how i lost my testimony and found myself, part II

today one of my cousins was sealed to his sweetheart in the temple.
this was the first temple event i wasn't able to attend. travis wasn't home, so i didn't have anyone to watch remy anyway.
i did join the family for the luncheon afterwards though.
when he and his new bride walked in the room, i looked hard at their faces, wondering what their experience in the temple had been like.
i thought back to mine.

growing up in the lds church, you are taught from birth that the ultimate goal is to be sealed to your family in the temple. this is the only way you can be with them forever. i can recite handfuls of primary songs that talk about the importance of entering the temple and participating in the sacred ordinances there. of  course, you don't really learn much about what to expect, besides the sealing ordinance.

and if you are starting to get nervous that i'm going to reveal all the secrets of temple ordinances, rest easy. i may not believe, but i still respect others who do. i'm going to talk about some things in the temple, but nothing i covenanted not to reveal.

growing up, there was enormous pressure to marry in the temple. just about every young women's lesson had some piece that involved being worthy to marry your eternal companion there. i knew i would be married there, no question.

as the time came closer, i wasn't worried. if you were raised in the church, you have heard all the stories about people being "weirded out" by their first experience in the temple. no one ever tells you why, besides that there are rituals that seem strange to our modern culture. but everyone says, "it gets less weird."

i had great faith, so i knew it would be okay. i was excited to finally discover the secrets i'd waited 22 years to learn. i was nervous about the garment thing, but i knew i had to deal with it if i wanted a temple marriage.

travis and i went for interviews with the stake president to declare our worthiness to enter the temple and receive our endowments. we entered the stake president's office together first. this is where things became uncomfortable.

the stake president was an older man, like most stake presidents tend to be. he smiled and was charismatic. then he started making comments, comments like, my eyesight must be bad, because it was a "mormon miracle" that travis and i were engaged. those were his words. he exclaimed about my looks, that i was a beautiful girl. he asked me all about my exercise routines. travis and i exchanged looks several times; we were uncomfortable with this man. i felt like i was being hit on by this leader in our church who was there to interview us for our worthiness. then i was alone in the room with him answering the questions, yes i have a testimony, yes i pay my tithing, yes i keep the law of chastity. he leered at me. i felt uncomfortable.

travis and i were so bothered that we requested to speak to the president of his parents' stake. we told him about the interview and the man just said, "that's strange. he is such a nice man."

that was the end of that. just another awkward encounter with a man in a position of power, making me feel very small.

the day soon came when we were to take out our endowments.
travis was nervous going in. i was calm. until i was standing in a changing room putting on garments for the first time. i had had a terrible time figuring out which size i needed, because you aren't allowed to try any on before being endowed. the ones i had bought were far too small in the waist and i felt like i was being cut in half. deep breaths kept me going. i had so many questions during the initiatory portion. we were late for our session because i kept asking the matron concern after concern. there were beautiful parts, yes, but there were things i was worried about, like the part about my obedience to my husband. i wondered if he was promising to be obedient to me in another room in the temple. i doubted it.

during the endowment session, my heart sunk further.
i had to promise to hearken to my husband, while he promised to hearken to God.

this was long before i identified as a feminist. i hadn't been "indoctrinated" by any secular classes or ideas. this was just me feeling like i was being told "you aren't equal to your husband." there were many other similar things that made me feel like my husband was the boss of me. i was not comfortable with any of this. but what was i supposed to do? i had been promised all my life that this was the only right way, the only way to be with my husband forever. how could i choose between eternity and feeling comfortable? maybe i just didn't have enough faith. there had to be more meaning behind all this.

everyone hugged me. tears were shed when it was all over. i felt that at least i was making my parents and grandparents proud. that had to mean something. but inside i was screaming, doesn't anyone else feel completely freaked out right now??!

the next day travis and i drove downtown to get our marriage license. sitting there in the parking garage with travis, i had a meltdown. "i'm so confused. are we equals? are you my boss?" he assured me that our relationship was still the same as before, that he didn't consider himself above me. i trusted him. i tried to put my fears aside. guests were flying in. arrangements had been made. we had already booked the bluegrass band and the photographer.

i wanted to marry travis. i just wasn't sure about the temple anymore.

the morning of our wedding day, travis picked me up and took me to the temple. i was obsessing over the length of my dress; were my garments peeking through in the back?

before the ceremony, i made several trips to the bathroom to kneel on the floor and ask God if i was doing the right thing.
entering the celestial room with travis was strange. everyone was so happy to see us. on the other hand, i hadn't pictured myself being married in temple clothes.

during the ceremony, i noted that i had to "give myself" to travis while he didn't have to "give himself" to me. he received me. i wondered what that meant. after the sealing, we were speaking to the man who sealed us. he said, "i can tell who is 'the boss' in this relationship." he winked at me and i laughed. then he went on. "but i want you to remember that travis had the priesthood and that he has stewardship."

again, that message that because i am a woman, i am not in charge of myself.

i tried to focus on the beautiful things, like my dad tearing up during the ceremony. my parents were so proud of me. everyone hugged us and loved on us. this had to be right.
this had to be right.

then our honeymoon with the horrible, scary, painful sex and us thinking we were going to get divorced. i've covered this story before.

i tried so hard. i wore my garments day and night. i attended the temple and tried to find meaning in the parts that terrified me. was i less important to God because i am a woman? what did all this mean? i thought that if i was faithful, that someday i would understand. and in the meantime, i was uncomfortable and sad during every session.

of course i didn't really talk about this. i didn't think i was allowed to talk. once, i did ask travis's grandpa about the difference in wording in the sealing ordinance. i didn't much like his answer. "it's because the men have the priesthood."

this has been going on for years. and then i started learning about Ordain Women, a group of active LDS church members who want women to hold the priesthood too. i'm not going to debate this here, because i've heard every argument for and against it. i realized that there were other people out there who felt the same way i did about women being unequal in the church. i wanted to be able to bless my baby on his blessing day.

then these women weren't allowed into the conference center to view the priesthood session.
these women were told there wasn't any room. except that men took pictures of empty seats.
and the next day in conference, a prophet gave a talk about how everyone is welcome, there is a place for you, there is room for you.
unless you are a woman who wants to simply attend priesthood session.

i realized i didn't believe him. all the other conference talks just made me sad and angry. no homosexuality. women should stay in the home with the children. men preside over their families with the priesthood.

then the whole thing about blacks and the priesthood recently.

i realized i don't believe that prophets speak the word of God. i realized i think they are just men who are products of their time and culture. who knows what the church will be like in 50 more years when our generation is running things.

i'm sorry if all these things seem unorganized and jumbled.
it's a lot.
obviously there are lots of details i'm leaving out because i can't get it all out at once.

basically i lost my testimony of prophets.

all this started stacking up. the way my sexual assault was handled, the way i felt during pregnancy and postpartum.

the way when my baby brother was having a tough time with church, the members of the lds church were awful to him.

the way i disagree with a lot of church policies, most of the manuals, and most social issues.

why was i staying in an organization that i didn't really like and that made me feel like less of a human being for being a woman? i realized that if it were any other organization, i would have left a long time ago.

and you know the rest, that i stopped wearing my garments and going to church.

as for what i believe now, that 's part III.

i still believe in God. i've had several experiences with Him that are too real for me to explain away.
i still believe in Jesus and that he died on the cross for me.
that's about where i'm at right now.

 whew.

i'd love to hear your stories of what you believe and why. we are all just human beings who want to make sense of our experiences and feel validated and loved.

thanks for listening.

xo.