohhh, ohhh
Ohhh, ohhh

Jumper is what they'll name you
Just another jumper
You're not the first

When you're broken,
You can't tell them where it
When you're broken, 
You can't tell them where it hurts

1, 2, 3
1, 2, 3
Did you count 1, 2, 3?
Did you count 1, 2, 3?
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Did you count 1, 2, 3?

And then...

Ohhh, ohhh
Ohhh, ohhh

I'm sorry that I never met you
And I'm sorry that we never touched

When you're broken,
You forget there's so much
When you're broken,
You forget there's so much more
You forget there's so much more
You forget there's so much more
than you. 



there really is so much more and it is possible to feel it.
keep fighting it.
xo.