same old new.

so it would appear that along with many other parts of being a "mommy" i also suck at mommy blogging- keeping up with our life through my blog, talking about remy's phases, blah blah blah.
to me "mommy" things are a lot of things i struggle with.
i'm not good at having mom friends. when i go to the park, the library, hell, target on weekday mornings, or any other mom-dense areas, i feel completely terrified and intimidated. i don't have very many friends who are moms. i don't know exactly why, but i feel really uncomfortable in those situations where i would have to socialize with other moms.
which is sad, because i am a mom and it's nice to have friends around who get that.
i guess part of it is that a lot of the time, i don't feel like i'm "mommy" enough to fit in.
i don't really like doing library time. i think it's boring as all hell.
i have nothing to talk about when a lot of other moms are discussing strollers, diaper brands, preschool curriculum, etc.
and most of all, i often feel that because i only have one kid, i'm not seen as "mommy" enough. it comes in little comments like, "well having one kid was so easy, i used to get so much more sleep." or "i thought parenting was tough, and then i had my second kid." "wow your kid shares really well for being an only child."

a lot of the time, i think us moms wear our badges of mommy honor by how much suffering we've endured. how tired we are, how many noses we wiped, meals we prepared, things we sacrificed. i hate the comparison game of whose life is harder. i don't like my life being hard. i like making things simple and easy. (says the person who decided to start grad school with a 3 year old. uh huh.) and also, if you're a mom who finds a lot of joy in the library or baby things, no judgement! that's great! we should all do things that make us happy and fulfilled.

and i'm not trying to say that i don't love being a mom or don't love remy. that kid is the love of my life. (yes, travis too.) i adore our sweet conversations, watching him learn, reading to him, taking him places and watching his wonder for the world, eating treats together on the porch, playing games and sports with him, cuddling, all those things. i love talking to other moms about child development, cute kid stories, whatever. i don't want this to seem like i hate kids. (i do really dislike some kids, let's be honest.) i guess i just thought once i had a kid, i'd be in the club. but i have one kid, and most everyone else i know has 3. that's probably the part that hurts sometimes. not the feeling like i'm not in the club, or feeling bad because i hate library time and other boring kid activities that i should do more with rem but i don't because i like to go climbing and leave him at the childcare so i can have a second to myself to think, but you're so lucky because you only have one kid and you don't even know how hard it is. (see, even my brain tells me i'm not enough of a mom.) but the part that hurts is watching everyone having more babies and not knowing if i can handle another one, physically or mentally. remy asking me every day to grow him a baby sister ("i'll take such good care of her mom, i promise!") and not even knowing, if i could just have another baby without HG worries, would i even want to, and what does that make me?

well that escalated quickly. i was planning on making a joke about how i'm so terrible at blogging and then sharing a shit ton of photos from the past... year that aren't caught up on. but it's not going to be chronological and that's just going to have to be okay. ha.

i really am doing great! school is amazing, i'm halfway done with the msw program, remy is at such a fun age, travis and i are more solid than we've ever been, climbing is wonderful. the babies thing, probably just going to be an ongoing little pain that comes and goes, mostly comes lately. but i'm so lucky i even have just one kid, and a kid who is so healthy and kind and loving. i'm ashamed to admit this, but about 6 years ago, before i had remy, there was a family member i knew who had one child, and then couldn't have more. it devastated her. she had a difficult time everyone in the family got pregnant. i remember thinking, what's her problem, she has one kid, lots of people don't even get that. she shouldn't begrudge anyone else their pregnancy.

and here i am. right?

a few months ago, there was a woman in the neighborhood where i grew up who was over at my parents' house and we were catching up. she has one son, not able to have more kids. her son is grown now and serving an lds mission. i asked her how it was for her having an only child and if she ever felt like she wasn't part of "the club" of moms. she knowingly looked at me and i just started sobbing and hugging her. phew, it was all the feels.

i think that's another reason i've avoided this blog for so long. i have so many feelings, and many of them are difficult to sort through and talk about. motherhood, the lds church, me leaving the church, how me leaving the church has affected everything in my life, how i don't want to talk about my angry feelings because so many people i love are lds, grad school, working with clients who have sexual trauma, how i deal/don't deal with my own trauma, etc etc etc. but i miss this space and the release it brings to write it out here.

so maybe in between writing a shit ton of papers and projects and casework i'll start writing again.