bang.

okay. can we be real for a sec?
like can we talk about sex after baby?

warning: if you are uncomfortable with hearing personal details about my love life, or about my va-jay-jay, or about hoo haws after babies rip through them, or are my grandpa or father, please stop reading now.

also, to avoid picking up porn seeking weirdies who search sex terms and vagina terms, I'm going to use alternate language to describe the details of this conversation.
one more thing, although the events i'm about to describe are a little depressing, know that i'm laughing about them. because what good is the alternative?


so the other evening.
one of those glorious nights when the babe is in bed early and you fill up your big tub with scalding water and just soak. i think i was in there for almost an hour. reading my book, cruising the facebook, you know. i get out, get dried off, and then dressed.

and then. i moved a certain way and felt a gush of water in my jammie pants.
WTH.
like water that had apparently gotten all up in my lady bits!!!!!!

that did not happen before having a baby.


so i touched on sex after baby a while ago, mentioning that it was painful.
yes, definitely painful. but what i didn't mention was how weird and awkward it was.

so you're getting ready for sexytimes.
you go in your closet and get into that special bag of skimpy clothing you reserve just for these occasions. you sift through the silks and lace, searching for something that will disguise your baby flabbed stomach. you're dreading the pain that your new ladybits scar will bring when you're getting it on. you're trying on different bras, trying to push up those sad saggy boobies that used to be so perky and nice. you turn around and check out the backside, noting your thunder thighs. you're starting to wonder why he even wants to do this.

enough. you dim the lights and walk out. he oohs and ahhhs and you're like, whatever, i'm too hot for this. you're kissing and all that good stuff. things are getting heated, just in time for you to roll over and realize you have 400 hairs in your mouth. your pregnancy hair is falling out and now it's everywhere. you try to be discrete as you swipe the hairs out of his mouth too. you both gag a little and say 'blehhhh" trying to get hair out of your faces. then as you are removing clothes, you find more hair. then the hair is stuck to the lube. you look down at your body parts and see nothing but flab bouncing around. LOOK AWAY! you want to scream.

"i'm not going to get pregnant right?" you can't help yourself from saying. "because i can't get pregnant ever again! my IUD isn't going to be dislodged right? IS IT GETTING DISLODGED?"

romance abounds.

and then. you're saying, okay. slow. slower. SLOWER! never mind DON'T MOVE AT ALL.

and you're stuck there, sure that your scar is ripping completely open. and you realize that more of your hair is on his face. and you're like, ummmmm does everything still feel.... the same? OR IS THIS LIKE TOSSING A PING PONG BALL DOWN A TUNNEL LARGE ENOUGH FOR A DOUBLE DECKER BUS.

then, just when you're sure this can't be any worse, any more mortifying, your body makes a sound. an awful sound, something that sounds like you FARTING. but no, it's far worse. you know when you were a kid, and they sold those putty things in plastic jars and you would squeeze them and they'd make those gassy sounds? yeah, those sounds are coming out of your cooter. QUEEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

echoing off the sides of your stretched and spliced baby deliverer.

AND THERE IS STILL MORE HAIR EVERYWHERE AND WHEN YOU ROLL OVER TO GET IT OFF, MORE OF THOSE AWFUL SOUNDS COME SQUISHING OUT.

and you're like, I SWEAR I'M NOT FARTING I SWEAR.

which really just adds to the already steamy mood.



eh hem.

of course he is sweet about it, reassures you that you're beautiful, that it's all okay, that everything still is like it was before, that he doesn't mind the mouthful of hair or the slow motion moves.
or those strange noises.

everything will get better with time.


and it does. things shrink, the sounds go away, your hair stops falling out, you lose the baby weight. okay, the boobs are still a bit saggy.

through it all he loves you. he wants you.

but sometimes if you stay in the tub too long, that water pools up.
and when you do jumping jacks in your kickboxing class, you pee a little with each jack.

then your baby discovers one of these laying around the house and plays with it for 20 minutes.

i love travis. he never made me feel gross or embarrassed about anything. he always made sure i knew how much he loved my body, how much he loves me. after going through something like that with your partner, you just have a funny story and you are closer than ever.

and the closer you are, the better you bang.

just keepin' it real.

xo.