i'm having a hard time writing this post.
i don't know how to say all the things that have happened and how i feel about them.
i don't know if i'm ready to process everything that has been suffocated by the sick and tired and helplessness.
reading back through my pregnancy posts, i realize how much i've tried to put a positive spin on things. those posts weren't exactly the most honest telling of how things have been. sometimes when you're going through something hard, admitting how hard it is and how terrified you are is impossible, because then you have to admit everything to yourself.
ramble ramble.
things are still really hard, but it's easier to deal with because i'm getting help and i don't feel so alone anymore. and believe it or not, but some incredible changes have come about because of this whole deal. you know, besides the whole, creating a human life, blah blah blah, thing.
so i'll try to recount everything in an honest way. even though i feel like i'm just whining if i admit how awful the past five months have been.
the last day i posted was the day before my 20 week mark, a sunday afternoon. that night i had a headache, which was pretty normal. we had gone to my parents' for dinner, also normal, because i haven't been able to cook, or handle the smell of cooking in my house. (because then my bedroom smells like whatever travis cooked and i cannot go to sleep because it makes me so sick.) so we left my parents and got home in time for me to choke down a bowl of cereal, quickly brush my teeth, trying not to give into the gag reflex of the toothbrush, and head to bed. my head was pounding, but i hoped it would go away with the night's sleep.
it did not. pain jarred me awake sometime after falling asleep. i checked the clock, 3 am. the pain in my head, eyes, neck, and back alarmed me. intense hunger pains had been waking me for months, but it was too early for my nightly bowl of cereal. i tried laying still for a few minutes, but the pain was too much. i got up to pee, and then headed downstairs, thinking maybe eating would help.
i was too nauseous to eat. finally, i woke up travis who was asleep on the couch, and told him my head hurt more than usual and i was worried i was having a reaction to the zofran. i was laying on the ground in the fetal position crying, while he tried to figure out what would help. he suggested the ER.
"how much is it going to cost?" i whimpered.
he reassured me it would be okay, but i wanted to try other things before going in. he heated up a rice bag to put on my neck to try to relieve tension. no help. he called the ER and talked to the nurse, who informed him headaches are normal for pregnant women and zofran causes migraines. thanks for nothing.
from the beginning of my pregnancy, i was determined not to take any medications for headaches. i have gotten migraines from the time i started puberty, so it was nothing new. plus when i asked a nurse at one of our doctor's appointments, she told me over the counter drugs for headaches are a no-no during pregnancy. so i vowed to grit my teeth and take the pain, even though it seemed to fuel the nausea and vomiting.
i told travis i would just try eating a bowl of cereal and going back to bed and if that didn't work, we could go to the ER. he gave me a priesthood blessing (feel free to email me if you want to know more about that.) and then i choked down three bites of cereal and travis helped me back up the stairs and tucked me in. he laid down behind me and tickled my back. the pain was still getting worse. by 5 am i called my mom, thinking she was probably awake by then. she was, and suggested calling Labor and Delivery and talking to an OB about it. we did that, and were told i could take Lortab. as luck would have it, i had one left from a prescription. i broke my vow of no headache meds and took that Lortab. 20 minutes later, my head was feeling a little better and travis and i were actually making jokes. he started dozing off and suddenly i had the urge to vomit. i stumbled out of bed, lost the feeling in my hands and feet, and completely blacked out on the bathroom floor. (again, with the bathroom floor, right?) my vision started coming back and i crawled to the toilet and violently lost whatever precious little was in my stomach. travis was immediately by my side, waiting as i heaved and heaved and heaved over the toilet. after what seemed like an hour of that, i crumpled on the floor. "come on, collette, you need to drink something." travis was saying. but my body wouldn't seem to work. the room spun and my legs wouldn't support my weight.
the rest of this memory is pretty hazy. i remember travis trying to get me to stand up and that i couldn't stand. i remember him carrying me into the bedroom and his voice sounding frustrated and nervous, urging me to stand up, answer him, look at him. i remember him saying, "okay, we are going to the ER." then i was being scooped up and cradled in his arms and carried down the stairs. i remember saying, "i can't see anything. my contacts." and him going back to grab them. then being carried down the stairs and placed in the car. the cold air from the garage. how he had to buckle my seat belt and i was curled up sideways. then, driving. travis kept talking to me, asking me if i knew what was going on and to tell him how i was doing. he later told me i wasn't making any sense, just mumbling. i can't imagine how terrified he must have felt on that drive, can't imagine the roles being reversed and being the one driving at breakneck speeds, not knowing if the other was okay. he later told me he thought i was having a seizure, because my body was twitching uncontrollably.
