must read

after writing that post last night, i realized i forgot something vital.

this book is the bible of all things skincare and makeup.

the skin care business makes billions of dollars

off of fancy packaging and advertisments.

don't be sucked in! do your research and know what

you're putting on your skin!

i used to sell lancome makeup at macy's.

i made a pretty decent commission.

after reading this book, i couldn't sell the skincare anymore.

because it's full of fragrance and oils that are bad

for skin and just mask the problems.

i would refer my customers to clinique or este lauder.

seriously, read the labels of your lotions and face washes.

it will help!

being brave

about a month ago, i became myself again.
i used to pride myself on a my ability to say what was on my mind.
then i got married. and worried all the time. what did people think about me being married? (they didn't care.) what if i offended travis's family when my opinions were different, and they frequently are. was my dad proud of me? did my mom think i mooched off their food too much and that i should grow up and cook more?

i stopped being brave. i started keeping things bottled up inside instead of just saying them out loud. i assumed that people were thinking the worst of me all the time and became very defensive. i stopped defending my beliefs and myself.

surprise! i became very unhappy with myself.

for about 5 months, i even lost the ability to sing in my high range. (which has never happened except for once when my confidence was shaken for a week.) every time i tried to go past a D, my voice cracked. i thought i was going crazy. turns out my ability to sing is intimately tied to my confidence and self love.

well, after i spoke up to that woman on trax, something inside me just kind of, broke loose.

a family member harrassed me about never coming to events. instead of apologizing, i said what i thought.
i went to church today without wearing any makeup.
i said what i thought to that ex boyfriend who blames me for everything and writes ridiculous songs about me and then plays shows where everyone knows what he is talking about. (i promise to tell this story soon.)

and i am now posting my pre-accutane pictures for all the world (the 20 people who read this blog) to see. plus, if you suffer with acne, maybe these will help you figure out how to treat it.

before i started accutane, nov. 2009

also, my face was a bit more round 20 pounds ago.

if you've never had to deal with acne, this might seem silly to you. but waking up every morning to find giant red erruptions, is very depressing. i have had acne since i was in 6th grade. the boys in my class used to chase me around, yelling for me to pop the pimples i had on my chin. in 7th grade, a boy told me to get some clearasil. this harrassment doesn't go away as we get older.
i have washed my face every night since i was 12 years old without missing a single night.
i have tried every over-the-counter cream, miracle bursting facewash, useless topical prescription, chemical peels, proactive, $50 bucks a pop makeup counter-false-hope there is.
once, i even went to a very shady "second hand shop" in sugarhouse and bought pills that supposedly cleared up your skin.
the instructions for the pills were in chinese.
i still have no idea what i put in my body with those.
when i went away to college, the acne doubled. tripled. sharing a room with a gorgeous girl and her flawless skin didn't help my insecurity. i used to get up earlier than anyone else so i could apply the chockloads of foundation to hide my skin.
i used to sneak down the stairwells (most people used the elevators) to go tanning to burn the zits off. (that doesn't work, by the by.)
once, a group of people who lived in our appartment complex were going hiking. i was invited, but my skin was extra bad, so i said i was busy. my roommates cooked a big breakfast for the guys, and they were all in the kitchen having a great time. i had to pee, but didn't want to have to face anyone without makeup on. so i laid in my bed, clenching my parts so i wouldn't pee the bed. because i had to wait for them to leave before i could use the bathroom.
i have declined countless adventures i so wanted to do: hikes, dates, early morning sunrises, star parties, swimming, working out, running 5Ks, anything involving red-eye flights, and you get the idea.
when travis and i were first dating, he invited me to go play raquetball with him in the morning. i said maybe, and then when he called me to confirm our date, i ignored his 3 phone calls. because i didn't know how to say, "sorry, i have oozing pimples and huge pores, and i just don't feel comfortable letting you see them in all their red glory. i only value myself if i'm pretty, so how on earth could you ever love me?"
he wouldn't have understood then.
in fact, i used to only kiss him when it got dark, because i didn't want him to see my face after the makeup had been rubbed off. he honestly thought that i didn't want to see him while we kissed, because i didn't find him attractive.
i have a million of these stories. having acne is really hard. i knew i could never get serious with a guy until it was gone, because there was no way anyone was seeing me without make up on, which by the way, used to take me 45 minutes to apply.
then a miracle happened. i decided to finally just take the plunge and get on accutane, internet horror stories be damned! there is a lot of hype about accutane causing depression and much damage to internal organs, but it is just hype. i promise. i had never found a derm who actually listened to me, until i met mark pulver. i told him i was so tired of acne, and he suggested accutane.
it's intense. you have to take monthly pregnancy and blood tests. (because if you get pregnant on accutane, your babies will be born without ears.) your skin dries out until it cracks and bleeds. your ears scab. you scalp peels. you sunburn easily. you have to put aquaphor on your lips literally every 15 minutes, otherwise they chap and burn.
worth it.
plus the packaging is hilarious.
after the first month, my skin was already doing better. by month 3, all that was left were scars. by 5, it was gone.
it changed my whole life. i wouldn't have been brave enough to go to the gym and lose 30 pounds. i wouldn't have married travis. i wouldn't go to the pool, early morning classes, late nights with friends, etc. it even makes a simple thing like a haircut easier. (when you have makeup on, the hair sticks to your face. the water from the shampoo smears it...you get the idea.) my entire life is easier. i am so grateful that i was able to take accutane. it's amazing to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not worry about the lighting making your skin look worse. it's amazing to be able to not wear makeup and to go to the grocery store without being afraid of running into someone you used to know.
if you struggle with acne, don't be scared off by internet stories about accutane. i can tell you, it works.

