Saturday, December 21, 2013

how i lost my testimony and found myself, part I

what a day.

i'm surrounded by gifts i just finished wrapping, scraps of paper, a variety of cookies from the cookie exchange i hosted today, and a bowl of popcorn.

feeling consistently happy is pretty much the best.

it's been tricky to figure out how to write this post. i'm in a really great place now, and when you feel happy it can be hard to explain how you felt during the unhappy times in life. our memories are often tainted by our present state.

plus it's a lot of information, emotion, and history to write down in an organized fashion.
but here goes.


about a month and a half ago, i had a big realization.
i was in the bathroom, fresh out of the shower, trying to decide whether or not to put my garments on.
i had been having the same argument in my head for months, whether or not to wear them, whether or not to stay in a church i wasn't sure i agreed with or believed in. this wasn't a decision i took lightly. i had covenanted to wear my garments both day and night, for the rest of my life. i had learned a lot from wearing them, as i've written about in the past. i never enjoyed wearing them, because they just aren't comfortable, but i was willing to make that sacrifice because i believed.

so standing there in my towel, water dripping on the tile floor, i realized something.

during the two most difficult times in my life, dealing with sexual assault and then my hyperemesis pregnancy and postpartum depression, the lds church didn't help me. not only that, but my involvement in the lds church only made my life harder and sadder.

i pulled my bra over my bare skin and left my garment top sitting on the counter.


you may be wondering how i came to this realization.


rewind ten years. and know that this is really, really hard to talk about.
i was just barely 15 and i knew i was a dirty slut, unworthy of love.
my 10th grade school year had just started and everything was all wrong.
six months earlier, the neighbor boy who i had hoped would be my first kiss, had assaulted me for the first time, and then continued through the summer.
my parents had wondered what was going on with me, as i must have seen different, and they asked me one morning.
i lied to them, because i was afraid. afraid of the boy and what he would do. i didn't even know how to explain what had happened. it wasn't in a dark alley late at night. i wasn't wearing a short skirt. could i be assaulted by a boy i liked? so i told them that i had been doing things with the neighbor boy, who happened to be one of our home teachers.
i went to the bishop to confess my sins.
sitting across from a man i barely knew, mumbling private things. afraid to meet his eyes.
i was pronounced unworthy to take the sacrament.
all the boys involved (he and his friends) and also my best girl friend, were furious with me for telling. they were all in trouble.
he lied. said i was lying.
he was ordained to the office of a priest. he wore a black shirt. everyone in the chapel raised their right hands to the square and supported him.
my parents and i sat in our pew and refused to raise our hands.
he blessed the sacrament that i was unworthy to partake.
i knew i was a dirty whore.

my grandparents bought me a church book about sexual purity. i asked them if they had bought the same book for all my cousins, who are boys. several of them were sexually active at the time.
"oh, i guess that would be a good idea." my grandma said.

i had lesson after lesson about sexual purity and modestly.
i learned that an immodestly dressed girl was walking pornography. learned that it was up to me to help keep priesthood holders worthy, a task at which i had already failed.
at youth conference when we had a water fight at lunch, my bishop told me, "you look like a wet t-shirt contest winner. you need to change your clothes."
i was wearing a yellow t-shirt that covered my shoulders, neck, chest, stomach, hips.
no one told me about rape. no one told me about consent.
this church that i just knew was true, it never taught me how to protect myself. the message i received over and over was that my body was a temptress and that if you messed up sexually, you were a chewed up piece of gum that no one else would ever want.

i knew all the repenting in the world couldn't fix me.

this isn't just my story. i have exchanged this story with countless other women.

so i spent years believing i was damaged goods. even after i came to terms with the assault and realized it wasn't my fault and that i shouldn't have had to go through the repentance process, it still lingered.
every time i went to the temple, i felt like the men checking my recommend were thinking, "she isn't worthy to be here."

and let me explain to you. i took the lds church very seriously. even as a child, i can remember the sacrament being passed and my thoughts straying to school or the book i was reading, and scolding myself for thinking of "worldly things" when i should have been thinking of Jesus.
i prayed long prayers every night, asking forgiveness for every tiny mistake i had made.
as a grade school kid.

i never tried alcohol, coffee, drugs.
i tried not to lie.
i always paid a full tithe.
i read my scriptures and prayed daily.

i followed the rules and took them seriously.

then fast forward to last year during my pregnancy.
i don't need to rewrite how sick and afraid i was.

during those months before i was getting medical help, i was home alone almost every day, and a third of the nights. caring for myself was impossible.

i remember one afternoon, i had thrown up everything i tried to eat. i was too weak to walk up the stairs without holding on to the railing. i was so alone. thinking of the countless visiting teaching stories of sisters coming to the rescue, i sincerely begged God to send someone to my house to help me. i waited, expecting a knock at the door at any moment.

none came.

during my months of absence from the church, no one came looking for me. no one offered to bring the sacrament to me so i could take it weekly. every time i had a priesthood blessing, i would half jokingly ask my dad or travis to bless me to be healed and feel completely better. i was told it didn't always work like that. i wondered why not. what was wrong with my faith, that i couldn't be healed?

i started to doubt those blessings.

there is a well known saying in the lds church about how God never gives you more than you can handle.
i disagree with that.
i don't think God gave me the trial of hyperemesis because he knew i could handle it. i only handled it because it was my only choice, and many times i wished i could miscarry or i considered ending my life. if i didn't have that deadline of my due date and i would have been stuck that way, i would have ended my life.

