week 12

week 12.

sucked.

i don't have a more colorful way of saying it. especially because i gave up swears the day we got the positive pregnancy test.

(if you are sick and tired of hearing how about how sick and tired i am, don't worry, week 13 has taken a turn for the better. hopefully this is the last vomit post. knocking on wood.)

week 12 was the week i was too sick to leave the house for three days straight. i couldn't drive myself anywhere, because driving and puking simultaneously doesn't work.

the small list of foods i am able to manage eating shrunk to extra sharp cheddar cheese and cinnamon toast crunch cereal.

by the way, something i wasn't expecting to have to deal with are my extreme food aversions. i expected to have wacky cravings, but i haven't even really had much of that. it's not that i'm craving a certain food, it's that i can't seem to find any foods i can stand to eat, or worse, smell. i have a sensitive schnoz anyway, but since becoming pregnant, i can't handle the smell of anything. i bought a pair of new black boots a few weeks ago and the first night with them in my room, i couldn't sleep because the new shoe smell was making me gag. i had to get up take them out of the room. i'll walk into my parents' house and the smell of whatever they are cooking sends me straight to the toilet to retch. i haven't been able to cook for months, because whenever i cook, something about the heat of the stove/oven plus the smell always makes me throw up. travis's deodorant makes me sick. anytime travis comes in from working anywhere, the smell of gasoline, or fire station, or wood shop makes me gag.

the ironies of pregnancy make me so angry.

at a time you actually need the extra calories, you can't eat anything, which makes you sicker. yeah, the old me who was slightly fatter is seriously peeved about this. 

or how about, here, enjoy having the nicest, perkiest boobs of your life. oh but sorry, they are going to ache and be far too sore to enjoy them. in fact, don't plan on ever being intimate with your husband ever again.

oh also, what's up with all the lower back pain i'm feeling? isn't that supposed to come later when i'm lugging a bowling ball around? and i'm really enjoying the sciatic nerve pain shooting up my butt cheeks, the pain i only used to feel when i pushed it too hard running. yeah, i haven't been able to exercise like that in several months either, which is making me crazy.

week 12 is the week i discovered my least favorite food to puke, which is boiled eggs. tiny vomit flavored egg chunks stuck in my nose, yummo.

i have to document all these details for myself because a few months after giving birth, my brain is going to release hormones that will actually make me forget how awful all this was. and honestly i'm not sure i will ever be doing this again.

please don't tell me that i will because my rage is a scary thing right now.
no really, just ask travis.

week 12. i was so exhausted that i sneezed green all over my arm, stared at it, and decided it was too hard to get up to clean it off. so it dried there, all crusty. this exhaustion is like nothing i've ever known. after puking your guts, kidneys, and liver out, and having vomit splashed all up in your hair, you don't even care. which is bad because the smell makes you sicker. but showering is pretty much the hardest because you have to stand the whole time, plus the hot air makes you throw up more into the shower.

i am so thankful that all our family planning, all $700 worth of IUD worked for us, because if this had happened while i was in school, i'm pretty sure i would have quit. i couldn't have handled the two hour a day train commute, (seriously, where would i have thrown up?) trying to find something to eat on campus between classes, plus the enormous stress of coursework.

i am so thankful for my mom, that she lives twenty minutes away, and how wonderful she has been through all of this. while working a full time (plus some) job and taking care of her own life, she finds time to come to my house, clean, and i mean scrubbing toilets and vacuuming clean, cook for me, bring groceries, and comfort me through my vomit fits. i've lost track of the number of times i've cried on her shoulder, her stroking my back and reassuring me that everything will be okay again. she is the most amazing person to me, always always giving to others. i hope i can be a piece of what a wonderful mother she is.

i am so thankful for travis. pregnancy has been really hard emotionally on me. i've had a hard time opening up to travis about it all, partly because i'm grossed out by how gross i am right now, and partly because he doesn't understand and he never totally will, as he has never been through this. i am thankful for his patience and willingness to do whatever i need. i'm thankful for how hard he works, especially because i'm not working and i'm not sure i could handle working right now. he has probably seen the worst of me during all this, being angry, saying awful things, crying, yelling, giving up, and being weak. anytime i head to the toilet to puke, he's right behind me, encouraging me, holding my hair, and trying to make me laugh. he's gone to five different stores to try to find something i could choke down. he hasn't even slept in our bed for over a month, because i am such a light sleeper now and he was making it impossible for me to stay asleep. so he sleeps on the couch. he makes it a point to kiss and hug me every day, reminding me i'm human, an amazing feat, because i'm about as cuddly as a rabid porcupine right now.

i'm thankful for prayer. if you could hear my mind, it would sound like this every few hours. heavenly father, thank you that i made it through the last few hours. please help me to get through the next few. the times times my stomach was rolling with hunger, but i've been too nauseous to eat. heavenly father, i need to eat something but i'm too sick. please either let me throw up, or feel better. and seconds later, i'm doubled over puking. and then i can eat. i'm thankful to have faith in a god who cares about my hour to hour physical suffering and gets me through it all.

as much as the last few months have sucked, i'm trying to find that silver lining, and i've found that i am loved, even at my worst.

here's the 12 week picture, the one day i got dressed. 

a little belly action going! 

peace out week 12! 13 is already looking up. 

xo