also, it's really nice to be back to my old self. i never thought i would EVER show anyone these pictures. it's really empowering to just be honest, yeah?

:) if you have any questions regarding skin care or accutane, please email me: collette.charles7@gmail.com

pitchas and a few words

hanging out with my beautiful friend.
and my lazy eye.
but seriously, liana is mah rock!

watching my brother's kickball game with my puppy

sometimes travis does this with his hair after he showers.
it's amazing.

another one of travis in his handsome v-neck.

jeeze, another one of travis. how adorable is he in his fishing gear?

my daddy

rock climbing in american fork canyon. i'm getting braver.

started a new semester of school and found some high waisted pants.

my charlie d00d.

picked huckleberries in island park and then had wholewheat huckleberry pancakes. mmmm

been working on my guns

trimmed my baby's face hairs

livin' it up and getting dirty

insert foot in mouth, rinse and repeat

obviously, travis is at work and i'm supposed to be doing homework. otherwise, i wouldn't write two ridiculously long blog posts in one day. but some funny stuff happened last weekend and i figured i should document.

i have a small problem. some know it as the "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. it appears to be getting worse as time goes on.

disgusting.

not only do i frequently put my foot in my mouth, i am getting worse about just blurting out what's on my mind. enjoy a few of my recent experiences starting with the most recent:

as i have expressed, i'm getting pretty frustrated with selling our house. it's becoming almost a sensitive topic. so this morning on our walk with charlie, when our sweet old neighbor said, "i guess you're not leaving us yet?" i answered, rather curtly, "we're trying!" she didn't say anything else and travis gave me the look.

noice.

a few days ago i was heading home from school. the train was extra crowded and as we shuffled in, the entire train was greeted by the rantings of an angry woman. "get out of the way! i have to be able to see my kids!" the poor soul stepped out of the way, only for her to yell, "ow! now you're on my left toe!" she turned to her friend and whined, loudly enough for everyone to hear, about how uncomfortable she was. we were practically standing on each other and as the train sped down toward the city, everyone jerked forward and back. her friend said, " i think there was more space in the first train." to which the angry woman replied, "then why did everyone get on this one?" she was still speaking in her outside voice, meaning for us to hear how upset she was.

naturally, i opened my mouth and called out, "because we were all waiting in line for this one!"

she looked shocked that i had said anything. but i didn't stop there.

"you say you're uncomfortable, but you're the one sitting in a seat; we're all standing on top of each other. so maybe you should just keep your mouth shut."

everyone on the train looked amazed. a few quiet chuckles escaped. the woman looked to her friend for support and then stammered, "well i wasn't talking to you, so maybe you should mind your business."

to which i replied, "everyone on this train can hear you complaining, so it is my business."

awkward... luckily her stop was long before mine, because the way she and her friend kept whispering and pointedly looking at me, i know she would have kicked my ash.

moving on to last weekend.

travis and i joined my family for a little getaway in island park, idaho, where my grandparents own a cabin. my mom and i dropped the guys off for a long day of fishing and then we headed out to the idaho state fair. great time, blah blah. by the time we went to retrieve the menfolk and their boat, it was dark out. while my mom (so i thought) was backing up the trailer into the dock, i walked down to say hi to travis. i was standing above on the dock and called down to him. he was talking to a medium height, bald man, who could only be my father. i made a joke and the man laughed. while he was laughing, he put a cigarette into his mouth and lit up.

"dad!? are you smoking a cigarette!?" i asked in a very loud, concerned voice and then realized-

"are you my dad?"

he was not.

ok, now let's go back another few months.

one of my favorite cousins was in town and was bringing her boyfriend over to meet the family. i was really excited to see her and to meet this guy she had told me all about. so we meet him, it's going great, and he seems like a great guy. then my dad asks him what he does for work.