then i had remington and was so terrified that God would tell me i had to have another child and i would be powerless to decide for myself. i kept thinking, God i can't do this. and then i would hear the well known phrase, "i never said it would be easy. i only said it would be worth it."  after weeks of this, i started to examine why i felt that way. it was because of the many, many stories i had heard of women deciding to have more children like this. they didn't want to, but God told them they should. all the pressure to have children came from hearing things like, "there are spirit children waiting for bodies." i was having panic attacks and feeling such guilt from these thoughts. one of the worst things in the world, not feeling like you are the boss of your own body and your future.

then remington's blessing day.
i had been the person who had suffered to get remy here.
i grew his body at the expense of my health.
i was the one who had postpartum depression and had to stay in a mental hospital. 

and yet i received no public recognition for my hard work.
i wasn't invited to stand in the circle to bless my child.
no one wanted to hear about my experience, the way a missionary is asked to speak.

here i had finally done the thing i was supposed to do as an lds woman, and i was being asked to stay in the background.

everyone was patting travis on the back, wishing him luck, telling him he gave a great blessing.
no one was saying anything like that to me.
just the mother. 

then there are all the social issues i disagree with, which is an entirely different post.

over the summer, at a family barbecue, the subject of the lds church and the boy scouting program came up. i didn't know that the lds church was supportive of the boy scouting policy to not allow gay men to be leaders in boy scouts. it felt like my best friend had punched me in the stomach.

how could this church i believed in and defended support discrimination? what other things were going on that i wasn't aware of? i started thinking that it was crazy for me to belong to an organization that seemed to support the opposite of what i believed in.



fast forward back to the day i stopped wearing my garments.
i left the house wearing "normal" undies and i wasn't struck by lightning. i felt the same. except maybe a little more comfortable in my own skin, knowing i was being true to my feelings.

xo.







8 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. It's easy to blame God or the church when things don't seem right in our lives. Life is not a cake walk for any of us. You may not agree with your church but I believe it is very important to have a personal relationship with God. Don't give up on believing in HIM. He loves you and although your pregnancy was incredibly difficult, you are very lucky to have your baby (this is coming from someone who will never know that blessing). Keep your chin up & know that life is not fair but you are STRONG. :)

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  3. dear collette
    ive been waiting anxiously to read these posts--i always love your writing. yet again you've conveyed your thoughts and feelings in a way that is so relatable, so honest. i have been so so interested to understand the process you've gone through to get you to here, and in all honesty i cannot wait to read about where you're going. i'd be lying if i didn't say my heart's a little broken for you--but it's not just because you've stopped wearing your garments. you already know the covenants you made there. what my heart continues to break for you over is EVERYTHING you have gone through. i wish a mere apology from one soul could somehow undo all the damage that has been done. but truly i am so amazed by your courage and fighting on. yep. you're on meds. yep, you've had to put up with some crazy shiz. and yep, people ask you the most idiotic questions/offer up the most absurd of advice... but you're still here! you're still fighting. still telling the world to shove it, because you are alive. you have a beautiful family, an amazing husband, a wonderful baby, and an incredible life. regardless of baggage. you are one incredible woman, and no one can fault you for following your beliefs. but i'll never stop praying for you. :) so happy you're happy. love you amazing girl. can't wait to see you.

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  4. I love you! I am always here for you and always will be! I am proud to have such a wonderful daughter who has survived through so much. Heavenly Father and Jesus love you so much! "I'll love you forever, my baby you'll be".

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  5. Collette,
    I wish we could talk in person over the shrieking of our babies playing and a cup of (something hot?). I can't fathom my thoughts into sentences right now, but I think what's most important for you to know from me is this:

    I am constantly in awe at your courage. I KNOW how much courage it takes to not only share this story with others, but to be willing to change in the first place. You could have stayed in a "comfortable" place; facing only yourself instead of the judgment of others but instead you followed your own heart and your own feelings - and look what you found! You found peace. You said in your last post you finally feel "authentic." Your word choice really struck me - authenticity is a lost gem in this world, I think, and the more people to find it the better we will be. Thank you for being true to you.

    I'll admit, I have not found enough courage to do the type of inner soul-searching it requires to really find yourself and your place with God and your religion. I often go with the flow because it's easier and I'm content. But I believe that's the part of the story that is important - you were not content, and so you made a change. I am proud of you. You deserve all happiness you can make for yourself in in this life. Life is hard enough as it is, so happy to see you making life your own. I love you.

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  6. Oh, something else I've been meaning to talk to you about. You can either email me or text or FB or whatever. And no rush for an answer, either.

    I was recently made the 2nd counselor in the YW presidency, and you have constantly been on my mind as I have started to interact with these girls. I have, of course, my own teenage experiences to go off, which are filled with "guilt" and bishop confessions and "repentance" and "worthiness" as well, but I need to know how I can avoid the trap you talk about in this post: How do I teach these girls modesty without making them responsible for a male's worthiness? How do I teach them about respecting their bodies without making them feel like a slut if things have happened? How do I properly go about this - damn the way the church teaches us, how do *I* teach them how to be strong women?

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  7. This is beautiful. And not beautiful as in your experiences, but beautifully written. And so raw. And I appreciate that. You are so courageous for questioning everything. So many people still follow what they don't whole-heartedly believe because it is comfortable. I think it is so so sad that you were not able to join the circle of men blessing Remy when YOU are the reason he is here. I walked away from the lds church many years ago and I have never had a stronger relationship with Christ. Rock those normal pannies, and most importantly rock YOU because even though your faith is shaken, God loves you. And you matter. And you're important!

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