being brave

about a month ago, i became myself again.
i used to pride myself on a my ability to say what was on my mind.
then i got married. and worried all the time. what did people think about me being married? (they didn't care.) what if i offended travis's family when my opinions were different, and they frequently are. was my dad proud of me? did my mom think i mooched off their food too much and that i should grow up and cook more?

i stopped being brave. i started keeping things bottled up inside instead of just saying them out loud. i assumed that people were thinking the worst of me all the time and became very defensive. i stopped defending my beliefs and myself.

surprise! i became very unhappy with myself.

for about 5 months, i even lost the ability to sing in my high range. (which has never happened except for once when my confidence was shaken for a week.) every time i tried to go past a D, my voice cracked. i thought i was going crazy. turns out my ability to sing is intimately tied to my confidence and self love.

well, after i spoke up to that woman on trax, something inside me just kind of, broke loose.

a family member harrassed me about never coming to events. instead of apologizing, i said what i thought.
i went to church today without wearing any makeup.
i said what i thought to that ex boyfriend who blames me for everything and writes ridiculous songs about me and then plays shows where everyone knows what he is talking about. (i promise to tell this story soon.)

and i am now posting my pre-accutane pictures for all the world (the 20 people who read this blog) to see. plus, if you suffer with acne, maybe these will help you figure out how to treat it.

before i started accutane, nov. 2009

also, my face was a bit more round 20 pounds ago.

if you've never had to deal with acne, this might seem silly to you. but waking up every morning to find giant red erruptions, is very depressing. i have had acne since i was in 6th grade. the boys in my class used to chase me around, yelling for me to pop the pimples i had on my chin. in 7th grade, a boy told me to get some clearasil. this harrassment doesn't go away as we get older.
i have washed my face every night since i was 12 years old without missing a single night.
i have tried every over-the-counter cream, miracle bursting facewash, useless topical prescription, chemical peels, proactive, $50 bucks a pop makeup counter-false-hope there is.
once, i even went to a very shady "second hand shop" in sugarhouse and bought pills that supposedly cleared up your skin.
the instructions for the pills were in chinese.
i still have no idea what i put in my body with those.
when i went away to college, the acne doubled. tripled. sharing a room with a gorgeous girl and her flawless skin didn't help my insecurity. i used to get up earlier than anyone else so i could apply the chockloads of foundation to hide my skin.
i used to sneak down the stairwells (most people used the elevators) to go tanning to burn the zits off. (that doesn't work, by the by.)
once, a group of people who lived in our appartment complex were going hiking. i was invited, but my skin was extra bad, so i said i was busy. my roommates cooked a big breakfast for the guys, and they were all in the kitchen having a great time. i had to pee, but didn't want to have to face anyone without makeup on. so i laid in my bed, clenching my parts so i wouldn't pee the bed. because i had to wait for them to leave before i could use the bathroom.
i have declined countless adventures i so wanted to do: hikes, dates, early morning sunrises, star parties, swimming, working out, running 5Ks, anything involving red-eye flights, and you get the idea.
when travis and i were first dating, he invited me to go play raquetball with him in the morning. i said maybe, and then when he called me to confirm our date, i ignored his 3 phone calls. because i didn't know how to say, "sorry, i have oozing pimples and huge pores, and i just don't feel comfortable letting you see them in all their red glory. i only value myself if i'm pretty, so how on earth could you ever love me?"
he wouldn't have understood then.
in fact, i used to only kiss him when it got dark, because i didn't want him to see my face after the makeup had been rubbed off. he honestly thought that i didn't want to see him while we kissed, because i didn't find him attractive.
i have a million of these stories. having acne is really hard. i knew i could never get serious with a guy until it was gone, because there was no way anyone was seeing me without make up on, which by the way, used to take me 45 minutes to apply.
then a miracle happened. i decided to finally just take the plunge and get on accutane, internet horror stories be damned! there is a lot of hype about accutane causing depression and much damage to internal organs, but it is just hype. i promise. i had never found a derm who actually listened to me, until i met mark pulver. i told him i was so tired of acne, and he suggested accutane.
it's intense. you have to take monthly pregnancy and blood tests. (because if you get pregnant on accutane, your babies will be born without ears.) your skin dries out until it cracks and bleeds. your ears scab. you scalp peels. you sunburn easily. you have to put aquaphor on your lips literally every 15 minutes, otherwise they chap and burn.
worth it.
plus the packaging is hilarious.
after the first month, my skin was already doing better. by month 3, all that was left were scars. by 5, it was gone.
it changed my whole life. i wouldn't have been brave enough to go to the gym and lose 30 pounds. i wouldn't have married travis. i wouldn't go to the pool, early morning classes, late nights with friends, etc. it even makes a simple thing like a haircut easier. (when you have makeup on, the hair sticks to your face. the water from the shampoo smears it...you get the idea.) my entire life is easier. i am so grateful that i was able to take accutane. it's amazing to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not worry about the lighting making your skin look worse. it's amazing to be able to not wear makeup and to go to the grocery store without being afraid of running into someone you used to know.
if you struggle with acne, don't be scared off by internet stories about accutane. i can tell you, it works.

also, it's really nice to be back to my old self. i never thought i would EVER show anyone these pictures. it's really empowering to just be honest, yeah?

:) if you have any questions regarding skin care or accutane, please email me: collette.charles7@gmail.com