"i weld potato beds."

only it sounded more like, "ahh waalld poe tae tah bades." pretty heavily accented.

well if you know me well, you know that i am constantly speaking in different accents, because i think it's hilarious. i even teach sunday school in a russian accent sometimes.

so, when her boyfriend says this, naturally, i repeat what he said, only i accent it like, a hundred times more heavily, so that i sound like a completely uneducated farmer. oh and really loudly too, like when some people are trying to get hispanic people to understand english by yelling.

"AHH WAAALLD POE TAE TAH BAAADES."

silence.

until my mom scolds, "collette!" and my dad mercifully changes the subject, and travis gives me the look.

turns out the boyfriend had just returned from a mission in texas, and the accent was probably heavily influenced by this fact.

it's not all bad, this foot in mouth business.

turns out i laugh all the time.




(if this cousin happens to read this, i'm really sorry if i hurt any feelings. it was not intended. i don't have a problem with texan accents and was only trying to bond with the boyfriend.)

a true love post

i want to say a few things about travis.

although i could probably write an entire blog about him and our relationship, (oh wait, they have those right? married blogs?) i try not to only talk about him, because this is not a married blog. it's not a "travis and collette" blog. i started this blog before i ever even could guess travis and i would end up together. but obviously, travis is a giant part of my life, so he's bound to come up every now and then. *smile.

also, i take no issue with married blogs. also, i've said "blog" so many time that it doesn't look like a word anymore.

back to travis.

it's so wild to me how deeply you can know a person. there are levels. as previously stated, one of my biggest fears is that no one will ever know me completely. it's probably a fear of mine because i have had a hard time keeping close friends over long periods of time, and as most little girls (or at least the girls in my circles) learn, you have to have a best friend to keep track of who you are, so that when you need help or something big happens, you have someone who knows all your history and can fully appreciate your situation. well, i didn't have that kind of a long term friend growing up. it didn't help that i dated an outrageous amount of boys and the one boy i did go crazy for ended up breaking mah heart. ok, enough of this collette.

basically, i have a hard time opening up to people and have been disappointed time and time again. it wasn't any different with travis. when we first started dating, he kept telling me i had to open up, or we couldn't progress. turns out, even now that we're married, i still have a hard time with this. the people i loved most kind of broke me for awhile, so it's hard to believe that won't happen again. (oh jeeze, sound like a high school girl much?)

but, turns out travis is a magician. or at least really patient, caring, loving, and good at making me feel comfortable. needed.

i had a really bad night a few weeks ago. i felt angry at anyone who had ever hurt me. angry at myself. i couldn't sleep. i was in a really dark place, just not seeing the point to this life. in the middle of the night, i jumped out of bed and told travis i was going for a walk. he asked if he could come and we went for a long walk, where i fumed and stormed. when we finally got home, i started to cry. it was an alarming amount of crying, to the point where travis asked if we should call someone. my choice place of crying is in the bathroom, on the floor. travis sat there on that dirty bathroom floor with me and let me cry. he killed the spider who decided to join us. he brought me more toilet paper to blow my nose. he held onto me and just let me feel everything. and then when i could finally talk again, he asked me to tell him what i was thinking about.

and i told him. i told him everything. even the really bad, petty, hopeless, angry things i didn't want to tell anyone, ever. instead of looking shocked or judging, he offered really good advice.

about a month ago, the night before i turned 23, i had another rough night. i was angry at the boy i thought i loved a long time ago, because i am always the bad guy. (this is a really long story and i'll have to tell it sometime.) basically, he went on a mission and i didn't wait. and while i wasn't waiting, i realized he wasn't good for me and that he hadn't actually treated me all that great.

well, i had a really big sack full of letters he wrote me while he was gone. when he came home and things didn't work out, i couldn't let myself throw all those letters away. they represented four years of loving someone and of a lot of growing up. those letters had been sitting in the basement of our house. travis knew what they were, but he didn't bother me about them. i would actually think about those letters a lot, because i knew they needed to go, but i couldn't bring myself to throw away that part of my life.

so that night, before my birthday, i told travis, "i need to burn some stuff."

and we lit up a huge bonfire.

travis helped me burn hundreds of letters.

those are just two examples of how i know travis loves me. what kind of man is comfortable with listening to his wife cry about how much a previous boyfriend hurt and is still hurting her, without being uncomfortable or jealous or feeling insecure?

not to mention letting his dog go live on a farm in idaho and buying me my doodle, working long weeks so i can finish my degree, and so many other little things he does to make me happy.

it's been incredible to come to understand travis better and to let him know me. i don't know how i ever got along without him.

:) hope this makes at least a little sense.