then, the car stopped and i was being placed in a wheelchair and pushed through doors. cold air, bumps from going over doorways. a nurse asking me so many questions and being unable to answer. being wheeled forward and into a room. another face hovering over me, saying i had to speak up and answer questions like, how many weeks pregnant are you? what is your name? do you know where you are? and travis answering for me. being placed in a bed, having a needle jabbed in my arm and the pain seeming to wake me up.
my parents came in at some point. a nurse told me they would be testing my blood and giving me fluids. they needed a urine sample. i was starting to come around at this point, but i still couldn't walk, so they wheeled me to the bathroom and travis held me up on the toilet while i filled a plastic cup with my pee and handed it to him. i remember making a joke about how we aren't supposed to have to help each other use the bathroom until we were 90 and him laughing about how my pee got all over his hands. ah, true love, right?
we stayed at the ER for hours waiting on test results. a different doctor came in and did an ultrasound so we could check on the remster meister, and he was doing great, totally unaware of the crazy morning his parents were having. finally, another doctor came in and talked to us. we were sent home with info about dehydration and
hyperemesis gravidarum. they said i hadn't had an official allergic reaction to the lortab, and they weren't sure what was going on, but that my potassium was getting out of whack and that i was dehydrated.
before they would let me leave, i had to prove that i could hold myself up and walk without assistance. this picture was taken after i proudly hobbled around the halls.
a word on being diagnosed with a scary sounding problem
after being told i had hyperemesis gravidarum, i was skeptical. travis's oldest sister suffered with this during both her pregnancies, and the horror stories sounded way more intense that what i have been dealing with. she had to have a PICC line for nutrition and hydration, she threw up 20 times an hour, etc. if i was so sick, why hadn't any of the nurses suggested this when i called in every week, asking if there was anything else i could do for my nausea and vomiting? the lady who cuts my mom's hair had also had hyperemesis, and after hearing my mom describe my pregnancy to her, she said i should be getting fluids and that it sounded a lot like what she went through. my mom had told me this a month before, but i still didn't think i was sick enough.
after being told i did have it, my mom looked it up on the trusty internet. reading through the symptoms, i was shocked at how many i had. there are different levels of severity, mild, moderate, and severe, and i identified with most of the moderate symptoms: sickness that does not subside after first trimester, extreme food aversions, difficulty keeping food or fluids down, headaches, abdominal cramping, dizziness and fainting, sensitivity to loud sounds and bright lights, extreme hunger pains, rapid heart pounding, being unable to complete daily tasks such as showering, cleaning the house, etc. extreme fatigue, vomit consistently yellow with bile, and so on.
this website was amazingly helpful:
{helpher.org} i really related to this paragraph:
" Others think I’m not very sick, but I am. What should I do?
First of all, know that only HG survivors truly understand how you feel. You may have some success in explaining HG to others by suggesting that it is like having food poisoning for weeks (or months). Most people know how miserable and debilitating that can be in just a few days or a week.
Also, keep in mind that if you become isolated due to HG, you may become depressed and/or anxious, especially if HG lasts beyond mid-pregnancy or is very severe. Some HG medications worsen mood as well. This is expected when you are sick, and it is not your fault."
so then several days later, i was vomiting bile and unable to eat. i slowly walked down the stairs, hugging the railing because of how shaky and weak my legs felt. travis told me i needed to eat and drink, and he warmed up some angel hair pasta and slathered some butter on top, the only thing besides cereal i'd been able to eat in weeks. i was standing at the counter when i started getting tunnel vision and becoming dizzy. i fell on the floor and travis was instantly next to me. "come on, babe, you have to eat something or you are going to be sicker." he insisted. i looked at the plate of noodles and felt so helpless, knowing he was right, but being repulsed by the sight of food. when i tried to hold the fork, my hand shook too much to lift it to my mouth. so we sat there on the floor together, travis spoon feeding me while i cried hysterically.
