a true love post

i want to say a few things about travis.

although i could probably write an entire blog about him and our relationship, (oh wait, they have those right? married blogs?) i try not to only talk about him, because this is not a married blog. it's not a "travis and collette" blog. i started this blog before i ever even could guess travis and i would end up together. but obviously, travis is a giant part of my life, so he's bound to come up every now and then. *smile.

also, i take no issue with married blogs. also, i've said "blog" so many time that it doesn't look like a word anymore.

back to travis.

it's so wild to me how deeply you can know a person. there are levels. as previously stated, one of my biggest fears is that no one will ever know me completely. it's probably a fear of mine because i have had a hard time keeping close friends over long periods of time, and as most little girls (or at least the girls in my circles) learn, you have to have a best friend to keep track of who you are, so that when you need help or something big happens, you have someone who knows all your history and can fully appreciate your situation. well, i didn't have that kind of a long term friend growing up. it didn't help that i dated an outrageous amount of boys and the one boy i did go crazy for ended up breaking mah heart. ok, enough of this collette.

basically, i have a hard time opening up to people and have been disappointed time and time again. it wasn't any different with travis. when we first started dating, he kept telling me i had to open up, or we couldn't progress. turns out, even now that we're married, i still have a hard time with this. the people i loved most kind of broke me for awhile, so it's hard to believe that won't happen again. (oh jeeze, sound like a high school girl much?)

but, turns out travis is a magician. or at least really patient, caring, loving, and good at making me feel comfortable. needed.

i had a really bad night a few weeks ago. i felt angry at anyone who had ever hurt me. angry at myself. i couldn't sleep. i was in a really dark place, just not seeing the point to this life. in the middle of the night, i jumped out of bed and told travis i was going for a walk. he asked if he could come and we went for a long walk, where i fumed and stormed. when we finally got home, i started to cry. it was an alarming amount of crying, to the point where travis asked if we should call someone. my choice place of crying is in the bathroom, on the floor. travis sat there on that dirty bathroom floor with me and let me cry. he killed the spider who decided to join us. he brought me more toilet paper to blow my nose. he held onto me and just let me feel everything. and then when i could finally talk again, he asked me to tell him what i was thinking about.

and i told him. i told him everything. even the really bad, petty, hopeless, angry things i didn't want to tell anyone, ever. instead of looking shocked or judging, he offered really good advice.

about a month ago, the night before i turned 23, i had another rough night. i was angry at the boy i thought i loved a long time ago, because i am always the bad guy. (this is a really long story and i'll have to tell it sometime.) basically, he went on a mission and i didn't wait. and while i wasn't waiting, i realized he wasn't good for me and that he hadn't actually treated me all that great.

well, i had a really big sack full of letters he wrote me while he was gone. when he came home and things didn't work out, i couldn't let myself throw all those letters away. they represented four years of loving someone and of a lot of growing up. those letters had been sitting in the basement of our house. travis knew what they were, but he didn't bother me about them. i would actually think about those letters a lot, because i knew they needed to go, but i couldn't bring myself to throw away that part of my life.

so that night, before my birthday, i told travis, "i need to burn some stuff."

and we lit up a huge bonfire.

travis helped me burn hundreds of letters.

those are just two examples of how i know travis loves me. what kind of man is comfortable with listening to his wife cry about how much a previous boyfriend hurt and is still hurting her, without being uncomfortable or jealous or feeling insecure?

not to mention letting his dog go live on a farm in idaho and buying me my doodle, working long weeks so i can finish my degree, and so many other little things he does to make me happy.

it's been incredible to come to understand travis better and to let him know me. i don't know how i ever got along without him.

:) hope this makes at least a little sense.