the dog un-whisperer

i'm supposed to be doing research for my last final due this thursday. instead i'm doing this, guiltily, so i'll try to keep it short.

basically this afternoon i felt like getting outside and doing some yard work. the rosebushes in the back had grown like 8 feet tall so i took the clippers to them. an hour later i had blood dripping down my legs and had killed 2 spiders, but the bushes are considerably smaller. i was looking around admiring my mad gardening skills, when i noticed travis's dog, roxy, looking forlornly at me from her pen in the back. please let me out she seemed to beg.

in case you don't know, roxy and i have a terrible relationship. i have cursed, hit, abused and hated on her just as much as she has been a huge sock eating, puking, pooping, babypuppy abusing shit to me. but because she is travis's dog, i have tried my best to make friends. and she looked so sad sitting there and the weather is so nice out, i thought, i'll put her on her leash and let her out for a bit.

something else you should know about roxy. when travis is around, she's an angel. when travis is gone, she runs away and i have to chase her. in the past, this has allowed the neighbors to see me at my finest, classiest moments, like when i run down the street in my sweats and scream curse words and also for my bishop to witness me choking her and beating her while yelling at him, "i hope this dog gets hit by a car!" and if you're thinking, oh sad, collette beats animals and is pretty much the cruelest person ever, let me just say that i love animals, but roxy, she is not of this earth.

so today, i had somehow forgotten all roxy put me through last winter and though i'd let her out. i prepared her leash and tied it to the tree in advance, i had figured out her chain collar, now all i had to do was get it around her neck before she ran away from me. it started well; i got the chain on her and was trying to tie her up, when she started jumping and the chain was slipping off her neck. i was sitting on her and she started panicking, probably thinking i was trying to hurt her, and she got really aggressive with me, i freaked out and she slipped out of her chain and was gone.

oh great.

so i started chasing her down the street, where she was running circles around an ancient man doing yardwork. she stopped to take a HUGE green dump in the neighbor's yard, but was off again. i'm not as fast as she is, so i was hoping to corner her somewhere. instead, she veered right into another neighbor's, (and conveniently enough, ex boyfriend of mine) driveway. i heard the sounds of dogs fighting and then a woman screaming. i upped my pace to a sprint and found that roxy had run straight into their kitchen. (apparently their front door was open.) roxy was fighting/playing with their dog and the screams were coming from the pregnant wife, and who could blame her. roxy saw me coming and tried to escape capture by running for the stairs. at this point, i was done playing games. i took a running start, and then a magnificent leap through the air, landing right on top of her back and straddling her.

this was the tackle of all tackles. if i were a pro linebacker, this would have been replayed on espn repeatedly. i would have won an award. you get the idea.

i turn around to see my old flame and his pregnant wife staring at me and was brought back to the embarrassment of reality. roxy and i did the walk of shame home while i considered turning her into this.

the worst part of the whole thing: i almost didn't go after roxy and really considered telling travis she was abducted, while hoping she would get hit by a car. does rat poison work on dogs too? ...


go ahead, call peta on me.