then i laid on the couch while we called the doctor's office together and described to the nurse the symptoms i thought were due to a bladder infection, burning and cramping when i peed. the nurse, who happened to be the mother of one of my old boyfriends and a neighbor in our old neighborhood, asked me if i was still throwing up. yes. was my mouth dry and lips chapped? yes. was my urine a darker yellow? yes. she said the burning could be a symptom of dehydration and suggested i go to Labor and Delivery immediately to get fluids. this was when i started to feel like i wasn't so alone. finally, a nurse had listened and taken me seriously.
travis's sister emily who had HG, along with my mom, met up with us at Labor and Delivery. The three of them convinced a nurse to admit me, even though i wasn't 23 weeks. (IMC L&D considers 23 weeks to be a far enough along to be "viable.") a nurse started me on fluids and took my history, and while my IV was going, an OB came in to talk to us. at first, i was getting the same song and dance i've been getting from the nurses at my doctor's office. "well, some women are just sick the whole time, it's pretty normal." the doctor wasn't listening to anything i said and as usual, i felt too tired and sick to fight an "authority."
this time, i wasn't alone. the minute that doctor started interrupting me, emily, my mom, and travis, sat up a little straighter and told that doctor what was what. emily told him about her struggle with HG and made sure he understood that i needed help. the three of them sitting there, being on my team, i can't explain what that meant. even though i was still sick, still scared, at least i wasn't alone.
since then, everything is better. the sweet nurse who recommended i get fluids, got me all set up at the infusion center at IMC to get fluids as often as i need to. i go every two to three days. my arms are covered in bruises, but i am feeling so much better. i'm now taking pepcid and zofran with breakfast and dinner, and phengren before bed. the headaches are less and it's been nine days since i've thrown up. it's getting easier to eat and i already feel strength returning to my legs. i can't describe how thankful i am to that nurse, to emily, and to travis and my parents for taking care of me.
a word on feeling too helpless and tired to fight for yourself
unless you have gone through this, you don't understand. i have heard everything from, "if you just take a shower and get ready, you'll feel better." to "you just need something to distract you." to "drink some sprite!" to "all it takes is good nutrition. you can overcome all symptoms of nausea if you eat right." it's impossible to explain to someone why you are terrified to drive, why it's so hard to take a shower, why you are afraid to be alone, how frightening it is to wake up in the morning feeling horrible, knowing you have to eat something or it will get worse, eating something and then throwing it up, running out of things you can choke down because you have thrown them up too many times, not being able to cook something for yourself because the smell and heat of the stove make you throw up, and how it feels to be trapped in a body that refuses to work properly. plus the worry of your baby. if i'm not eating, what does that mean for remington? i'm a bad mother because i can't keep down prenatals. eating in a restaurant doesn't work because of all the smells, the energy it takes to be in public, what if the food you chose comes and you can't eat it. going over to someone else's house and you can't handle the smell of what they cooked for dinner or the smell of their dog sitting in the corner and trying to be polite and cheerful when all you want to do is curl up and die.
all this takes a toll and it becomes too hard to fight for yourself. you keep calling the nurse and she keeps telling you nausea during pregnancy is normal. saying, well i haven't gained any weight in over a month and i can't eat anything and being told, just keep trying. you feel all alone and trapped and starving but unable to care for yourself. family and friends don't know what to say or do.
it's just hard.
after going to church with my parents (who i stay with when travis goes to the fire department) and being told over and over, you look so pale! you don't look well!
what a week of vomit free living looks like. travis and i went to the mall and ate at a restaurant that night! the food tasted good!
the moral of the story: doctors don't know anything, they just guess a lot. life is really hard sometimes. it's easy to be overlooked if you don't put up a fuss. let people help you when you can't help yourself.
i'm thankful for that terrible migraine that led to us going to the ER. i'm thankful to have insurance and access to medical care. i'm thankful for nine days without throwing up. i'm thankful for that breakfast burrito complete with ham that i was able to eat the other day. i cried the entire time i ate it.
i'm thankful for this pregnancy proving something really important to me: i am not alone.
xo
