christmas and such.

as always, i am completely overwhelmed with your responses from my last post. seriously, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the love and encouragement. 

i haven't touched my beautiful camera in months, for the same reasons i haven't played music, gone to the gym, or been able to do any of the activities that break up the monotony of every day life, too sick and too tired. so all i've got are some low quality pictures from my phone. time to bullet out some catching up from our holidays. 

as the holiday season approached, i felt extremely depressed. i had been certain i'd be over "the hump" (an imaginary term i no longer believe in.) by december and that i'd be able to join in the festivities full throttle. not the case. honestly, i felt pretty bitter about everyone else's christmas break from work and school, wishing i could have a christmas break from being a sick person. i was also really bummed because we weren't going to be celebrating christmas in our new house, something i'd been excited about since moving in. travis was on shift the three days before christmas, and i would be staying at my parents', and don't get me wrong, i was so thankful and happy to be staying with them, but i had just planned so many things for christmas in our house. decorating, baking all sorts of cookies, making our traditional manicotti dinner, opening presents christmas morning in the house of our dreams, just being really idealistic as always. 

instead, the day before travis had to be at the station, we were packing my things so he could drop me off at my parents' while he did our christmas shopping, another thing i felt really bitter about, that i wasn't well enough to be in all the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, something i always look forward too. feeling sorry for myself a little maybe? a lot maybe? i'm only human. we were downstairs in the kitchen and i was grabbing a plate so i could eat a snack. my shaking hands dropped the plate, which smashed to the floor, chipping the wood laminate, and sent shards of china flying everywhere. travis immediately grabbed the broom and started sweeping the slivers, and i completely lost it.

"collette, it's okay! we can fix the floor!" travis soothed. 

i was having a meltdown. 

"i b-broke a nice plate and now the f-floor is ruined and i don't want to eat anything and we c-can't even stay in our own house for christmas!" 

looking back now, it's kind of hilarious in a watching-a-toddler-throw-a-fit kind of way, but at the time, i cried for over twenty minutes, while travis alternated between hugging me and finding more shards of plate. what on earth would i do without him? 

so, as real life often goes, the idealizations i had for christmas weren't meant to be. but it ended up being great in different ways. even though travis was on shift christmas eve, i really enjoyed the charles family party. we always have a music program after dinner and i was unable to sing the song i normally sing, so my mom did it and it was one of those wonderful, rare moments where i remember that there is a purpose to this pregnancy, that someday it will end, and we will meet our sweet son.

the song is called "mary pulled the shawl" and if you are into the Christ part of christmas, you should look it up. 

mary pulled the shawl about her shoulders

and pondered in the darkness what she'd heard.

that she would be the mother 

of a little baby boy

she trembled as new feelings in her stirred.

she would bathe and clothe the little infant. 

sing lullabies and hold him to her breast. 

be there when that first smile,

escaped the holy child. 

and kiss him and she laid him down to rest. 

mary pulled the shawl about her shoulders

and smiled with pride as jesus swept the floor

remembering how tall he'd looked

and wise beyond his years

as he taught the elders by the temple door.

how thankful, mary thought, i am for jesus.

for this son whose spirit grows so sweet and pure.

for the love that is engendered, as mother teaches son.

and feels her love returned so sweet and pure.

mary pulled the shawl about her shoulders

for it was wet from standing in the rain. 

trying to find the reason

for the taking of her son.

and praying for relief from all the pain.

if she could only know

how countless mothers

had prayed for what her son alone could do.

for mary's loss on calvary

would justify all men. 

that every mother's child, 

might be blessed to live again.

and love again, the mother that he knew. 

my mom had always sung this, every christmas eve, and christmas eve my senior year of high school was when i first started to really believe in Jesus Christ, on my own and this song played a big part in it. then, my mom started accompanying me on piano so i could sing it. part of what you do as a singer, is to put yourself in the song so when you sing it, it's believable. obviously this year, i understood mary in a much more personal way. not the whole, you will be bearing and raising the Christchild way, but the being pregnant and wondering what is coming next, way. actually, during many of my long sleepless nights of nausea, i would sing this song to myself over and over and cry, trying to remember the reason i felt to sick, that it would all be worth it in the end. watching my mom sing this song was a rare reminder of what is coming, and also that i believe in a God who loves me, knows my struggles personally, and believes i can get through them.

okay anyway. 

christmas eve was wonderful. and this is getting out of order. christmas eve day i was able to go to the infusion center and get fluids. the infusion center at IMC is located in the cancer building, and it's pretty humbling to meet so many others who have it WAY harder than me. people are strong! 

 it's either cry or make a cheesy thumbs up sign, right?

 my sweet mom, sitting with me for hours, keeping us laughing.

oh and i was actually able to do one thing i love about the holidays, wrap gifts! 

even if everyone else had to go out and purchase them for me. 

i was way too proud of them and way too tired after wrapping them.

 christmas morning, travis got off work and we surprised each other with ipads! 

great minds think alike, right?

also, note the duck onesie. the first thing we bought 

after finding out i was pregnant was a onesie with little 

ducks on it. travis searched high and low to find me something to match. 

christmas day was pretty perfect! i felt nauseous throughout the day, but nothing crazy and no vomiting. i was able to eat my family's traditional christmas dinner, homemade pasta with shrimp and alfredo sauce. (it's amazing how much of a difference it makes when you can eat the same dinner as everyone else at the table.)

we enjoyed spending time with both of our families and relaxing together.

another one from the infusion center. 

every time i go in, the nurses are shocked at how dehydrated i am. 

they had an extra hard time finding a vein that day,

so one nurse made some bows to put over all the spots they tried and missed.

 my sweet guy keeping me company

 new year's eve! 

we had dinner and games with my family and then headed to 

trav's family for movies and snacks. 

some wild times this year. 

glad i spent them all with this dude. 

the holidays next year will be crazy too! we'll have a 7 month old little man scooting around. 

hope your holidays were warm and full of fattening food and family. i didn't get my idealistic christmas and it was probably better that way. learning some pretty good life lessons lately. so thankful for supportive family and friends. 

love you!

xo